I am breathing...dang it!

So you know when you can feel yourself escalating and you don't know why?

No, um ok...

Well, anyway, I feel myself escalating over nothing. To see me, you would see a person who is calmly typing or walking through the house doing a little of this and that...but inside...oooh boy!

I thought about saying "screw it all" and taking off to the movies...but honestly, I'm so wound up, I'm not even sure I could watch a movie. It would be a waste of money, at least for the movie portion...now movie snacks on the other hand....hmmmmm.

You know what though? I miss them all when I'm gone. For real!

Some people might think I'm strange considering the way I go on and on, but I miss them when I am gone almost every time. I would liken it to the mother whose kid is in daycare saying first words and learning how to walk while she's at work.  My kids are different little people and I learn new things about them every day. Some great, some not so great.  With their new found feelings of security, they have been able to shine through all the fear and I have some awesome little kids.

Yes, I know they are all pushing 10 or just over 10 mostly, but that's not what I see. For the most part, I see chubby little toddlers finding their way.  Not literally...of course. But you know...

The breathing technique in Beyond Consequences was working for me,  but not today.  (Note to God...haha, you are soooooo funny.  Just make me go through every thing my kids do, huh?)  I'm not trying to make this blog all about me, and it's not even that it matters, but holy hell, is this what PTSD is like? I think all that time that I had "meltdowns" with my kids in the past is now coming on as a full blown loss of mind.  All that time when everything was crumbling around me and I was trying to be a rock and make the right decisions, it's catching up to me now in the "calm of the storm".

I feel at this very moment that I have nothing to be stressing about. But it won't shut off. UGH!

I write this because I know somewhere someone will read this and agree with me.  Someone else is feeling like this right now about something.

I read the Reiki principles at the top of my blog, I so want to feel that. I keep telling myself: One.Minute.At.A.Time.   Yet somehow my minute has extended to days, maybe even weeks. I never was and still am not good at telling time.

So, I guess it's time to ask myself, "What the hell are you scared of?"

Good Question...

Meet Martha!

Hello Everyone!

This is Martha, my new dishwasher, yep, I named her Martha Stewart just because I get a kick out of saying Martha Stewart does my dishes. I have tried and tried to get a nonblurry picture but she's just so shiny it makes her non-photogenic. I am so happy and grateful that we have been able to buy some new appliances.

CDQ broke the old dishwasher. If you are keeping track, she also broke the kitchen faucet, the refrigerator, the spare refrigerator that I moved in the other refrigerators place, the bathroom sink faucet, the bathroom tub faucet and the shower. Just to name a few things.

We are hoping to replace the refrigerator and the stove but I don't know when.

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In other news, the neighborhood inner struggle continues. I looked out my window and I saw these in my rose garden.

They are amazing.
And so beautiful!


I was so happy and I felt like some of my hard work was finally paying off. I love my house and I felt like I could really bring my home together and make it all the things we've dreamed about.

That night, Hubs woke me up at 3 am. Gunshots. Really close Gunshots. I hadn't heard it but as I was talking to him, I heard one that sounded like it was right outside our window. I looked out. I saw teenagers with shaved heads running from the house across the street. There were two cars out front. One sped off, the neighbors turned on their light and I saw guys running up the street. Then I saw it. The gun in the kid's hand. He ran towards the car, jumped in and they took off spinning their tires. I called the police. I couldn't sleep for hours. I want to move.

Even if I love my home and the feeling of making it home. It can't be here. Those people across the street are killing my dream and maybe someday, with their stupidity they will end up killing us. I'm at a loss. We can't just pick a new house. We have to build so that Hubs can live comfortably and unrestricted which I insist. It's heartbreaking because for all the crap that has been done to our house and how hard I have to work to set it back to right, I still love it and it still feels like home. Just less safe.