We are supposed to close on the other house on Monday.
I've been reluctant to say anything about the whole stressful situation because I won't believe it until I have the keys in my hot little hand and I am opening the door to the new house without a realtor.
I can't even begin to describe the stress.
It all came to a head last week before I started reading Twilight. I had some Girl Scout issues, old house issues, new house issues, homeschool issues, money issues, behavioral issues and well you get the picture. I think it was just a last straw deal...I was having really bad chest pains that were actually making me cry from the intense pain. Hubs wanted to call an ambulance. But I don't have insurance so I didn't want to create a bigger mess and quite honestly like I told him when he asked me what if something bad was happening like a heart attack or something: "What if I don't want to stop it?"
Before anyone starts thinking I am suicidal. I am not. But I'm not exactly wanting to live forever either. I've been ready to go for a loooooooooooooooong time if you know what I mean. I don't want to be old. Call me vain.
So, I'm hoping a huge weight will be lifted once these papers are signed today.
I was thinking the other day. I still don't consider myself a grown up. I still think of myself as a child playing in a grown-up world. Does anyone else feel like that?
I look at all that I am doing and I find myself saying "who the hell do you think you are?" It could just be from my mother who pretty much told me I couldn't do anything for a long time before she opened her eyes and saw that I could. Or it could be the truth. Who the hell do I think I am?
I dunno. I don't even think. I just do. Maybe that's my problem? People ask me how I do it and I think to myself. I don't. I'm a failure. If only you knew.
But then, every once in a while I start to think, I must be doing it because how else is it getting done? Am I fretting over little things? Then self doubt comes in and I feel like that child playing in an adult world.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
3 comments:
Nope, right there with you sister.
You read about my stress earlier this week. I hate feeling like this. Dustin's psychiatrist once told me that "if you don't feel like a failure you probably are" when I told him that every night when I lay my head down on the pillow I hate myself and feel like a horrendous failure for not being able to "fix" my kid.
Life sucks and then it gets better then it sucks again. I have to learn how to go with the flow and embrace the suckiness knowing that good times are around the bend even if it doesn't feel like it.
Lots of love heading your way and hoping for those keys in the hand soon.
I never even knew what it really felt like to be a "true mom" until I got Toby. Tara is just so HARD and draining and, well, miserable, and I just feel like I am crappy person half the time for not trying harder, not understanding her more...you get the idea.
I think the most affirming moment that I have had since getting my "little" girl was at the FASD Clinic when we met with the team and the lead interventionist said, "You must be so exhausted. This is an incredibly difficult child. Don't you just feel like you are going crazy sometimes?"
YES!!!! YESS!!!!! I AM! (and you have the challenges times four!)
But we keep on moving along. Slogging from day to day. I think we would all be crazy to think that this is anything remotely normal...
And I haven't forgotten about sending you those books, Sasha. They are sitting in my drawer here at work. I am the world's greatest procrastinator and a flake when it comes to things with actual human contact (like going to the post office, ugh, the thought of it gives me the cold sweats). I may just buy single envelopes and mail them that way to avoid human contact...I have issues. :)
I feel that way all the time.
SOmetimes I think about how you've alway said you're ready to go when its your time. I think that's beautiful. When you go, you will be ready. I'm not, and that scares me.
Good luck on the house(s)! Its so exciting. Can't WAIT to see pictures!
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