My heart is shattering...

*This was written a bit ago, just publishing it finally.*

into fine shards of very sharp glass...

I've been trying to maintain an appearance that everything is ok. But it's not.

I've been holding back the tears and anger for my kid's sake.

I've taken down their pictures because, even though they are my children and I should be able to share their beauty and my pride with the world, I won't be able to it.  They are victims and I don't want to victimize them further. I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind about this...maybe I am overreacting. I just don't know right now.

The topic of sexual abuse and incest has been flying through my house, names and situations are being given and I am trying to appear open and as if this is all ok.

I'll be brutally honest.

I want blood and even then, it wouldn't be good enough, not even close.

But these motherfuckers will walk free, they will molest and rape again.  My kids will never see justice, just like I've never seen it for my own situation.

I have called the people who have contact with the kid's older cousins on their bio mother's side. The oldest has two baby girls and her mother has a baby girl as well. I am so afraid that I am already too late. I didn't know they were all living with two of the abusers.

When will the cycle end? My abuser has abused at least two generations of his own family (his daughters and their children) besides me and possibly his current wife's sister that I know of and he has never been punished for it.  He walks free. Now one of my nephews (not any that have been in my house) has abused one of my nieces/daughter.

I sit here and listen to my kids tell me about the touching and the oral and the rape and apparently, their father cleaned them up, lined them up on the sofa so guys could come and "choose" the one they want to take to a room.  He would even point certain ones out. I don't know for certain if it was in exchange for drugs or money or both...it takes everything not to cry, vomit, scream, kill.... the 3 youngest were no older than 4 years old.

I thought about counseling, but I know my kids won't tell anyone else. It took what they had to open up to me. Maybe someday...but not now. I think if I were to try to bring a counselor into the mix my kids would shut down. Especially after the last therapist did such a mind fuck on them and actually tried to triangulate US against each other.

They shouldn't know these things,  especially not from people who were supposed to love and cherish them and nurture them...

My mind is in a state of shock. I keep messing up on things and forgetting, like I am walking in a cloud. It's official, there is not one person in my house who hasn't been abused in all forms (physical, mental, emotional, sexual). Not one.  There are seven of us and I can only shudder when I think of how much more is going on out there.

I hear numbers like 1 out of 6 girls/women and 1 out of 33 boys/men and I think they may be grossly wrong. I think it's happening more than people want to believe.

I'm not ignoring my blog, I'm still doing the "Big Clean" on my house...right now, it just feels like anything I write is just trivial. I know life goes on. But somethings are just too hard to swallow.

PS. Dia , if you read this, I will e-mail you soon about MA.

PPS. Sorry about the blog layout changes. I have a large widescreen monitor and had no idea it wasn't adjusting properly. I just assumed it was scaling for everyone. Hope this one works better. Let me know if it doesn't. Thanks.