The Many Faces of Hurt

I have so much to blog about (note to self: new family member, drive by, SATC for starters) but I'm going to stop everything to blog about this.

I bought a baby monitor because we've been having problems with the kids lying about who's saying what and causing what. They are all born liars (so it appears) and we can't tell who is telling the truth. The therapist suggested that we try the monitor.

I bought it, set it up and hid it in the room while they were in the shower. As soon as they got out, Poufy found it. Like she had radar and zoomed right to it. We heard her telling CDQ to hurry quick "look what she put in our room" it was not in an obvious place or place they could see just by walking in the room. So, grrreat.

I walked up to Poufy and I moved her from her shoulders out of the way so I could see if she had messed with it. When I saw she didn't, I turned and told them they better not touch it cause I would know and I left the room.

But apparently, they didn't know what exactly it did. CDQ started ranting about how she didn't like it when "We" (Wtf? like Hubs magically has use of his arms just to push her?) push "them" around. This did enrage me because the only pushing I've done that could be considered rough pushing( I couldn't even tell you which kids) is when we are walking in parking lots and I have to grab them quickly and push them from the middle to the parked car side and remind them always inside because they can get hit by a car.

Anyway, she goes on about how she thought loving families were supposed to give "huggies and kisseys and not be mean all the time."

Coming from a family where my Mom has only told me once that she loved me and that was two years ago, a family where if my sisters did something wrong or lost something *I* got pulled and thrown from my hair. I have no idea what the fuck this girl is talking about. Yes, I am that mad.

I am that mad because for almost two years now they have been playing us. The other thing that plays into this is that they both agreed in this talk that their previous foster parents gave them plenty of hugs and kisses and read to them, etc...

This infuriates me because they made it clear to us, their previous therapist and their current therapist that the previous foster parents were abusive. Some things from the list: hitting them, sitting on them, pushing rocks into the tops of their hands, locking them outside in the dark, etc...

What's the truth?? They lied about us pushing them. They think we are mean because we are trying to teach them to be human beings. I didn't think they could have been making up those things. Rocks on the top of the hands? C'mon?

But then I think about the accusation from the respite foster parent. I thought it was retaliation but what if they did lie to her?

I'm angry because these kids have been playing us. Everyone said "Oh they don't know better, they don't know the difference between right and wrong." But they do. They know very well and they just don't care.

That's what hurts. The manipulation, the hate, the evil. Because I do believe it is evil and calculated.

I called them on it. CDQ tried to cry her way,but she knew she was busted. Then she tried to give me a hug. I know people aren't going to agree with me but I couldn't give a shit. Walk in my shoes.

I told her I didn't want a hug from the devil.

The realization that she isn't just a kid and that she is cold and calculating. As soon as she went back to the room she started manipulating Poufy. She ran her mouth so fast trying to turn her against us. How evil is that?

Then crying because she got caught. I can't even say she felt bad about what she did either by lying to us or lying about her previous foster parents.

The other thing is the reading thing...if we don't read what the hell is the whole Spiderwick thing we do when everyone behaves?

Anyway, I'm pissed. I've got to change the way things are run here yet again. I just told the therapist last week that I was tired of this place sucking. She told me it's what we have to do. We have to stick by our guns and we have to continue on even though it seems bad and it's hard on us because it's gonna be best in the long run when we've shown them we mean what we say.

I'm tired of putting my life on hold for their little power trips. Sometimes I feel like the stupidest thing I ever did was volunteer for them to come live with me in the first place. Then I went and adopted them...so fucking brilliant Sasha. Really.