So disappointed...

Started my Beyond Consequences classes tonight. Loved the video part by Heather Forbes (Man have I been reinventing the wheel!)

But I am disappointed and sad because I was led to believe there were going to be other RAD parents there.  There weren't.  Single mothers having trouble with their kids walking all over them, bipolar parents, ADHD parents.  I was the only adoptive parent in the group, had the most kids and the kids with the most problems to boot. *sigh*

I wish I would have known. I would have just done the course online instead of driving all the way.  It's bad enough I don't feel comfortable being that far away in case something happens here at home (over an hour away).

The other thing, I'm not really happy with the therapist. May be my expectations are too high.  Case in point, we get the meeting started by the therapist talking about different situations that we are all in. She was basically saying some parents are new to all this and then there are people like me (used my name to be precise) who she's been working with... um...no.  You see I was given a printed list of websites to peruse, three prescriptions to practice with CDQ and I purchased the book.  I had one meeting with her, she met with CDQ and then I got 10 minutes at the last session at the end. Working with me? How?

Oh, does she mean when she suggested rubbing the place near the collar bones and I said tapping? or when she said sitting quieting and I said strong sitting? or was it when she said for me to touch CDQ to clear the negative energy and I said Reiki?  Because if I were going to say that I was working together with anyone in the form she is claiming, I'd have to say I must've been working with Lisa because I learned about those things from her blog. Ya know?

I could totally relate to Heather Forbes, totally. But I can't help but feel like this is a money thing for our therapist. I shouldn't complain because the kids insurance is paying for it. But I feel like sitting around feeling sorry for the other parents is a waste of time for me. Not because I am better, but because I feel like I need to progress faster than this class.

See, when she asked for what would be something traumatic for a child, all the parents were quick to offer parents arguing, bullying, medical trauma, looking different, etc... My list was something like- death, murder, suicide, domestic violence- sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc...

When she asked about behaviors people were dealing with- tantrums was the consensus....mine, rages (although thankfully not like they used to be), hoarding, stealing, lying, eating from the trash, manipulation, destruction, etc... You can imagine how people looked at me then. Not that it matters...but you know?

I was really upset when I tried to speak to the therapist after class. See last week after therapy, you could say CDQ and I bonded a little bit when we went to the market afterwards. The situation that caused us to bond was an older gentlemen grabbing CDQs shoulders while saying excuse me and then rubbing her shoulder blade. YES! All that happened right before my eyes, she tensed up, I tensed up. I don't believe the man meant any harm...but holy hell, you just don't do that. If someone did that to me, I would freak out...so that is how we bonded some.

Then today, while she was at the eye doctor, she was very dysregulated. The lady who does the prep work for the eye doctor was very understanding. She saw CDQ flinch when she raised the flashlight to her eyes. I explained to her quickly that CDQ was hypervigilant and therefore in a fight or flight response because of previous abuse. She apologized to her and told her she didn't even think of how that must've looked flying towards her face.  Then the doctor came in. He lectured me (again) about the kids and their glasses. He is very ignorant, in fact on Monday he actually said some children should have their butts beaten. I told him that they were victims of abuse and I hardly thought more abuse was going to solve anything and he actually said "still".  I know, not going back to him after these rounds of visits.

The lady who does the fitting for the glasses is the best, but it just so happened today she decided to tease CDQ of all people about how the binoculars hurt. You know those eye measurement thingys. I know she meant no harm, but yeesh! I explained to her that CDQ was actually the easiest to scare of the bunch and she apologized.

So with that said, I was asking the therapist if there was a way that I could help calm CDQ after these things happened. Sure, I told her she was ok and safe, etc... but was there something specific...well she went on and on about how if the doctor hit his wife it wouldn't be ok but it's ok to hit children... I redirected her and by this time, she was picking up papers. She wanted to add a session this week. I had already told her this week I had eye dr appointments all week and they had been made three months ago.   But I was frustrated because I don't see how making an extra session is giving me any tools to help CDQ when she needs it.  If there aren't any tools, she should have just said so.  But I felt like it was more of a you need to see me when I am on the clock situation. I don't know I could have read it wrong...

I left a tad dysregulated myself. I feel like she doesn't hear me. She dismisses me often before I have finished speaking and when if ever is it going to matter about what is reality and what isn't? I understand Heather Forbes says to just listen to your children and not try to fix them or solve their problems....but what about the situation where CDQ believed one of her teachers died and was mourning this loss and the teacher was alive and well.

I waited until CDQ was regulated to bring it up with her privately, but whatever death she thought had befallen this teacher (one of which she despised but had forgotten that, I mean really, I had to go to the school and request the teacher not be in the same room) was troubling her for the longest and after I told her I saw the teacher at the store and she's fine, she realized it was a dream and seemed relieved.  If I hadn't seen the notes by the therapist by chance, I wouldn't have even known about that at all. She would still be worrying about it. Is that right?

I'm hoping the EMDR will be a huge help for CDQ and that the rest of the Heather Forbes cds are helpful, but I feel anything else just isn't in the cards.

Bummer.

Things that stuck with me from the video:

- Just listen to your kids, don't offer solutions.
- You don't have to fix your children.
- Meet them in the place they are at now and guide them from there.
- Controlling kids adds more fear.
- Three things used to help regulate:
     Food, exercise, and breathing

PS... after typing that, I wondered if maybe the solution to helping CDQ calm down after incidents is to just have her breathe.  I had her do that at the eye doctor today because she was holding her breath. Hmmmm....