Saturday was Poufy's birthday party. We had a day of games, food and Wii Rock Band planned capped off by a Harry Potter movie marathon. They had a blast. There wasn't a single outburst, disagreement or anything...well, let me take that back.
I got a call Friday from the salesgirl at the dealership saying she wanted me to come in and test drive a car. I went in but didn't test drive the car but had a change of heart that night and decided I would go in and test drive the car the next morning. When I got there they basically took the other car I thought I was purchasing and put me in this one. Why I am telling you this? There was some kind of sale going on and there was a HUGE balloon attached to the car. She threw the balloon in the trunk for Poufy.
The disagreement happened when Poufy went to brush her hair so she could go to the store with the others and handed SS the balloon to watch over. SS thought she had tied the balloon down but it drifted to our popcorn ceiling and as you can probably guess it was history. The whole thing lasted less then 10 minutes and there were no tears involved between SS and Poufy.
Other than that little blip the party was a success. In fact, I called the Harry Potter Marathon quits when I discovered a couple of them were still up trying to get through them at 8:30 the next morning! Needless to say, Sunday was a quiet day since most of them were catching up on their sleep. LOL!
I did get a shock when the phone rang during the party and it was CDQ calling me. Her therapist told me it would be good for me not to have contact for two weeks. He said she needed to miss us and I needed a break from her. At first, I wasn't so sure. But on second thought I agreed when she treated me like crap the morning she went into RTC. I've started to see what it is he was saying to me and see how I do need to have some time to get back on track. I was very angry the last couple of days or so because I have been trying to come to terms with how I got to this place and I've started to see that it's not just CDQ who treats me badly. All the kids do just not at that level.
I've realized that I felt so sorry for them and I did give them the excuse that it was ok for them to treat me so poorly because they were afraid or they had been through so much. I have been a doormat for them because no matter what they did to me, I still went on as if it were nothing.
Even having this party made me realize how I keep thinking if I have no mad moments and I just keep trying to create good memories they can erase the bad ones the kids have....really...that's just stupid and I can see it now. I'm still human and I have feelings too and I haven't forgotten the things that have happened to me no matter how many other moments I have had in my life. I don't fixate on them either.
I was drowning and I just couldn't get my head above the water anymore and even through that I just couldn't see it.
Anyhow, CDQ called me and I didn't know what to do. I thought the house mom or someone was calling me. She was so snotty.
CDQ: "Yeah. I'm calling you (long pause) to tell you how I am doing. I am doing really well in my program."
Me: "That's good."
CDQ: (still talking)." I got to move into my room and now I am coloring."
Me:" Oh, well we are in the middle of Poufy's Party."
CDQ: "Bye." (in an angry tone)
Me: "Bye."
I don't know why, but my blood seemed to run cold. My hands were like ice. I touched my mom and she asked me what the heck was going on. I told her that CDQ called and she said I needed to not let her affect me like that. I don't think she understands the way PTSD works and that I have no control over that or so it seems. It happens so fast I don't even know until it's already there. This might be TMI, but Flo visited early about 10 minutes after that first call. UGH!
I hate that I have no control and that my body actually freaks out.
The phone rang about an hour or so later. I was looking up the code for Rock Band for the kids and finishing icing the cake. Again it was CDQ. She wanted to talk about herself some more. How she's "lucky" to be there and all the things she gets to do. She told me if she was still there for her birthday that they would do pizza and something for her there. She said she thought I could come. I did cut her off this time. She's spent so much time keeping me from the other kids. I know she's safe and being taken care of.
I am starting to rediscover my other children because it's been almost two years since I've had a chance to spend any time with them. Yes, I am explaining. I just think some people might not be able to understand what's going on here because even though I'm living it, I barely understand it. I feel like I have to start setting boundaries with CDQ so that she knows when and if she comes back things are NOT going to be the same.
I am so drained by this child. She called again today and I did not answer the phone. She left a message and it was the same thing...all about her. I heard someone in the background tell her to say "I love you" and she groaned and said ok and then said I love you. I wish they wouldn't do that.
I don't know what I expect her to talk about but I am SO. TIRED. of hearing her talk about herself or movies and music and have it escalate into a hatefest against me. If it's not the movies and music, it will get there after she talks crap about everyone who crossed her path.
Plus, dealing with her has made me like, hyperaware of myself. I don't think I've ever talked so much about myself in my entire life. I keep looking at myself thinking something is wrong with me. I keep analyzing myself under this microscope and I keep trying to make sure that my feelings and thoughts are in check all because I keep thinking of their trauma and trying to figure out why this and why that... I just want to scream.
It's like I have to try and make sure that I am not making them feel bad for expressing themselves or keeping them from expressing themselves but in the process I've muted my own self for the most part and kept my deepest feelings and thoughts to this blog, that is if I do post them...
It makes me wonder how many of us out there are blaming ourselves and feeling bad about ourselves for things we had no part and have no way to fix?
We can't undo their pain and traumas. We really can't. No amount of changing it up or tapping or any of that is going to make a difference if they don't want to change. That's the bottom line.
We can't stop them from hitting the bottom.
I'm not saying I've given up and I'm not saying these things don't help our children (because for 4 out of my 5 it did). What I'm learning is that we can't go to those low places with them but we can be there for them when they are on their way back again. You know?
It's just too easy to lose yourself. Maybe it's me, but I just don't think so. (argh, there's that damn looking to see if I'm the problem...I have to work on that.)
Again, it's worked for 4 out of 5. My other 4 don't want to dwell. Sometimes they get sucked back but it's not like CDQ who insists on focusing on negative things and pulling in the sympathy and attention from others. She can be in an awesome mood and she will make herself think of things that make her angry or sad.
All I know is one.minute.at.a.time. and even then it can still be too much...
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