CDQs therapist suggested that I not call for 2 weeks. I know I've said this over and over again. With her calling here it hasn't been easy. I actually feel like a child pouting when I see the caller id and I start saying stupid things out loud like "I'm not gonna answer it." etc...
I don't know what's wrong with me. It's two weeks. I AM NOT being cruel. She's the one who hates me and wants to be far far away enough from me. She's the one who has accused me of such absurd things. She got what she wanted.
But not entirely what she wanted. The two times I did answer the phone to her she was snide and just plain out being a little ass. It was all about control. She wanted to control what was going on here.
She called yesterday and she was crying into the phone and she actually said "I love you" on the voicemail. I feel angry that I am sitting here wondering. That I have to keep reminding myself of why she's there. I mean, they would call me and tell me if something was really wrong. An adult would right? How do I know this time isn't like all the rest? How do I know that she's not just doing it to try to manipulate the house mothers just like she did the therapist and myself?
What I realize is that plain and simple the girl treated me like crap and then I ran to her and I comforted her and basically told her it was ok to do that. If I break the two week thing...I'm doing the same thing again and all this will be for nothing. I believe this is called codependency.
I hate that I feel bad about all this.
CDQs therapist told me I shouldn't blame myself. But it's hard not to blame ourselves isn't it? I'm supposed to be the adult and she's just a child. But I guess the truth of it is, she's not just a child. She's been forced to grow up and learn things much faster. I think that's what twists the whole situation. I want to treat her as a child but she's much older- her soul and her heart and no matter how much I try to make things age appropriate it just won't ever mesh for her and I do have to protect myself and the others from her at the level she is abusive and violent and not her age level.
I called and spoke to one of the ladies at the home. They told me she's crying a lot and very depressed. I told them it's period week and it's going to get really bad. I also told them I would start taking her calls next week.
I know at this point, this is truly the best thing for CDQ. She's safe. There are trained people out there doing things that I can't do.
Why do I keep thinking that I can do things that God can't? I mean that's exactly what I've been saying and doing when I do these things and it's well documented here on how I obviously couldn't do it and made such a big mess of things with the "help" I tried to get.
I placed this whole situation in God's care and three days later we were in the ER and a few weeks later we are here. I need to stop questioning it. I really do. When I should have questioned it, I didn't. From all the RTC stories and ER stories I've read out there. This whole situation has moved forward so fast and clean it has to have God's hands all over it you know?
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