Today was a tough one. It gave me perspective. I really can't do this anymore. Neither can my kids. If I could move her forward, it would be one thing. But I know what it's like to have my kids move forward, I've seen it in my other four and sometimes I am so proud of them I get tears in my eyes.
I have those moments with CDQ but it's not enough. I realize in my home, her life is on the line or somebody else's is. I can't take the chance that she will succeed in suicide or in murder.
*deep breath*
Tuesday is Poufy's 10th birthday party. I was sort of dreading it because I was worried about what CDQ was going to do to detract from that. Right now she is burning with jealousy over her sisters. She's jealous that the oldest is well, the oldest. She's jealous that SS started her period and her moods have stabilized and she's happy again. She's jealous mostly of Poufy.
You see Poufy is tiny but well, I don't think there's a delicate way to say it. Poufy's stacked on top. How's that without actually saying it? Poufy is in a real bra and that just makes CDQ seethe AND Poufy is a total girl. Jewels, tiara, gowns...you name it and she prances around the house in them. She adores her Snow White crown and I get a kick out of when she comes to ask for help in homeschool and she has that crown up on her head with her poufy hair sticking out on all sides around it. Her hands are bejeweled with oversized plastic gems. It's just hilarious and cute at the same time.
She is definitely outspoken. She's known to tell CDQ: "I don't care what you say about me, I love myself and nothing you say will ever change that."
The first time I heard it, well, I was shocked because I had told her to say that to people who were trying to put her down or make her feel bad. I was surprised she retained it word for word and used it. Boy does it send CDQ spinning. *shaking head*
But what can I say, I'm proud of that. I'm proud that she's come this far. I love that she's confident and secure and KNOWS she loves herself. She used to be shy. At one point, she was the only child I didn't think I had to worry about and then she was the child I worried about the most when she finally did lose it.
I've asked her what changed for her. She told me she was "eager" to get to do things and she was tired of doing the wrong things and being bad. She just "decided" she was done. She didn't like who she was and didn't want to be that anymore.
Instead of dreading the eventual meltdown/rage/ suicide threat that would be coming from CDQ. I found myself immersed in planning a princess birthday party. I realized I was excited for Poufy and I felt like a normal mom planning her kids birthday.
I didn't have to figure out if the party favors were "extra" safe or if they could be used to cut. I didn't have to worry about how CDQ would figure out to drink or ingest something. I didn't have to worry if a gift was going to be something CDQ could not handle. In fact, I don't even have to worry about the other children playing the Wii singing and dancing games on her birthday or even playing musical chairs with music on her birthday.
I've just been focusing on the birthday girl and making her day special which has been something I actually have never been able to do. She is going to be so surprised.
I know I make it sound like unicorns and rainbows but it's still a double edged sword. CDQ's birthday is next. I felt the excitement of feeling normal and planning for Poufy, so when I saw Ariel (CDQ's favorite Princess) has her own set of party gear...my first thought is I know what I am getting for CDQ's party. My second thought was the bubbles would be a mistake and my third thought was....she isn't going to be home.
I guess it's high time I take the kid gloves off and start facing the fact that it might not just be that she isn't going to be home but that she may never come back home because maybe then I would start processing the severity and danger of it all and start to believe how deep her mental illness really runs.
1 comment:
I hope your Poufy has an excellent birthday!
As a side note, I have a job doing telephone intakes for legal aid. We frequently get calls from people seeking divorces. Frequently when a woman has just left a particularly horrific domestic violence situation, she is completely matter-of-fact about what her day-to-day life is like. The lawyers ask us to get details about past incidents of violence, in part so they know what type of danger this woman is likely to be in (because a woman is most likely to get killed while trying to leave) and also to use the information when they draw up documents for things like protective orders. But often these women at first have a lot of trouble recounting specific incidents of violence. To them, it's like saying, "tell me what happened the last time you ate cheerios (as opposed to corn flakes) for breakfast." It's that much a part of their daily life that they don't remember discrete incidents; it's more like "I eat cheerios every day." (Don't know if that analogy makes any sense.) They can tell me the most recent event, but not other specifics, aside from the general pattern. But as we talk longer or over the course of the next day or two, things come out, and they start sounding more shaken, as the realization of what they've lived through (and how much danger they're still in) slowly sinks in. I kind of see it in your blog, and in the writings of other parents whose kids have been institutionalized. Hang in there as it all starts to sink in...
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