Control- or how I lost mine.

I've always been a take charge person, after all if I don't do it who will? (and will they do it right? )

ah hem...'nuff said right? You get the picture. 

But truth be told, I've been knocked on my butt and I'm still struggling to get up. In that process, I realized I can't do everything and on some days I can't do anything at all.  

It used to be a physical thing, but now I'm not sure if it's depression or my all or nothing approach. 

Even though my body is healing in leaps and bounds, I still get that heavy feeling where I am just soooooooooooooo tired.  That feeling pushes through another feeling...anger and like a spoiled brat I argue and fight with myself about being tired.  That's why I think it's latent physical symptoms.  

Sometimes I think it's depression because I don't want to do one single thing. I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to know what's going on and I just want everyone to leave.me.alone! and then I just want to be gone. Far, Far, away... 

Of course, on better days I think I should cut myself some slack because it is overwhelming being the go to person for 8 other people.  That's where my mind loses it.  Laundry, meds, spasms, delusions, suicide, homicide, plan, meals, pets, shopping, repairs, cleaning, did I fax that, I forgot my timesheet, I lost that bill, did I pay that, when is that appointment, and on and on and on.... that's just a few seconds worth of thoughts. They are constant. The only time they stop is when someone else is talking to me and it's usually about one of those things.  Even in my sleep. 

I stayed up until 3:30 am doing laundry, after the pipe incident I was still trying to catch up. CDQ said she needed clothes. I thought I was nearly done. I washed everything in that laundry room and almost all our laundry and came out with not one stitch of clothes for CDQ. I firmly believe she hid it so she would have a reason to prove I am unfit. *chuckle*

So last night I needed to wash her clothes for today. Except my body shut down and even though it shut down, I was screaming inside the whole night that I needed to WAKE UP!  Finally at 5:30 am I did and I washed her clothes and it was warm and toasty for her at 7:30 am.  But truth be told. I feel like crap. 

Which brings me to the all or nothing... I started the Big Clean of 2010 and you won't believe how much crap I got rid of.  Truly. Hubbins thinks we have stuff to sell but I just gave it away. Vacuums, his 200 disc cd changer (his music is all digital), stereos, clothes, clothes and more clothes, dishes, etc... I was all about decluttering. 

But my mom moved in and so did her entire house.  Not blaming her entirely. I purchased a storage shed for us to share but it looks like I needed one twice as big just for her.  But I can't see the results. I look around and it's just cluttered to the hilt here.  I hate clutter, I hate mess and it's seriously screwing with my mind. Especially since I streamed all the episodes I could find of Hoarders and started to seriously wonder....hmmm? 

It looks bad, not like those houses but they had to start somewhere right? 

Somedays, I am a cleaning machine. I clean here, I clean there. Hell, every time and I do mean every time I wash clothes (the weekend) I have to clean out the laundry room.  Other days, I look around and wonder what happened to what I cleaned? 

No one should be in the Laundry room, but it's a mess. My bathroom used to be clean but since my grandmother uses it, she doesn't grasp the concept of a trash can anymore and she has a lot of accidents that I would prefer she would ask for help cleaning up but she doesn't and that in turn necessitates a full cleaning that may last an hour if we are lucky .  The other thing is my grandmother is really rough with stuff. She's broken the chair (bye bye tailgater, never got to try out your heat and vibration features.) I bought her, the kitchen faucet, the bathroom faucet and I was able to fix the shower faucet. She doesn't know when to stop turning. 

Don't get me wrong. Those are not complaints, they are explanations. I would explain about the kids, but   *sigh* I'm sure most of you know the destruction of children and some of you are probably intimately aware of the destruction of children with RAD. 

I have to say that I feel like I am winning half of the battle with 3/5ths of the kiddos but that's just in their bedrooms. 

And would someone please tell me when my bedroom became the catch all for everyone's crap? 

Someone Pleeeease tell me I am not alone in this and especially please tell me if you were able to crawl out of the clutter and maintain it as your children aged (maybe?). 

Throw me a bone. I'm begging here.