Anyhoo, I've been having a rough time around here. Not so much with the kids but just with myself. The end of October is bad for me because I am a selfish person and I mourn the loss of the only true friend I ever had. After ten years... it still shouldn't hurt like it was yesterday. I shouldn't have flashbacks to it all the week of but I do and I cry a lot because I could sure use my friends advice right now.
Normally I remember him where ever I am blogging at. But for some reason this time around, I just can't. It's still very raw. I can only wonder what his family feels this time of the year.
I'm convinced I am struggling with depression and PTSD from the time Hubbins almost died. This past month has been torture. I hurt myself and I have a post in my drafts about my ER visit.
The reason I am so convinced is because I got a glimpse of the way I used to feel. With a combo of muscle relaxers and two pain killers. No more pain, no more anxiety, no more nothing. I mean, I knew they were there...but I just couldn't care or at least it wasn't something I could really worry about because I wasn't really keeping thoughts in my head. Does that even make sense?
Even with just the one pain killer they gave me in the ER, I just felt this sense of peace wash over me and the lights weren't so bright and harsh. I can remember that. Clearly. I need that. I need that peace in my life and I need to find it without meds, ya know?
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