Change

I've been thinking a lot about what Donetta and Kether said in this post.

I believe the same things that Donetta said about change. You can only change yourself. You can NEVER change anyone else.

But how do we know that someone has changed? Especially if we have shut them out of our lives?

Yes, my mother is on her way now. No, I don't trust her but I don't have a choice. Besides how am I supposed to trust her if I don't give her a chance. She really doesn't understand what goes on here. She doesn't know. Maybe if she knew, she would see it differently.

There are things that she is seeing differently already. I am not making excuses for her either.

I'm not one to engage in the drama. I'm not one to keep rolling the codependent ball either.

But I know I have changed and I have become a bitter, angry, frightened person. I hope that I don't stay this way forever and I also hope that someone doesn't judge me when they have come across me at my worst.

But what if...what if... God is finally coming around and what if, like Kether said, this is the answer.

I don't know that my Mom purposefully put the kids in danger. My sister had the kids lying to her and telling her their father wasn't around when he was. In complete fairness, my mother did not have custody of my niece who was murdered. Why she went down with my sister, I don't know. Probably because my sister took her down with her to try and save her own butt.

I will never know. All I can know is through chance. I would never do anything to endanger the kids. If my mother does anything out of line, she knows it will be the end. She has to know this is huge for me.

17 years ago my grandfather said something to me he never should have. That day I cut him off and never looked back. My mother knows I will do it. She knows I will change my number, move and never look back.

She will see. With her faith still in tact the way it is, I know she will see what the kids being away from their mother and that whole family has done and how life has changed for them and that this is where they belong, in this family.

I think she will be smart enough to know that "this is it". One of those life changing moments/chances that she will never get again.

She has a chance to be part of this. Only time will tell. But my kids will always come first as long as I can help it.

Hope is a bitch...but for some reason I can't stop...

Today we went to see a new therapist. She is a play therapist. She was recommended by the kid's new pediatrician. (Whom we heart a bunch...thanks to Hub's doctor's recommendation.)

She's really our last hope. I know that's putting a lot on her. But the differences between her and our current therapist are like night and day.

I want to make it clear that are current therapist is a really nice guy and I don't in any way mean to talk bad about him.

The new therapist has made me feel like this could be possible that she could really turn things around. I had never hired a therapist before but I had expected something along the lines of what this play therapist is offering us.

She's offering us:

A.) A treatment plan
B.) Goals to work towards that we are all accountable towards her for.
C.) Communication about what she has worked on with our child.
D.) Open Communication.
E.) Finding out more about the kids history and sharing it so we can both help the children together.
F.) Family sessions.

etc...

I'm so excited. Right now she only has room for one child. But it's a start. I just feel like this is what we've needed. We've needed guidance and direction and she just sooooo got it. She understood where I was coming from. She knew what I was talking about. She's on top of it and very thorough.

Can you imagine a treatment plan? An actual plan with goals that we will try to meet and discuss at each meeting and if we don't make those goals we are going to talk about what we can do to make those goals and if they reach those goals we will move on to new goals.

Even though it's only one kid, Hubs and I can carry it over to the other kids.

*doing cartwheels*

We had a wonderful day today. I mean the oldest still has her angst and I am totally offbase, blah blah blah...which just means I've got her number.

They had an excellent quiet time where they were actually quiet. It was beautiful and they were each rewarded with a Hershey's kiss.

But the youngest... I'm so proud. He started his control crap at the table and we totally called him on it. Not only did he eat all his dinner but he stopped himself during the start of a tantrum and turned it around.

I actually got to read them ALL a book. It's been almost a year since I've been able to do it. Someone's always grounded or crying.

If we can be like this for at least 90% of the time, Hubs and I can deal with it. We can see moving forward with the adoption. We know that's as close to normal as we can get. We aren't asking for miracles.

I just hope it works and I worry that I'm getting too excited about it. Please God... make this be the answer.