Speaking of sins of the mother...

I don't know how to start this post so I'll just say it.

I've been talking to my mother.

I know, it sounds all sinister and stuff like: I've been using or something like that. lol But my mother is very codependent and we've often had a reversed relationship where I am more like the mother and she the child. After college, I pulled away from that and having a relationship with her is a constant ... battle of sorts. Me pushing her to be independent.

She's been calling me once a week for a little over a month now. If you've read here for awhile, well, you know I hadn't really spoken to her since a few months after the kids were taken and placed with me at least 3 years ago.

She basically turned her back on me and told me that my sister needed her more. She insisted that "the kids needed their mother right now" and if I tried to tell her things weren't exactly right with the kids and I wasn't sure what was going on, she would tell me "Well, you're a mom now. Deal with it."

It's always been that way. Everyone has always come first before me. I guess it's easier that way because she's a people pleaser and I've never made her feel like she has to do anything to please me. It never bothered me before because I am self sufficient and have never really needed her until now.

Her story keeps morphing about why she stayed away, but it boils down to me apparently. I keep telling her that as long as she believes they need my sister she's toxic to my kids. But apparently that translates to "I hate you" and "I want you to leave me alone." Both things I didn't say, but she insists EVERYONE says I said. Funny, because I haven't talked to anyone else out there either. Also, she should know I don't play those games.

We got into it this last conversation because she's trying to tell me that my sister is sick, that she keeps trying to talk about her kids but she talks like nothing has happened and nothing is wrong with the kids. She acts like they just aren't home right now or something like that.

She kept saying "her kids" meaning my sister's kids. I don't know why, it seemed so petty but I snapped. I told my mother that she (my sister) had no kids. Then I took that back and said wait, no, there's documentation that she had a child, a child that was murdered because of her failure to protect her. But as far as any other children, she has had none. I told them they both need to understand that.

I also said as far as anyone else is concerned. I was in that hospital on those days and gave birth to these children. That's what is recorded and documented. They are my children.

After that I was left was a long silence.

Am I not right? If she were not a relative, wouldn't the birth certificate show that I and Hubbins are the bio parents and nothing before that happened? No one would constantly refer to the "birth mother". I mean I know the birth certificates state exactly that and I am good enough to go through all this and raise the kids and pay for everything, etc... but they (my mom and sister) are going to continually refer to the kids as her kids? My two other sisters have referred to the kids as mine since they were placed. I guess they already knew deep down. If I had adopted strangers children, would they be referred to as "her children"? Does that make sense?

Don't get me wrong though, just because I am invalidating my sister as a parent,I am not dismissing the children's feelings or experiences at all. I also want to say, my anger in the previous post is not directed towards the kids at all. I hate their bio mother, she is no sister of mine.

This isn't to say I don't get angry with the kids when they do something like all kids do when they get in trouble, but my bitterness isn't directed at them. I may go off on a rant directed at God or no one in particular, but I also come back around and let them know it's not their faults. I think they understand because I don't think I'm alone in this boat. They have their issues with her too. It is also because of this I try so hard to keep it together or model the right type of behavior for the anger I feel towards her.

Any how, back to my mother. She wants to move to the same state as me. *crickets chirping*

This has been tough. I know there is a change in her, but she just can't say no to people--specifically- those people: sisters, ex-stepfather, other nieces and nephews that are a bad influence. That worries me. I don't want the drama they thrive on.

What also worries me is that I am weak right now. I could use some help, especially on days where I have flare ups. I am torn because I know my mom will say anything but will she follow through? Can I trust her?

The other thing is that my other sisters haven't been able to cut the cord. They follow her where ever she goes. She encourages that because she wants to be needed and loves the drama. Which brings me full circle.

She said that right now I am her only child that is suffering. So apparently my other sisters are all set now and have no use for her so she has time for me. But what will happen if they need her again? I mean, if she abandons me again, I'm a big girl and it would be my fault for trusting her. But I have to put the kids first. I won't have that situation where she is in and out of their lives. Hello...RAD?

Along the same vein... am I doing the right thing by keeping their grandmother from them? I'm sure other people have issues with their parents but still work it out for the kids....

Plus, I am raising the kids my way. No secrets, no spanking, no whatever. My Mother is stubborn, will she respect that?

These are the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this last month.

I just don't know.