Hubbins is still alive and well. If Hubbins were sick or dying, I would post it here. I wouldn't blame God for that, but I'd probably blame myself first if I could even function. I know it may seem morbid, but because of the way I have reacted to the past loss of my best friend, I really worry what's going to become of me when I do lose my Hubbins. If I will be able to bear it. So I work on training my mind for when it does happen. When he does leave me. I don't even know if it would make a difference, me working on accepting it's inevitable...not him leaving. *blush*
Second, the kids are all still here being themselves. I don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to a disruption. I keep thinking that if I , as family, want to strangle them sometimes...how will strangers deal with them and what will happen if they are killed by a person who was supposed to love them? I know they were all physically and mentally abused while they were in the foster system for the short time they were there. I know *I* won't kill them. lol Sooooo, this is it, no matter how much I kick and scream about it.
What I'm having a hard time expressing is my split with God. Forever and ever I was the person who believed no matter what. My faith in God was unbreakable. Even when the church turned me away, I never blamed him and I always believed there were reasons. Through all my abuse, through all my pain, I bore it for God after all, he sent his only son for me.
But then I got to the point where if I could trade places with Jesus I surely would because at least I knew the pain would stop sometime and I heard he had a happy childhood with friends and family and all the things I can never expect to have.
I was ok with the fact my childhood was gone and never existed. Hell, I was even ok with making it through my teen years and all that crap I dealt with. I gave my 20s to making sure my family was taken care of...but my 30s ...life was going to begin at 3o. I would have a family. A real one.
But then this happened and I started to feel resentful but still clung to the fact that I would maybe have some of my 40's left and can move on in my 50s. But now Rheumatoid Arthritis? A condition that will probably land me in my own personal wheelchair by the time I hit my mid 40s. I just can't any more. The camel's back is broken.
My life has turned into one big episode of "Are you kidding me?" I wanted to be a success. I don't mean monetarily either. I wanted to find happiness. Something that seems to elude my family. I can't even see that far because for all I know in an hour my arm won't function or I won't be able to walk and I will still have to figure out a way to make it all work and get Hubbins in bed by a decent hour. I will have to wonder if the fact that my arm could not be lifted without me seeing white hot pain may have caused Hubbins sore to regress because of the time it took me to transfer him or even to get him in the sling to transfer him.
I worry that this disease will progress faster than it already seems to have. I worry that I will end up in a chair and have to depend on others to take care of Hubbins and I see the way the kids disregard Hubbins because they have the attitude "What can he do about it?"
So here I sit, sometimes in excruciating pain and I don't see a solution. I can't even see having a family of my own. Kids who hate me aren't a family. And now, on top of money and procedures and who's going to help, etc... etc... I see the door for parenthood and our own family slamming shut in our faces. If only I were infertile, it wouldn't be such a blow. I could accept that.
So I am angry because I don't think I am asking for too much. What I am asking for isn't only for myself. It would change the lives of 6 other people as well. I've done everything without question and I have lived my life the "right" way. I can't imagine my cussing would warrant the life I have led and my cussing only began 4 years ago. Seriously people, that is the extent of my badness. I'm not exaggerating either. I haven't really "lived" a day of my life. I've rarely ever asked for anything and this one thing...can't be?
Since I asked for this one thing... I have gotten progressively worse. Since my bitterness and anger has escalated. I faltered here and there with my arguments with God but I hadn't lost my faith. Until that day.
It's not to be compared to a child who didn't get their way or someone who made a bad choice and now must suck it up and deal with it.
I am so sick and tired of people hiding behind God for everything or even blaming God for everything. But then I realized I am just as bad because I've been waiting for God to meet me halfway. I would never do that with anyone else so why should He be the exception? I never did that before. I don't know when things changed.
I only have myself to count on. It's just me in this world. The End. I've known that forever and yet I waited.
I don't know if my relationship with God will ever be repaired. I guess it's between Him and I and time will tell.
But for now, I am standing on my own again. I will fall and as usual I will get myself up and dust myself off and put my foot forward. I won't wax poetic about God thinking I'm strong enough for all this or anything like that. But this song...this song, as weird as it may seem makes me think of my journey with God these last 5 years. It has explicit lyrics... so send the kiddos on their way...
2 comments:
Hear your heart, hear the hurt.
hold on.
I am so sorry how hard it is. Hold on.
Stress is a destroyer. The factors of day in day out of your times could well be presenting and exacerbating the issues.
Learn about inflammation.
Avoiding the night shade family of veggies helps.
When the stress was so thick for me I had symptoms so bad that I thought my life was spent and living a lost dream existing the hope. It has improved and when the stress lowers the symptoms of the illness do as well.
I hope that this gives you an encouragement.
Girl your heart is just a little lost behind the suffering and sorrow.
Aw....I can say I know how you feel, but you know, all the stuff I make myself feel sorry about, it seems like you've got it four times over....or at least double, for sure!
You know, one of the things I think I'm angry about a lot is that I took on all this stuff with the expectation that DH would help me--we moved to the country, got the animals, adopted DD....and now, it's worse than if he had left, because I'm still paying for his ciggies and pop and he complains because we don't have TV! I know they say "you can't go home again" and I need to lean that in my heart. Because that is all I want, for things to go back to how they were "supposed to be".
("Life is what happens while you're making other plans.")
I cannot imagine, dealing with 4 of DD on a regular basis, I really can't!!! But you know, if someone said to me, "Carol, we suddenly found three of your DD's long-lost siblings, will you take them?" Of course I'd say yes, no matter what....I might be writing my blog from the nuthouse, but I'd take them and do my best...
Just last weekend we were called by the school because a friend of DD's had reported to the crisis person at school that DD was planning on sneaking out to meet an 18 year old "boy" without our knowledge....not surprising at all, believe it or not....and the school also told us that DD is "cutting" herself. (Based on the friend's report). But....DD lied to the friend about the cutting to get attention. I made her show me her arms and legs, nothing. Even though there was nothing, she still got HUGELY angry with me when I told her that she had not been truthful. Like just because she yelled, I would believe her. The lying is the hardest thing, isn't it?
But you know, with the kids especially, I thought, when I first met DD, all she needed was love and some structure. And to learn how to read. But here we are, 8 years later, and she still lies about everything! Although she's gotten better....she's also gotten better at hiding the lies....some days just make me want to tell her to go back to her "real" mom and deal with it. But I don't.
I have a plaque in my house that I got from a second-hand store. Here's what it says:
"People need love the most when they deserve it the least."
Some days that plaque is ALL that gets me through the day with DD AND DH, too.
I don't know much about rheumatoid arthritis, and I don't pretend to, but I can encourage you to do a lot of research and ask people in the area (heck, I'd probably put an anonymous post on Craigslist!) for the name of a great doctor for people with RA. Then find out what choices you can make.
I have asthma, and just this past week I had to admit to my Dr. that the current medicine wasn't working. So she offered to raise my dose. But I didn't like admitting that I was really going downhill and I tried to pretend things were ok. But when it came down to it, I felt a lot better when I admitted to myself and my doctor that I needed more. My point of telling you this is that once you can get the RA as much under control as you can, you will feel physically better, which will help you a lot...even though it sucks to have to do that anyhow...
Where'd we get this deck of cards they keep dealing to us anyhow???? I think it's rigged.
I'm sorry this post is so long, I've just been so glad to hear from you again and glad to see your posts and love your new look :-)
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