It was a simple slip. One "extra". Most of the time I catch it as I'm putting out the "extra" dish or placing the "extra" item in the cart.
Such a small, simple thing.
She said, "Do you want pizza?"
I looked at her confused, after all where was this pizza supposed to come from?
She said, "There is an extra one."
I was so confused. Extra? How? One of my kids did not eat their pizza? Impossible.
She noted my confusion and then the recognition flashed across my face. I said no words but she said "You still buy five of things sometimes. It's only natural."
I turned away and stared at the now too bright computer screen. My mind repeating what has become a broken record that is stuck on repeat when I think of this child. "It's not my fault", "I did everything I could.", "It's what she wants."...and on, and on...
Sometimes the days are filled with "extras".
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
It's a Go!
Everything checked out with the van/shuttle. There were a few minor things but they will all be resolved by the company before I pick it up.
I will be flying in and driving it back home. For now let's just say I will be driving across many states. I am nervous because I've never been away from Hubbins in all the time we have been together and I've never left him in anybody else's care. I've also never been really far away from the kids either.
My kids are freaking out a little (well, maybe a lot). The boy surprised me. Well, the oldest surprised me with the news that the boy has been daydreaming about disasters that may occur and my early demise. Not in a bad way as in, he wants it to happen but more that he's afraid it will happen. He even cried. This is the child I worry about now. Sometimes I feel like he's formed no attachments with anyone. I don't know if it's a guy thing but he's been pretty good at hiding that sort of emotion. Even though every other emotion is worn plainly on his sleeve.
All I know is that when the time comes for me to go, I just want to get back as quickly as possible. This is my own emotion that shocks me since *I've* been daydreaming about a break- a vacation.
Now all I can think about is getting back.
I have to admit, I'm a little thrilled to see my kids worrying and caring about me. Seems a little twisted but after all this time, it's a nice change.
I will be flying in and driving it back home. For now let's just say I will be driving across many states. I am nervous because I've never been away from Hubbins in all the time we have been together and I've never left him in anybody else's care. I've also never been really far away from the kids either.
My kids are freaking out a little (well, maybe a lot). The boy surprised me. Well, the oldest surprised me with the news that the boy has been daydreaming about disasters that may occur and my early demise. Not in a bad way as in, he wants it to happen but more that he's afraid it will happen. He even cried. This is the child I worry about now. Sometimes I feel like he's formed no attachments with anyone. I don't know if it's a guy thing but he's been pretty good at hiding that sort of emotion. Even though every other emotion is worn plainly on his sleeve.
All I know is that when the time comes for me to go, I just want to get back as quickly as possible. This is my own emotion that shocks me since *I've* been daydreaming about a break- a vacation.
Now all I can think about is getting back.
I have to admit, I'm a little thrilled to see my kids worrying and caring about me. Seems a little twisted but after all this time, it's a nice change.
NINETEEN SOMETHINGS TO SAY TO CHILDREN...
- I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you. Nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that.
- You are amazing! I look at you with wonder! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one!
- It's all right to cry. People cry for all kinds of reasons: when they are hurt, sad, glad, or worried; when they are angry, afraid, or lonely. Big people cry too. I do.
- You've made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It's all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you.
- You did the right thing. That was scary or hard. Even though it wasn't easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too.
- I'm sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake.
- You can change your mind. It's good to decide, but it is also fine to change.
- What a great idea! You were really thinking! How did you come up with that? Tell me more. Your mind is clever!
- That was kind. You did something helpful and thoughtful for that person. That must make you feel good inside. Thank you!
- I have a surprise for you. It's not your birthday. It's for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise.
- I can wait. We have time. You don't have to hurry this time.
- What would you like to do? It's your turn to pick. You have great ideas. It's important to follow your special interests.
- Tell me about it. I'd like to hear more. And then what happened? I'll listen.
- I'm right here. I won't leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you. I am listening to you.
- Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me?
- I missed you. I think about you when we are not together!
- Just try. A little bit. One taste, one step. You might like it. Let's see. I'll help you if you need it. I think you can do it.
- I'll help you. I heard you call me, here I am. How can I help you? If we both work together, we can get this done. I know you can do it by yourself, but I'm glad to help since you asked.
- What do you wish for? Even if it's not yet time for birthday candles and we don't have a wishbone, it's still fun to hear about what you wish for, hope for, and dream about.
~~ Author Unknown ~~
------
Saw this and loved it and wanted to share :-)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The story of "THE CAR"
I know A LooOOOOOng time ago I said I had to tell you about my most recent car buying experience. So here it is...
When the kids first came to live with us we had my Mustang and a handicap van. My Mustang was obviously not meant for kids and the van only had a back bench that seated three and the driver's seat. Of course this was a problem. Especially since we all had to be together all the time.
We added a jump seat (seat that folds up) to the middle and that made exactly 5 seats. This would have seemed to have solved the problem but nope, with the ramp and various equipment in the van, the extra weight was too much and things started to go down hill with the van. It would ride so low, we couldn't even drive up the driveway to our house without letting the kids out first because it would scrape the bottom. The power steering was already leaking at that point from having hit the bottom of the van.
I had bought a 12 passenger van and boy oh boy did that van get used. We packed it with Girl Scouts and went every where but the fact still remained Hubbin's couldn't go with us. The plan with the bigger van was to have it converted so Hubbin's could come along too but we found out that it would cost more than the van itself to get all the conversions it would need. When CDQ first started going into day treatment it was costing me $80+ a week in gas just to transport her. I couldn't afford it.
Hubbins and I agreed we would buy a little commuter car that had better mileage in the meantime just to transport CDQ, so I bought a little green escort from one of the biggest dealers in our state. Except the escort had issues. I loved everything about it, the payments were great, the mileage and gas were perfect but the damn thing had a "mechanical problem"(Their words). They tried to fix it but gave up. It shook so hard it hurt my hands and actually gave the oldest, who sat in the front passenger seat, a headache. You could see our headlights bouncing up and down on the car in front of us. While trying to resolve all the problems with it, CDQ ended up in RTC.
I had test drove the car prior and it hadn't done that. The sales guy (who is also a pastor at a local church) said if there was anything wrong with it they wouldn't sell it to me and he also agreed with me that the car never shook like that when we test drove it. They had said they needed to replace the motor mounts and that would fix it all. The next time they said all the motor mounts hadn't been replaced like they were supposed to and the third time they said it was the "nature" of the car.
What happened next must be illegal but I'm not even sure where to start with it. I talked to the sales manager at the dealership and told him that service was telling me the car could not be fixed any further and sales was telling me that service didn't make those decisions. The manager told me that he didn't want me to feel like I was stuck with the car and that I could bring it in and if I wanted to I could see if they had something else for me.
So I did, I was so nervous about not having a car to transport CDQ. I didn't understand that she was going to be in RTC for awhile so I was anxious to get a new car. The car I was purchasing was $5000. I looked at a Focus and thought I was going to buy that when they called me and told me they had a car they wanted me to see. I literally already had the Focus in my driveway. I took the Focus back and they sent me home with another more expensive car. I went ahead and agreed to purchase a $15,000 car just to have a car that was reliable and not crap. This whole fiasco had already gone nearly three months by then (Dec.- Jan./Feb.).
They told me that since the other car had already funded, they needed to take the escort in as a trade in now. I stupidly assumed that it was going to be full value. Instead, they took the full amount of the car including the interest if I had taken 4 years to pay it ($7,000) and charged me for it! I now was paying for both cars! $24000 to be exact.
I told them that wasn't right. I didn't want either car. They told me there was nothing they could do but give me the escort back. I told them to go ahead then. I was so angry. I felt cornered. They had already sold my van that I had traded in and wasn't upside down in. Then they did the psychological crap on me. I knew they were doing it to me, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed something for when CDQ came home (at that point I thought she was only going to be gone for two weeks). They told me "you don't want your daughter getting headaches do you?".
I knew the car I was buying was worth $20,000 and I knew they had lowered the price some to $14,000. But I finally just agreed to go home. I should've fought it, I still think I should hire a lawyer. At the time I couldn't afford one because of Christmas and Birthdays and back then I was still paying out of pocket for CDQ's pills.
I get angry every time I think about it, which is like every time I get in my car.
So that's the story of how I got screwed buying a car. What we really need is a converted shuttle bus you know the kind that shuttle people around the airport and stuff? Yeah, one of those. The reason why I am telling you all this is if the inspection comes back good today we just might have one by next week!! :-) I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I can't help but have visions of ENTIRE family outings to the
zoo, a vacation, hell, just even going to the store or out to dinner ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!
Counting the minutes until the inspector guy faxes his results...tick, tock, tick, tock.
When the kids first came to live with us we had my Mustang and a handicap van. My Mustang was obviously not meant for kids and the van only had a back bench that seated three and the driver's seat. Of course this was a problem. Especially since we all had to be together all the time.
We added a jump seat (seat that folds up) to the middle and that made exactly 5 seats. This would have seemed to have solved the problem but nope, with the ramp and various equipment in the van, the extra weight was too much and things started to go down hill with the van. It would ride so low, we couldn't even drive up the driveway to our house without letting the kids out first because it would scrape the bottom. The power steering was already leaking at that point from having hit the bottom of the van.
I had bought a 12 passenger van and boy oh boy did that van get used. We packed it with Girl Scouts and went every where but the fact still remained Hubbin's couldn't go with us. The plan with the bigger van was to have it converted so Hubbin's could come along too but we found out that it would cost more than the van itself to get all the conversions it would need. When CDQ first started going into day treatment it was costing me $80+ a week in gas just to transport her. I couldn't afford it.
Hubbins and I agreed we would buy a little commuter car that had better mileage in the meantime just to transport CDQ, so I bought a little green escort from one of the biggest dealers in our state. Except the escort had issues. I loved everything about it, the payments were great, the mileage and gas were perfect but the damn thing had a "mechanical problem"(Their words). They tried to fix it but gave up. It shook so hard it hurt my hands and actually gave the oldest, who sat in the front passenger seat, a headache. You could see our headlights bouncing up and down on the car in front of us. While trying to resolve all the problems with it, CDQ ended up in RTC.
I had test drove the car prior and it hadn't done that. The sales guy (who is also a pastor at a local church) said if there was anything wrong with it they wouldn't sell it to me and he also agreed with me that the car never shook like that when we test drove it. They had said they needed to replace the motor mounts and that would fix it all. The next time they said all the motor mounts hadn't been replaced like they were supposed to and the third time they said it was the "nature" of the car.
What happened next must be illegal but I'm not even sure where to start with it. I talked to the sales manager at the dealership and told him that service was telling me the car could not be fixed any further and sales was telling me that service didn't make those decisions. The manager told me that he didn't want me to feel like I was stuck with the car and that I could bring it in and if I wanted to I could see if they had something else for me.
So I did, I was so nervous about not having a car to transport CDQ. I didn't understand that she was going to be in RTC for awhile so I was anxious to get a new car. The car I was purchasing was $5000. I looked at a Focus and thought I was going to buy that when they called me and told me they had a car they wanted me to see. I literally already had the Focus in my driveway. I took the Focus back and they sent me home with another more expensive car. I went ahead and agreed to purchase a $15,000 car just to have a car that was reliable and not crap. This whole fiasco had already gone nearly three months by then (Dec.- Jan./Feb.).
They told me that since the other car had already funded, they needed to take the escort in as a trade in now. I stupidly assumed that it was going to be full value. Instead, they took the full amount of the car including the interest if I had taken 4 years to pay it ($7,000) and charged me for it! I now was paying for both cars! $24000 to be exact.
I told them that wasn't right. I didn't want either car. They told me there was nothing they could do but give me the escort back. I told them to go ahead then. I was so angry. I felt cornered. They had already sold my van that I had traded in and wasn't upside down in. Then they did the psychological crap on me. I knew they were doing it to me, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed something for when CDQ came home (at that point I thought she was only going to be gone for two weeks). They told me "you don't want your daughter getting headaches do you?".
I knew the car I was buying was worth $20,000 and I knew they had lowered the price some to $14,000. But I finally just agreed to go home. I should've fought it, I still think I should hire a lawyer. At the time I couldn't afford one because of Christmas and Birthdays and back then I was still paying out of pocket for CDQ's pills.
I get angry every time I think about it, which is like every time I get in my car.
So that's the story of how I got screwed buying a car. What we really need is a converted shuttle bus you know the kind that shuttle people around the airport and stuff? Yeah, one of those. The reason why I am telling you all this is if the inspection comes back good today we just might have one by next week!! :-) I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I can't help but have visions of ENTIRE family outings to the
zoo, a vacation, hell, just even going to the store or out to dinner ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!
Counting the minutes until the inspector guy faxes his results...tick, tock, tick, tock.
Keep the changes coming...
I won't lie, I am S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D! I am trying to control it because it's not bad stress it's just overwhelming. But RA and Fibro don't seem to care what kind it is.
We got the priming done in the girls room, except for one wall. The girls had told me they wanted a purple room and I chose a sample called "Iced Purple". We tested it and all three of them loved it. I was surprised at how easy it was, so we went and got two gallons of it and are looking at getting that done tomorrow. The oldest got her hair cut while we were out and I will post that some time soon.
I was looking into buying a triple loft bed system for them and just as Hubbins was about to pay for it, I casually mentioned that maybe we should measure the room and what were the specs on it? UGH! It won't fit. The thing is a monster, which we should have realized with all the shelves, dressers, etc...so then we looked at triple bunk beds but um, all any of us could picture was a sandwich of kids since we could only find the triple bunk beds online and not see them in person. I don't know how sturdy they would be and my kids are tweens/teen already.
So, now I am looking at these metal loft beds that have shelving and a desk underneath. We think we can fit three of them in the room plus three dressers. That way each kid has a space for their computer and to do their work and still has room to play and make a space of their own. *phew*
The boy's room will be so much easier, but isn't that the way with everything?
Homeschool curriculum is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. 6 Boxes! 235 lbs of education! Are we excited!?!? Hell yeah! Am I scared?!?! You betcha! I was shocked when I paid that bill...but if it all works out I'll have most of the curriculum and only need to buy a few things for the oldest and SS over the next two years to complete the 8th grade curriculum and the 10th -12th grades. I finally decided I wanted a preset curriculum rather than piecing it all together myself and my kids (well with the exception of the boy--yet) LOVE to read and oh THE BOOKS that are part of the curriculum have them SO excited and the fact that they will be in their correct year of school and still have a safety net should there be some blank spaces that need filling makes them even more excited. I have high hopes for this curriculum and plan on sharing our selections and progress with it over the next year.
Finally we are getting a new extra huge refrigerator. It's supposed to be delivered on Saturday. CDQ broke both refrigerators and I had fixed them the best I could. How did she break both refrigerators, one might ask? Well, I was a fool. See when Hubbin's and I moved in there was a refrigerator here and we had brought one with us that we put in our laundry room as a spare. Well, when CDQ broke the first one, I figured it was just she was rough with things and it was an accident and moved the broken one to the laundry room and took the other one out. I explained she couldn't be so rough with things and of course she nodded like a bobblehead as it went in one ear and out the other. Then she promptly had the same accidents with the second one and no, I still wasn't wise yet and continued to trust her. It wasn't until I caught her talking to herself trying to pry the window sill up in her bedroom and heard her muttering that I didn't want her to destroy the house, so she was going to destroy it that I finally realized the truth. I'll be honest, I still had times where I trusted her and was screwed for it. I never seemed to learn with her.
Anyhow, there are going to be some MAJOR changes around here. Interestingly enough, they have nothing to do with CDQ unless something happens with the RTC stuff.
I'll post about things as they come up because a) I don't want to jinx things, and 2) I'll know things for sure by then.
In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself to just BREATHE!
We got the priming done in the girls room, except for one wall. The girls had told me they wanted a purple room and I chose a sample called "Iced Purple". We tested it and all three of them loved it. I was surprised at how easy it was, so we went and got two gallons of it and are looking at getting that done tomorrow. The oldest got her hair cut while we were out and I will post that some time soon.
I was looking into buying a triple loft bed system for them and just as Hubbins was about to pay for it, I casually mentioned that maybe we should measure the room and what were the specs on it? UGH! It won't fit. The thing is a monster, which we should have realized with all the shelves, dressers, etc...so then we looked at triple bunk beds but um, all any of us could picture was a sandwich of kids since we could only find the triple bunk beds online and not see them in person. I don't know how sturdy they would be and my kids are tweens/teen already.
So, now I am looking at these metal loft beds that have shelving and a desk underneath. We think we can fit three of them in the room plus three dressers. That way each kid has a space for their computer and to do their work and still has room to play and make a space of their own. *phew*
The boy's room will be so much easier, but isn't that the way with everything?
Homeschool curriculum is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. 6 Boxes! 235 lbs of education! Are we excited!?!? Hell yeah! Am I scared?!?! You betcha! I was shocked when I paid that bill...but if it all works out I'll have most of the curriculum and only need to buy a few things for the oldest and SS over the next two years to complete the 8th grade curriculum and the 10th -12th grades. I finally decided I wanted a preset curriculum rather than piecing it all together myself and my kids (well with the exception of the boy--yet) LOVE to read and oh THE BOOKS that are part of the curriculum have them SO excited and the fact that they will be in their correct year of school and still have a safety net should there be some blank spaces that need filling makes them even more excited. I have high hopes for this curriculum and plan on sharing our selections and progress with it over the next year.
Finally we are getting a new extra huge refrigerator. It's supposed to be delivered on Saturday. CDQ broke both refrigerators and I had fixed them the best I could. How did she break both refrigerators, one might ask? Well, I was a fool. See when Hubbin's and I moved in there was a refrigerator here and we had brought one with us that we put in our laundry room as a spare. Well, when CDQ broke the first one, I figured it was just she was rough with things and it was an accident and moved the broken one to the laundry room and took the other one out. I explained she couldn't be so rough with things and of course she nodded like a bobblehead as it went in one ear and out the other. Then she promptly had the same accidents with the second one and no, I still wasn't wise yet and continued to trust her. It wasn't until I caught her talking to herself trying to pry the window sill up in her bedroom and heard her muttering that I didn't want her to destroy the house, so she was going to destroy it that I finally realized the truth. I'll be honest, I still had times where I trusted her and was screwed for it. I never seemed to learn with her.
Anyhow, there are going to be some MAJOR changes around here. Interestingly enough, they have nothing to do with CDQ unless something happens with the RTC stuff.
I'll post about things as they come up because a) I don't want to jinx things, and 2) I'll know things for sure by then.
In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself to just BREATHE!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Locks of Love
About a month ago now, my middle girls were talking about having their hair cut short again for summer time. Some where they had seen that they could donate their hair to other kids. So I googled and came across Locks of Love.So off we went to have their hair cut for donation.
Poufy went first and then SS as you can see, this is some serious stuff. :-)
If you haven't noticed, Poufy's hair is crazy curly and well, poufy.
These were some serious times. ;-)
Decisions needed to be made...
I worried some with some of the faces they were making...
They were all smiles.
Unfortunately, their hair looks better dried and done but I have yet to catch that.
Now the oldest wants her hair cut but she's not cutting for length, just a style. Hopefully, we can go this week.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Bio Mom vs. Adoptive Mom
My last post got me thinking and made me wonder... I've read many blogs where bio moms call their kids "lil a-holes" or some such name like that or threaten their kids in jest and it's the foundation of their blog: snarky- sarcasm...but I've never read an adoption blog where an adoptive mother does that.
I wanted to share our laughs with you, but towards the end of writing the last post I started worrying about whether I should be sharing that or not. Do bio moms do that? Do they worry about posting stuff like that? Or are they more secure in the fact that their children are indeed THEIR children for good? Because it doesn't seem like they worry about it. It seems like they are pretty carefree.
I'll admit, it was a confusing scenario for me because as SS's mother I felt like I should have been tough on her, but as her Aunt--well it was an Aunt like thing to tease her about it. As her Aunt, it was for me to leave it to her mother to correct... this is another one of my dilemmas, my personal issue since I am now one and the same.
I always worry someone is going to try to say I am unfit and take my kids away. I know I am not an unfit parent, but the fact that they've threatened me in the past for trying to get my kids the correct kind of therapeutic help has been something that I just can't shake. I know any kind of allegation would be unfounded but the thought that they can remove my kids even temporarily and what it would do to them is too much for me to process.
Am I just wandering in PTSD land or is there any validity to these feelings? How do you guys feel about it?
In the meantime, I will leave you with this joke between me and Poufy. Recently, Poufy has had some set backs in the lying and stealing department. When she does that and I ask her why she's done it she gives me this look that's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights look...similar to this picture here:
Now, I knew she reminded me of someone, but up until two days ago, I couldn't quite put my finger on it and then...yes, yes, yes...this is it! You see the resemblance?
I called her in and at first she was nervous but when I showed her this picture her shoulders relaxed and she covered her mouth and laughed and laughed. I told her, this is what I see on the other side, so now you know where I am coming from when I start to giggle...because God knows sometimes I just start laughing so hard and I feel bad about it because I know she's scared...but...I'm hoping next time around all I'll have to say is "BARF!" and it will break the tension and change the pattern...
I wanted to share our laughs with you, but towards the end of writing the last post I started worrying about whether I should be sharing that or not. Do bio moms do that? Do they worry about posting stuff like that? Or are they more secure in the fact that their children are indeed THEIR children for good? Because it doesn't seem like they worry about it. It seems like they are pretty carefree.
I'll admit, it was a confusing scenario for me because as SS's mother I felt like I should have been tough on her, but as her Aunt--well it was an Aunt like thing to tease her about it. As her Aunt, it was for me to leave it to her mother to correct... this is another one of my dilemmas, my personal issue since I am now one and the same.
I always worry someone is going to try to say I am unfit and take my kids away. I know I am not an unfit parent, but the fact that they've threatened me in the past for trying to get my kids the correct kind of therapeutic help has been something that I just can't shake. I know any kind of allegation would be unfounded but the thought that they can remove my kids even temporarily and what it would do to them is too much for me to process.
Am I just wandering in PTSD land or is there any validity to these feelings? How do you guys feel about it?
In the meantime, I will leave you with this joke between me and Poufy. Recently, Poufy has had some set backs in the lying and stealing department. When she does that and I ask her why she's done it she gives me this look that's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights look...similar to this picture here:
 |
| This is not the look but close enough. lol I realize that she's afraid and that it's her PTSD, so I was trying to lighten things up. |
I called her in and at first she was nervous but when I showed her this picture her shoulders relaxed and she covered her mouth and laughed and laughed. I told her, this is what I see on the other side, so now you know where I am coming from when I start to giggle...because God knows sometimes I just start laughing so hard and I feel bad about it because I know she's scared...but...I'm hoping next time around all I'll have to say is "BARF!" and it will break the tension and change the pattern...
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