Why beyond consequences therapy did not work for us.

So, those of you who have been reading here for awhile have read about the therapy maze we have weaved through.

Initially, I loved our very first therapist. I got his point. I totally understood where he was going BUT my kids didn't get him. He was more for the older child. I was really bummed to let him go. I still wish things could've worked out with him because he really was a great therapist, just not trained in what we needed. In fact, with the exception of CDQ's issues, he would be an awesome family therapist for the rest of us where we are now.

Then I had the therapist from hell. At first, I thought she was exactly what we needed but then things started getting weird. She asked me a lot of questions and met with me for longer periods than she met with my children. She would get so exasperated by my kids because they wouldn't comply with her ideas of how they should react. She said she knew about RAD and she taught me the hold.  But in the end, she had only read Nancy Thomas' book and really didn't know any more than I did.  I will always regret listening to her because before her, I had never spanked a child in my life.  The spanking crap didn't last long because of several reasons: 1.) I told her it had never worked on their mother and 2.) I was already developing RA and the veins in my fingers were busting already for no reason at all. 3) I HATED it.

I have apologized many times to my children for that mistake and the no spanking rule has been in effect since before I terminated that therapist.  Of course, on our way out, she threatened me that she would report me but couldn't tell me why.  Nice huh?

Then at the beginning of this year we found an actual attachment therapist. I was so excited. I thought we had found the answer.  But at the first meeting, I should have listened to my gut.  I have it documented in this very blog that she said she didn't really work with the kids, she taught the parents how to deal with their children.  But after her first meeting with CDQ, I was given forms to sign...video consents..not just to record her, but to show her videos at conferences and training sessions. I gave them permission because I thought it could help other people and more importantly she told me she would be showing them to another therapist who was a visiting expert.

As I've noted, from day 1 I wasn't allowed in the room. I should've said no and brought her home instead, but I let her go and she said she was ok. The whole thing was a disaster. I took the training for Heather Forbes and Dr. Post but it was not the right therapy for CDQ.

The whole premise is that you let your child vent and when they are regulated you can speak with them and they will hear you. But what happens when you have a child who never regulates? or when you have a child who quickly becomes disregulated when you try to say anything they don't agree with or perceive to be parenting?

I'll tell you what happens...you become the child's doormat/punching bag.  Then you have a therapist who tells you to agree with the child no matter what disgusting lies they are telling about you and others so that the child will feel supported because it is what the child believes....

*sigh*

So the child believes everything they are saying and you have effectively confirmed their lies to be true because you nodded like a dumbshit and and kept telling yourself "it's not really about you, it's not really about you." like a good little puppet. Even when the kid tells you it seems like "you're kissing her butt."

One might ask why I put up with all this?

I was desperate.

I was also terrified. Despite what my state wants to say I misunderstood, I was told that they would take the kids away from me if I couldn't care for them. This is when I was asking for therapy recommendations.

That rocked me to my core. I believed they had the power.  I still believe they have the power. But as of today, I am not afraid. I have not done anything wrong.  If the spanking was wrong...well then they better start collecting everyone else's kids too.  I've been absolutely terrified that my kids would be taken from me.   I promised them and I am not like everyone else.   Even our last name is linked to that promise.  I don't take promises lightly and I don't make very many.

But today, I understood. It is better for me to stand up to CDQ ,who is a child but who is also an abuser in our home, and finally be that role model that shows them there are nonviolent ways to stick up for yourself and that abuse is not the norm. Also, walking on eggshells probably just solidifies any previous lifestyle they had become to believe was the norm. If you're being abused just look the other way, don't rock the boat, etc....

I have come to realize that even if they were to take my children, it would all be unfounded and they would come back to me and they would know the real reasons why... I know there's no point in worrying about this when it may never come to pass but I'm still working on that and I still need to feel like I have rights and I can protect my children.

My therapist has been telling me to express to CDQ how she makes me feel, but I didn't want to rock the boat. CDQ's new therapist told me that I'm allowed to say whatever I want and I don't have to cater to her every need. It's not going to be like that in the real world. At the new place, they are helping CDQ deal with the real world and not getting her way.  They told her I might not have time for her, they told her I might not want to talk to her and they told her she might not like what I have to say. But she was going to have to deal with it and that went for anyone, anywhere in the world.

In my eyes, this new therapy is going to prepare her for the real world. It's all about communication and respect with a little empathy thrown in there. I can't see anything wrong with that and at this point, what do I have left?

Ever have too much to write about?

I don't even know where to start anymore.  I will write again...I'm just in that place where I don't really know what the hell is going on and I write one thing and it turns out to be another, anyone else out there shaking your head in agreement?

I've also been in this weird funk.  Maybe it's the transitioning of CDQ to new therapy, maybe it's the new "symptoms" in my grandmother, or maybe it's my reflections on the last year and my entire life.  I know it's pointless to reflect on choices made since they can't be undone and hindsight and all that.

I'm trying to figure out how to change all this mess. To own it and make it mine, so to speak.  I seem to be constantly at a crossroads and instead of being as sure as I was in the past, I'm in this puppet mode trying to figure out what "professionals" think is right.  (Funny thing, the new professionals think that whatever *I* want to do is right. Imagine that? Too bad they weren't the first and only pros because now I feel so clueless I have to figure it out all over again. I think...)

I'm not just talking about my kids, in fact, I'm not even sure any of this is about them.

I struggle with my choices, these have been the hardest years of my life. With my birthday approaching next month and the new year approaching even sooner, I'm in this limbo. I have huge life changing decisions to make.  Decisions about where my life begins.  Decisions that if left unmade will leave me wondering "what if..." forever.  I'm also in that place where I am noticing that I am preparing for "the worst". I gotta make sure things are a certain way and as much of the work is done now.

For example, this year- Christmas decorations.  They have to all be packed a certain way and hooks and stuff must be on the ornaments, and well, it's hard to explain. I'm used to packing it all a certain way. But this time it may seem excessive, but I don't think my hands are going to be any better next year and living in denial about it isn't going to keep me from being depressed next year when it may be even harder than this year was to pull it all together.

Hubbins Grandfather passed on Christmas Day.  I don't know why *I* am having a hard time with it. I haven't said anything to Hubbins about it. I won't either. I guess- it's just... I didn't really talk to his Grandfather much- and Hubbins family situation isn't so great and I ended up being the scapegoat. But his Grandpa called my cell phone when he was returning (Hubbins had used the cell to call him)  phone calls a few days before, he just sounded so well and happy. He even called me Hon. I didn't think it was the end. I thought the call was about Hubbins brother who is still in the hospital.

There's just a lot weighing on my mind and no concrete answers or decisions.  I've been consulting with God but He may be a little put out with me because of my indecisiveness.  :-)  (Sorry, didn't want to leave everything so dreary.)

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Onward to the New Year....

Takenlife...

I wrote this last month but thought I would post it now while I gather my thoughts about everything that has happened around here and write about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but my URL is takenlife.blogspot.com.

When I choose that URL, it is how I felt. Like my life had been taken from me. I've had a fear of this forever, but perhaps my grandmother is the reason I fear losing my life.

The reason I am talking about this right now is because yesterday was her birthday. Her 84th birthday. For those who have been following my blog, you may have gleaned that my grandmother has been in an abusive marriage for over 50 years.

50 years. It takes my breath away.

I lived with her and my grandfather until I was about 9 years old.  She raised me. In the times that I can remember, she was never truly happy. She was depressed, always sad, always trying to tell someone the awful things that my grandfather did to her and even then the things she shared with whoever would listen over and over again didn't even make a dent in the heartless things he did to her.

I can remember sitting next to my grandfather on the couch and him telling me how beautiful the half dressed women on the mexican tv station were, the ones who were dancing around on the screen.  He would tell me that they were more beautiful then my ugly mama (meaning my grandmother). This with my grandmother sitting less than 3 ft away.  I would tell him he was wrong and that my "Mom" (that's what I called her) was the beautiful-ist Mom in the whole wide world. He would tell me she wasn't. And just in case you thought he was kidding, he would then tell me that I was replaceable. That if I didn't behave he would replace me with some mythical girl from down the street.

I grew up and got away from him. I ended up being banned from his house because I wouldn't disown my biological Aunt, his step-child. My grandmother didn't get away. When I was in my early 20's I asked her why she didn't just leave him. She told me it was too late. She said she was too old.

Then earlier this year I was shocked when I spoke to her on the phone and she told me she wanted to visit me after years of not seeing each other. I told her she was more than welcome. The night she got here, she sat in my recliner and she told me that she really missed me and thought about me a lot over the years.  See-- when I was banned from that house, I never looked back. I felt my grandmother had made her decision and I would only see her when she came out to our state and visited out there. She also told me about how she was so glad she got to see me one last time. That broke my heart.

Very shortly, I would learn that her children were acting like she had one foot in the grave and that her husband had been robbing her blind. She was broke. While she was here visiting me she told me of the awful things he has done since, she even went farther back and told of ways he had taken her money and forced her to sign documents, he even forged her name.  She confided that she was terrified she would have no place to live because he had forced her to sign a paper that basically meant if something happened to him she would have to pay $847 to live in her own home. A reverse mortgage maybe? I don't know.

I told her she could stay here as long as she wanted and that is what she has done. She has not asked to go back. I do hear her tell people on the phone that she is going to visit them on the weekends but she tells everyone she encounters here that she has moved here.  She keeps telling people she is happy here. She is fed well, she goes to the (senior) center and exercises and she goes places.

Back home she sat in a recliner and watched tv all day. Nobody cared. Now that she is here, her children are concerned.  They are concerned we are taking her money. Isn't that a hoot?  My grandmother has three accounts now: Christmas club, savings and checking. She is doing well. She has new clothes. She has everything she wants.

She is "allowed" to have saints and flowers and whatever she wants decorating her space without being yelled at or told it isn't her house to do these things. Yes, her husband would not let her have flowers in the house or much of anything else. I tried to give her a room but she wants to stay in the living room because she is in the middle of the action. lol

Halloween 2010

I have never seen my grandmother so happy. I had never heard her true laugh or even a belly laugh until now and I am cherishing it all.

She asked me to be her Power of Attorney effective immediately when her children tried to have her declared incompetent. But I still live in fear that her kids will do something to take her from here. One of her son's who is just like his father believes my grandmother "belongs" with her husband.  He's trying to stir up trouble.

They have been attacking my mother and trying to get her arrested for things like kidnapping my grandmother (which obviously isn't true) to filing missing person reports. It's been stressful. I've been researching how to protect my grandmother since it appears that she may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

I know it's easy to be in denial. But I'm not so sure that my grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's more like she's checked out and is creating the life and family she wished she had.  Her brain scans came back normal. If someone rubs her the wrong way she is alert as can be, but if something is stressful or uncomfortable (her children asking her when she's coming back) she disassociates, just like our RAD kids do.  She even gets stress eczema and picks at her face. I don't know.

I want more than anything to keep her safe and I hope that is God's plan too.  I hope to meet with a lawyer to see if there is anything more I can do. I feel like right now is the time that she's getting some of her life back, I don't want the belly laughs and chuckles behind her hand to end for her.  I don't want her entire life to be gone and taken from her by all the selfish people around her.

A little lost...

So much has happened... I don't think I've ever written a bullet post but I will today and  I will write the bullets in order of events and not importance.

• Our dog, Ava, passed away. She was 16 years old and we'd had her for the past 4 years. She had really bad arthritis and I know she is running in Heaven now, playing and doing all the things she dreamed of. 
• I traded in our big van for a small car. A really small car. I've started the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover program and we are cutting back everywhere. We started by buying a car that is a little more than less of half of what we owed and our payments are 1/3 of the old one!
• The trade in ended up being a HUGE deal for us and the dealership gained no profit, my van wasn't upside down and they paid it in full and then found out they had to lower the price of the car I was buying by $2,000 in order to sell it to me...why I say this...I'm still dealing with the dealership which was reluctant at first to be cooperative but have since determined that they would have a greater loss since they've paid off my van and I can still cancel my current contract on our new to us car.  Effectively making it a car sale from me to them and not the other way around. All I can say is God is so good because I left the entire thing in his hands. In fact, if I remember I should write a post about the whole experience. 
• Adult Protective Services were actually called out to my house by the asswipes that are supposed to be family. Of course my Grandmother is doing awesome now and she actually spoke of some of the abuse from her husband. I'm waiting on a return call because it turns out the asswipes opened a whole new can of worms for themselves in their state and I am going to be given resources to contact to help my grandmother stay safe. 
• I've been reluctant to post about this, but for now, all  I will say is that CDQ has been hospitalized for her behaviors. At this moment, all my kids are safe. There are so many emotions and it all feels so unreal. 
• Bela's birthday was on the 7th. She would have been 5. She would have been in preschool and she probably would have been so excited to be old enough to start kindergarten next year.
• Last night we got a scary call from Hubbin's family. They thought his brother had a heart attack but no one knows for sure. All we know is that he has congestive heart failure and pneumonia.  We think he's going to be ok now. Not sure though. 
• Hubbins started acupuncture two weeks ago. It seems to be working for him, although he is playing the skeptic because almost all his needles go in his head! We have our acupuncture done at the same time and I can tell you it's the first time I have seen his face relaxed in all the years I have known him. 

I'm actually doing a procedure on Hubbins so this is where I am going to end it. There has been so much going on and so much chaos that I am feeling quite lost these days and hoping the whirlwind will slow down. 

Hope all is well with you all :-) 

Hanging In Here...

I've written posts, mainly about my grandmother... Since it seems this might take a legal route, I'm kind of hesitant to post them.  I've been going back and forth. There's nothing wrong in them. In fact they would probably be great documentation. I just worry if those "who are out to get her" stumble here and find out our next move and try to stop us.  Sheesh, who needs enemies when you have family like this?  Ya know?

I have a lot of catching up to do around this little part of my internet, many new chapters happening in our lives right now.  So many changes since the last time I posted.

GOOD CHANGES!

Thank God, I am finally on the right track and seeing the rewards of it.  All these years that people have told me that I would be rewarded for my deeds, I didn't want any stupid reward.  I didn't realize what reward meant.  I guess I thought it was something grand, I didn't realize it was the simple things in life.  Crazy me.

So for now, I have some homeschool stuff to ready for the week so this will be short. Thank you, my readers, for your patience.  I'm so excited knowing there are others out there who understand and care.

Here's a treat I left for my kids at the lunch table.  I love this and it comes from the "God wants you to know..." app on FB.

 I think it's a great message.

Hope all is well with everyone and that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Validation vs. Reflection

I 've been thinking a lot about validation. I hate it. I don't want my children looking to other people to validate them. Unfortunately, CDQ looks to everyone to validate her and also unfortunately, that is what her therapist does, validate her I mean... 

I am fully aware that CDQs self esteem and confidence is non existent.  I've been working on my kids confidence issues. Some of them are slowly budding and others, like the boy, don't believe me when I tell him he's awesome. 

CDQ has come to me and told me that she loves herself, her lips, etc... I told her that was great and that was not the answer she wanted. I could see on her face that she wanted me to parrot back to her what she had just said. I wouldn't do it. I told her if that is how she felt, that is all that matters and God made her just the way she is on purpose. It tears me apart because I don't want to hurt her but I want HER to KNOW  about herself and not to look to others. Does that make sense? 

An awful family cycle we have has to do with the women seeking validation from men and the men verbally and physically abusing them and tearing them down. It has stopped with me. But now I need it to stop with them.  I can even see the boy getting into a relationship where a woman mistreats him. 

I was upset with the therapist because I explained to her that CDQ was upset with me because I told her she couldn't wear her purple dress anymore.  You see, like 4 months ago or so, the therapist (AT) told her she looked so pretty in it.  Since then she has tried to wear it every single time to therapy.  I had already pointed this out to AT.  So, once again, I thought I would point it out. 

This is what I got...

AT: So she's mad at you?

ME: Yes. 

Silence. 

AT: Well, the way I see it, you can let her wear it until it is so tight it is uncomfortable and she won't wear it anymore (me- thinking it's already at that point-- we can see her nipples it's so tight) or she can be mad at you. 

Ok, I was thinking not nice things...like "sure, I can be the bitch and you can be her savior." 

I just stared at the AT. 

She told me that she also commented (that day) on a bracelet CDQ was wearing and she told her the bracelet was valuable. Just like CDQ was. The AT told me that I should tell her things like that too. 

Um... *sigh* I just want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm not sure what she was talking about but my daughter was wearing a plastic beaded bracelet that she had made in therapy that might be worth a dollar or so. That's my daughter's value? But more importantly- WHY THE HELL ARE YOU OBJECTIFYING MY DAUGHTER AND TEACHING HER TO DO IT TO HERSELF?!?

I had to stop typing to wring my hands just now.  I know I lean on the side of feminists but I do not think I am going overboard with this. What she is trying to accomplish and what she is actually doing are two different things. 

I don't drop her at this point because CDQ is attached to her. This should not have happened.  But CDQ cannot take another loss.  She's way too fragile.  I'm just working extra hard on my end to undo the wrong things that come up and hopefully as CDQ gets stronger, we can pull away from the AT. 

One thing that has inspired me is Donetta's post.  In her post she talks about creating a list of 100 things that you love about those you love to remind you of what is special about them. 

More specifically she says: "What matters most is how we see our self. So it is new eyes that the kids need to look into the reflection of who they are. I must be a mirror for them."

The first thought that came to mind was the type of mother I was to them before I got sick. I showed them I cared by doing for them. I slipped little notes in their backpacks or wrote on random pages in their spiral notebooks telling them they were special or smart or that I was thankful for them or something they had done.  I'd even leave little notecards with Hershey's kisses taped to them on their beds waiting for them when they came home from school.  All that stopped when I got sick.  I had even forgotten about it. 

I was being a mirror for them without even knowing it  and it just stopped. That must have hurt them so much.  Made them think it was about them when it was about me. I was broken into shards and reflecting myself to them. 

I'm going to change that. I am going to start surprising them again.  I'm going to be a mirror and show them how to find the best parts of them from within themselves WITHOUT teaching them to go to someone (anyone) for validation. 

We want our kids to know that we love them. But isn't that what we are all trying to do in some way or another- teach our kids to love and know themselves unconditionally?

My first Reiki experience...

I had my first Reiki experience a week and a half ago.  I wasn't nervous or anything like that. I trust the person who was doing it. I just wasn't prepared for what happened.

I stretched out on her couch and she told me that I should have an intent. She said it could be to be pain- free or to release negativity. Stuff like that... since I had just come from acupuncture, I was feeling great. So I said why not do releasing negativity.

So after she found her center.  She started by lightly touching my face and moved down behind my head, heart, etc...This continues until she reaches my feet. That is how she explained it to me.

I started focusing on CDQ figuring that's where most of my negativity probably was at.  So I told myself to let go of the ways she's hurt me and the other kids and all the things from the past, etc... it sounded way better in my head. Then I thought it flowed so well I should try Hubbins.  I actually had no negativity for him but there were people who had abused him in his past who apparently I was still angry about because they floated into my mind and surprised me.  I started to think about how I didn't know that those people were still an after thought in my mind.

I wondered what else was lingering there when my mind like a door, literally just slammed shut and it was total darkness. I checked out right in the middle of the session. I came back to the room when I felt a vibration on my feet.  Literally minutes before she told me it was over.

The thing was, even though I checked out. I likened the experience to a ride at Disneyland. You know when you're floating in the boat and they show you a scene then you float through darkness and come upon another scene. That's what it was like, but I didn't see the scenes, I felt them.  So, I actually recalled the last "scene" I was given before my mind took me away.

The "scene" was the formal living room. I was 19 years old.  Somehow, my stepfather had me pinned to the floor. I don't know how I got there. I wasn't one to play the "wrestling game" so that means I must've been caught coming in the front door or something because I didn't hang out either.  Anyhow,  what I felt was me fighting, biting with all my might and scratching and digging my nails into him.  But it did no good. I know my sisters were in the other room and so were my nieces and nephew (previous set, not the one's I'm raising now.)  I was screaming HELP! between biting him.  Nothing...

I checked out at that point. I don't ever remember getting out of that situation.  Like how it ended, I've remembered it before. But I never thought about how it ended. When I left the office, I was a little devastated.

I don't know how it ended. But I do know that my sister T told me if something happened between me and her father, she would take her father's side no matter what.  At the time I was seriously hurt and scared because I didn't know what she was talking about.  I moved out the very next week.  That's when I left the other kids behind.  I was feeling devastated because now I was seeing T's comment in a different context.

What if I checked out and she saw something and thought I was actually participating in something?  What if that's what she was telling me? I know I had woken up on different occasions where he was sitting on the edge of my bed. Up until this session, I had thought I had woken up because he sat on my bed. Now I don't know.

I just don't know.

There's another part to this that I am just not ready to share yet.  I don't know if I'll ever be.