Tuina

Before that happened last night I was actually working on two separate posts. One about the amazing mom's I've discovered on the 'net recently (I've been under a rock or something) and the other about my physical therapy session on Monday.

I've decided to just redo the physical therapy one since the other has links and I'm not done with it.

Just to clarify, my kids did not witness what my mother did to me last night or what I said to her. Thankfully, they were already in bed and this happened in my bedroom.  Lord knows I don't want to add to their trauma or make them feel unsafe in their own home.

It's the way she is that my kids are learning first hand about.  My mom does treat me like dirt, I thought that was changing a little but I guess not. My kids have noticed how cold and mean she is to me and how she's hugs and kisses to my sisters and her other grandchildren or how she drops everything and goes running to send them money or whatever.  They can do no wrong.  I wish this was in my head but it's not. Even my grandmother knows it and has known it forever.

The irony is that is the way it was with my mother and her half siblings. It still is that way. This has been a great lesson for the oldest. She can see the cycle just like I can and I have great hope that it will never happen again.

I was talking to my acupuncturist (Dr.) and telling him that there was something wrong with my mom. He thinks some of it might be related to the car accident. I have thought about what my mom did and I think it's her fear. I'm getting better.  I've never needed her and she still needs me. She has no place to live, no car and no job. She needs me and if I get better??? Instead of just talking to me and finding out that I understand these things, she does that...just like my kids.

I'm not making excuses for her. But she needs to grow up. I realize she left everything behind to help us. I totally understand that, but there are limits and she crossed them. She's been so unstable. One minute, she's buying me things that I can buy for myself and the next she's competing with me.

Anyhow, just tossing some thoughts out. I've been trying to figure my mom out for quite some time.

I looked over my last post and I'm upset about the cussing. Since I've had less pain, I was doing so much better in that department. :(

So, moving on,  Monday came and holy moly.

First I did an hour or so of acupuncture and then I got up on the table where the Dr. worked my muscles and cracked me back into place. I had three places in my back where I was out of whack and it turned out both my shoulder blades were out.

I think the pain is interesting because it is in layers. When one layer is removed and relieved the next one surfaces and reveals itself.

Monday night was killer. Every part of me was sore. My hands were so swollen and tight and they still were the next day, but that has almost completely passed. An interesting side benefit is that I didn't realize that I wasn't able to take true deep breaths. Now I can take deep breaths and that helped through the pain.

Tuesday, he decided to do a more aggressive treatment using longer needles. That had seemed to do the trick. I was feeling great yesterday just some stiffness but no real pain. All the things that had been in the 8-10 pain range were in the 3-5 if that. The fatigue is still there but I think that's just a matter of building up my endurance again. There's the fatigue that a nap can fix and then there is the one where even breathing is tiresome.

I think there is still an area in my lower back that needs work and there is a spot on my lower shoulder blades on each side that still has pain when touched. Well, I shouldn't say still, that pain surfaced after the treatment. He thinks I may have a pinched nerve in my right shoulder.

I cracked him up when I told him the story of how I hammered my own head with a post driver. Boy did that hurt! I couldn't afford to have a proper fence put in so I put my own up. I wanted my kids to feel safe because they felt that their parents were going to come and get them. I'll tell you, the hammer on the head was worth it because their bio mom did show up here and that locked fence is what kept her from getting close to my house.

A post driver weighs 15-20 lbs. I am 5 ft tall and I was putting a 6 foot tall fence up. The post driver is actually a cylinder with two handles and you place the hole over the post and lift up and down pulling down hard and fast to slam the pole into the ground. Somehow, the driver came off the post and came down full force on my head. Come to think of it, I think that there is the day the cussing started to flow freely.  That was 3 years ago. After that I had trouble moving my shoulder and my neck was stiff. I couldn't turn my head. But having no insurance, I just sucked it up and life went on...

Anyhow, the funny part was the Doc couldn't understand who did it to me and when I told him it was ME, he was shaking his head and cracking up. He wasn't happy that I hadn't done anything about it though.

I'm just thrilled because when I took a shower yesterday my hands did not go numb like they normally do. I was able to put my hair up without having to rest. The same with brushing my teeth. Normally, I have to stop in the middle and let my arms hang because the pain starts to build up and my arms start shaking if I try to force it.

I'm really glad that I decided to attack this full force. I just want to be better already, I want to move on.

Template Problems?

Is anybody having trouble with the BlogHer ad covering up the post?

When I load preview to proofread or load my blog to log in, I've noticed with the new template sometimes the ad is covering the post.

When Hubbins loads it on his computer, he doesn't have this problem.

I'm also sorry for all the template changes. I've had some reader complaints about them and the ability to read the words or focus on my posts and I was trying to resolve that.

Thanks

Final Straw

I haven't said much about my situation.

I asked my mom to move here to help me. Instead she brought trouble.  She's hardly helped at all if I am totally honest. The best thing she has done was stumble across my acupuncturist at a craft fair after yelling at me because I was at home crying in pain and unable to move and "no fun".

Tonight, my mother actually dug her nails into my hand and she punched my knuckles over a stupid plastic bracelet my daughter made her.

My cat likes shiny things. I asked her to show it to my cat because my cat gets all love-y around bling. I simply lifted up the beads from her wrist to allow my cat to sniff them and my mom did that to me. If I would have busted or stretched the cheap shit, I would have paid to have my daughter make her a new one.

I pay my mother half my paycheck to sit around and do nothing but be an able bodied adult in my house while I am not here.  I don't know what the laws are. Hubbins is an adult but because he is disabled I don't know if I left the kids with him if that's a problem or not.  It shouldn't be, he's their legal father and I'm talking about doctor's appointments and grocery store trips...not vacations or anything.

But the joke is on me. Before her car was totaled she was never here and now that she has no car, I am her chauffeur.

She punched my knuckles.

If you've been reading here, you know my problems. My hands, my hands are all jacked up and until TODAY I hadn't had much relief and she did that.

She dug her nails in my hand and wouldn't let go. I tried to let go of the bracelet and I couldn't because her nails were dug into my hand that far.  Then I got angry and I was going to bust the stupid bracelet. But all I could do was look at her and see how fucking pathetic she was.

I tried to hold it back but I couldn't anymore. I called her a fucking bitch.

I've been respecting someone who doesn't deserve it for far too long.

Earlier this week, she literally took my breath from me. My mouth was moving but there was no air, no voice. Maybe that is the true meaning of shock and disbelief. Like being socked in the stomach but with words.

I'm sick of her snide comments. She was showing me a sales ad and I was saying I was glad there was a sale on summer clothes because it costs almost $100 to buy the kids one set of clothes and she acts like I am the one who decided to have these kids back to back and that basically I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I'm sick of that attitude. I'm also sick and tired of every time my kids do something "stupid" she tells me "YOUR SMART SON" or "YOUR BRIGHT DAUGHTER".  I've been paying for my mother's mistakes my entire life. She's ridden on my back for as long as she could and she can't see that.

She likes to try and blame my physical problems on Hubbins but she's ran me through the mill since I was old enough to follow directions.  She denies everything she's done.

I raised myself. THAT is why I am a GOOD PERSON. Even though I lost my path recently. GOD was watching out for me and giving me the strength I needed and THAT is how I survived. I learned to stay under the radar. I don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep, talked myself out of running away and talked myself out of killing myself.  I had forgotten about all that until I started processing in acupuncture. All those times I wished I was dead.

But for her to think she can take credit for me. heh...

PLLLEASE.

I have never told her she was a bad mom. I have never blamed her for anything.  But if I was honest with myself. She is a bad mother, she wasn't a mother at all. She only came for me when she needed me.

What kind of mother does what she did tonight to their child? period.

Is EVEN that fucking bracelet more precious to her?

I know...I wasn't supposed to happen. I know I'm a pill baby and she didn't want me. I get it. But she better open her eyes and see that God sent me to her anyway because SHE needed ME.

As she says herself. This is the first time I EVER asked her for anything and I am now 35 years old.  I needed her help with something I did NOT create.

Tonight, I told her I didn't need her help anymore.  She said "yeah." Like I used her all up or something and now I'm just tossing her aside.

Seriously.

Actually, I take it back, the best thing my mother did is show her grandchildren her true colors. They hate her and I am glad they are able to see it now because there was a time when they thought she was a person they could run to because I was too strict, etc... now...they love and appreciate me even more.

So thank you, "Mom", thank you for that.

An answer maybe...

I get a little frustrated because I have a lot to share but I can't tell you how much I wish Monday were here already.

My acupuncturist is pretty sure we have discovered what is causing my pain. Aside from all four impacted wisdom teeth, I have an exposed nerve or some such thing in the lower left tooth AND I have two pinched nerves on either side of my neck (more than likely causing the numbness and pins/needles feeling in my hands) and my right shoulder blade is popped out of place.

I have a consult for my wisdom teeth to be removed on the 29th and that can't come fast enough. Monday he is going to un-pinch those nerves and pop my shoulder back into place. We couldn't do it on Friday because he was booked and truly couldn't find a way to get me in.

He said we could start working on the emotional stuff after we got the pain stuff out of the way. Soooo, I also decided that for the next two weeks I will be going EVERYDAY to acupuncture because I know it works and I want to get through this so I can move on already.

So, looking back. When I first saw my acupuncturist,  I could barely move my neck, I couldn't move my arm and I could barely walk. I had a raging sinus infection and it turns out I also had a reaction to the nasal flu vaccine that I had just got. Let's not forget I still had impacted wisdom teeth.

OH, I can't believe I keep forgetting to tell you guys this! I'm allergic to something in ALL water! I had stomach problems and he put me on vitamins and I now only drink distilled water and no more stomach problems! It's huge. My whole life I've had this issue.  Crazy isn't it? I had just ignored it.

Speaking of ignoring. I have had buzzing, ringing, pitches, sounds in my ears for as long as I can remember too and I had just got used to living with it. He treated me for that on Thursday and it was incredible. I was sitting in the dark during that session and I could hear someone running upstairs and that caused a slight vibration to his wall decor that I could hear, but I couldn't figure out the rustling sound I kept hearing...it was my hair touching the back of the chair and rustling! I could hear it.

That session was so painful but worth it. I now know my pain and my problems are real.  I just couldn't understand it.

I told him that I was having shooting pains along my left leg and I also told him that I had pain in my right hand and at that moment I touched where the pain was but told him it was weird because when I touched where the pain was between my fingers, I felt pain on my right arm and shoulder. He asked me if it was in the joint or more along the back. I told him it was on the back and he pressed my shoulder exactly where the pain was. I had started to cry and I told him I felt like a hypochondriac and he smiled at me and asked me if I knew how he knew about my pain on the back of my shoulder. I said no and he told the places where I told him I had pain are the same meridians or connected or some such thing.

So it's real!

Same thing with my hearing. I thought I was going insane. He put the needles into my right foot and I thought some of the buzzing had gone away, when I focused... I told him that only the buzzing in my left ear was gone.  He told me that was the ear he was working on... At first I was like, WOW! because it was gone but then I realized SHHHHHH$%^!!! That meant he had to do the same thing to the OTHER foot. ouch~!

The other foot was worse and I still have the teeniest of buzzing in it and my foot is all bruised up to prove it...but being able to hear...*sigh* I'm so glad this happened now because I was going to purchase hearing aids in the next week or so. Those are not cheap.

So again, it's real!

It's just amazing. All this recent stuff came about from my acupuncturist asking me to keep a notebook of my thoughts and pain. I realized that I forget most of what I need to tell him by the time I get there.  After a lot of thinking, I also realize that I have repressed my feelings and my pain for so long.

That's the way I was raised. "Crying doesn't make anything better.", "Suck it up!", "If you aren't dying or bleeding, I don't want to hear ya.", etc...  Plus, with my abandonment issues, I just molded into what everyone else wanted. I was dead inside.   The first time I cried when there wasn't physical pain and blood involved was when Karlton died in '99.  Before that was when a microwave fell on my head and I was dizzy and gushing blood from my head and my mom yelled "my microwave, be careful with it!" Seriously, I was doing something for her in the garage, and she told me to grab something for her, I asked her if it was safe, she said yes and then the world's largest, oldest microwave fell on my head and busted it open. I pushed it off me and got cussed out for it. Then I went in the house and I laid down and cried. Lovely, eh?

Lucky I woke up. But I used to be able to recall pictures of things I read and be able to read them from my memory and now I can't. My memory has never been the same.

Anyhow, just rambling as puzzle pieces start to come into focus and find their place in the big picture.

In a dark, dark place...

I haven't written here for so many reasons. Unfortunately, those reasons revolve around me.

Ironically, my kids at home are doing mostly great. The boy is "going RAD" on me a little each day. But I can handle that because it's one kid.  Thankfully. I still get crazy scared that he'll end up like CDQ. But honestly, his behaviors are nothing like hers. At least not on the level she was.

I want to write about the treatment center CDQ is in, but I'm just not there yet. I'm also worried I'll jinx it. This place. They know her already. They deal specifically with RAD kids on a daily basis and it's been here right under our nose the entire time. I have told them they really need to get the word out.

CDQ hasn't changed. It's amazing to me because this place...I love it. They are down to earth, they are real.   They keep it real and I AM the ultimate word. They wanted the boy to do their day treatment but I asked to have a little more time with him. I wanted to bond some with him before I sent him off. I don't think his behaviors are as bad as those who would be his peers at the treatment center and I just felt that I needed a better connection with him before I put him around that. If I didn't think it was possible, I wouldn't keep him from the program. But I feel like I am on the cusp with him. I can see that I am thisclose to being able to have real conversations and that he wants to listen and wants to change.

The teacher of the class I have been (trying) to take told me he was just trying to find a way to get me some respite. When I explained to him that having the boy gone wouldn't necessarily give me any respite because he would learn new ways to punish me and he does have RAD. He agreed. But he also lectured me and warned me that I was basically one foot in the grave. BUT, he told me that I was the parent and it is my decision. He said I knew my child best and I'm the one who lives with him everyday.

I swear tears came to my eyes. Because the last two therapists took that from me. I allowed them to make me feel worthless and inadequate and incapable of raising these children because I have never had a child or I didn't go to school for this. At the Center, they understand what I have accomplished. They tell me to focus on my 80% success rate.

They tell me I had to have been doing something right. I gave these kids the conditions they needed to move forward without the help of a trained professional. They are most impressed with how much my kids open up to me about their traumas. They tell me that is HUGE.  I am their safe place.

I just assumed all of our kids shared their traumas with us.

That is what makes me sick. The things they share. The behaviors scare me because I wonder what will become of them if they don't stop the lying and the stealing.  But the details that they have shared with me. Those are the things that are eating me up inside.  Those are the things that make me sick. I'm carrying them and I don't know how to let them go.

Those traumas have also triggered my own traumas.  I am learning so much about myself. I knew I had repressed myself,  but I had no idea to what levels. I thought I had started the process of finding myself a long time ago but apparently, it was just a layer I discovered and the loss of my best friend, who pushed me like no other to find myself sent me in a deeper spiral then I even realized.

I have also repressed pain. I found myself pondering this the other day at the acupuncturist. I realized that 1.) I can't always identify where my pain is and 2.)  I lie about the presence and intensity of my pain. I play it down a lot. I believe there are levels that I can just live with. My acupuncturist says I shouldn't have any pain.

I've gone back and forth about just how much to share with everyone. I'm terrified that people will think I am unfit to care for my kids. I feel this way because of the negativity that I am still trying to get rid of brought on by my children's therapists and a lot of what I am processing right now cuts me to my core, it makes me physically unable to do things and that is what my mother is here for.  Honestly though, my kids and my husband do well together without me. Maybe it's my own guilt for needing this time for myself when I know they still need me.

But I also think that this here is what makes me able to parent my kids successfully. I wonder if I share and someone sees bits of me and what I share in their child, if it will help them to identify or at least understand their child a little more. Maybe I can articulate or trigger something that opens up dialogue. I can see how my children feel sometimes because I know that feeling. Does that make sense? I think every parent has that to an extent. I just share some experiences with my children that other parents may not.

I will try to post what I can. I am posting this with pain in my fingers. My attempt is to loosen them up but sometimes it makes it worse.  When I do post, remember I am still freshly processing these things and my thoughts are subject to change as I begin to understand what I couldn't understand in my younger years.

I will close for now by saying, our kids are very brave and courageous. They process these terrible things and they continue on. They amaze me. I struggle with my own haunts at my age because I pushed them aside but these babies, they are so strong and they go THROUGH it almost everyday.  Sometimes they know when they are working on it and sometimes they don't understand. They've trusted and they've been burned. This isn't to say they can treat us badly, but it helps to be able to recognize when they are being little jerks (after all they ARE still kids) and when they are scared, lonely and tired of "the fight".  To finally be able to identify that makes all the difference.

Another one about my health...

In my last post, I was frustrated.

I understand what my doctor is/was saying. I'd be more than happy not to have RA in fact, I have decided that I don't have it. (Hey, you in the back...I can hear you laughing.... :-p)

I know, wishful thinking.

I have something whether it's RA or something else and the fact is that I AM bringing it on myself because of the stress I am under. However, I am bringing it on myself in a subconscious way...mostly.

I think...

This is the frustrating part.

Let me tell you about PTSD.... PTSD is a bitch. My mind can't control my body's reaction. I can be going about my day and not even notice it's a day for CDQ to call and then the phone rings, it's after 4 pm and my stomach falls, my hands turn ice cold and start shaking. Mentally, I get angry because I can't control this and my anger turns into tears and I'm just a mess.  All because of this one kid, a ten year old nonetheless, who abused me.  I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I feel embarrassed and ashamed because I'm supposed to be the adult and even when adults were abusing me, I never reacted this way.

Mentally, I am also aware of the fact that I am a victim regardless of my abusers age and my feelings and my reactions are in line with what I have been through. Logical right? Still doesn't make me feel better.

So that stress and conflict...that really messes with my body and flares.

Then there's the years of abuse that I am processing on my own.  I am processing the fact that I have never had a true family. I am mourning the fact that I will never really have a blood is thicker than water family that just has my back because I was born into that.  I have a family that has used me my entire life.  It's hard to type that because I'm sure someone is thinking ....well at least you have your mom or at least you have your grandmother...but the fact of the matter is they have me.  I had hoped so much that something would have changed but nope...it's still the same old crap.  As harsh as it may sound, that's the way I have to be with myself. I can't romanticize the situation...it is what is it.

I'm also struggling with the sexual abuse.  I have completely repressed and blocked out that abuse.  My Reiki treatment opened all that up and left me more open when my mind literally slammed the door in my face.  So, now, I deal with the things my body remembers and feels some nights. I continue to deal with flashbacks and bits and pieces.

I have tried my best to let go of the anger I have towards those who have abused my kids and my Hubbins.  I have come a long way because I no longer feel like I could kill someone.  Maybe I shouldn't put that in writing, but I truly don't feel the extreme anger I felt towards these abusers. I know God has them and I've always known deep down there is nothing I can do to those people that could ever make everything else alright, you know?

I'm also dealing with depression, loss of self, feelings of failure and just plain feeling like I've never lived. I realize I have spent the majority of my life raising other people's kids.  Twelve to be exact.  Twelve kids. From newborn to teen years.  Not always all at the same time and not all in consecutive developmental stages. None of these children were "normal".  Trauma was central, drug addictions, neglect, etc...  In the process of realizing this, I realized that my heart has never been light. It has been heavy with the hurt that all of these kids have endured because their parents wouldn't/couldn't be there for them.

I still relive the whole "Is that your mommy? Where's your mommy? Why is your mommy not here?" situation. I have been standing there seeing a child's heart break, seeing the pain and the let down to just see me there and hearing that conversation...let's see... It happened to A, C, G, P, T, S, A, A, A. So I've lived that NINE times at least once.  Not to mention having lived through it as a child myself except it wasn't my mother the other children asked about, it was my father.  I carry the fact that I can't understand how a MOTHER could do this to their child. How they can miss out the events that this situation has occurred in.  Mother/Daughter teas, awards assemblies, graduations, back to school nights, birthday parties, and on and on.  I know I've got the "good stuff too".   I do remember the frightened looks as they scanned the crowd and the ear to ear grins when they spot me and can breathe again.  I do remember chubby hands in mine dragging me to see their work on the wall or to meet their friends.  But those faces, those empty little faces...when they stare down at the ground and they don't know what to tell the person asking.  Those are haunting.

Lastly,  I am still mourning the loss of two children.  I may not have birthed them but it's still a loss.  The child I taught to walk, the child I taught to read, the child whose tears I wiped away because someone made fun of her because her mom doesn't want her.  That child hurt so bad she took her own life.  I don't necessarily mourn her death, but I mourn who she could've been before all the trauma and who she could've been if she had a chance after she was supposedly saved from her abusers.

I mourn the murder of my one year old niece who never had a chance from the start. I know she's in a better place now and I know that they can't hurt her anymore. But I can still smell that newborn scent from my Squishy's head even though I never got to see her after that. I knew she was a good baby.

These are some of the things I am living with. I haven't told my doctor any of it. He believes I have to let go of these things. He's probably right. It's a lot to cope with and since I didn't do it when it was all happening, here I am in the flood trying to keep my head above water.

But I'm going to be ok because I'm not alone and that is what got me through it all along.

*crickets chirping*

I hate the sound of crickets chirping.  Hate. it!

Sorry I've been away so long. I turned 35 at the end of last month and I was gifted with a heavy dose of depression. I think it may have been a total breakdown. I'm still having crying jags that are setting me off because I am not a crier. I hate crying. I used to only cry when I was mad or frustrated.

Things I have to blog about...

CDQ's lack of progress...
My doctor telling me that I am causing my own pain...

Hey it's all in my head. I'm so f'in magical I can turn my own fingers and deform my own knuckles. Isn't that a bitchin' super power to have?

Honestly, I don't know what my doctor's strategy is but I'm all for NOT having RA. Even though I have all the signs of RA, there's the one thing about my symmetrical pain that makes him think it's not RA.

I've asked God for a miracle. Please don't let me have RA. So I guess I should shorten my bitching and moaning, huh?

Maybe God's just helping me out?  In which case, let's just count this post as the one about my doctor telling me I cause my own pain...mmm'kay?

I do have to thank a reader for her comment on one of my RA posts. Chanele-- I was in a puddle of tears and angry and feeling like I was in denial about the RA (ironically this was before I saw my doctor) and needing to snap out of it the moment your comment came through. I hope you come back and see this. I appreciate your comment and your encouraging words of support. They mean more than you will ever know.

Hope all is well with everyone :-)