In a dark, dark place...

I haven't written here for so many reasons. Unfortunately, those reasons revolve around me.

Ironically, my kids at home are doing mostly great. The boy is "going RAD" on me a little each day. But I can handle that because it's one kid.  Thankfully. I still get crazy scared that he'll end up like CDQ. But honestly, his behaviors are nothing like hers. At least not on the level she was.

I want to write about the treatment center CDQ is in, but I'm just not there yet. I'm also worried I'll jinx it. This place. They know her already. They deal specifically with RAD kids on a daily basis and it's been here right under our nose the entire time. I have told them they really need to get the word out.

CDQ hasn't changed. It's amazing to me because this place...I love it. They are down to earth, they are real.   They keep it real and I AM the ultimate word. They wanted the boy to do their day treatment but I asked to have a little more time with him. I wanted to bond some with him before I sent him off. I don't think his behaviors are as bad as those who would be his peers at the treatment center and I just felt that I needed a better connection with him before I put him around that. If I didn't think it was possible, I wouldn't keep him from the program. But I feel like I am on the cusp with him. I can see that I am thisclose to being able to have real conversations and that he wants to listen and wants to change.

The teacher of the class I have been (trying) to take told me he was just trying to find a way to get me some respite. When I explained to him that having the boy gone wouldn't necessarily give me any respite because he would learn new ways to punish me and he does have RAD. He agreed. But he also lectured me and warned me that I was basically one foot in the grave. BUT, he told me that I was the parent and it is my decision. He said I knew my child best and I'm the one who lives with him everyday.

I swear tears came to my eyes. Because the last two therapists took that from me. I allowed them to make me feel worthless and inadequate and incapable of raising these children because I have never had a child or I didn't go to school for this. At the Center, they understand what I have accomplished. They tell me to focus on my 80% success rate.

They tell me I had to have been doing something right. I gave these kids the conditions they needed to move forward without the help of a trained professional. They are most impressed with how much my kids open up to me about their traumas. They tell me that is HUGE.  I am their safe place.

I just assumed all of our kids shared their traumas with us.

That is what makes me sick. The things they share. The behaviors scare me because I wonder what will become of them if they don't stop the lying and the stealing.  But the details that they have shared with me. Those are the things that are eating me up inside.  Those are the things that make me sick. I'm carrying them and I don't know how to let them go.

Those traumas have also triggered my own traumas.  I am learning so much about myself. I knew I had repressed myself,  but I had no idea to what levels. I thought I had started the process of finding myself a long time ago but apparently, it was just a layer I discovered and the loss of my best friend, who pushed me like no other to find myself sent me in a deeper spiral then I even realized.

I have also repressed pain. I found myself pondering this the other day at the acupuncturist. I realized that 1.) I can't always identify where my pain is and 2.)  I lie about the presence and intensity of my pain. I play it down a lot. I believe there are levels that I can just live with. My acupuncturist says I shouldn't have any pain.

I've gone back and forth about just how much to share with everyone. I'm terrified that people will think I am unfit to care for my kids. I feel this way because of the negativity that I am still trying to get rid of brought on by my children's therapists and a lot of what I am processing right now cuts me to my core, it makes me physically unable to do things and that is what my mother is here for.  Honestly though, my kids and my husband do well together without me. Maybe it's my own guilt for needing this time for myself when I know they still need me.

But I also think that this here is what makes me able to parent my kids successfully. I wonder if I share and someone sees bits of me and what I share in their child, if it will help them to identify or at least understand their child a little more. Maybe I can articulate or trigger something that opens up dialogue. I can see how my children feel sometimes because I know that feeling. Does that make sense? I think every parent has that to an extent. I just share some experiences with my children that other parents may not.

I will try to post what I can. I am posting this with pain in my fingers. My attempt is to loosen them up but sometimes it makes it worse.  When I do post, remember I am still freshly processing these things and my thoughts are subject to change as I begin to understand what I couldn't understand in my younger years.

I will close for now by saying, our kids are very brave and courageous. They process these terrible things and they continue on. They amaze me. I struggle with my own haunts at my age because I pushed them aside but these babies, they are so strong and they go THROUGH it almost everyday.  Sometimes they know when they are working on it and sometimes they don't understand. They've trusted and they've been burned. This isn't to say they can treat us badly, but it helps to be able to recognize when they are being little jerks (after all they ARE still kids) and when they are scared, lonely and tired of "the fight".  To finally be able to identify that makes all the difference.