Final Straw

I haven't said much about my situation.

I asked my mom to move here to help me. Instead she brought trouble.  She's hardly helped at all if I am totally honest. The best thing she has done was stumble across my acupuncturist at a craft fair after yelling at me because I was at home crying in pain and unable to move and "no fun".

Tonight, my mother actually dug her nails into my hand and she punched my knuckles over a stupid plastic bracelet my daughter made her.

My cat likes shiny things. I asked her to show it to my cat because my cat gets all love-y around bling. I simply lifted up the beads from her wrist to allow my cat to sniff them and my mom did that to me. If I would have busted or stretched the cheap shit, I would have paid to have my daughter make her a new one.

I pay my mother half my paycheck to sit around and do nothing but be an able bodied adult in my house while I am not here.  I don't know what the laws are. Hubbins is an adult but because he is disabled I don't know if I left the kids with him if that's a problem or not.  It shouldn't be, he's their legal father and I'm talking about doctor's appointments and grocery store trips...not vacations or anything.

But the joke is on me. Before her car was totaled she was never here and now that she has no car, I am her chauffeur.

She punched my knuckles.

If you've been reading here, you know my problems. My hands, my hands are all jacked up and until TODAY I hadn't had much relief and she did that.

She dug her nails in my hand and wouldn't let go. I tried to let go of the bracelet and I couldn't because her nails were dug into my hand that far.  Then I got angry and I was going to bust the stupid bracelet. But all I could do was look at her and see how fucking pathetic she was.

I tried to hold it back but I couldn't anymore. I called her a fucking bitch.

I've been respecting someone who doesn't deserve it for far too long.

Earlier this week, she literally took my breath from me. My mouth was moving but there was no air, no voice. Maybe that is the true meaning of shock and disbelief. Like being socked in the stomach but with words.

I'm sick of her snide comments. She was showing me a sales ad and I was saying I was glad there was a sale on summer clothes because it costs almost $100 to buy the kids one set of clothes and she acts like I am the one who decided to have these kids back to back and that basically I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I'm sick of that attitude. I'm also sick and tired of every time my kids do something "stupid" she tells me "YOUR SMART SON" or "YOUR BRIGHT DAUGHTER".  I've been paying for my mother's mistakes my entire life. She's ridden on my back for as long as she could and she can't see that.

She likes to try and blame my physical problems on Hubbins but she's ran me through the mill since I was old enough to follow directions.  She denies everything she's done.

I raised myself. THAT is why I am a GOOD PERSON. Even though I lost my path recently. GOD was watching out for me and giving me the strength I needed and THAT is how I survived. I learned to stay under the radar. I don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep, talked myself out of running away and talked myself out of killing myself.  I had forgotten about all that until I started processing in acupuncture. All those times I wished I was dead.

But for her to think she can take credit for me. heh...

PLLLEASE.

I have never told her she was a bad mom. I have never blamed her for anything.  But if I was honest with myself. She is a bad mother, she wasn't a mother at all. She only came for me when she needed me.

What kind of mother does what she did tonight to their child? period.

Is EVEN that fucking bracelet more precious to her?

I know...I wasn't supposed to happen. I know I'm a pill baby and she didn't want me. I get it. But she better open her eyes and see that God sent me to her anyway because SHE needed ME.

As she says herself. This is the first time I EVER asked her for anything and I am now 35 years old.  I needed her help with something I did NOT create.

Tonight, I told her I didn't need her help anymore.  She said "yeah." Like I used her all up or something and now I'm just tossing her aside.

Seriously.

Actually, I take it back, the best thing my mother did is show her grandchildren her true colors. They hate her and I am glad they are able to see it now because there was a time when they thought she was a person they could run to because I was too strict, etc... now...they love and appreciate me even more.

So thank you, "Mom", thank you for that.