It's 3 am...

and I am so stressed.

1.) I have a reader from Tucson, AZ and I don't want to scare anyone off but I'm hoping it's not relatives.

2.) I'm angry that I have to worry about relatives reading my blog.  Well, not really relatives but the kids bio mom.

3.) Part of me doesn't want to care and the other part thinks I should move my blog...but then I think when will it ever end...

4.) I hate my so called family.

Do you guys have family that is just plain out trash? That's how I feel about my family. I'm going to lay  out there what I know. My grandmother has alzheimers. Her husband and some of her kids have been ripping her off. Her other kids don't even care enough to take care of her.

My mom is doing all her daily care.

Case in point, My mom was at my grandma's house this past week helping her out around 2 pm. In the course of looking for a drinking glass she discovered that mice had been in my grandmother's cupboards and had eaten cornbread mix and whatnot. Then she gave my grandmother a shower (she is the only one who does this) and discovered that my grandmother has been throwing her underwear out and only has four pairs which were all dirty. To make a long story short, she calls me at 7:30 pm to discuss moving arrangements and I find out that she's just leaving my grandmother's house because she had to do the laundry and make sure she is fed.

I have an uncle who tries, but the rest... I don't know. One aunt is a recluse, the other is too busy with her life in California and the third aunt wants to puke at the thought of bathing my grandmother.  Her other son seems to show up when it suits him. She had six children and this is what it has come to.

I'm pissed because here I am, yes, I am the caretaker for a million people (so it seems) but I work from home, my house is ADA, I actually have a manual wheelchair and a shower chair and a shower she can get into (her home has a bathtub/ shower setup only) and I don't need ANYBODY'S money.  I'm hiring my mom to work for me as a nanny/housekeeper. Someone is here 24/7.

Everybody is soooo worried now. Only one aunt knows most of the situation here.  I have an aunt and an uncle that know that Hubbins is a quadriplegic and none of them save the one aunt knows that I have adopted my half sisters kids. They only know that one of my nieces was killed.

I'm very concerned about my grandmother.  I even said if she did not come with my mother, I was going to call the hotline for the disabled and the elderly.  I can't understand these people.  I really can't. Only my aunt who is a recluse has severe health issues. The rest are just worthless. I mean look at all I have already, it's nothing like them and they can't even take the time for her.  It makes me so angry and hurt.  My grandmother gave her entire life for them. She has and continues to put up with the abuse of my grandfather because she is one of those who is in it for life.

I hate that this has happened to her. I want to protect her from all the vultures. She hasn't been ruled incompetent but she doesn't have a durable power of attorney either. This would leave her at the mercy of her abusive husband who has a gambling problem should she be named incompetent. It's so scary.

I haven't been in the picture for the past 15 years or so because of her husband. I purged all toxic people out of my life then and he was one of them. She always chooses him because she doesn't believe she has another choice. This kills me.  I want no connection with the majority of those people who are supposed to be my family, but I'm not denying anyone access to her if she were to come live here except for the aunt who abused me and even then it's not access to my grandmother, I just don't want to see her. You know?

I can't understand why this has to be like this.  This is clearly the better place for her to be and they can keep on with their worthless lives without having to worry. Part of me thinks most of them are worried about her money and not her. I know my aunt who is sick is worried that I am taking on too much.  I worry that myself.  But you do what you gotta do. I need help and so does my grandmother and mother. I can't see why we can't all help each other out.  Hubbins and I are in a position financially to take them in and still be able to live comfortably without any monetary contribution from either of them.  They can use their money for what they need and not have to pay rent, food or utilities. We got all that.  So what's the problem?

It's some of their (her other children) insecurities and their inability to support themselves which is at stake. They should be honest.  I've never asked anyone for anything. Not a favor or a loan. I've always been able to support myself and have done so most of my life since I was a teen, even helping to support my mother and my sisters for a while by working 4 jobs while still putting myself through school.

As for me, no, I won't be able to purchase my grandmother a recliner or new clothes, but she has her own money for that and no I won't be able to pay my mom's bills but again she will have her own money for that... it's all just crazy to me.

My grandmother used to be a teacher's assistant for many years. I homeschool my kids, I can't think of a better way to help jog her mind by having her work with my kids if she feels up to it. She loved working with kids and all my kids are the right age range.

My grandmother loved to cook and she's always had a tiny kitchen and appliances that don't work. I have a large kitchen that my husband can do wheelies around in his motorized chair with room left over. My grandmother can't do stairs, we don't have any. We have ramps.

It makes no sense why they want to hand her a death sentence.

I don't even want to go into the way my own siblings have been treating my mother.

I am terrified. All I've ever wanted was a real family. I thought I was marrying into a pretty cool and close knit family and boy was that a slap in the face.

I am trying so hard to change this cycle and create the kind of family I always wanted for my children. I've discussed this with my mother. I know it's what she's always wanted for her children. We are both at a loss at how to make this happen.  I'm the only one who seemed to get the message.

Sorry this is so long, I feel a little better putting it out there. It's now 4 am. I probably won't sleep a wink until I know they are both here safely.

Shh...

I'm trying not to jinx myself but I think I found the problem with my computer.

Oh yeah, you all don't know that I was having a computer problem because the damn thing kept freezing up every stinkin time I typed or used the mouse.  I was ready to stomp the thing when I finally came across the patch to fix it. So far so good, knock on wood.

It's two days until my mom and grandmother come. There has been plenty of drama in the mean time but my kids are kicking ass (again hoping not to jinx it).

Things are going well, Hubbins sore is so close to gone we can see the end of the tunnel, literally. His 5 cm and 4 cm tunneling pressure sores are now at .3 cm each.  We can see the bottom of the sores coming up close to the top layer.  I haven't forgotten the post on the wound vac.  I need to upload pics now that my computer is working, but it's a little miracle worker that must be shared.

As for me, this post is coming to you pain free.  I've had pain today, but I've had hardly any inflammation at all and my muscles are getting stronger. This will make more sense when I explain my research and the vitamins and supplements that I am taking that took away the inflammation.  No inflammation reduces the pain by at least 90% AFTER my muscles started to repair themselves.

This might be TMI and it might even be premature but I am so elated I have to share.

You all know Aunt Flo, I'm sure. For me,  the past 10 years or so I have had terrible knock down periods where I've found myself face to the cool floor hunched over.  Let's just say once upon a time every blue moon I would have to take a children's chewable tylenol and I would be out in 10-15 minutes. Then it changed to Mi-dol, A-leve, to finally several Ibuprofen and nothing would help the pain.  My periods would start and stop and then start up again (this actually will come into play when I post about my health later). Anyhoo, to make a short story long, my last cycle was a dream.  I had one persistent cramp, no lags, and none of that other stuff (without getting too graphic, which I hope I haven't done so already).

Of course, I am sooooo suspicious that Flo may come later and this might be caused by stress (even though it was right on time for my cycle), because believe me I am so stressed out right now...if only you guys knew the stuff that was hitting the fan across state lines with family crap (I will tell later, after all the legal matters are settled).  But I've been pretty faithful to taking better care of myself then I had been.  So, who knows.

Anyhow, I might be gone again with all the moving stuff the next week or so but I'm looking forward to some time with my working computer and getting all the posts I've been wanting to write written.

Trying not to get my hopes up and to keep my excitement contained, but things are looking up around here even if my house is a disaster zone at the moment. I've had my inflammation controlled for about a month and a half now and I just seem to be getting stronger. Still have some days of deep fatigue and possibly depression from that...but good overall.

Hope all is well with you guys.

What's going on here...

Well...

A lot and not much at the same time.

I have my inflammation under wraps. I've had a few flare ups but mostly just achy muscles because I have become so weak from the Ibuprofen and not moving much. I think I might have a broken foot but nothing I can do about it.

I guess the big announcement is that my mother and my grandmother are coming to live with me.  I asked my mom two months ago if she could come and help me.  Friday was her last day of work.  My grandmother is moving here because no one else takes care of her but my mother. She has alzheimer's and diabetes. My mom has diabetes too. Both aren't doing too well.

So...I don't know if I am adding to the house o'crap or actually going to have help. My mom has called freaked out the past couple of days.  My siblings and her siblings and my grandmother's husband have been giving her shit.  She's scared and mad.

I'm royally pissed.  I'm trying to keep my cussing to a minimum. But....

so.hard.

She's been crying and I'm not really used to that much. I have to keep reassuring her everything will be alright...that part, I'm used to. I'm worried about falling back into role reversals. I've always been the responsible one. *sigh*

I think in some ways, she's relieved to be leaving there and in others she's worried.  I don't know if she's doing this because she feels guilty. She told the others that this is the only thing I have ever asked of her and she needs to help me. It's true. I've never asked anyone for anything.  This was the hardest thing to do, but I know if I don't get help...I won't be around much longer.

The kids bio mom is in the hospital. She's been there for over a week.  I know people are going to get their panties in a knot over this one, but they can't figure out what's wrong with her and I hope she dies.  I have every right to say that. She's my half sister and she's been a mistake since the day she was born.  The best thing she can do for my children is die. Then they won't have to be looking over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. Maybe their nightmares will go away too.  Maybe their smiles might become genuine.

So, I've been busy either trying to move things around in my house to make room for two more people or stuck in my chair unable to move from pure exhaustion from just breathing I guess.  Hubbins is talking about getting me a rolling cart for my computer because I'm not able to sit at my desk for very long.

I read this awesome letter by Amanda, oh did I laugh and not feel so all alone.  For me, she hit the nail on the head for the most part. I don't have a team of people or medical for that matter...but the cooking and hoarders, and showers....yup! Let's not forget the people who piss me off. LOL!

Oh and Hubbins sores are doing awesome, I am going to make myself take pictures of the wound vac and write about it because it is awesome. I know a lot of people come here for my pressure sore post and this is a must post.

Well, my right hand is starting to shake for some reason so I'm out of here for now.



Hope all is well with everyone.

When Bios Show Up...

So the kid's bio mother showed up at my house.

Sadly, it had truly nothing to do with the children. She wants me.  She wants me to pay for all she has done.  Everything regarding her life and the kids and her bad choices are my fault.

Yeah.

She was outside my house screaming.  Some people drove her here from the state she resides in. I called the police.

You will all love this part. Even with the TPR, even with the closed adoption agreement, even with the offer of supplying birth certificates.... I have no help.

This is what I was told,

These matters change all the time, if she had a court order to see her children, she would be allowed.

Uh, What. The. Fuuuuck???

I guess closed adoption means nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

Bottom line, it's a civil matter and they are just here to keep the peace.

Funny thing, I wanted to press charges for abuse, they told me I couldn't because she had already been charged and convicted and it would be double jeopardy.

So in other words, she has to abuse my kids again and then I can go after her.

My kids are hanging in here. I was able to divert them with music in one of the rooms at the back of the house. They knew something was up but they never saw her or the police. I decided to play it straight with them and tell them the truth. They all had stomach troubles last night and ate twice as much as they normally do. We had an impromptu slumber party and watched episodes of Man V. Food until nearly midnight.


I decided to go the truth route because I figured we needed a plan. What if they had been playing outside? What exactly are they supposed to do if she shows again? So we covered those things. We also talked about how one of their worst nightmares had come true and how they are safe, protected and loved and how everything is still the same.  CDQ actually clung to me for comfort. She has never come to me before like that.  That's a breakthrough right there. I also told them that although I could understand why they felt so afraid, she should also realize that they are not helpless babies anymore.  They are strong kids with voices that count.  I told them when they were little she probably seemed like such a big big person to them but in reality they are probably almost as tall as her now. (She's 4'11")

I wanted them to feel empowered.

As for me, there must be a God because I begged Him for help.  I wanted to kill her and it was a fight between mind and body.  My body was shaking so hard from restraining myself.  I kept telling myself how much the kids and Hubbins needed me. I called my mother and stayed on the phone with her.  If I hadn't, I don't know if I would have stayed inside.

As far as the RA, I've found a way to eliminate inflammation through herbs and supplements and I have been building up my weak muscles, but with the adrenaline that was pumping through me, I don't think it would have mattered. I know that this isn't the answer, but all I can think of is how my kids could finally feel safe if she weren't walking this Earth.

Oh and to the assholes who sold my information for $50, I hope you get your just rewards and it was worth it, because I blame you and once I find out which place it was, there will be trouble.

Can't say for sure

when I will be back. It's very painful to type this now.  I'm doing it with my left hand since my right is locked into a claw position and hurts to move the vein even or at least that's what it feels like.

Hanging in here.

I am breathing...dang it!

So you know when you can feel yourself escalating and you don't know why?

No, um ok...

Well, anyway, I feel myself escalating over nothing. To see me, you would see a person who is calmly typing or walking through the house doing a little of this and that...but inside...oooh boy!

I thought about saying "screw it all" and taking off to the movies...but honestly, I'm so wound up, I'm not even sure I could watch a movie. It would be a waste of money, at least for the movie portion...now movie snacks on the other hand....hmmmmm.

You know what though? I miss them all when I'm gone. For real!

Some people might think I'm strange considering the way I go on and on, but I miss them when I am gone almost every time. I would liken it to the mother whose kid is in daycare saying first words and learning how to walk while she's at work.  My kids are different little people and I learn new things about them every day. Some great, some not so great.  With their new found feelings of security, they have been able to shine through all the fear and I have some awesome little kids.

Yes, I know they are all pushing 10 or just over 10 mostly, but that's not what I see. For the most part, I see chubby little toddlers finding their way.  Not literally...of course. But you know...

The breathing technique in Beyond Consequences was working for me,  but not today.  (Note to God...haha, you are soooooo funny.  Just make me go through every thing my kids do, huh?)  I'm not trying to make this blog all about me, and it's not even that it matters, but holy hell, is this what PTSD is like? I think all that time that I had "meltdowns" with my kids in the past is now coming on as a full blown loss of mind.  All that time when everything was crumbling around me and I was trying to be a rock and make the right decisions, it's catching up to me now in the "calm of the storm".

I feel at this very moment that I have nothing to be stressing about. But it won't shut off. UGH!

I write this because I know somewhere someone will read this and agree with me.  Someone else is feeling like this right now about something.

I read the Reiki principles at the top of my blog, I so want to feel that. I keep telling myself: One.Minute.At.A.Time.   Yet somehow my minute has extended to days, maybe even weeks. I never was and still am not good at telling time.

So, I guess it's time to ask myself, "What the hell are you scared of?"

Good Question...

So tired...

I gotta tell you this sucks.

My neck is good now and the inflammation in my knuckles and some of my fingers has gone down, but my eyes are all droopy and tired like.

But hey, did you know about the cortisol studies for mom's like us? Did you also know about something called Adrenal Fatigue?  Guess who has the symptoms? Guess what Adrenal Fatigue can bring on...if you guessed arthritis...here's 10 points for you.  I've been wanting to do a post with links on this. (*Note to self...post with links. )

I'm afraid I'm gonna forget things.

This week was hell, I found myself speeding home just to get away from CDQ. I locked myself in the bathroom as soon as we got home and cried my heart out.  Rest assured it's not even CDQ that is the issue. It's the therapist.  I've been starting to feel an irrational resentment towards CDQ.  I fully know it's irrational and I know it has more to do with my growing dislike for her therapist.   Every time I see CDQ, I am able to push aside any dumb feelings that start to surface to be there for her, but God knows I want to quit every few days or so.

I. need. a. break.

Seriously.

What's getting to me the most is that, things aren't so bad around here.  I mean really. No more rages, no more stealing, no more pissing on the floors and crapping on the walls. I've survived what I thought was the worst.

But I think the worst is yet to come.  My kids are comfortable now. They are sharing in detail their abuses. When I can, I sit with them and it becomes a torture marathon.  As one kid comes in right after another, I listen to the abuses they've been through or those that they've witnessed.  I feel like some kind of twisted Santa Claus, they sit on my lap in my recliner and I rock them if I can as they tell me these gruesome things. I reassure them that it was never their fault but they still don't believe.  I carry this all inside just like they do. It didn't happen to me and I'm not so confused about the rage I feel.  Do your kids share with you?

My eyes are so dry they sting and burn, another symptom. Bear with me, I will try to update when I can. I'm thinking of keeping a notebook so I can remember it all.  If I could find a way to vlog private from the kids I will do it.  I might have to move my computer into the closet.  I don't think that's really possible since my desk is 6 ft long, I'd have to move dressers and clothes out of there. The other thing is Hubbins has been bedridden and my computer is in the room. I don't know how well a vlog would go with him butting in every minute. lol!

I'll see what I can do, in the meantime, I hope everyone is well.