as usual a TON to post about but my neck has been locked up since Wednesday afternoon and sitting up still hurts some.
Add two wisdom teeth which are insisting my bottom jaw make room for them and I just want to scream....ARGHHHH!
Trying to remember everything I want to share.
Hope all is well with everyone.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The next morning...
This actually started here and then I continued here and now this is the rest below...
So the next morning I rounded up the herd in the kitchen and I asked them if they thought when I disciplined them it was because they were crying. I asked them to raise their hands. CDQ did and so did the boy. The oldest was confused by the topic and SS said that she didn't think that. Poufy said that "they got disciplineded" because they did things they weren't supposed to be doing. SS agreed with Poufy.
BTW, Poufy likes to ask me if she is being hayved (behaving) isn't that cute?
CDQ said that she felt that they got in trouble because they were crying for things they needed. A huge bell went off in my head when she said that. I asked the boy why he thought that it was because he cried. He wasn't sure. So I told him to think about something I had been talking to him about for weeks. Honestly, I can't remember right now. But it fit the situation for my example. Let's just say it was a toy, that's not what it was but I just can't seem to remember. I asked the kids if they could tell me how many times I've said something about it... there was consensus that it had been "a lot" then I asked them how long have I been saying it...apparently over a week. Then I said so when you lose it as a consequence, do you think you lost it because you were crying or because you didn't put it away. Then he understood that pretty much everything ENDS with him crying because of the consequence and not caused by his crying because he didn't start crying until he found out his consequence.
Then I got another idea. I said I think that when they first moved here that they didn't realize that our house was different so they kept living the same way. I said that Hubbins and I didn't realize what they had been through because nobody had said anything about it. Then when people started saying really bad things had happened to them, Hubbins and I didn't know what real bad things meant because in our world we couldn't imagine what really bad things were, or at least nothing like what really happened to them. So we were trying to raise them like kids who always had what they needed and were just doing bad things. Then they started telling us themselves what had happened and we started to understand some.
Then CDQ said. Yeah, with (the bios) we got in trouble because we cried because we didn't have food or anything to drink and we got in trouble.
I told her that we didn't know that and when we said you had a choice to stop the bad behavior and have dinner with the family (most rages used to occur as dinner was being made or just before) or have a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed, we thought it was a choice for you. Then I asked them if normally you give someone the choice to either have dinner with the family or to have a peanut butter sandwich, which one would they think the person would choose?
Of course, now that most of my kids are mostly regulated and not living so much in fear, they can see that choice but I know before they couldn't. Still my point hit home and I was learning so much from them.
Then a great thing happened yesterday, at least for CDQs peace of mind. The boy got in "trouble". It's in quotes because I didn't think of him as being in trouble. I was thinking he didn't sleep well and needed a break or a nap or something. Anyhow, The Boy had been on the computer doing his homeschool for most of the morning and normally he loves it and shouts out his scores or what he's doing next but that morning he was just not into it. He was not paying attention to his computer and looking at everyone else's computers. Just plain not there. I had told him several times prior to CDQ starting her work that he needed to pay attention to his own work. Finally it was like the 20th time (yeah, I haven't learned that I probably should have redirected him to a break rather than keep telling him to pay attention a lot sooner.) when I told him he had to take a break. I told him to just go to his room and relax, take a nap if he needed to but he was done for now. That brought out tears as he went to his room. I told him he wasn't in trouble it was just a break.
I decided I would take that opportunity to discuss a real live (since it was happening at that moment) example with CDQ. I asked her if she had noticed how many times I had told him to pay attention to his work. She said at least 4 (she had been out working for about 30 minutes at that point) and yes, she had noticed this time because of what we talked about. She noticed how he was still crying even though I had told him he wasn't in trouble and how she sees that I wasn't like M or J at all and that I am "actually trying to help him." She said she had thought about it last night and she knows the difference between discipline and being mean.
SCORE!!!!
Next time, hallucinations and hearing voices...She's not just living in a fantasyland.
Also, how I found a cool way to compromise on the music issue on my own.
Oh and I guess I should also mention how we resolved the boy's issue and it ended on a good note.
Unless I blog about how my first therapy session goes, it's today. In which case, the above are notes to myself to remember to post about those things.
So then...
You'll want to read this post first for this stuff to make some sense...
So, CDQ had a therapy session, and then we ran errands and then I had the last of 6 eye doctor appointments spanning the whole week (Everyone wears glasses but me). This time it was everyone going to the appointment because Hubbins was getting his eyes checked too. I had decided we were going to have dinner out because, unless you count ambulance rides to the hospital, Hubbins hadn't been out of the house since I think, hell, it had been months. I think the time before that was a rehab doctor appointment before Thanksgiving. Can't really remember.
I was getting really worried it was becoming too much for CDQ. She seemed to be on the edge but I didn't know exactly what to do, the rest of the entire family were so happy and excited to be out and I was on pins and needles with CDQ. I had her sit next to me and I kept reminding her to breath and telling her she was ok. It wasn't working. I wish I would have read sooner on someone else's blog that they walk their children around outside of the restaurant when they see it's too much.
Also, bear with me. I can't remember who's blog and I'm almost positive someone else might have mentioned it but I have to tell you, I am so overworked right now that I truly can't remember things that I have said myself even if I may have just said them. It's kind of scaring me. It makes me feel a little like what the Octomom sounded like on this clip I saw of her on youtube when she was on The View, No I don't laugh like that, but I do get sidetracked easily, anyhow I digress. (ut oh, did I just do what I said I do?)
Anyhow, this is going somewhere...we made it all in one piece home. That was Friday, Saturday morning was going to be a free day at the landfill to bring in stuff that they don't pick up. I had several ripped to shreds mattresses and broken dressers/drawers, broken toys, etc... that I wanted to get rid of so I had CDQ come inside and the others start gathering these things by the van for me to load.
I heard CDQ yelling something from her room through the intercom. I thought she said they were messing with her outside her window so I went outside. No one was near her window. We live on a half acre, they were at the far end of the property as far away from the house you can be. Literally.
So, I came back in and went to her room. *deep breath*
I told her that they aren't near her bedroom. She said that's not what she was yelling, she was yelling because Poufy had picked up a stick while she was walking out to the end of the property, threw it for the dog and the dog chased it and brought it back and she threw it again.
If you are saying "Uh, yeah?" so was I.
I asked her what was wrong with that? She said that I had said they could play outside when we got home. I told her that I said if there was time, but we had stopped at Krispy Kreme next door to the restaurant so they could get hot donuts and we lost time. I told her they were outside moving stuff to the van (and quite honestly they probably were screwing around out there as they did it.) and that I had her come inside because I could tell she had a really stressful day.
She started telling me how she was lonely and she wanted to play with them. I said "really?" Not sarcastic or anything. I told her I thought she wanted to be alone and not be with them. I told her she said she wanted to have a new family. I want to be really clear that I was not saying this loud or mean. I made sure I kept my voice low because I didn't want her to accuse me of anything and I really did want to know if it was a change of heart. Then she started screaming that everything was their (the other kids) fault. They made her mad, she just wants to smack them, etc...
I probably should've kept my yap shut and just let her vent. But you know hindsight and all that. My big mouth started saying...Noooo, they have nothing to do with it...so then she promptly turned her anger on me.
Yay, go me! (but wait, I get even more dense!)
All of a sudden, I don't make her feel safe here, I've hit her thousands of times and I spank all the other kids and make them listen to the others screaming and crying while I do it. She wants a phone now because she's going to call the police on me...blah, blah, blah (<--- that's not there to make fun of what she's saying, I was so stunned I don't remember)...
then the clincher.... you're just like M and J (bio parents).
Then I said "Oh, really?" (yeah, rolling my own eyes now. God I can't believe I did that, I mean--I can't and then I can...one word...DUH! Why haven't I learned?) So then I called the other kids in and told her to go ahead and ask them or tell them or whatever she wanted to do. So she started saying that they get spanked all the time and how I've hit her a thousand times and of course the other kids are bewildered and start telling her it's not true to which CDQ gets even madder... and then I realize how F'in stupid I am and how *I* personally disrupted everyone out of my own damn fear over CDQs lies. So I ushered everyone out and shut the door behind us.
Anyone ever seen Bridget Jones' Diary? Remember when it said "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucck......" on the screen. That was my moment.
So I tried to think of something quickly. There I go with the mini tramp dragging it in there and telling her I think we should try it out. She's a puddle. I'm a s$%^. I help her on to the mini tramp and she's just blabbering and all I see is my kid hurting, I can't even hear her words. I had already screwed up so badly I figured so what if she pushes me away or accuses me of touching her. I pulled her to me while she was still standing on the tramp and just hugged her as tight as I could. She actually melted into me. I carried her off the tramp despite my screaming arms and I just told her how I felt about her. I told her that I didn't know all that had happened to her but that I knew that none of us in this house had purposefully hurt her and that I was sorry people had hurt her. I told her that I could see she was hurting, how I loved her and I didn't want to see her hurting and how she had no idea just how much I love her and we all love her. How she is my daughter to me, even if she doesn't want to be. I had to put her down because I would've dropped her my muscles were screaming so loud. So we sat down. We practiced breathing. Yep, BOTH of us.
I was cradling her like a baby in my arms. She told me she wanted to tell me something inappropriate she said to the therapist. Here I'm thinking it's going to be cuss words. She tells me she wants to die. She wants to start asking people if they will kill her and she told the therapist this.
This is what is making me angry. I will ask the therapist first...but I believe my child did tell her this and she talked to me first about the Jonas Bros? WTF? Then about cussing? When was she going to tell me my kid was suicidal? At the funeral? I told her I wasn't upset and I didn't think it was inappropriate, I thought it was sad and we would all miss her. She started telling me how she was just tired of hurting and it had been too long already and she just wanted it to stop. I know how she feels. This whole experience thus far has made me feel this way too.
I told her that all this was temporary and that death was permanent and I asked her why she would let all those people who hurt her win and have that power over her. I told her the best thing she can do is show them that they didn't break her and that she's going to be just fine. I told her that her grandfather had hurt me too and that the last thing I would ever do is give him my life. I would never give him that power.
I told her that there was nothing she did that could have given anyone the idea that it was ok to touch her or do anything to her. I told her that if they told her she was ugly or dumb or anything like that to make her feel like she was nothing she should never believe them because they say those things to make you feel bad about yourself. She said they said things like that and that they also said they were sorry. I said, "Oh, you got those kind. The kind that say they didn't mean it, they're sorry and they promise they will never do it again." She broke what was left of my heart. She said they never said they wouldn't do it again. I held her until she got up.
I decided she should go on the mini tramp anyway. So she did, after she got off, she told me there was something else she wanted to tell me. She walked near her desk and lifted a sweater from the floor under it was scissors. She told me she was keeping them to attack anyone who came to get her but I don't think that was true. I think she could've hurt herself badly. I took them from her.
I came and sat in my room and I just thought about the whole day. Just all of it. Then something clicked. When we were sitting in the parking lot that morning waiting for our appointment, I asked CDQ if she felt safe in the van, she said yes, I asked if she felt safe in the parking lot, sometimes, in the waiting room, no. Then I changed tracks, I asked her about our house, she said no. I asked her if it just started recently or when she first came here, she said when she first came here. Then, I asked her if it was the house or the people in it. She said the people specifically her siblings. So I asked her if before when they lived with their bios if she felt this way and she said her whole life basically. When I asked her why, she said because it was always noisy and when you were scared because you thought someone was outside your window and you told them to shut up they wouldn't.
So that was said, then she had told me when we were sitting on the bed, that sometimes they just needed to cry and I need to let them ( I knew this was therapist talk because it sounded just like the cussing explanation the therapist tried to give me). I told her that I wasn't keeping her from crying, just from doing hurtful things to herself or others.
Then I thought about the comparing me to the bios.
It hit me like a ton of bricks....she's remembering her bios spanking them and being mean because they were crying and they wanted them to shut up. She's terrified because her little sister was murdered by her Dad just because she wouldn't stop crying. She thinks the same thing is going to happen here.
Doesn't it all seem so logical once we ( read: I) have a clue?
So, CDQ had a therapy session, and then we ran errands and then I had the last of 6 eye doctor appointments spanning the whole week (Everyone wears glasses but me). This time it was everyone going to the appointment because Hubbins was getting his eyes checked too. I had decided we were going to have dinner out because, unless you count ambulance rides to the hospital, Hubbins hadn't been out of the house since I think, hell, it had been months. I think the time before that was a rehab doctor appointment before Thanksgiving. Can't really remember.
I was getting really worried it was becoming too much for CDQ. She seemed to be on the edge but I didn't know exactly what to do, the rest of the entire family were so happy and excited to be out and I was on pins and needles with CDQ. I had her sit next to me and I kept reminding her to breath and telling her she was ok. It wasn't working. I wish I would have read sooner on someone else's blog that they walk their children around outside of the restaurant when they see it's too much.
Also, bear with me. I can't remember who's blog and I'm almost positive someone else might have mentioned it but I have to tell you, I am so overworked right now that I truly can't remember things that I have said myself even if I may have just said them. It's kind of scaring me. It makes me feel a little like what the Octomom sounded like on this clip I saw of her on youtube when she was on The View, No I don't laugh like that, but I do get sidetracked easily, anyhow I digress. (ut oh, did I just do what I said I do?)
Anyhow, this is going somewhere...we made it all in one piece home. That was Friday, Saturday morning was going to be a free day at the landfill to bring in stuff that they don't pick up. I had several ripped to shreds mattresses and broken dressers/drawers, broken toys, etc... that I wanted to get rid of so I had CDQ come inside and the others start gathering these things by the van for me to load.
I heard CDQ yelling something from her room through the intercom. I thought she said they were messing with her outside her window so I went outside. No one was near her window. We live on a half acre, they were at the far end of the property as far away from the house you can be. Literally.
So, I came back in and went to her room. *deep breath*
I told her that they aren't near her bedroom. She said that's not what she was yelling, she was yelling because Poufy had picked up a stick while she was walking out to the end of the property, threw it for the dog and the dog chased it and brought it back and she threw it again.
If you are saying "Uh, yeah?" so was I.
I asked her what was wrong with that? She said that I had said they could play outside when we got home. I told her that I said if there was time, but we had stopped at Krispy Kreme next door to the restaurant so they could get hot donuts and we lost time. I told her they were outside moving stuff to the van (and quite honestly they probably were screwing around out there as they did it.) and that I had her come inside because I could tell she had a really stressful day.
She started telling me how she was lonely and she wanted to play with them. I said "really?" Not sarcastic or anything. I told her I thought she wanted to be alone and not be with them. I told her she said she wanted to have a new family. I want to be really clear that I was not saying this loud or mean. I made sure I kept my voice low because I didn't want her to accuse me of anything and I really did want to know if it was a change of heart. Then she started screaming that everything was their (the other kids) fault. They made her mad, she just wants to smack them, etc...
I probably should've kept my yap shut and just let her vent. But you know hindsight and all that. My big mouth started saying...Noooo, they have nothing to do with it...so then she promptly turned her anger on me.
Yay, go me! (but wait, I get even more dense!)
All of a sudden, I don't make her feel safe here, I've hit her thousands of times and I spank all the other kids and make them listen to the others screaming and crying while I do it. She wants a phone now because she's going to call the police on me...blah, blah, blah (<--- that's not there to make fun of what she's saying, I was so stunned I don't remember)...
then the clincher.... you're just like M and J (bio parents).
Then I said "Oh, really?" (yeah, rolling my own eyes now. God I can't believe I did that, I mean--I can't and then I can...one word...DUH! Why haven't I learned?) So then I called the other kids in and told her to go ahead and ask them or tell them or whatever she wanted to do. So she started saying that they get spanked all the time and how I've hit her a thousand times and of course the other kids are bewildered and start telling her it's not true to which CDQ gets even madder... and then I realize how F'in stupid I am and how *I* personally disrupted everyone out of my own damn fear over CDQs lies. So I ushered everyone out and shut the door behind us.
Anyone ever seen Bridget Jones' Diary? Remember when it said "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucck......" on the screen. That was my moment.
So I tried to think of something quickly. There I go with the mini tramp dragging it in there and telling her I think we should try it out. She's a puddle. I'm a s$%^. I help her on to the mini tramp and she's just blabbering and all I see is my kid hurting, I can't even hear her words. I had already screwed up so badly I figured so what if she pushes me away or accuses me of touching her. I pulled her to me while she was still standing on the tramp and just hugged her as tight as I could. She actually melted into me. I carried her off the tramp despite my screaming arms and I just told her how I felt about her. I told her that I didn't know all that had happened to her but that I knew that none of us in this house had purposefully hurt her and that I was sorry people had hurt her. I told her that I could see she was hurting, how I loved her and I didn't want to see her hurting and how she had no idea just how much I love her and we all love her. How she is my daughter to me, even if she doesn't want to be. I had to put her down because I would've dropped her my muscles were screaming so loud. So we sat down. We practiced breathing. Yep, BOTH of us.
I was cradling her like a baby in my arms. She told me she wanted to tell me something inappropriate she said to the therapist. Here I'm thinking it's going to be cuss words. She tells me she wants to die. She wants to start asking people if they will kill her and she told the therapist this.
This is what is making me angry. I will ask the therapist first...but I believe my child did tell her this and she talked to me first about the Jonas Bros? WTF? Then about cussing? When was she going to tell me my kid was suicidal? At the funeral? I told her I wasn't upset and I didn't think it was inappropriate, I thought it was sad and we would all miss her. She started telling me how she was just tired of hurting and it had been too long already and she just wanted it to stop. I know how she feels. This whole experience thus far has made me feel this way too.
I told her that all this was temporary and that death was permanent and I asked her why she would let all those people who hurt her win and have that power over her. I told her the best thing she can do is show them that they didn't break her and that she's going to be just fine. I told her that her grandfather had hurt me too and that the last thing I would ever do is give him my life. I would never give him that power.
I told her that there was nothing she did that could have given anyone the idea that it was ok to touch her or do anything to her. I told her that if they told her she was ugly or dumb or anything like that to make her feel like she was nothing she should never believe them because they say those things to make you feel bad about yourself. She said they said things like that and that they also said they were sorry. I said, "Oh, you got those kind. The kind that say they didn't mean it, they're sorry and they promise they will never do it again." She broke what was left of my heart. She said they never said they wouldn't do it again. I held her until she got up.
I decided she should go on the mini tramp anyway. So she did, after she got off, she told me there was something else she wanted to tell me. She walked near her desk and lifted a sweater from the floor under it was scissors. She told me she was keeping them to attack anyone who came to get her but I don't think that was true. I think she could've hurt herself badly. I took them from her.
I came and sat in my room and I just thought about the whole day. Just all of it. Then something clicked. When we were sitting in the parking lot that morning waiting for our appointment, I asked CDQ if she felt safe in the van, she said yes, I asked if she felt safe in the parking lot, sometimes, in the waiting room, no. Then I changed tracks, I asked her about our house, she said no. I asked her if it just started recently or when she first came here, she said when she first came here. Then, I asked her if it was the house or the people in it. She said the people specifically her siblings. So I asked her if before when they lived with their bios if she felt this way and she said her whole life basically. When I asked her why, she said because it was always noisy and when you were scared because you thought someone was outside your window and you told them to shut up they wouldn't.
So that was said, then she had told me when we were sitting on the bed, that sometimes they just needed to cry and I need to let them ( I knew this was therapist talk because it sounded just like the cussing explanation the therapist tried to give me). I told her that I wasn't keeping her from crying, just from doing hurtful things to herself or others.
Then I thought about the comparing me to the bios.
It hit me like a ton of bricks....she's remembering her bios spanking them and being mean because they were crying and they wanted them to shut up. She's terrified because her little sister was murdered by her Dad just because she wouldn't stop crying. She thinks the same thing is going to happen here.
Doesn't it all seem so logical once we ( read: I) have a clue?
Monday, April 12, 2010
So much to post...
My hand hurts so bad but I'm going to try to get it all out. I had thought briefly about video blogging because there is so much to say but then CDQ has become a 24/7 fixture next to me and there's no way I could vlog like that.
She's still next to me right now, lying down on the floor staring at a digital picture frame I have that flips through pictures randomly.
Ok, starting with last week's session for CDQ. I am trying not to be angry the best I can because I can't really say whether it true or not but I'm inclined to believe my kid right now. I'm still going to wait to speak to the therapist first though before I officially let myself be angry about it. After CDQ's session I had my 10 minutes with the therapist. She said she had a few things to discuss with me. I thought there was some serious stuff but she starts off asking me if CDQ is allowed to listen to music whenever she wants. The answer is no, and the answer is no to what ever music she wants to listen to also.
This is since the day she lost her S%^& in Target. She saw a pj top with the j*onas B*ros (JB) on it and she flipped. She screeched, punched herself in the chest and head and pulled her hair and then slapped herself repeatedly while still screeching and screaming. It was as bad as it sounds and then some. I froze. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't even sure what the hell started it. We were looking through clothes and then that. I realized when she finally screeched JB.
So, yeah, no more music. Well, not completely. I've made some cds for them and I had downloaded songs for them to listen to on my computer so I could monitor that. They have a bedtime cd that has peaceful songs from some of their favorite movies, etc... Plus, we do family Wii nights, usually on holidays where they play Rock Band, Sing It!, and Dance, Dance, Revolution. So, there is music, just monitored.
Anyhow, she kept going on after I had already said what my rules were. Then she said "how about one JB song?" That's where I lost some of my patience. I told her directly no and then she asked me why and I told her why. CDQ had a LUMP on her head after that incident. Plus, she's already over-sexualized, I don't need to let Disney in my door that way so they can do more damage.
This has upset me. I'm not inflexible or overly controlling, but also I am the parent. I understand Heather Forbes way is that every behavior comes from a place of love or fear. But I don't go so far as to believe that all children's manipulations are all fear based. This therapist does. "Normal" children use manipulation to get what they want, so do mine...fear or not. I still have not finished my Beyond Consequences stuff but I'm not sure if Heather Forbes takes it as far as this therapist does.
Plus, she still hasn't gotten the full background on CDQ from me. She ran out of time and I guess that's all she wrote.
Anyhow, then she starts talking to me about how kids cuss. She said I shouldn't have a rule that kids can't cuss. She told me about her daughter in the 8th grade who cusses and how it doesn't bother her. I told her I was lucky I didn't have that problem and that CDQ and none of my other kids cuss. I've never had to say it, it was just understood that they shouldn't. I told her I am the cusser and that I have told my kids to never start and how I wish I hadn't and how bad it makes me feel and how dumb it makes me sound, etc... She still went on about it and I failed to see the point.
After session, I took CDQ with me to run some errands on the way home. A convo started like this.
CDQ: "The therapist said that if I wanted to listen to music, all I have to do is ask you."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we talked about that and the therapist was confused. She knows our rules now and she understands. But you can still ask. "
CDQ: "Can I listen to music sometime?"
Me: " It depends on whether I think you can handle it or not."
CDQ: "ok"
Um...triangulation much? "The therapist said"...grrr
I am THE parent. *sigh* I believe the therapist did "say" that to her. Maybe not with that intent but still.
Then you'll love this...later that night...I have a cussing child. (I tell you I so want to type sonofabeep right here!)
I don't care if it doesn't bother the therapist if her teen daughter cusses but my kid is 10 and she wasn't cussing before. I told CDQ that I didn't know what the therapist said to her but that our rule was she didn't cuss (hey, I have a rule now!) and I'd like it to stay that way (Also, c'mon...it's still Heather Forbes-ish...right?). I gave her alternative words to say.
And lest I sound too hypocritical, I've also made a point of correcting my language in front of the kids. The words might slip but I change them to alternative words. So I am trying. I'm giving up my only outlet. I can still semi cuss on here without offending anyone, right? lol
I'm really struggling with the whole parenting thing. Really. I have no confidence when it comes to this and I wish I knew my rights. I am still so terrified that they can take my kids from me. I'm terrified for my kids because I've made them so many promises about their safety here. Maybe that's why I am so scared because even though we've adopted them I still feel like I have no rights. I don't want to be another person who lied to them and let them down.
My situation is crazy. I know that. I think I am holding up damn well. Hubbin's home health nurse almost made me cry. Hubbins sore has gotten worse. I didn't know if it was because I couldn't change his sore for a few days (really bad flare up and I couldn't lift him). She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her all of it because she used to do treatment foster care for RAD kids and schizo kids. She said she had to get out, she just couldn't do it anymore. She thought we only had three kids. I told her there were 5. That's when she said she wanted to cry and tears came to her eyes. She didn't know how I was doing when she thought we had 3 and she couldn't imagine 5. I wanted to cry because I could only imagine how the kids she cared for must've hurt her for her to feel like crying. She gets it and she knows. She knows both sides; mine and the kids pain. She's the only person I know IRL who knows what it's like here. She's the only one I'll tell about my pain from the RA and the reason why I was so bad then too was because I had a wisdom tooth trying to come out and it was shifting my entire jaw. I can still feel that my jaw isn't right but at least the tooth has changed it's mind about coming out for now.
This is only part of it...now on to the really crazy beautiful stuff which will further explain my true anger with the therapist if I find out what CDQ said to me is true.
She's still next to me right now, lying down on the floor staring at a digital picture frame I have that flips through pictures randomly.
Ok, starting with last week's session for CDQ. I am trying not to be angry the best I can because I can't really say whether it true or not but I'm inclined to believe my kid right now. I'm still going to wait to speak to the therapist first though before I officially let myself be angry about it. After CDQ's session I had my 10 minutes with the therapist. She said she had a few things to discuss with me. I thought there was some serious stuff but she starts off asking me if CDQ is allowed to listen to music whenever she wants. The answer is no, and the answer is no to what ever music she wants to listen to also.
This is since the day she lost her S%^& in Target. She saw a pj top with the j*onas B*ros (JB) on it and she flipped. She screeched, punched herself in the chest and head and pulled her hair and then slapped herself repeatedly while still screeching and screaming. It was as bad as it sounds and then some. I froze. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't even sure what the hell started it. We were looking through clothes and then that. I realized when she finally screeched JB.
So, yeah, no more music. Well, not completely. I've made some cds for them and I had downloaded songs for them to listen to on my computer so I could monitor that. They have a bedtime cd that has peaceful songs from some of their favorite movies, etc... Plus, we do family Wii nights, usually on holidays where they play Rock Band, Sing It!, and Dance, Dance, Revolution. So, there is music, just monitored.
Anyhow, she kept going on after I had already said what my rules were. Then she said "how about one JB song?" That's where I lost some of my patience. I told her directly no and then she asked me why and I told her why. CDQ had a LUMP on her head after that incident. Plus, she's already over-sexualized, I don't need to let Disney in my door that way so they can do more damage.
This has upset me. I'm not inflexible or overly controlling, but also I am the parent. I understand Heather Forbes way is that every behavior comes from a place of love or fear. But I don't go so far as to believe that all children's manipulations are all fear based. This therapist does. "Normal" children use manipulation to get what they want, so do mine...fear or not. I still have not finished my Beyond Consequences stuff but I'm not sure if Heather Forbes takes it as far as this therapist does.
Plus, she still hasn't gotten the full background on CDQ from me. She ran out of time and I guess that's all she wrote.
Anyhow, then she starts talking to me about how kids cuss. She said I shouldn't have a rule that kids can't cuss. She told me about her daughter in the 8th grade who cusses and how it doesn't bother her. I told her I was lucky I didn't have that problem and that CDQ and none of my other kids cuss. I've never had to say it, it was just understood that they shouldn't. I told her I am the cusser and that I have told my kids to never start and how I wish I hadn't and how bad it makes me feel and how dumb it makes me sound, etc... She still went on about it and I failed to see the point.
After session, I took CDQ with me to run some errands on the way home. A convo started like this.
CDQ: "The therapist said that if I wanted to listen to music, all I have to do is ask you."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we talked about that and the therapist was confused. She knows our rules now and she understands. But you can still ask. "
CDQ: "Can I listen to music sometime?"
Me: " It depends on whether I think you can handle it or not."
CDQ: "ok"
Um...triangulation much? "The therapist said"...grrr
I am THE parent. *sigh* I believe the therapist did "say" that to her. Maybe not with that intent but still.
Then you'll love this...later that night...I have a cussing child. (I tell you I so want to type sonofabeep right here!)
I don't care if it doesn't bother the therapist if her teen daughter cusses but my kid is 10 and she wasn't cussing before. I told CDQ that I didn't know what the therapist said to her but that our rule was she didn't cuss (hey, I have a rule now!) and I'd like it to stay that way (Also, c'mon...it's still Heather Forbes-ish...right?). I gave her alternative words to say.
And lest I sound too hypocritical, I've also made a point of correcting my language in front of the kids. The words might slip but I change them to alternative words. So I am trying. I'm giving up my only outlet. I can still semi cuss on here without offending anyone, right? lol
I'm really struggling with the whole parenting thing. Really. I have no confidence when it comes to this and I wish I knew my rights. I am still so terrified that they can take my kids from me. I'm terrified for my kids because I've made them so many promises about their safety here. Maybe that's why I am so scared because even though we've adopted them I still feel like I have no rights. I don't want to be another person who lied to them and let them down.
My situation is crazy. I know that. I think I am holding up damn well. Hubbin's home health nurse almost made me cry. Hubbins sore has gotten worse. I didn't know if it was because I couldn't change his sore for a few days (really bad flare up and I couldn't lift him). She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her all of it because she used to do treatment foster care for RAD kids and schizo kids. She said she had to get out, she just couldn't do it anymore. She thought we only had three kids. I told her there were 5. That's when she said she wanted to cry and tears came to her eyes. She didn't know how I was doing when she thought we had 3 and she couldn't imagine 5. I wanted to cry because I could only imagine how the kids she cared for must've hurt her for her to feel like crying. She gets it and she knows. She knows both sides; mine and the kids pain. She's the only person I know IRL who knows what it's like here. She's the only one I'll tell about my pain from the RA and the reason why I was so bad then too was because I had a wisdom tooth trying to come out and it was shifting my entire jaw. I can still feel that my jaw isn't right but at least the tooth has changed it's mind about coming out for now.
This is only part of it...now on to the really crazy beautiful stuff which will further explain my true anger with the therapist if I find out what CDQ said to me is true.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Don't call them Radishes!
I came across this article while looking for more information...what do you guys think?
Link to full article is here.
I've never been comfortable with the term and have used it only twice because I didn't want to give my children's names specifically and never in front of my children, just because I wasn't sure how to explain it. But I'm not sure I buy into the explanation this author gives... after all when I am talking about RAD, I am talking about my child's RAD behaviors, not my child. My children are totally different when they are regulated and not having RAD behaviors. Personally, I use regulated and dysregulated around them and just found out I should be teaching them those terms. Instead, I've chosen to use stressed out for dysregulated so they can maybe start to identify with words when they are feeling out of sorts.
BTW, the title of this post isn't my point of view or opinion, I just took it from the section of the article I pasted.
A Final Word: Don't Call Them Radishes!
Therapist Gregory Keck, who works with many children with RAD and who wrote the book Helping the Hurt Child, makes an interesting statement about the acronym "R-A-D". He points out that many parents of children with RAD and organizations for children with RAD refer to the children as "Rad Kids" or even "Radishes". Keck wonders what would happen if, at a conference for parents of children with cancer, a mother stood up and said, "I'm a Cancer mom with three Cancer kids! These Cancer kids are really hard to live with! Cancer kids sometimes even cause their parents to get divorced!" Obviously, such words would not be appropriate. But in the case of RAD, this language is often accepted. Keck says that calling a child a "Rad Kid" or "Radish" degrades the child, putting more emphasis on the child and less on the disorder. It refers to the child as if he was the disorder, and as if the disorder was as permanent as hair color or ethnic background.
Keck suggests that we always use the words "Reactive Attachment Disorder" or say the acronym "RAD", instead of saying "Rad", "Rad kid" or "Radish". This puts our focus back on what RAD really is. It is Reactive because the child is reacting to trauma. Attachment is what the child is unable to do as a result. And Disorder suggests that it is something that can be treated. As a person who has worked with children with special needs for years, I think this idea goes along well with the "people first" language. Children with RAD are, after all, children first.
Link to full article is here.
I've never been comfortable with the term and have used it only twice because I didn't want to give my children's names specifically and never in front of my children, just because I wasn't sure how to explain it. But I'm not sure I buy into the explanation this author gives... after all when I am talking about RAD, I am talking about my child's RAD behaviors, not my child. My children are totally different when they are regulated and not having RAD behaviors. Personally, I use regulated and dysregulated around them and just found out I should be teaching them those terms. Instead, I've chosen to use stressed out for dysregulated so they can maybe start to identify with words when they are feeling out of sorts.
BTW, the title of this post isn't my point of view or opinion, I just took it from the section of the article I pasted.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
So disappointed...
Started my Beyond Consequences classes tonight. Loved the video part by Heather Forbes (Man have I been reinventing the wheel!)
But I am disappointed and sad because I was led to believe there were going to be other RAD parents there. There weren't. Single mothers having trouble with their kids walking all over them, bipolar parents, ADHD parents. I was the only adoptive parent in the group, had the most kids and the kids with the most problems to boot. *sigh*
I wish I would have known. I would have just done the course online instead of driving all the way. It's bad enough I don't feel comfortable being that far away in case something happens here at home (over an hour away).
The other thing, I'm not really happy with the therapist. May be my expectations are too high. Case in point, we get the meeting started by the therapist talking about different situations that we are all in. She was basically saying some parents are new to all this and then there are people like me (used my name to be precise) who she's been working with... um...no. You see I was given a printed list of websites to peruse, three prescriptions to practice with CDQ and I purchased the book. I had one meeting with her, she met with CDQ and then I got 10 minutes at the last session at the end. Working with me? How?
Oh, does she mean when she suggested rubbing the place near the collar bones and I said tapping? or when she said sitting quieting and I said strong sitting? or was it when she said for me to touch CDQ to clear the negative energy and I said Reiki? Because if I were going to say that I was working together with anyone in the form she is claiming, I'd have to say I must've been working with Lisa because I learned about those things from her blog. Ya know?
I could totally relate to Heather Forbes, totally. But I can't help but feel like this is a money thing for our therapist. I shouldn't complain because the kids insurance is paying for it. But I feel like sitting around feeling sorry for the other parents is a waste of time for me. Not because I am better, but because I feel like I need to progress faster than this class.
See, when she asked for what would be something traumatic for a child, all the parents were quick to offer parents arguing, bullying, medical trauma, looking different, etc... My list was something like- death, murder, suicide, domestic violence- sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc...
When she asked about behaviors people were dealing with- tantrums was the consensus....mine, rages (although thankfully not like they used to be), hoarding, stealing, lying, eating from the trash, manipulation, destruction, etc... You can imagine how people looked at me then. Not that it matters...but you know?
I was really upset when I tried to speak to the therapist after class. See last week after therapy, you could say CDQ and I bonded a little bit when we went to the market afterwards. The situation that caused us to bond was an older gentlemen grabbing CDQs shoulders while saying excuse me and then rubbing her shoulder blade. YES! All that happened right before my eyes, she tensed up, I tensed up. I don't believe the man meant any harm...but holy hell, you just don't do that. If someone did that to me, I would freak out...so that is how we bonded some.
Then today, while she was at the eye doctor, she was very dysregulated. The lady who does the prep work for the eye doctor was very understanding. She saw CDQ flinch when she raised the flashlight to her eyes. I explained to her quickly that CDQ was hypervigilant and therefore in a fight or flight response because of previous abuse. She apologized to her and told her she didn't even think of how that must've looked flying towards her face. Then the doctor came in. He lectured me (again) about the kids and their glasses. He is very ignorant, in fact on Monday he actually said some children should have their butts beaten. I told him that they were victims of abuse and I hardly thought more abuse was going to solve anything and he actually said "still". I know, not going back to him after these rounds of visits.
The lady who does the fitting for the glasses is the best, but it just so happened today she decided to tease CDQ of all people about how the binoculars hurt. You know those eye measurement thingys. I know she meant no harm, but yeesh! I explained to her that CDQ was actually the easiest to scare of the bunch and she apologized.
So with that said, I was asking the therapist if there was a way that I could help calm CDQ after these things happened. Sure, I told her she was ok and safe, etc... but was there something specific...well she went on and on about how if the doctor hit his wife it wouldn't be ok but it's ok to hit children... I redirected her and by this time, she was picking up papers. She wanted to add a session this week. I had already told her this week I had eye dr appointments all week and they had been made three months ago. But I was frustrated because I don't see how making an extra session is giving me any tools to help CDQ when she needs it. If there aren't any tools, she should have just said so. But I felt like it was more of a you need to see me when I am on the clock situation. I don't know I could have read it wrong...
I left a tad dysregulated myself. I feel like she doesn't hear me. She dismisses me often before I have finished speaking and when if ever is it going to matter about what is reality and what isn't? I understand Heather Forbes says to just listen to your children and not try to fix them or solve their problems....but what about the situation where CDQ believed one of her teachers died and was mourning this loss and the teacher was alive and well.
I waited until CDQ was regulated to bring it up with her privately, but whatever death she thought had befallen this teacher (one of which she despised but had forgotten that, I mean really, I had to go to the school and request the teacher not be in the same room) was troubling her for the longest and after I told her I saw the teacher at the store and she's fine, she realized it was a dream and seemed relieved. If I hadn't seen the notes by the therapist by chance, I wouldn't have even known about that at all. She would still be worrying about it. Is that right?
I'm hoping the EMDR will be a huge help for CDQ and that the rest of the Heather Forbes cds are helpful, but I feel anything else just isn't in the cards.
Bummer.
Things that stuck with me from the video:
- Just listen to your kids, don't offer solutions.
- You don't have to fix your children.
- Meet them in the place they are at now and guide them from there.
- Controlling kids adds more fear.
- Three things used to help regulate:
Food, exercise, and breathing
PS... after typing that, I wondered if maybe the solution to helping CDQ calm down after incidents is to just have her breathe. I had her do that at the eye doctor today because she was holding her breath. Hmmmm....
But I am disappointed and sad because I was led to believe there were going to be other RAD parents there. There weren't. Single mothers having trouble with their kids walking all over them, bipolar parents, ADHD parents. I was the only adoptive parent in the group, had the most kids and the kids with the most problems to boot. *sigh*
I wish I would have known. I would have just done the course online instead of driving all the way. It's bad enough I don't feel comfortable being that far away in case something happens here at home (over an hour away).
The other thing, I'm not really happy with the therapist. May be my expectations are too high. Case in point, we get the meeting started by the therapist talking about different situations that we are all in. She was basically saying some parents are new to all this and then there are people like me (used my name to be precise) who she's been working with... um...no. You see I was given a printed list of websites to peruse, three prescriptions to practice with CDQ and I purchased the book. I had one meeting with her, she met with CDQ and then I got 10 minutes at the last session at the end. Working with me? How?
Oh, does she mean when she suggested rubbing the place near the collar bones and I said tapping? or when she said sitting quieting and I said strong sitting? or was it when she said for me to touch CDQ to clear the negative energy and I said Reiki? Because if I were going to say that I was working together with anyone in the form she is claiming, I'd have to say I must've been working with Lisa because I learned about those things from her blog. Ya know?
I could totally relate to Heather Forbes, totally. But I can't help but feel like this is a money thing for our therapist. I shouldn't complain because the kids insurance is paying for it. But I feel like sitting around feeling sorry for the other parents is a waste of time for me. Not because I am better, but because I feel like I need to progress faster than this class.
See, when she asked for what would be something traumatic for a child, all the parents were quick to offer parents arguing, bullying, medical trauma, looking different, etc... My list was something like- death, murder, suicide, domestic violence- sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc...
When she asked about behaviors people were dealing with- tantrums was the consensus....mine, rages (although thankfully not like they used to be), hoarding, stealing, lying, eating from the trash, manipulation, destruction, etc... You can imagine how people looked at me then. Not that it matters...but you know?
I was really upset when I tried to speak to the therapist after class. See last week after therapy, you could say CDQ and I bonded a little bit when we went to the market afterwards. The situation that caused us to bond was an older gentlemen grabbing CDQs shoulders while saying excuse me and then rubbing her shoulder blade. YES! All that happened right before my eyes, she tensed up, I tensed up. I don't believe the man meant any harm...but holy hell, you just don't do that. If someone did that to me, I would freak out...so that is how we bonded some.
Then today, while she was at the eye doctor, she was very dysregulated. The lady who does the prep work for the eye doctor was very understanding. She saw CDQ flinch when she raised the flashlight to her eyes. I explained to her quickly that CDQ was hypervigilant and therefore in a fight or flight response because of previous abuse. She apologized to her and told her she didn't even think of how that must've looked flying towards her face. Then the doctor came in. He lectured me (again) about the kids and their glasses. He is very ignorant, in fact on Monday he actually said some children should have their butts beaten. I told him that they were victims of abuse and I hardly thought more abuse was going to solve anything and he actually said "still". I know, not going back to him after these rounds of visits.
The lady who does the fitting for the glasses is the best, but it just so happened today she decided to tease CDQ of all people about how the binoculars hurt. You know those eye measurement thingys. I know she meant no harm, but yeesh! I explained to her that CDQ was actually the easiest to scare of the bunch and she apologized.
So with that said, I was asking the therapist if there was a way that I could help calm CDQ after these things happened. Sure, I told her she was ok and safe, etc... but was there something specific...well she went on and on about how if the doctor hit his wife it wouldn't be ok but it's ok to hit children... I redirected her and by this time, she was picking up papers. She wanted to add a session this week. I had already told her this week I had eye dr appointments all week and they had been made three months ago. But I was frustrated because I don't see how making an extra session is giving me any tools to help CDQ when she needs it. If there aren't any tools, she should have just said so. But I felt like it was more of a you need to see me when I am on the clock situation. I don't know I could have read it wrong...
I left a tad dysregulated myself. I feel like she doesn't hear me. She dismisses me often before I have finished speaking and when if ever is it going to matter about what is reality and what isn't? I understand Heather Forbes says to just listen to your children and not try to fix them or solve their problems....but what about the situation where CDQ believed one of her teachers died and was mourning this loss and the teacher was alive and well.
I waited until CDQ was regulated to bring it up with her privately, but whatever death she thought had befallen this teacher (one of which she despised but had forgotten that, I mean really, I had to go to the school and request the teacher not be in the same room) was troubling her for the longest and after I told her I saw the teacher at the store and she's fine, she realized it was a dream and seemed relieved. If I hadn't seen the notes by the therapist by chance, I wouldn't have even known about that at all. She would still be worrying about it. Is that right?
I'm hoping the EMDR will be a huge help for CDQ and that the rest of the Heather Forbes cds are helpful, but I feel anything else just isn't in the cards.
Bummer.
Things that stuck with me from the video:
- Just listen to your kids, don't offer solutions.
- You don't have to fix your children.
- Meet them in the place they are at now and guide them from there.
- Controlling kids adds more fear.
- Three things used to help regulate:
Food, exercise, and breathing
PS... after typing that, I wondered if maybe the solution to helping CDQ calm down after incidents is to just have her breathe. I had her do that at the eye doctor today because she was holding her breath. Hmmmm....
Judgement
This probably isn't the right time to go into this because I am fuming, but what better time is there?
First, we all have enough judgement being thrown at us from our own children and I've learned that women and mothers in particular can be so frickin' judgmental over how others raise their children.
I stumbled across a blog post regarding a parent searching to help find her child a new home. Yes, disruption. There was mention that there was nothing "wrong" with the child, the age of the child and the length the child had been in the home.
The writer spoke about how the whole thing disgusted her. How the parents disgusted her.
I then read the comments... and then *I* felt disgusted and sick to my stomach.
I'm failing to see how disruption is a bad thing, or how it has to do with unconditional love, or being a REAL parent.
When push comes to shove, who in adoption is a real parent? I know this will piss some people off. Yes, we are in the trenches and doing all the dirty work, but at the end of the day, we are still parent like, but not the real (read bio) thing. I've heard children/adults even speak of steps and adoptive parents that mean the world to them and are the only parents they know as being the father figure/mother figure.
Even, I, myself having an ex-stepfather, viewed him as the closest thing to a father I had but still not my father. This-- with my bio father being a total waste of space. Not because I had any special ideas about my bio father, I didn't even know him. I was raised by my grandparents for several years and I told to call them mom and dad, but they aren't. My mom is still my mom, no matter what she's done. It's just the way it is. Maybe in some cases, children never have those thoughts and if that's so... more power to them.
Furthermore, in the very definition these people use to justify the REAL parent term, they typically say-- would a bio parent be able to return their child? They are making a comparison that just can't be made.
I'm SOOOO tired of hearing how the parents/mother should stick it out with the child. What happened to mother's intuition? What happened to doing what's best for the child?
From my point of view, having had to deal with thoughts of disruption, I've always felt it would be selfish of me to keep a child here against his or her will just to prove I could do it or what kind of mother I was.
To me IT IS having unconditional love to consider letting go of your child. When I think about CDQ (or any of my other kids) I wonder if there is something better for them out there than me. We applaud women who know the difference and let go of their children for adoption because it is the best thing for the child, why can't people see, in some instances, it is the best thing for even an adoptive mother to let go of her child?
Why do some people think if a mother is considering letting go of her child, she's awful and heartless? Why can't you realize the same thoughts that would go through your mind when you would think of giving up a child is also going through hers? Why can't you understand that maybe she is already beating herself up for being such a failure for her child? How is that heartless?
We should support these women who, I believe, are also sacrificing their own hearts to do what's best for their children.
Furthermore, if some parents are truly the monsters others who judge those who are thinking of disruption truly are, then you should applaud that the child is getting a second chance. Isn't that logical?
I think we need to change our view on disruption, how many of you out there have read how devastating it is for all parties? How many of you have read about how well some children are doing in homes that finally fit for them?
When I see children who have finally found "home" and how they turn around and how happy they really are, it hurts me to think of all that time that was wasted trying to make something work that wasn't meant to be.
When I think about my own children and disruption, I'm torn. My first thoughts of disruption were because I didn't have the right tools or knowledge. The only support I have are you guys on the net. I have no one in real life. But through you guys I was able to find the tools. I still lack the confidence and definitely don't know it all but who does?
The second time I've thought of disruption was with CDQ. I had other children to think about protecting. I also wondered if she wouldn't do well as an only child. But you know what? I spent more time with her and I know it's not what she wants, I know it's her way of running from being uncomfortable. I was able to see it was her way of asking me for help. If I had been given the indication that she truly wanted what she was saying and would thrive, I would have been wrong to try and keep her here. I would have been selfish. I don't want to lose any of my kids. They may be huge pains in my @$$ but they are mine. :-)
We need to support each other and not judge. We will never know the big picture. I am not picking on the writer or the commenters from the other blog. I had never been to her blog before and I don't know any of the people or what she is like. I'm not trying to be judgmental either, just offering another viewpoint. I'm asking that we try to support each other and build each other up and not tear each other down. It's hard enough asking for help when you don't even have the words to ask for help because you don't know what exactly you need help with. I'm sure we've all been through that.
I am ever so grateful for the first commenter who stepped forward and posted the words reactive attachment disorder on my blog, because I had no idea or clue. If it weren't for her, I would never have found such a wonderful network of women who are willing to put it out there and share what they have learned to help our children. After she gave me the words, I was able to search for myself. I am proud to say that I've turned almost all my children around by myself using the tools that you guys have shared and given me. Without that, I might have lost my kids because I didn't know there was another way and it has taken a lot for me to step outside of my box to get CDQ the outside help she needs that I just can't give her, but I am able to do that because I now know there is a difference and another way and that I can put it out there on here and ask for help or advice because I AM NOT ALONE.
I stumbled across a post on a blog I kept before this one and I was so embarrassed and sad to read what I had written about the kids. I was scared, angry, frustrated (not much has changed. lol) but it was really bad because I didn't understand and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'd hate to think I was judged on that post alone, I was so lost and so were my kids.
On a different note, I start my Beyond Consequences class tonight. I'm hopeful and nervous about the whole thing but I will share anything I think might be useful. It is still unbelievable to me that I am actually going to meet other parents in my same state and area where I live who are struggling with RAD issues. It's surreal.
First, we all have enough judgement being thrown at us from our own children and I've learned that women and mothers in particular can be so frickin' judgmental over how others raise their children.
I stumbled across a blog post regarding a parent searching to help find her child a new home. Yes, disruption. There was mention that there was nothing "wrong" with the child, the age of the child and the length the child had been in the home.
The writer spoke about how the whole thing disgusted her. How the parents disgusted her.
I then read the comments... and then *I* felt disgusted and sick to my stomach.
I'm failing to see how disruption is a bad thing, or how it has to do with unconditional love, or being a REAL parent.
When push comes to shove, who in adoption is a real parent? I know this will piss some people off. Yes, we are in the trenches and doing all the dirty work, but at the end of the day, we are still parent like, but not the real (read bio) thing. I've heard children/adults even speak of steps and adoptive parents that mean the world to them and are the only parents they know as being the father figure/mother figure.
Even, I, myself having an ex-stepfather, viewed him as the closest thing to a father I had but still not my father. This-- with my bio father being a total waste of space. Not because I had any special ideas about my bio father, I didn't even know him. I was raised by my grandparents for several years and I told to call them mom and dad, but they aren't. My mom is still my mom, no matter what she's done. It's just the way it is. Maybe in some cases, children never have those thoughts and if that's so... more power to them.
Furthermore, in the very definition these people use to justify the REAL parent term, they typically say-- would a bio parent be able to return their child? They are making a comparison that just can't be made.
I'm SOOOO tired of hearing how the parents/mother should stick it out with the child. What happened to mother's intuition? What happened to doing what's best for the child?
From my point of view, having had to deal with thoughts of disruption, I've always felt it would be selfish of me to keep a child here against his or her will just to prove I could do it or what kind of mother I was.
To me IT IS having unconditional love to consider letting go of your child. When I think about CDQ (or any of my other kids) I wonder if there is something better for them out there than me. We applaud women who know the difference and let go of their children for adoption because it is the best thing for the child, why can't people see, in some instances, it is the best thing for even an adoptive mother to let go of her child?
Why do some people think if a mother is considering letting go of her child, she's awful and heartless? Why can't you realize the same thoughts that would go through your mind when you would think of giving up a child is also going through hers? Why can't you understand that maybe she is already beating herself up for being such a failure for her child? How is that heartless?
We should support these women who, I believe, are also sacrificing their own hearts to do what's best for their children.
Furthermore, if some parents are truly the monsters others who judge those who are thinking of disruption truly are, then you should applaud that the child is getting a second chance. Isn't that logical?
I think we need to change our view on disruption, how many of you out there have read how devastating it is for all parties? How many of you have read about how well some children are doing in homes that finally fit for them?
When I see children who have finally found "home" and how they turn around and how happy they really are, it hurts me to think of all that time that was wasted trying to make something work that wasn't meant to be.
When I think about my own children and disruption, I'm torn. My first thoughts of disruption were because I didn't have the right tools or knowledge. The only support I have are you guys on the net. I have no one in real life. But through you guys I was able to find the tools. I still lack the confidence and definitely don't know it all but who does?
The second time I've thought of disruption was with CDQ. I had other children to think about protecting. I also wondered if she wouldn't do well as an only child. But you know what? I spent more time with her and I know it's not what she wants, I know it's her way of running from being uncomfortable. I was able to see it was her way of asking me for help. If I had been given the indication that she truly wanted what she was saying and would thrive, I would have been wrong to try and keep her here. I would have been selfish. I don't want to lose any of my kids. They may be huge pains in my @$$ but they are mine. :-)
We need to support each other and not judge. We will never know the big picture. I am not picking on the writer or the commenters from the other blog. I had never been to her blog before and I don't know any of the people or what she is like. I'm not trying to be judgmental either, just offering another viewpoint. I'm asking that we try to support each other and build each other up and not tear each other down. It's hard enough asking for help when you don't even have the words to ask for help because you don't know what exactly you need help with. I'm sure we've all been through that.
I am ever so grateful for the first commenter who stepped forward and posted the words reactive attachment disorder on my blog, because I had no idea or clue. If it weren't for her, I would never have found such a wonderful network of women who are willing to put it out there and share what they have learned to help our children. After she gave me the words, I was able to search for myself. I am proud to say that I've turned almost all my children around by myself using the tools that you guys have shared and given me. Without that, I might have lost my kids because I didn't know there was another way and it has taken a lot for me to step outside of my box to get CDQ the outside help she needs that I just can't give her, but I am able to do that because I now know there is a difference and another way and that I can put it out there on here and ask for help or advice because I AM NOT ALONE.
I stumbled across a post on a blog I kept before this one and I was so embarrassed and sad to read what I had written about the kids. I was scared, angry, frustrated (not much has changed. lol) but it was really bad because I didn't understand and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'd hate to think I was judged on that post alone, I was so lost and so were my kids.
On a different note, I start my Beyond Consequences class tonight. I'm hopeful and nervous about the whole thing but I will share anything I think might be useful. It is still unbelievable to me that I am actually going to meet other parents in my same state and area where I live who are struggling with RAD issues. It's surreal.
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