So then...

You'll want to read this post first for this stuff to make some sense...

So, CDQ had a therapy session, and then we ran errands and then I had the last of 6 eye doctor appointments spanning the whole week (Everyone wears glasses but me). This time it was everyone going to the appointment because Hubbins was getting his eyes checked too.  I had decided we were going to have dinner out because, unless you count ambulance rides to the hospital, Hubbins hadn't been out of the house since I think, hell, it had been months. I think the time before that was a rehab doctor appointment before Thanksgiving. Can't really remember.

I was getting really worried it was becoming too much for CDQ.  She seemed to be on the edge but I didn't know exactly what to do, the rest of the entire family were so happy and excited to be out and I was on pins and needles with CDQ. I had her sit next to me and I kept reminding her to breath and telling her she was ok.  It wasn't working. I wish I would have read sooner on someone else's blog that they walk their children around outside of the restaurant when they see it's too much.

Also, bear with me. I can't remember who's blog and I'm almost positive someone else might have mentioned it but I have to tell you, I am so overworked right now that I truly can't remember things that I have said myself even if I may have just said them. It's kind of scaring me. It makes me feel a little like what the Octomom sounded like on this clip I saw of her on youtube when she was on The View, No I don't laugh like that, but I do get sidetracked easily, anyhow I digress. (ut oh, did I just do what I said I do?)

Anyhow, this is going somewhere...we made it all in one piece home. That was Friday, Saturday morning was going to be a free day at the landfill to bring in stuff that they don't pick up. I had several ripped to shreds mattresses and broken dressers/drawers, broken toys, etc... that I wanted to get rid of so I had CDQ come inside and the others start gathering these things by the van for me to load.

I heard CDQ yelling something from her room through the intercom. I thought she said they were messing with her outside her window so I went outside. No one was near her window. We live on a half acre, they were at the far end of the property as far away from the house you can be. Literally.

So, I came back in and went to her room. *deep breath*

I told her that they aren't near her bedroom. She said that's not what she was yelling, she was yelling because Poufy had picked up a stick while she was walking out to the end of the property, threw it for the dog and the dog chased it and brought it back and she threw it again.

If you are saying "Uh, yeah?" so was I.

I asked her what was wrong with that? She said that I had said they could play outside when we got home. I told her that I said if there was time, but we had stopped at Krispy Kreme next door to the restaurant so they could get hot donuts and we lost time.  I told her they were outside moving stuff to the van (and quite honestly they probably were screwing around out there as they did it.) and that I had her come inside because I could tell she had a really stressful day.

She started telling me how she was lonely and she wanted to play with them. I said "really?" Not sarcastic or anything.  I told her I thought she wanted to be alone and not be with them.  I told her she said she wanted to have a new family.  I want to be really clear that I was not saying this loud or mean. I made sure I kept my voice low because I didn't want her to accuse me of anything and I really did want to know if it was a change of heart. Then she started screaming that everything was their (the other kids) fault.  They made her mad, she just wants to smack them, etc...

I probably should've kept my yap shut and just let her vent. But you know hindsight and all that.  My big mouth started saying...Noooo, they have nothing to do with it...so then she promptly turned her anger on me.

Yay, go me! (but wait, I get even more dense!)

All of a sudden, I don't make her feel safe here, I've hit her thousands of times and I spank all the other kids and make them listen to the others screaming and crying while I do it. She wants a phone now because she's going to call the police on me...blah, blah, blah (<--- that's not there to make fun of what she's saying, I was so stunned I don't remember)...

then the clincher.... you're just like M and J (bio parents).

Then I said "Oh, really?" (yeah, rolling my own eyes now. God I can't believe I did that, I mean--I can't and then I can...one word...DUH! Why haven't I learned?)  So then I called the other kids in and told  her to go ahead and ask them or tell them or whatever she wanted to do. So she started saying that they get spanked all the time and how I've hit her a thousand times and of course the other kids are bewildered and start telling her it's not true to which CDQ gets even madder... and then I realize how F'in stupid I am and how *I* personally disrupted everyone out of my own damn fear over CDQs lies.  So I ushered everyone out and shut the door behind us.

Anyone ever seen Bridget Jones' Diary? Remember when it said "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucck......" on the screen.  That was my moment.

So I tried to think of something quickly. There I go with the mini tramp dragging it in there and telling her I think we should try it out.  She's a puddle. I'm a s$%^.  I help her on to the mini tramp and she's just blabbering and all I see is my kid hurting, I can't even hear her words.  I had already screwed up so badly I figured so what if she pushes me away or accuses me of touching her. I pulled her to me while she was still standing on the tramp and just hugged her as tight as I could. She actually melted into me.  I carried her off the tramp despite my screaming arms and I just told her how I felt about her. I told her that I didn't know all that had happened to her but that I knew that none of us in this house had purposefully hurt her and that I was sorry people had hurt her. I told her that I could see she was hurting, how I loved her and I didn't want to see her hurting and how she had no idea just how much I love her and we all love her. How she is my daughter to me, even if she doesn't want to be. I had to put her down because I would've dropped her my muscles were screaming so loud. So we sat down. We practiced breathing. Yep, BOTH of us.

I was cradling her like a baby in my arms.  She told me she wanted to tell me something inappropriate she said to the therapist. Here I'm thinking it's going to be cuss words. She tells me she wants to die. She wants to start asking people if they will kill her and she told the therapist this.

This is what is making me angry. I will ask the therapist first...but I believe my child did tell her this and she talked to me first about the Jonas Bros? WTF?  Then about cussing? When was she going to tell me my kid was suicidal? At the funeral?  I told her I wasn't upset and I didn't think it was inappropriate, I thought it was sad and we would all miss her.  She started telling me how she was just tired of hurting and it had been too long already and she just wanted it to stop.  I know how she feels. This whole experience thus far has made me feel this way too.

I told her that all this was temporary and that death was permanent and I asked her why she would let all those people who hurt her win and have that power over her. I told her the best thing she can do is show them that they didn't break her and that she's going to be just fine. I told her that her grandfather had hurt me too and that the last thing I would ever do is give him my life. I would never give him that power.

I told her that there was nothing she did that could have given anyone the idea that it was ok to touch her or do anything to her. I told her that if they told her she was ugly or dumb or anything like that to make her feel like she was nothing she should never believe them because they say those things to make you feel bad about yourself.  She said they said things like that and that they also said they were sorry. I said, "Oh, you got those kind. The kind that say they didn't mean it, they're sorry and they promise they will never do it again." She broke what was left of my heart. She said they never said they wouldn't do it again. I held her until she got up.

I decided she should go on the mini tramp anyway.  So she did, after she got off, she told me there was something else she wanted to tell me. She walked near her desk and lifted a sweater from the floor under it was scissors. She told me she was keeping them to attack anyone who came to get her but I don't think that was true. I think she could've hurt herself badly. I took them from her.

I came and sat in my room and I just thought about the whole day.  Just all of it.  Then something clicked.  When we were sitting in the parking lot that morning waiting for our appointment, I asked CDQ if she felt safe in the van, she said yes, I asked if she felt safe in the parking lot, sometimes, in the waiting room, no. Then I changed tracks, I asked her about our house, she said no. I asked her if it just started recently or when she first came here, she said when she first came here. Then,  I asked her if it was the house or the people in it. She said the people specifically her siblings. So I asked her if before when they lived with their bios if she felt this way and she said her whole life basically. When I asked her why, she said because it was always noisy and when you were scared because you thought someone was outside your window and you told them to shut up they wouldn't.

So that was said, then she had told me when we were sitting on the bed, that sometimes they just needed to cry and I need to let them ( I knew this was therapist talk because it sounded just like the cussing explanation the therapist tried to give me). I told her that I wasn't keeping her from crying, just from doing hurtful things to herself or others.

Then I thought about the comparing me to the bios.

It hit me like a ton of bricks....she's remembering her bios spanking them and being mean because they were crying and they wanted them to shut up. She's terrified because her little sister was murdered by her Dad just because she wouldn't stop crying. She thinks the same thing is going to happen here.

Doesn't it all seem so logical once we ( read: I) have a clue?