So much to post...

My hand hurts so bad but I'm going to try to get it all out. I had thought briefly about video blogging because there is so much to say but then CDQ has become a 24/7 fixture next to me and there's no way I could vlog like that.  

She's still next to me right now, lying down on the floor staring at a digital picture frame I have that flips through pictures randomly.

Ok, starting with last week's session for CDQ. I am trying not to be angry the best I can because I can't really say whether it true or not but I'm inclined to believe my kid right now. I'm still going to wait to speak to the therapist first though before I officially let myself be angry about it. After CDQ's session I had my 10 minutes with the therapist.  She said she had a few things to discuss with me. I thought there was some serious stuff but she starts off asking me if CDQ is allowed to listen to music whenever she wants. The answer is no, and the answer is no to what ever music she wants to listen to also.

This is since the day she lost her S%^& in Target. She saw a pj top with the j*onas B*ros (JB) on it and she flipped. She screeched, punched herself in the chest and head and pulled her hair and then slapped herself repeatedly while still screeching and screaming. It was as bad as it sounds and then some. I froze. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't even sure what the hell started it. We were looking through clothes and then that.  I realized when she finally screeched JB.

So, yeah, no more music. Well, not completely.  I've made some cds for them and I had downloaded songs for them to listen to on my computer so I could monitor that. They have a bedtime cd that has peaceful songs from some of their favorite movies, etc... Plus, we do family Wii nights, usually on holidays where they play Rock Band, Sing It!, and Dance, Dance, Revolution. So, there is music, just monitored.

Anyhow, she kept going on after I had already said what my rules were. Then she said "how about one JB song?"  That's where I lost some of my patience. I told her directly no and then she asked me why and I told her why.  CDQ had a LUMP on her head after that incident. Plus, she's already over-sexualized, I don't need to let Disney in my door that way so they can do more damage.

This has upset me. I'm not inflexible or overly controlling, but also I am the parent.  I understand Heather Forbes way is that every behavior comes from a place of love or fear. But I don't go so far as to believe that all children's manipulations are all fear based. This therapist does. "Normal" children use manipulation to get what they want, so do mine...fear or not. I still have not finished my Beyond Consequences stuff but I'm not sure if Heather Forbes takes it as far as this therapist does.  

Plus, she still hasn't gotten the full background on CDQ from me. She ran out of time and I guess that's all she wrote.

Anyhow, then she starts talking to me about how kids cuss. She said I shouldn't have a rule that kids can't cuss. She told me about her daughter in the 8th grade who cusses and how it doesn't bother her. I told her I was lucky I didn't have that problem and that CDQ and none of my other kids cuss. I've never had to say it, it was just understood that they shouldn't. I told her I am the cusser and that I have told my kids to never start and how I wish I hadn't and how bad it makes me feel and how dumb it makes me sound, etc... She still went on about it and I failed to see the point.

After session, I took CDQ with me to run some errands on the way home. A convo started like this.

CDQ: "The therapist said that if I wanted to listen to music, all I have to do is ask you."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we talked about that and the therapist was confused. She knows our rules now and she understands. But you can still ask. "
CDQ: "Can I listen to music sometime?"
Me: " It depends on whether I think you can handle it or not."
CDQ: "ok"

Um...triangulation much?  "The therapist said"...grrr
I am THE parent. *sigh*  I believe the therapist did "say" that to her. Maybe not with that intent but still.

Then you'll love this...later that night...I have a cussing child. (I tell you I so want to type sonofabeep right here!)

I don't care if it doesn't bother the therapist if her teen daughter cusses but my kid is 10 and she wasn't cussing before.  I told CDQ that I didn't know what the therapist said to her but that our rule was she didn't cuss (hey, I have a rule now!) and I'd like it to stay that way (Also, c'mon...it's still Heather Forbes-ish...right?). I gave her alternative words to say.

And lest I sound too hypocritical, I've also made a point of correcting my language in front of the kids. The words might slip but I change them to alternative words. So I am trying. I'm giving up my only outlet. I can still semi cuss on here without offending anyone, right? lol

I'm really struggling with the whole parenting thing.  Really.  I have no confidence when it comes to this and I wish I knew my rights. I am still so terrified that they can take my kids from me.  I'm terrified for my kids because I've made them so many promises about their safety here.  Maybe that's why I am so scared because even though we've adopted them I still feel like I have no rights. I don't want to be another person who lied to them and let them down.

My situation is crazy. I know that. I think I am holding up damn well. Hubbin's home health nurse almost made me cry. Hubbins sore has gotten worse. I didn't know if it was because I couldn't change his sore for a few days (really bad flare up and I couldn't lift him). She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her all of it because she used to do treatment foster care for RAD kids and schizo kids. She said she had to get out, she just couldn't do it anymore.  She thought we only had three kids. I told her there were 5. That's when she said she wanted to cry and tears came to her eyes. She didn't know how I was doing when she thought we had 3 and she couldn't imagine 5. I wanted to cry because I could only imagine how the kids she cared for must've hurt her for her to feel like crying. She gets it and she knows.  She knows both sides; mine and the kids pain.  She's the only person I know IRL who knows what it's like here. She's the only one I'll tell about my pain from the RA and the reason why I was so bad then too was because I had a wisdom tooth trying to come out and it was shifting my entire jaw. I can still feel that my jaw isn't right but at least the tooth has changed it's mind about coming out for now.

This is only part of it...now on to the really crazy beautiful stuff which will further explain my true anger with the therapist if I find out what CDQ said to me is true.