The Good... we are all still alive and we are heading towards the end of birthday month in these parts. (Yep, BIRTHDAY MONTH- one in mid-January and then three weeks in a row ending this Friday. God help me...)
I found some OTC pills that were helping my RA tremendously. Well, helping my joints which, in turn, helped with my pain... not 100% pain free but less pain none the less.
Which leads me to...
THE BAD.... apparently my jaw decided it was time to join the RA party and now I can barely swallow anything...last night's dinner...nope. Those new joint pills...nope. Ibuprofen... uh,uh. $#%^!!!!!!
Could it be stress? Maybe, considering a few months ago my pay was reduced due to budget cuts and then last month my hours were reduced by 11 hours a week starting March 1st. Hmmm..come to think of it, this jaw pain really got bad yesterday.....
THE UGLY... as a consequence to BIRTHDAY MONTH (maybe caps will make it exciting, naw...still sucked). I've had RAD and Borderline Personality ALL OVER THE PLACE. The kind that makes me wonder "How in the F, I got here? Why in the F, did I ever agree to this? What in the F is exactly causing all this?, When in the F will it ever really end? and Who in the F did I think I was, since I thought I could do this at all?" (Can you tell I was a writer for the school paper and yearbook?, Surely if not by my jacked up writing which in my defense it's been 16 years, it's by my investigative questions into my own situation....again..naw? ok)
*sigh* on a positive note... I seem to be ahead of the ball this year, we are only in the third month and I am averaging a child per month (well this month is still young) who "HATES ME". However, I think that streak will end because LORD FORBID if *I* believe one of them ....get ready for this.... LOVES ME--- GASP!
Last week as CDQ was biting herself and screaming at me that she loves it (biting herself) and that it feels good and that she was born evil and will always be evil and that..that...that well, to quote her... "I HATE YOU!" I decided to share with her the following:
"You were not born evil, you are not like this, I already got to see the real CDQ and she is NOTHING like this. I don't know why you want to be like this, but it is not who you are. Furthermore, you hate me? Did you know that you must love someone first in order to hate them?" and I shut the door and left the room to total silence from CDQ for the rest of the day. Not a peep.
It's true. At least back in the day, when I was searching for the perfect word for the way I felt about my bio father... I looked up the word hate and that's what it said.... in order to hate someone, to have that intense of a feeling you must love them with an intensity as well. The definition has changed since I looked it up in elementary school. It focuses more on the slang and usage now than the actual meaning of the word.
So that's why I figured they won't be throwing that "hate" word around here so easily. lol
So much more to tell you guys...this little snippet was nothing compared to the whole thing that happened. But I can't get into that right at this moment...homeschool is waiting...
For the record, the word I found as a kid for my bio father that fit perfectly.... indifferent. Of course, I won't share that with the kids. LOL!
Waiting for Wednesday...my two youngest girls are seeing a female doctor to put an end to the periods. It's too much for them (i.e. CDQ) and they shouldn't have to worry about the things that come along with it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It's all about finding the right technique...
but which is it?
I would say that SS is my most sensitive child. She takes everything to heart and she cares so deeply, it worries me.
She's also probably the child who is the most attached to me.
Lately, she's been especially clingy. Hugging me so hard it feels like she is trying to break me or worried if she doesn't hold on tight enough I will vanish.
Even more recent, she has been been grabbing my hand and bursting into tears and then throwing herself in a big hard hug around me.
It started about a month ago. She was helping the oldest bring in the poop-a-loops (dogs) and she lost her footing on air ( did I mention she is also very awkward and clumsy as she is quickly approaching the age of 11?) and fell flat. I asked her if she was ok and she quickly popped up from the floor and she rubbed her knee, shaking her head yes, she was fine and started to head out the door. I was at my computer and was swiveling in my chair to face back towards the computer when out of nowhere she appeared with her arms around my neck sobbing.
I thought something was physically wrong. I asked her where it hurt and all she could do was heave and sob. I was really worried because I couldn't understand how she could have hurt herself so bad. She didn't fall on anything or trip, it was a clear floor and a straight shot down. I started to think maybe she was embarrassed.
That's when the oldest came in with the two younger poopers. (I call the dogs what ever comes to mind at any given moment. Mainly poopers... but I digress) she told me that she knew what was wrong with SS, I asked her to tell me. She told me that SS confided to her earlier when they were looking for the older dog out in the yard that she was having bad dreams.
When I asked SS about it, she couldn't tell me about her dreams at first, she was crying that hard. I asked her if she was seeing babies in the hallway again. She said yes and that she was seeing people in our house too. I told her I had noticed that she was awake a lot around 2-3 am. She said she was waking up and couldn't go back to sleep. She finally told me she had dreamt that we were all in the car but she fell out and she had to go to this hotel but a lot of people had died there and there was blood every where in puddles and dripping. I stopped her there because she was crying and it was bedtime, I was worried when she went to bed it might pick up where she left off again.
I asked her if she remembered J from the videos about tapping. She said she did. I told her that J called all those bad, weird or scary feelings (probably not exactly accurate, but I was put on the spot. lol) Yuckies. I also told her that she took an imaginary balloon of any color she wished and J, with the help of her mom ( Lisa, of course!) would blow all those bad things into the balloon and then let it go up, up into the sky until she couldn't see it anymore. I told her she could just send them straight up there to disappear or she could even send them to God to sort out for her if she thought they needed sorting.
Then I told her about Torina's boys and how right before bed, they think about the things they want to dream about. At first, she was confused. I told her it could be anything. You can imagine dreaming about eating the biggest ice cream sundae ever or riding a beautiful horse. Anything you can imagine. Then she was excited.
Lastly, I addressed the hallucinations. She had them before and the meds she was on made them stop. The insurance company decided they were going to go generic and those didn't work. They sent me a letter that explained how name brand doesn't mean better and they were denying my appeal for the meds that were working. I wanted to write to them and tell them I didn't give a flying you know what if it was brand name or whatever just as long as it helped my child. But in the long run, I decided drugs weren't the answer for my kids. I think they were just masking all the things that are still bottled up inside them.
Anyhow, I asked her about the people and the babies. What they do. She said they just walk around. I asked her if she ever talked to them. Her reaction was priceless. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" was her reply in the most are you out of YOUR freaking mind attitude. lol!
I asked her why not. She was silent. I asked her if it bothered her that they were around. She nodded they did. I told her "Why don't you just tell them. Maybe they don't know they are scaring you or bothering you? Maybe if they knew they would go because they don't want you to feel that way."
She looked skeptical when I told her she just needed to level with them. "Just let them know... hey, this is my house and you are bothering me. Please leave." She giggled nervously. I told her she would never know unless she told them.
This happened at bedtime, I sent her off to bed. The next morning she was all grins and hugs. She did it! She blew up her bubbles and sent her yuckies in the sky and it worked. But she didn't dream about what she had wanted to. Not bad dreams but not what she thought she was going to. She was really happy that day.
A week or so later around lunch time she told me that she had seen the people walking around and had just told them to go. She was thrilled to report that they actually DID go (who knew?) and hadn't been back. (phew!)
Fast forward to the middle of last week, it was morning and she was a mess. She had decided she wanted to dream about horses except in her dream the horses ended up turning on her and their hooves were smashing her.
This time I tried to introduce the concept of controlling your own dreams. I told her it's hard at first and there's no guarantee that you can do it or will always be able to do it, it weird like that. But I suggested she try to change the dream. Make it to where right before something was changing into something she didn't like-- she could try to control it and say no, it's going to go this way. I also told her that when she can't control it in the dream or can't seem to wake herself up, to tell herself in the dream that it was all just a dream and couldn't hurt her.
I don't know what she dreamed about in the following days but she was helping me prepare dinner and with a sly smile she told she actually changed a dream. She was thrilled like it was her little secret.
Then yesterday, I was sitting next to her at dinner and again, she broke into tears, sobbing and unable to speak as she clung to me. She said she was having bad dreams. Everyone was looking at her. The kids were offering up suggestions. I said in a low voice, "is it about stuff that's happened in the past?", she shook her head yes. I was wishing I was going to be off the mark so badly with that guess. I just held her until she was somewhat composed. The other kids were eagerly looking at her. I said loud enough for everyone to hear that I would talk to her about it tomorrow. She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair shaking her head in agreement. I could see she was relieved that I wasn't going to make it a dinner discussion.
So today (Feb, 13... since Lord only knows if and when I will finish this post and publish it--I have so many outdated drafts) , I was supposed to talk to her but instead, I am trying out a journal with her. I will probably make one for all the kids. I was thinking it may be a way for me to connect personally with all the kids since there are so many and so little time. I'm ashamed to say I don't even know basic things like favorite colors, or food...with five kids and caring for Hubbins, it changes so often and quickly I can't keep up. I noticed with SS, that she has a hard time telling me things and looking at me when she does. I pulled out a spiral notebook with lined paper and she choose a colored pen. I told her that she could always talk to me but I thought it might be easier for her to write things down for me to read instead, on her own time, when she's ready. It would just be between us, no one else would read it. We could just write to each other. Again, I reminded her that I was open to talk to her anytime and that I thought this might be easier. I was trying to reassure her that I wasn't brushing her off or didn't care about what she had to say. As you can see I am still on the fence about the whole thing, but she smiled and scooped up that notebook and hugged it close to her chest like it was a stuffed animal.
We'll see how it goes. Each step is like a shot in the dark isn't it?...hit or miss... still I can say with certainty that I think my kids will progress better this way then if I were to bring a therapist into the mix. I worry about being wrong, but my gut is telling me bringing a stranger in will put us back at square one.
I would say that SS is my most sensitive child. She takes everything to heart and she cares so deeply, it worries me.
She's also probably the child who is the most attached to me.
Lately, she's been especially clingy. Hugging me so hard it feels like she is trying to break me or worried if she doesn't hold on tight enough I will vanish.
Even more recent, she has been been grabbing my hand and bursting into tears and then throwing herself in a big hard hug around me.
It started about a month ago. She was helping the oldest bring in the poop-a-loops (dogs) and she lost her footing on air ( did I mention she is also very awkward and clumsy as she is quickly approaching the age of 11?) and fell flat. I asked her if she was ok and she quickly popped up from the floor and she rubbed her knee, shaking her head yes, she was fine and started to head out the door. I was at my computer and was swiveling in my chair to face back towards the computer when out of nowhere she appeared with her arms around my neck sobbing.
I thought something was physically wrong. I asked her where it hurt and all she could do was heave and sob. I was really worried because I couldn't understand how she could have hurt herself so bad. She didn't fall on anything or trip, it was a clear floor and a straight shot down. I started to think maybe she was embarrassed.
That's when the oldest came in with the two younger poopers. (I call the dogs what ever comes to mind at any given moment. Mainly poopers... but I digress) she told me that she knew what was wrong with SS, I asked her to tell me. She told me that SS confided to her earlier when they were looking for the older dog out in the yard that she was having bad dreams.
When I asked SS about it, she couldn't tell me about her dreams at first, she was crying that hard. I asked her if she was seeing babies in the hallway again. She said yes and that she was seeing people in our house too. I told her I had noticed that she was awake a lot around 2-3 am. She said she was waking up and couldn't go back to sleep. She finally told me she had dreamt that we were all in the car but she fell out and she had to go to this hotel but a lot of people had died there and there was blood every where in puddles and dripping. I stopped her there because she was crying and it was bedtime, I was worried when she went to bed it might pick up where she left off again.
I asked her if she remembered J from the videos about tapping. She said she did. I told her that J called all those bad, weird or scary feelings (probably not exactly accurate, but I was put on the spot. lol) Yuckies. I also told her that she took an imaginary balloon of any color she wished and J, with the help of her mom ( Lisa, of course!) would blow all those bad things into the balloon and then let it go up, up into the sky until she couldn't see it anymore. I told her she could just send them straight up there to disappear or she could even send them to God to sort out for her if she thought they needed sorting.
Then I told her about Torina's boys and how right before bed, they think about the things they want to dream about. At first, she was confused. I told her it could be anything. You can imagine dreaming about eating the biggest ice cream sundae ever or riding a beautiful horse. Anything you can imagine. Then she was excited.
Lastly, I addressed the hallucinations. She had them before and the meds she was on made them stop. The insurance company decided they were going to go generic and those didn't work. They sent me a letter that explained how name brand doesn't mean better and they were denying my appeal for the meds that were working. I wanted to write to them and tell them I didn't give a flying you know what if it was brand name or whatever just as long as it helped my child. But in the long run, I decided drugs weren't the answer for my kids. I think they were just masking all the things that are still bottled up inside them.
Anyhow, I asked her about the people and the babies. What they do. She said they just walk around. I asked her if she ever talked to them. Her reaction was priceless. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" was her reply in the most are you out of YOUR freaking mind attitude. lol!
I asked her why not. She was silent. I asked her if it bothered her that they were around. She nodded they did. I told her "Why don't you just tell them. Maybe they don't know they are scaring you or bothering you? Maybe if they knew they would go because they don't want you to feel that way."
She looked skeptical when I told her she just needed to level with them. "Just let them know... hey, this is my house and you are bothering me. Please leave." She giggled nervously. I told her she would never know unless she told them.
This happened at bedtime, I sent her off to bed. The next morning she was all grins and hugs. She did it! She blew up her bubbles and sent her yuckies in the sky and it worked. But she didn't dream about what she had wanted to. Not bad dreams but not what she thought she was going to. She was really happy that day.
A week or so later around lunch time she told me that she had seen the people walking around and had just told them to go. She was thrilled to report that they actually DID go (who knew?) and hadn't been back. (phew!)
Fast forward to the middle of last week, it was morning and she was a mess. She had decided she wanted to dream about horses except in her dream the horses ended up turning on her and their hooves were smashing her.
This time I tried to introduce the concept of controlling your own dreams. I told her it's hard at first and there's no guarantee that you can do it or will always be able to do it, it weird like that. But I suggested she try to change the dream. Make it to where right before something was changing into something she didn't like-- she could try to control it and say no, it's going to go this way. I also told her that when she can't control it in the dream or can't seem to wake herself up, to tell herself in the dream that it was all just a dream and couldn't hurt her.
I don't know what she dreamed about in the following days but she was helping me prepare dinner and with a sly smile she told she actually changed a dream. She was thrilled like it was her little secret.
Then yesterday, I was sitting next to her at dinner and again, she broke into tears, sobbing and unable to speak as she clung to me. She said she was having bad dreams. Everyone was looking at her. The kids were offering up suggestions. I said in a low voice, "is it about stuff that's happened in the past?", she shook her head yes. I was wishing I was going to be off the mark so badly with that guess. I just held her until she was somewhat composed. The other kids were eagerly looking at her. I said loud enough for everyone to hear that I would talk to her about it tomorrow. She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair shaking her head in agreement. I could see she was relieved that I wasn't going to make it a dinner discussion.
So today (Feb, 13... since Lord only knows if and when I will finish this post and publish it--I have so many outdated drafts) , I was supposed to talk to her but instead, I am trying out a journal with her. I will probably make one for all the kids. I was thinking it may be a way for me to connect personally with all the kids since there are so many and so little time. I'm ashamed to say I don't even know basic things like favorite colors, or food...with five kids and caring for Hubbins, it changes so often and quickly I can't keep up. I noticed with SS, that she has a hard time telling me things and looking at me when she does. I pulled out a spiral notebook with lined paper and she choose a colored pen. I told her that she could always talk to me but I thought it might be easier for her to write things down for me to read instead, on her own time, when she's ready. It would just be between us, no one else would read it. We could just write to each other. Again, I reminded her that I was open to talk to her anytime and that I thought this might be easier. I was trying to reassure her that I wasn't brushing her off or didn't care about what she had to say. As you can see I am still on the fence about the whole thing, but she smiled and scooped up that notebook and hugged it close to her chest like it was a stuffed animal.
We'll see how it goes. Each step is like a shot in the dark isn't it?...hit or miss... still I can say with certainty that I think my kids will progress better this way then if I were to bring a therapist into the mix. I worry about being wrong, but my gut is telling me bringing a stranger in will put us back at square one.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Rolling with the punches...
Sometimes, I wondered if I was in denial because my kids seemed to be adjusting well and slowly but surely progressing. But I noticed a lot of our kids are doing that these days. ;-)
I wondered if I was turning a blind eye and missing those silent cues that may be darting around from each of the children. It was the calm before the storm.
We are still dealing with sexual abuse in our home.
Today it tore me apart to have to tell CDQ that one of her beliefs, something that she believed so strongly was just a dream. As she shuddered and cried and pushed the words out, I knew it wasn't true. My heart ached because I knew just as certain as I was that it wasn't true she was certain it had happened. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I knew even if I simply touched her shoulder she may shut down.
CDQ believed she was raped in our house. She told her story of how the oldest knew and told her just not to say anything and how I had caught the people, but did nothing but ran into her bedroom with her and shut the door. How I had reassured her that I would never let anyone do that or hurt her again.
She was so certain that people have been in our home and that we allowed it.
Never.
Quite honestly, I believe it was a culmination of my mother coming and all the abuse she has endured. I can see bits and pieces of where her dream came together. She was so terrified. For her this dream has continued since she moved here. It's weaved it's way into her mind, usually when she doesn't expect and it feels so real she has been scared to death.
It's why she runs in fear when she is outside and is so afraid to be outside. She never said anything to me before because in her mind from the dream, I already knew and did nothing. That breaks my heart. I told her that would never be true.
I was so scared to tell her it was a dream, her first reaction was anger, she was adamant it was real. I wasn't the only one in her dreams. The oldest was too. The oldest came in the room and she had no idea what CDQ was talking about either. It was plain to see the whole ordeal of reliving what she thought to be true for so long and telling us "yes, you remember! You did this and and you said this and you were wearing this and..."
Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. She hadn't slept in so long, just patches here and there. They all have dark circles under their eyes. I explained to her how sometimes lack of sleep will play tricks on your mind (don't I know it!). I told her some of the things that I have experienced and she could relate.
After about an hour and seeing the wheels turn in her head, she was realizing that it was a dream, she was able to see how some of the things that were real intertwined with some of the things that didn't make sense.
Our house is secure. The windows have locks that are built in, the kids rooms have door alarms, we have video and we have baby monitors in each room. The stuff she was describing could very well have happened to her but not here.
I hope I am not coming off as defensive. If my voice could come through the screen you would hear relief that these things about our home are indeed facts. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to protect them. Another thing, most nights I don't get to bed until 4 am since I am an insomniac. I constantly check the kids on the video, I have it hooked up to my old school 52 inch big screen. I check to see if they are having bad dreams, if they are sneaking around in their rooms. I don't just have to keep my kids safe from the outside world but from each other.
I know all these things are not foolproof but it would be pretty hard to get something so huge past us like that with all that is in place.
CDQ went back to her room, solid...she wasn't crying or shaking anymore. She actually fell asleep and slept until dinner time. Considering the conversation ended around noon and we had a late dinner at 7pm, that is awesome. She was almost like a different child. She was more relaxed and we were even able to joke with her without her losing it. BTW, I've checked on them twice in the span of writing this post and CDQ is sleeping like a log. phew. I was so worried her long "nap" was going to keep her up all night. She didn't eat like a little rat with her food held up to her face the whole time either and she requested two more taquitos even though she had already eaten 3 and most of everything else on her plate ( 3 are my limit, I feel like I am going to bust if I eat more than that. lol).
I hurt so bad for her to have felt so scared and lonely and who knows what else all this time and to think that I was ok with it and just didn't care. No wonder she is so hateful to everyone here.
Even though no one knows it and I might act like a total ass sometimes in response to their behavior towards me, I would die for these kids. In a sense, I feel a part of me is slowly dying for them already. All my dreams, ambitions, and plans for a family of our own, all those things I was working towards before the kids, they are all becoming something so unattainable that it physically hurts sometimes. I don't know how to make all that matter any less but I think my actions show in the end which really matters/mattered more.
I wondered if I was turning a blind eye and missing those silent cues that may be darting around from each of the children. It was the calm before the storm.
We are still dealing with sexual abuse in our home.
Today it tore me apart to have to tell CDQ that one of her beliefs, something that she believed so strongly was just a dream. As she shuddered and cried and pushed the words out, I knew it wasn't true. My heart ached because I knew just as certain as I was that it wasn't true she was certain it had happened. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I knew even if I simply touched her shoulder she may shut down.
CDQ believed she was raped in our house. She told her story of how the oldest knew and told her just not to say anything and how I had caught the people, but did nothing but ran into her bedroom with her and shut the door. How I had reassured her that I would never let anyone do that or hurt her again.
She was so certain that people have been in our home and that we allowed it.
Never.
Quite honestly, I believe it was a culmination of my mother coming and all the abuse she has endured. I can see bits and pieces of where her dream came together. She was so terrified. For her this dream has continued since she moved here. It's weaved it's way into her mind, usually when she doesn't expect and it feels so real she has been scared to death.
It's why she runs in fear when she is outside and is so afraid to be outside. She never said anything to me before because in her mind from the dream, I already knew and did nothing. That breaks my heart. I told her that would never be true.
I was so scared to tell her it was a dream, her first reaction was anger, she was adamant it was real. I wasn't the only one in her dreams. The oldest was too. The oldest came in the room and she had no idea what CDQ was talking about either. It was plain to see the whole ordeal of reliving what she thought to be true for so long and telling us "yes, you remember! You did this and and you said this and you were wearing this and..."
Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. She hadn't slept in so long, just patches here and there. They all have dark circles under their eyes. I explained to her how sometimes lack of sleep will play tricks on your mind (don't I know it!). I told her some of the things that I have experienced and she could relate.
After about an hour and seeing the wheels turn in her head, she was realizing that it was a dream, she was able to see how some of the things that were real intertwined with some of the things that didn't make sense.
Our house is secure. The windows have locks that are built in, the kids rooms have door alarms, we have video and we have baby monitors in each room. The stuff she was describing could very well have happened to her but not here.
I hope I am not coming off as defensive. If my voice could come through the screen you would hear relief that these things about our home are indeed facts. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to protect them. Another thing, most nights I don't get to bed until 4 am since I am an insomniac. I constantly check the kids on the video, I have it hooked up to my old school 52 inch big screen. I check to see if they are having bad dreams, if they are sneaking around in their rooms. I don't just have to keep my kids safe from the outside world but from each other.
I know all these things are not foolproof but it would be pretty hard to get something so huge past us like that with all that is in place.
CDQ went back to her room, solid...she wasn't crying or shaking anymore. She actually fell asleep and slept until dinner time. Considering the conversation ended around noon and we had a late dinner at 7pm, that is awesome. She was almost like a different child. She was more relaxed and we were even able to joke with her without her losing it. BTW, I've checked on them twice in the span of writing this post and CDQ is sleeping like a log. phew. I was so worried her long "nap" was going to keep her up all night. She didn't eat like a little rat with her food held up to her face the whole time either and she requested two more taquitos even though she had already eaten 3 and most of everything else on her plate ( 3 are my limit, I feel like I am going to bust if I eat more than that. lol).
I hurt so bad for her to have felt so scared and lonely and who knows what else all this time and to think that I was ok with it and just didn't care. No wonder she is so hateful to everyone here.
Even though no one knows it and I might act like a total ass sometimes in response to their behavior towards me, I would die for these kids. In a sense, I feel a part of me is slowly dying for them already. All my dreams, ambitions, and plans for a family of our own, all those things I was working towards before the kids, they are all becoming something so unattainable that it physically hurts sometimes. I don't know how to make all that matter any less but I think my actions show in the end which really matters/mattered more.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My heart is shattering...
*This was written a bit ago, just publishing it finally.*
into fine shards of very sharp glass...
I've been trying to maintain an appearance that everything is ok. But it's not.
I've been holding back the tears and anger for my kid's sake.
I've taken down their pictures because, even though they are my children and I should be able to share their beauty and my pride with the world, I won't be able to it. They are victims and I don't want to victimize them further. I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind about this...maybe I am overreacting. I just don't know right now.
The topic of sexual abuse and incest has been flying through my house, names and situations are being given and I am trying to appear open and as if this is all ok.
I'll be brutally honest.
I want blood and even then, it wouldn't be good enough, not even close.
But these motherfuckers will walk free, they will molest and rape again. My kids will never see justice, just like I've never seen it for my own situation.
I have called the people who have contact with the kid's older cousins on their bio mother's side. The oldest has two baby girls and her mother has a baby girl as well. I am so afraid that I am already too late. I didn't know they were all living with two of the abusers.
When will the cycle end? My abuser has abused at least two generations of his own family (his daughters and their children) besides me and possibly his current wife's sister that I know of and he has never been punished for it. He walks free. Now one of my nephews (not any that have been in my house) has abused one of my nieces/daughter.
I sit here and listen to my kids tell me about the touching and the oral and the rape and apparently, their father cleaned them up, lined them up on the sofa so guys could come and "choose" the one they want to take to a room. He would even point certain ones out. I don't know for certain if it was in exchange for drugs or money or both...it takes everything not to cry, vomit, scream, kill.... the 3 youngest were no older than 4 years old.
I thought about counseling, but I know my kids won't tell anyone else. It took what they had to open up to me. Maybe someday...but not now. I think if I were to try to bring a counselor into the mix my kids would shut down. Especially after the last therapist did such a mind fuck on them and actually tried to triangulate US against each other.
They shouldn't know these things, especially not from people who were supposed to love and cherish them and nurture them...
My mind is in a state of shock. I keep messing up on things and forgetting, like I am walking in a cloud. It's official, there is not one person in my house who hasn't been abused in all forms (physical, mental, emotional, sexual). Not one. There are seven of us and I can only shudder when I think of how much more is going on out there.
I hear numbers like 1 out of 6 girls/women and 1 out of 33 boys/men and I think they may be grossly wrong. I think it's happening more than people want to believe.
I'm not ignoring my blog, I'm still doing the "Big Clean" on my house...right now, it just feels like anything I write is just trivial. I know life goes on. But somethings are just too hard to swallow.
PS. Dia , if you read this, I will e-mail you soon about MA.
PPS. Sorry about the blog layout changes. I have a large widescreen monitor and had no idea it wasn't adjusting properly. I just assumed it was scaling for everyone. Hope this one works better. Let me know if it doesn't. Thanks.
into fine shards of very sharp glass...
I've been trying to maintain an appearance that everything is ok. But it's not.
I've been holding back the tears and anger for my kid's sake.
I've taken down their pictures because, even though they are my children and I should be able to share their beauty and my pride with the world, I won't be able to it. They are victims and I don't want to victimize them further. I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind about this...maybe I am overreacting. I just don't know right now.
The topic of sexual abuse and incest has been flying through my house, names and situations are being given and I am trying to appear open and as if this is all ok.
I'll be brutally honest.
I want blood and even then, it wouldn't be good enough, not even close.
But these motherfuckers will walk free, they will molest and rape again. My kids will never see justice, just like I've never seen it for my own situation.
I have called the people who have contact with the kid's older cousins on their bio mother's side. The oldest has two baby girls and her mother has a baby girl as well. I am so afraid that I am already too late. I didn't know they were all living with two of the abusers.
When will the cycle end? My abuser has abused at least two generations of his own family (his daughters and their children) besides me and possibly his current wife's sister that I know of and he has never been punished for it. He walks free. Now one of my nephews (not any that have been in my house) has abused one of my nieces/daughter.
I sit here and listen to my kids tell me about the touching and the oral and the rape and apparently, their father cleaned them up, lined them up on the sofa so guys could come and "choose" the one they want to take to a room. He would even point certain ones out. I don't know for certain if it was in exchange for drugs or money or both...it takes everything not to cry, vomit, scream, kill.... the 3 youngest were no older than 4 years old.
I thought about counseling, but I know my kids won't tell anyone else. It took what they had to open up to me. Maybe someday...but not now. I think if I were to try to bring a counselor into the mix my kids would shut down. Especially after the last therapist did such a mind fuck on them and actually tried to triangulate US against each other.
They shouldn't know these things, especially not from people who were supposed to love and cherish them and nurture them...
My mind is in a state of shock. I keep messing up on things and forgetting, like I am walking in a cloud. It's official, there is not one person in my house who hasn't been abused in all forms (physical, mental, emotional, sexual). Not one. There are seven of us and I can only shudder when I think of how much more is going on out there.
I hear numbers like 1 out of 6 girls/women and 1 out of 33 boys/men and I think they may be grossly wrong. I think it's happening more than people want to believe.
I'm not ignoring my blog, I'm still doing the "Big Clean" on my house...right now, it just feels like anything I write is just trivial. I know life goes on. But somethings are just too hard to swallow.
PS. Dia , if you read this, I will e-mail you soon about MA.
PPS. Sorry about the blog layout changes. I have a large widescreen monitor and had no idea it wasn't adjusting properly. I just assumed it was scaling for everyone. Hope this one works better. Let me know if it doesn't. Thanks.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Just wondering...
Does anyone live in Massachusetts or know anything about the Springfield area?
Thanks :-)
Thanks :-)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Small update
I know I've been remiss in updating my blog (what else is new) and I've just changed my blog doohickey to the new blogger editor....looks like there is some interesting new toys up there. I haven't been feeling so great but The Big Clean of 2010 is still going and I've had my first true throw down with the oldest. Stupid, stupid girl. I'm not one to go for the "teenager" excuse. As my mom will tell you, I never did any of those stupid things and boys weren't even an issue in my life. Getting the hell outta Dodge and becoming something was my priority...yet look where I sit? The very place I never wanted to be. Don't get me wrong. It's not a pity party I'm throwing, it's more that I am still stunned by the whole thing almost 4 years later. I sometimes go over it and try to figure out where exactly I went wrong.
I have to admit, I feel somewhat like they do. I thought things were getting better around here and perhaps they were and that's why the girl lost her shit...she was losing ground and control around here so she panicked (that's for another post). But children or not, we were all put into a situation we didn't ask for around here. I've found myself often feeling the way she does about the situation. But I'm just supposed to ignore that and take the abuse too? I don't think so. I wouldn't take half the crap I've put up with from a bio child. I really need to get past the whole "my sister's kids" thing... but even then the kids would be extremely shocked to learn what kind of mother to my own children I would be. Probably not what they would expect (but that too is for another post).
We are stuck together whether we like it or not.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friends
I've been thinking about this since I talked to my sister about my nephews several weeks ago. One of my nephews (E) is really outgoing but doesn't take crap from anyone. My other nephew (I) seems to have a "use me" sign written across his forehead. He is picked on a lot but even so he considers everyone a friend. SS was that way, until I had a talk with her. Anyhow, my sister was going on and on about how she told "I" there is no such thing as friends and that he doesn't have any friends and doesn't need any friends. I thought that was pretty harsh. I know what she's worried about but I don't agree with her.
I have the opposite problem with my kids, they can see a kid across the way, hear another child say that kids name and even though they never spoke to either child, they will say "My friend so and so asked so and so to do this today." Crazy huh? I mean neither of those children know my kids exist but my kids will insist they are "friends" and some how add themselves to that scenario even though they were not a part of it at all. Anyhow...
I know my nephew "I" is dying to have friends. So much so that I believe that is why he is being stepped on. He's meeting really rotten kids who blame him for stuff, steal his toys or break them. He doesn't tell my sister because he knows that she will put her foot down and tell him that kid is no good. I worry that my sister has gone to the extreme and she's actually going to push my nephew into keeping things secret and that might lead to even more trouble. I feel like she should be teaching him the difference between a friend and a person who is no good.
But that's where my dilemma begins... I don't have many friends. I'm not good at keeping up with other people. I never have been. Plus, I've always had "needy" friends. People who take and take and never really give. I think that's why it was such a hard blow when my friend Karlton died. He's the only one who truly took the time to get to know me, even though I didn't even know myself. I trusted him with my ATM, my car keys and even with my abuses and panic attacks that I had never told anyone about. When I ended up in the ER and they tried to commit me, he was the one I called.
He wanted to know my favorite color, my favorite food, etc...little things. I still have the praying bear he gave me for my birthday, with card attached. He's the only friend I've had that has ever celebrated my birthday by giving me a gift (after HS) and I've cherished it. The day meant something to him, or at least that's how he made it seem. I was so suspicious of him at first. I was always used to someone wanting something from me. A ride, money, a place to stay, babysitting, etc... that's why I don't know how to suggest to my sister that she ease up on my nephew. I mean, I suck at friendship.
Some of my friends were supportive, but when all this came down with the kids disorders and my nieces dying and just everything. Everyone really scattered. I know for some my situation has been overwhelming and it's better to just let me fade away so they won't have to feel uncomfortable. I know for others, I'm just on a different planet now and lifetimes away from their lives. Others, I don't know, maybe my life stresses THEM out. Maybe, after some of my friends basically did the equivalent of slapping me in the face, I put my guard up higher than ever....Some I get others I will never know.
Bottomline, I've turned into one of those "shitty" friends. Don't get me wrong. I haven't been a quality friend in ages. I was already extremely guarded when Karlton came along and I didn't let my guard down for anyone else. Not completely anyway. It's been a hard road back to good.
I tried really hard to make friendships and keep an open mind as a GS leader but I was repeatedly stabbed in the back. I was naive and gave too much credit to those of my same religion. One of my sayings is that even the devil goes to church and somehow I still was blindsided by the whole thing.
It's been really hard for me to try and form Internet or blogging relationships as well. Sometimes, I'm as guilty as those who have left me behind. I don't think it's for the same reasons. The pain of my fellow bloggers who are raising children who have been hurt rings too true and painful in my heart. I have to let go because it will swallow me whole. I'll still come by, silently, because I have a need to know that you guys are ok, but I feel like such a failure and hopeless at times because I can't help. All the intricacies of life. People and newborns dying, suicides and all that float through the blogging world are too much for me. It feels like ripping a scab off a wound repeatedly. I can't find center with all this hurt. If that even makes sense?
So I've limited myself to that exposure and I have yet to figure out how to manage my emotions regarding that. To rise up and let go. I guess.
I can't let this post go this way, I have one friendship left, and I don't want this post to be taken the wrong way should she read this. Our friendship is an odd friendship. :-P Sometimes I don't understand it. But then I think since it's the only one I have, maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about it. Sometimes, I feel like she has her own troubles and I may bring stress into her life when I resurface and I should just let it fade away. She's a worrier, and we are now in different worlds and different lifetimes. What do you say to a person whose life is in a shithole (mine, not hers. lol)? What can one say? Sometimes I feel like the friendship is pretty much fading away anyway. Life has gone on. I don't know. I'm not trying to be hurtful. We both have our separate pains that neither can understand about the other since they are different pains. She has friends now and a support system who know how she feels and have been through the same things as she has been, and I feel like I always say the wrong things.
Just not good at friendships, like I said. I'm trying to be better. Honest...but I just don't know how it comes so easy to some people. I haven't completely given up on the possibilities and I hope my nephew won't be scarred for life by sister's decision. But I just don't know what to say.
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