I've been thinking about this since I talked to my sister about my nephews several weeks ago. One of my nephews (E) is really outgoing but doesn't take crap from anyone. My other nephew (I) seems to have a "use me" sign written across his forehead. He is picked on a lot but even so he considers everyone a friend. SS was that way, until I had a talk with her. Anyhow, my sister was going on and on about how she told "I" there is no such thing as friends and that he doesn't have any friends and doesn't need any friends. I thought that was pretty harsh. I know what she's worried about but I don't agree with her.
I have the opposite problem with my kids, they can see a kid across the way, hear another child say that kids name and even though they never spoke to either child, they will say "My friend so and so asked so and so to do this today." Crazy huh? I mean neither of those children know my kids exist but my kids will insist they are "friends" and some how add themselves to that scenario even though they were not a part of it at all. Anyhow...
I know my nephew "I" is dying to have friends. So much so that I believe that is why he is being stepped on. He's meeting really rotten kids who blame him for stuff, steal his toys or break them. He doesn't tell my sister because he knows that she will put her foot down and tell him that kid is no good. I worry that my sister has gone to the extreme and she's actually going to push my nephew into keeping things secret and that might lead to even more trouble. I feel like she should be teaching him the difference between a friend and a person who is no good.
But that's where my dilemma begins... I don't have many friends. I'm not good at keeping up with other people. I never have been. Plus, I've always had "needy" friends. People who take and take and never really give. I think that's why it was such a hard blow when my friend Karlton died. He's the only one who truly took the time to get to know me, even though I didn't even know myself. I trusted him with my ATM, my car keys and even with my abuses and panic attacks that I had never told anyone about. When I ended up in the ER and they tried to commit me, he was the one I called.
He wanted to know my favorite color, my favorite food, etc...little things. I still have the praying bear he gave me for my birthday, with card attached. He's the only friend I've had that has ever celebrated my birthday by giving me a gift (after HS) and I've cherished it. The day meant something to him, or at least that's how he made it seem. I was so suspicious of him at first. I was always used to someone wanting something from me. A ride, money, a place to stay, babysitting, etc... that's why I don't know how to suggest to my sister that she ease up on my nephew. I mean, I suck at friendship.
Some of my friends were supportive, but when all this came down with the kids disorders and my nieces dying and just everything. Everyone really scattered. I know for some my situation has been overwhelming and it's better to just let me fade away so they won't have to feel uncomfortable. I know for others, I'm just on a different planet now and lifetimes away from their lives. Others, I don't know, maybe my life stresses THEM out. Maybe, after some of my friends basically did the equivalent of slapping me in the face, I put my guard up higher than ever....Some I get others I will never know.
Bottomline, I've turned into one of those "shitty" friends. Don't get me wrong. I haven't been a quality friend in ages. I was already extremely guarded when Karlton came along and I didn't let my guard down for anyone else. Not completely anyway. It's been a hard road back to good.
I tried really hard to make friendships and keep an open mind as a GS leader but I was repeatedly stabbed in the back. I was naive and gave too much credit to those of my same religion. One of my sayings is that even the devil goes to church and somehow I still was blindsided by the whole thing.
It's been really hard for me to try and form Internet or blogging relationships as well. Sometimes, I'm as guilty as those who have left me behind. I don't think it's for the same reasons. The pain of my fellow bloggers who are raising children who have been hurt rings too true and painful in my heart. I have to let go because it will swallow me whole. I'll still come by, silently, because I have a need to know that you guys are ok, but I feel like such a failure and hopeless at times because I can't help. All the intricacies of life. People and newborns dying, suicides and all that float through the blogging world are too much for me. It feels like ripping a scab off a wound repeatedly. I can't find center with all this hurt. If that even makes sense?
So I've limited myself to that exposure and I have yet to figure out how to manage my emotions regarding that. To rise up and let go. I guess.
I can't let this post go this way, I have one friendship left, and I don't want this post to be taken the wrong way should she read this. Our friendship is an odd friendship. :-P Sometimes I don't understand it. But then I think since it's the only one I have, maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about it. Sometimes, I feel like she has her own troubles and I may bring stress into her life when I resurface and I should just let it fade away. She's a worrier, and we are now in different worlds and different lifetimes. What do you say to a person whose life is in a shithole (mine, not hers. lol)? What can one say? Sometimes I feel like the friendship is pretty much fading away anyway. Life has gone on. I don't know. I'm not trying to be hurtful. We both have our separate pains that neither can understand about the other since they are different pains. She has friends now and a support system who know how she feels and have been through the same things as she has been, and I feel like I always say the wrong things.
Just not good at friendships, like I said. I'm trying to be better. Honest...but I just don't know how it comes so easy to some people. I haven't completely given up on the possibilities and I hope my nephew won't be scarred for life by sister's decision. But I just don't know what to say.
