Rolling with the punches...

Sometimes, I wondered if I was in denial because my kids seemed to be adjusting well and slowly but surely progressing. But I noticed a lot of our kids are doing that these days. ;-)

I wondered if I was turning a blind eye and missing those silent cues that may be darting around from each of the children. It was the calm before the storm.

We are still dealing with sexual abuse in our home.

Today it tore me apart to have to tell CDQ that one of her beliefs, something that she believed so strongly was just a dream. As she shuddered and cried and pushed the words out, I knew it wasn't true. My heart ached because I knew just as certain as I was that it wasn't true she was certain it had happened. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I knew even if I simply touched her shoulder she may shut down.

CDQ believed she was raped in our house.  She told her story of how the oldest knew and told her just not to say anything and how I had caught the people, but did nothing but ran into her bedroom with her and shut the door. How I had reassured her that I would never let anyone do that or hurt her again.

She was so certain that people have been in our home and that we allowed it.

Never.

Quite honestly, I believe it was a culmination of my mother coming and all the abuse she has endured. I can see bits and pieces of where her dream came together.  She was so terrified. For her this dream has continued since she moved here. It's weaved it's way into her mind, usually when she doesn't expect and it feels so real she has been scared to death.

It's why she runs in fear when she is outside and is so afraid to be outside. She never said anything to me before because in her mind from the dream, I already knew and did nothing. That breaks my heart.  I told her that would never be true.

I was so scared to tell her it was a dream, her first reaction was anger, she was adamant it was real.  I wasn't the only one in her dreams. The oldest was too.  The oldest came in the room and she had no idea what CDQ was talking about either.  It was plain to see the whole ordeal of reliving what she thought to be true for so long and telling us "yes, you remember! You did this and and you said this and you were wearing this and..."

Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. She hadn't slept in so long, just patches here and there. They all have dark circles under their eyes. I explained to her how sometimes lack of sleep will play tricks on your mind (don't I know it!). I told her some of the things that I have experienced and she could relate.

After about an hour and seeing the wheels turn in her head, she was realizing that it was a dream, she was able to see how some of the things that were real intertwined with some of the things that didn't make sense.

Our house is secure. The windows have locks that are built in, the kids rooms have door alarms, we have video and we have baby monitors in each room. The stuff she was describing could very well have happened to her but not here.

I hope I am not coming off as defensive.  If my voice could come through the screen you would hear relief that these things about our home are indeed facts. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to protect them. Another thing, most nights I don't get to bed until 4 am since I am an insomniac.  I constantly check the kids on the video, I have it hooked up to my old school 52 inch big screen. I check to see if they are having bad dreams, if they are sneaking around in their rooms. I don't just have to keep my kids safe from the outside world but from each other.

I know all these things are not foolproof but it would be pretty hard to get something so huge past us like that with all that is in place.

CDQ went back to her room, solid...she wasn't crying or shaking anymore.  She actually fell asleep and slept until dinner time. Considering the conversation ended around noon and we had a late dinner at 7pm, that is awesome.  She was almost like a different child. She was more relaxed and we were even able to joke with her without her losing it.  BTW, I've checked on them twice in the span of writing this post and CDQ is sleeping like a log. phew. I was so worried her long "nap" was going to keep her up all night.  She didn't eat like a little rat with her food held up to her face the whole time either and she requested two more taquitos even though she had already eaten 3 and most of everything else on her plate ( 3 are my limit, I feel like I am going to bust if I eat more than that. lol).

I hurt so bad for her to have felt so scared and lonely and who knows what else all this time and to think that I was ok with it and just didn't care.  No wonder she is so hateful to everyone here.

Even though no one knows it and I might act like a total ass sometimes in response to their behavior towards me, I would die for these kids.  In a sense, I feel a part of me is slowly dying for them already. All my dreams, ambitions, and plans for a family of our own, all those things I was working towards before the kids, they are all becoming something so unattainable that it physically hurts sometimes.  I don't know how to make all that matter any less but I think my actions show in the end which really matters/mattered more.