Attachment Milestone!

Yesterday we all finally got to leave the house together. We piled into the mini-van (the big van isn't converted for Hubs yet.) and as we started to go down our driveway, my mind was playing weird tricks with me. I kept expecting the van to die or the gates to snap shut on us. lol!

Anyhow, I don't really want to write about where we went just yet because I want to focus this post on CDQ.

She astounded me. I've thought I noticed subtle changes since I seperated her from all the other kids. I know I've noticed changes in the other kids. SS is really huggy and clingy with me now. The boy calls me Mom. Poufy...well, I think her thyroid meds are doing something to her but that's another story for another time.

Anyhow, we went out to dinner first and after dinner we were pottying everyone. Most of you know the drill I am sure. Everybody better go before we leave. The oldest took Poufy and the boy to the bathroom first and then I took SS and CDQ next. On the way there and the way back SS was holding my hand. She rushes to my side every time to hold my hand. I'm pretty sure we are close to being securely attached.

But CDQ, she's definitely guarded. On the way to the bathroom she was on the other side of me and I let my hand swing and hit hers just in case she might catch it. (I know... wishful thinking. lol) She didn't of course, BUT she didn't pull away either.

On the way back to the table, she reached out and grabbed my hand. I finally have my rings (engagement and wedding band, I've meant to post about that.) and she looked at my rings and told me how pretty they were. THEN, she grabbed the tip of my pinky with her thumb and pointer finger and gingerly walked along that way.

At first, I didn't notice, but when I did, I said "What are you doing? You can hold my whole hand." She clapped her hand over mine and SHE SMILED UP at me. Then we went our separate ways back at the table. As we were leaving the restaurant, she rushed to one side and SS rushed to the other and they each grabbed a hand.

CDQ squeezed my hand and I looked down at her and she said "I squeeze hands all the time." This made me chuckle inside because she knows that SS and I take turns squeezing each others hands as hard as we can or in patterns when we walk AND she doesn't even hold anyone's hands. I squeezed her hand back.

CDQ and I definitely butt heads, I don't know if that will ever change because I am not willing to make her "special" or a "favorite" and that's what she thinks she needs. I am so hoping she will be able to grow out of this narcissism. But when are hands touched you could feel like an electricity or tension or something. We were both definitely trying and putting ourselves out there. It was exhilarating but scary at the same time.

Then on the way home, I don't even know how it came up. Maybe she was just reflecting the day and how it went and where she's at now because out of no where she said she couldn't believe how they all used to go to the bathroom all over their rooms, or even how they used to use the buckets instead of the toilet. She said "That was so nasty. I can't believe I did that. Was that part of our disorder?" She's actually the one who filled her bucket with water and drank from it. EWWWWW!

I don't know whether to get too excited that she seems to be having little revelations and that she definitely put some trust in me in holding my hands but whatever it is...I WILL TAKE IT!

Something not as heavy...

as my last post...

I installed my time capsule to back up my computer and then I downloaded my pics and I'm all backed up now. hehe

Here's a few of our recent doings...

Last night-- Pumpkin muffins with whipped cream on top. I had made them--come to think of it, I had never had pumpkin bread or muffins before. They were so yummy! I lamented how I should have taken pictures of the kids scarfing them down. They loved them too.

From a couple of days ago- devil's food cupcakes with a decadent fudge frosting. That's what the can said-- actually I should take a picture of the other can.

Ok, back with picture. I picked these up at the grocery store and I thought I would give them a shot. I likey them. I don't likey the price. lol

It's sort of like easy cheese but frosting instead. I think the best part is that you can stick that little piping doohickey in the center of the cupcake and make them frosting filled cupcakes. Haven't done it yet but definitely thinking about it. lol

Since I'm talking about food, I should mention that I have put myself on a fat diet. It's my first real diet and no, I have no idea what I am doing. I've just switched a lot of the foods I eat to fat free or low fat. I've lost 4 lbs so far and it hasn't been painful. Maybe because I am saving all my fat grams for the real yummy stuff (see above) or maybe because I haven't added in the exercise portion.

I know this post will seem like a total endorsement of the things I have mentioned and am about to mention but I was impressed and well...that's hard to do. I'll just let you know now, it's not a paid endorsement. :-p

Marie Callender's Meatball Lasagna. This is the kind that you make in the microwave and don't need refrigeration. Wow, there was plenty of sauce and meatballs in it. I had it with a side salad and it was so filling and yummy. It was also quick and simple to make. I was worried that the pasta wasn't going to be cooked but it was perfect!

Skinny Cow chocolate with fudge cones. I am a huge fan of the traditional Drumstick. I was very skeptical about these Skinny Cow imposters. I went to Hubbins directly after trying it and told him he MUST try it...now. He was impressed too. So impressed he ate most of it (you know you did! lol) It tastes like a creamy thick chocolate ice cream. The fudge tastes like a chocolate sauce and the cone is not cardboard. Perhaps the best part, there is about an inch of chocolate that is pooled and frozen at the bottom of the cone just like the drumsticks. Only 3g of fat. Oh and did I mention, I'm not even a real fan of chocolate ice cream?

On the flip side...

Tonight I tried the Healthy Choice version. It was the Rotini and Zesty Marinara sauce.

Can I just say Yecch!

Not good at all. I didn't even finish it. The whole thing was like one big onion. I didn't notice it until I had eaten almost half.

I kept taking bites trying to figure out what it was. Once I did, I started pulling out the onions and well...see that napkin...ick! I gave up there was still so many more in there.

I had an orange instead...bummer.

All and all it's not so bad. I have a turkey and cheese Lunchable for brunch (I'm not really a breakfast or lunch person.) It has two double stuffed oreos in it. It's the highlight of my morning. LOL! Then dinner. Last week, I ate dinner with everyone. Spaghetti and meatballs and I also ate out at McDonald's one of the days. Plain chicken sandwich, fries and sprite. Nothing too restrictive. I hear that's why diets fail and I'm worried about mine.

I've gained 20 lbs every single year the kids have been here (3 years) and I am right on schedule with an additional 13 lbs so far this year, well minus 4, so 9. Two pounds a week doesn't seem bad.

I am not happy about this! Must change it.We shall see.

Speaking of sins of the mother...

I don't know how to start this post so I'll just say it.

I've been talking to my mother.

I know, it sounds all sinister and stuff like: I've been using or something like that. lol But my mother is very codependent and we've often had a reversed relationship where I am more like the mother and she the child. After college, I pulled away from that and having a relationship with her is a constant ... battle of sorts. Me pushing her to be independent.

She's been calling me once a week for a little over a month now. If you've read here for awhile, well, you know I hadn't really spoken to her since a few months after the kids were taken and placed with me at least 3 years ago.

She basically turned her back on me and told me that my sister needed her more. She insisted that "the kids needed their mother right now" and if I tried to tell her things weren't exactly right with the kids and I wasn't sure what was going on, she would tell me "Well, you're a mom now. Deal with it."

It's always been that way. Everyone has always come first before me. I guess it's easier that way because she's a people pleaser and I've never made her feel like she has to do anything to please me. It never bothered me before because I am self sufficient and have never really needed her until now.

Her story keeps morphing about why she stayed away, but it boils down to me apparently. I keep telling her that as long as she believes they need my sister she's toxic to my kids. But apparently that translates to "I hate you" and "I want you to leave me alone." Both things I didn't say, but she insists EVERYONE says I said. Funny, because I haven't talked to anyone else out there either. Also, she should know I don't play those games.

We got into it this last conversation because she's trying to tell me that my sister is sick, that she keeps trying to talk about her kids but she talks like nothing has happened and nothing is wrong with the kids. She acts like they just aren't home right now or something like that.

She kept saying "her kids" meaning my sister's kids. I don't know why, it seemed so petty but I snapped. I told my mother that she (my sister) had no kids. Then I took that back and said wait, no, there's documentation that she had a child, a child that was murdered because of her failure to protect her. But as far as any other children, she has had none. I told them they both need to understand that.

I also said as far as anyone else is concerned. I was in that hospital on those days and gave birth to these children. That's what is recorded and documented. They are my children.

After that I was left was a long silence.

Am I not right? If she were not a relative, wouldn't the birth certificate show that I and Hubbins are the bio parents and nothing before that happened? No one would constantly refer to the "birth mother". I mean I know the birth certificates state exactly that and I am good enough to go through all this and raise the kids and pay for everything, etc... but they (my mom and sister) are going to continually refer to the kids as her kids? My two other sisters have referred to the kids as mine since they were placed. I guess they already knew deep down. If I had adopted strangers children, would they be referred to as "her children"? Does that make sense?

Don't get me wrong though, just because I am invalidating my sister as a parent,I am not dismissing the children's feelings or experiences at all. I also want to say, my anger in the previous post is not directed towards the kids at all. I hate their bio mother, she is no sister of mine.

This isn't to say I don't get angry with the kids when they do something like all kids do when they get in trouble, but my bitterness isn't directed at them. I may go off on a rant directed at God or no one in particular, but I also come back around and let them know it's not their faults. I think they understand because I don't think I'm alone in this boat. They have their issues with her too. It is also because of this I try so hard to keep it together or model the right type of behavior for the anger I feel towards her.

Any how, back to my mother. She wants to move to the same state as me. *crickets chirping*

This has been tough. I know there is a change in her, but she just can't say no to people--specifically- those people: sisters, ex-stepfather, other nieces and nephews that are a bad influence. That worries me. I don't want the drama they thrive on.

What also worries me is that I am weak right now. I could use some help, especially on days where I have flare ups. I am torn because I know my mom will say anything but will she follow through? Can I trust her?

The other thing is that my other sisters haven't been able to cut the cord. They follow her where ever she goes. She encourages that because she wants to be needed and loves the drama. Which brings me full circle.

She said that right now I am her only child that is suffering. So apparently my other sisters are all set now and have no use for her so she has time for me. But what will happen if they need her again? I mean, if she abandons me again, I'm a big girl and it would be my fault for trusting her. But I have to put the kids first. I won't have that situation where she is in and out of their lives. Hello...RAD?

Along the same vein... am I doing the right thing by keeping their grandmother from them? I'm sure other people have issues with their parents but still work it out for the kids....

Plus, I am raising the kids my way. No secrets, no spanking, no whatever. My Mother is stubborn, will she respect that?

These are the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this last month.

I just don't know.

Thank you Carol!

Thanks to Carol for this Over the Top Award!

The rules are as follows:

Answer the survey below…you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
Alert them that you have given them this award!
Have Fun!
_______________________________________________________
Where is your cell phone?- purse
Your hair? -ponytail
Your mother?- AZ
Your father? – ?
Your favorite food?-Italian
Your dream last night?- bad
Your favorite drink? Coke
Your dream/goal? – Live
What room are you in?- Livingroom
Your hobby?- crafts
Your Fear?- failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years? – happy
Where were you last night? – home
Something that you aren’t? hungry
Muffins? pumpkin
Wish list item? biokids
Where did you grow up?Az
Last thing you did? typed
What are you wearing? Pjs
Your TV? On
Your pets? sleeping
Friends? nonexistent
Your life? Unwritten
Your mood? overwhelmed
Missing someone? yes
Vehicle? Express
Something you’re not wearing? slippers
Your favorite store? Craft
Your favorite color? blue
When was the last time you laughed? morning
Last time you cried? Yesterday
One place that I go to over and over? Kitchen
One person who emails me regularly? Hubbins
Favorite place to eat? Olive Garden

Im going to pass this to:

Dia

Brenda

Gala

Casey

Darby

Liz

Carrie

I don't know if you guys do the award thing, but I wanted you to know that I love your blogs. Many of the blogs I read have already received this award as well. Thank you for sharing your lives. :-)

Hitting the wall..

Ok, so let me just put it out there.

I am struggling. For purely selfish reasons.

I don't like anything right now and I can't seem to do anything right. Everytime I go to do something I end up discovering yet another thing the kids have destroyed. Most of it is my house. I HATE it.

My house is important to me. It took me forever and a day to be able to own a home and I was the first in my family to do so. Now, truth be told. The kids have turned my beautiful home into a shithole.

ARgh. I said I wasn't going to cuss. I hate living in a dump. I put my life savings into this place. Hubs and I both did.

I can't come to grips with the fact that I was one of those rare people who put myself through school while working full time with no breaks since graduation...for TEN years. No life, no summers, no nothing. I didn't even own my house a year when all this went down. I barely had finished earning my degree. My entire life shut down. Poof! Gone! The End--Sucker!

I can't come to grips with that. I just can't. It's like all my hopes and dreams are just shattered. I feel that God abandoned me a long time ago. I still kept pushing forward like an idiot. No matter how many times I was pushed and kicked. I just got back up and figured it would all work out.

I just can't fool myself anymore. I know one RAD kid can do some damage but calculate 4 RAD kids and a teen. I've had to play electrician, drywall installer, plumber, etc... It's getting to me because my hands don't work much anymore. The simplest things like installing an outlet faceplate brings me to tears.

Every penny I spend to replace something or fix something is just proof positive that I will never have children of my own. Because the money to do that is being wasted. They are destroying things faster than I can fix it. I don't even know how or when. I suspect the stuff I'm finding may have happened b.c. (before cameras) but I'm still dealing with recent stuff that the oldest is doing because she is lazy.

It may seem like I am shallow and throwing one big pity party... but it hurts for me to visit blogs sometimes. I get so happy to see families--successful families, happy times, just glimpses into other people's lives and to know I will never have that. I have been cheated. It hurts and it makes it hard to come back.

I'm just a fool, because even if I could do things differently. I don't know that I would because even though I feel like I am dying inside, I don't think Hubbins or the kids feel that way about the life and home that I am providing. Even though I lose it now and then, I still try to keep things together enough for them.

They all have missed out on so much of the same things I have and I keep trying to make sure that it doesn't completely pass them by. Even that stings a little.

We interrupt this blogging silence

to let you know that I am busily trying to get my ducks in a row. My baby girl is back (my computer) and I've been busy replaying all the levels of Burger Shop 2 setting the world right again.

I expect my time capsule to arrive sometime next week and will start backing up all my data. LOL! Why is that funny? Because I have NO data anymore. But dang it, I am going to back it up, NOW! You see?

Meanwhile, I've been playing electrician, decorating for Halloween and crafting to keep my sanity because as the RAD parents out there know, it's the most wonderful time of the year!

The Holidays.

Stuff is already hitting the fan at my house.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Yeah, I've been avoiding you...

Right before I posted my last post, I had taken EVERY picture off my camera and had realized I had so many to share.

The next time I went to my computer, it was off. I thought I had missed a power outage because I wasn't home. So I tried to turn my computer back on...

This is where my heartbreak begins. My hard drive failed.

I am trying to be good and not to cuss in this post, I thought I had stayed away long enough to be ok with it. But I lost all my pictures. All my GS pictures...everything from this year. I know it could be worse but still.

I also lost all my homeschool units I had prepared.

I know back up, blah blah blah. IT is my field and I always tell people to back up. I've even backed up many servers. I've just never backed up MY stuff.

I know. I suck.

My baby is at the doctor's being fixed up. It's all under warranty which is nice. When I go pick her up, however, I will try not to flinch when I drop $300+ for the time capsule to back her up. *sigh*

For now, I'm using this itty bitty Netbook, which means I can only see a paragraph of what I have typed at a time and the format of my blog does not come in.

I should get my baby back this week, did I mention I miss her and want her back? ...now.