I am struggling. For purely selfish reasons.
I don't like anything right now and I can't seem to do anything right. Everytime I go to do something I end up discovering yet another thing the kids have destroyed. Most of it is my house. I HATE it.
My house is important to me. It took me forever and a day to be able to own a home and I was the first in my family to do so. Now, truth be told. The kids have turned my beautiful home into a shithole.
ARgh. I said I wasn't going to cuss. I hate living in a dump. I put my life savings into this place. Hubs and I both did.
I can't come to grips with the fact that I was one of those rare people who put myself through school while working full time with no breaks since graduation...for TEN years. No life, no summers, no nothing. I didn't even own my house a year when all this went down. I barely had finished earning my degree. My entire life shut down. Poof! Gone! The End--Sucker!
I can't come to grips with that. I just can't. It's like all my hopes and dreams are just shattered. I feel that God abandoned me a long time ago. I still kept pushing forward like an idiot. No matter how many times I was pushed and kicked. I just got back up and figured it would all work out.
I just can't fool myself anymore. I know one RAD kid can do some damage but calculate 4 RAD kids and a teen. I've had to play electrician, drywall installer, plumber, etc... It's getting to me because my hands don't work much anymore. The simplest things like installing an outlet faceplate brings me to tears.
Every penny I spend to replace something or fix something is just proof positive that I will never have children of my own. Because the money to do that is being wasted. They are destroying things faster than I can fix it. I don't even know how or when. I suspect the stuff I'm finding may have happened b.c. (before cameras) but I'm still dealing with recent stuff that the oldest is doing because she is lazy.
It may seem like I am shallow and throwing one big pity party... but it hurts for me to visit blogs sometimes. I get so happy to see families--successful families, happy times, just glimpses into other people's lives and to know I will never have that. I have been cheated. It hurts and it makes it hard to come back.
I'm just a fool, because even if I could do things differently. I don't know that I would because even though I feel like I am dying inside, I don't think Hubbins or the kids feel that way about the life and home that I am providing. Even though I lose it now and then, I still try to keep things together enough for them.
They all have missed out on so much of the same things I have and I keep trying to make sure that it doesn't completely pass them by. Even that stings a little.
9 comments:
WOW! I am sorry and I so get it. For me it sometimes felt like I was paying the price for someone else's stuff by parenting the RAD that someone else built.
Peace
Im sorry you are down, and I cant say that I blame you at all. You are not throwing a pity party, you have every right and reason to feel as you do. You worked hard for what you have, and it would be very hard to see it being destroyed. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I dont. Hang in there and know that you are doing the right thing, even if it hurts.
Vent away. Why have a blog if you can't use it for self-therapy :) "parenting the RAD that someone else built" I like that. So true.
Thanks guys... I agree with De's comment. I feel like I am paying for being born into the wrong family. I am paying for my Mom's choices, my step family's choices, my sister's choices, my grandparents choices, Hub's family's choices.
I get so tired of always paying while life goes on for everyone else.
I keep trying to rise above it. But they win. I just can't. No matter what I do. I've turned into this person that I just don't recognize.
When do I get to make a real choice? When I'm too old and can't anyway?
How can I stop paying for the choices? I've given up my entire family. I live in fear that something will happen and I will need someone and there's no one. Not a family member, not a friend.
I don't want this for my kids.
I don't think I have anything to say that can help your situation. You aren't alone in how you feel and you are absolutely entitled to vent all you can about it. I am thinking of you and hoping the tides turn for you soon. Best-Dia
Don't apologize for your feelings! You aren't alone in them! I get so much anger inside some days because I see the same things, my house and belongings being destroyed and the little people doing it could care less. They don't care about other people so why in the world would they care about possessions that don't belong to them?? I get so mad at my family members that allowed/created this in the kids. I try to remember that it isn't my kids fault any more than it is mine but it is our world. I look at the broken items (later) and imagine how broken they must be inside. Doesn't always help but some days it does. Keep venting-you have every right! I have 2 RAD kids and can't IMAGINE 4! You are exhausted emotionally and mentally and I don't know if things will get better for you but everyday you give them makes their life better. That counts for something....
I know exactly what you mean. I wanted so much to live out in the country...got my wish, but I forgot to wish for the other things, like a stable family, enough money to pay the bills, and so on. And the not having bio kids, that's a huge thorn. That's one of the things I resent most about DH's bipolar.
I know it's probably a bad time, and don't feel like you have to participate at all (it won't hurt my feelings--I know what you're going through...) but you won an award at my blog.
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