Are They For Real?

Yesterday I went in to make an appointment to see the assistant principal at the public school. I took with me Nancy Thomas' letter to the teacher so that she could read it before we met.

I was scheduled to meet her later on that same day. She didn't show. For the second time in her two year tenure, she's scheduled an appointment with me and didn't show. Instead she had the principal fill in for her.

He had not read the letter. In fact, he adamantly stated he would not read it until I had a letter from the kids doctor saying they had been diagnosed with RAD. Are you flipping out, because I did. Pissed doesn't adequately describe what I felt at that moment. How dare he? I mean, by the number of times he checked his watch, it was clear that I was meant to scoot along quickly.

He went on to say that anyone can turn anything in and say their child has this disorder or that disorder and it not be true. Ok...so I'm a liar and I want my kids to have RAD of all the fucking disorders in the world? Maybe I am taking it too personal. But that letter describes the tip of the iceberg compared to what I go through on a daily basis. That's why every word of it is so important to me.

When I told him they had PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder and if he wanted a copy of their neuropsychological evals. He froze. It seemed he was panicked and asked if the school was meeting their needs in those documented areas. Because see, he either thinks I am stupid or knows I am not. I know how they work.

School is no longer about an education. It's about numbers and funding. I worked for a school district, which was the only school district in the entire town- we had all the schools K-12. I was that person who distributed and collected those special tests for No Child Left Behind. I was the one who worked on Academic Yearly Progress (AYP). I know how "important" these numbers are and how they try to change them up a bit for funding.

I know he needs my kids. He needs them in his special grant programs, he needs them in their desk every morning by a certain time to get funding. He needs to meet the laws that say he needs to accomodate all children because he is a public entity or he's in trouble.

He's just toeing the line, getting by, doing the minimal. I'm disappointed. I thought he was good. I thought he cared and that the kids mattered. But I see he's just trying to keep a job. They've had turn over for so long the kids were surprised to see the same principal this year and asked me if he was supposed to leave yet.

Wanna hear a couple of funny things? After he asks me for paperwork with a diagnosis (which I don't have), he tells me I shouldn't be so free with this "confidential" stuff. I told him that I wasn't seeing that my kids had gone to school there for three years already and this is a first, I don't want my kids to be labeled. I tapped the paper in front of him and I said "This...this is important and I need help. That's why you are seeing it." For those who know me in person, I will rarely ask for help, they know this. (Not to confuse it with any work positions because when it comes to being a manager I am all about delegating and teamwork and open communication.) Only if I am at the end of my rope and have no other choice. It's something I am working on and so far everytime I have asked for help I've been threatened and had the door shut in my face, so to speak. So much for that.

Then he went on to say that he's had interactions with me and knows that I am an honest and straightforward person and that he always knows where I stand.

W.T.F.?

Because if you'll remember "anyone can just say that their kids have whatever disorder" right?

Also, that doesn't butter me up. His summary of me wasn't news to me because that IS who I want to be and what I want people to know about me and who I work to be everyday of my life.

Excuse me, ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, so I have called the psychiatrist and I guess we are going to start the boy on meds for RAD since he isn't sleeping and has the same symptoms as CDQ but he has more violent tendencies. Then I can get him his "diagnosis" and the prinicpal can file it in his confidential area where the sun doesn't shine AFTER he reads it.

Back-To-School Night

Bear with me, I am exhausted, disappointed, pissed off, and in awe. At least those are the feelings I can identify right off the bat.

Tonight was Back-To-School night at the private school. Little did I know it meant it was an "adult" back to school night, as I felt that I had just stepped back into high school.

I was nervous because I was going in this blind. The people who were supposed to help me with the GS thing bailed. Not a biggie but as I drove to the school I wondered, should I have asked council for help? I still don't know the answer but it went well.

As soon as I walked in the school, I saw it. Tight groups of frenemies friends, downward glances, etc... You think I am talking about the kids, don'tcha? Nope. This was an adult affair. Don't bring the kiddos.

I approached the first table and inquired about the GS table. I was immediately told the troop was fullsosorry... Without the "so sorry" part but I guess it was supposed to be implied from the singsong tone. I told her that I was the new troop leader. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe on the otherside." translation:"I'm done with you move on."

No prob, the stench of phony was too stifling for me anyway.

So across the building I go. I find out I need to get my own table. Still no problem. I park myself next to the refreshments thinking I have a prime location anyway.

Here's where I'm gonna be me and just say it. There were a lot of women with sticks lodged so far up their asses they couldn't even talk without a nasal intonation. Me, I prefer to talk, rather than sing and as far as I can tell when I speak, it doesn't look like I am in pain. (Hey, you...the one who is offended by this, look in the mirror because unless I am speaking of you it should not offend. Yep.)

Anyhow, a mother came up to me, asked me about the troop. I told her that I was the new leader. She looked down her long pointed nose at me. I told her that I was in Girl Scouts up until the leader level. (not to mention the fact that I have a few degrees and actual years of work under my belt compared to her hard existence of breathing in and out everyday.)

She asked what days, I told her the day. She said her daughter had gymnastics that day and looked at me like I should offer another day. I said "Too bad" and shrugged my shoulders and turned away to the next person. That's where my feelings of awe come in. I can't believe I did that. I mean, it's how I felt but it was probably unprofessional. But I don't want to deal with that woman. I saw the way she looked down at me.

I've seen those looks. I'm not white. I'm short, I look younger than I am. They think I can be manipulated. They think I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not enough like them. It's not imagined, it's true. I know it because I've lived this over and over again and not because of my own insecurities.

I've always been part of organizations that I shouldn't normally have been able to be part of. I push and I push to elevate myself and make myself involved to make a difference.

When I was in college, I was part of the Honors program. I distinctly remember going to a conference with three other girls. Girls from good families with money. Girls who didn't have to worry about food, tuition, nothing.

I sat in the car with them, one with her Mother Jones magazine talking about her donations and how it pissed her family off that she was so earthy and donating money to people who obviously needed to just get off their asses and do for themselves.

The girl in the backseat next to me agreed with her. They needed to donate to worthy causes because people need *their* help. They make the difference.

This could be true, I didn't care, if they had money to donate...more power to them. But then they started talking about Kosovo.

I didn't know what they were talking about and I distinctly remember being told "what rock are you living under?"

It took all of me not to tell them to fuck themselves because the rock I was living under was a full time grave yard job, multiple tutoring sessions at the college, not to mention the ones I was doing privately, and working for the IT department. Did I mention it was summertime and I was taking 18 units? I got less than two hours of sleep a day. I worried how I was going to help my mom pay the rent and utilities for my three sisters and my niece. I worried about grocery money. I worried about gas and car payments and real life. Kosovo couldn't exist in my world because I was fighting my own war for survival right in front of me.

But what did they know? They had their allowance direct deposited to their checking accounts that had been created long before they could sign their names.

I was reminded of all this tonight as I stood their amongst many phony people. Christians.

Then the sun shone through. I met this incredibly funny and down to Earth mother. She was signing up her daughter and like me she had been a girl scout up until leadership but she had been a leader for two years and she wanted to help!

I talked to her for 45 minutes before she had to go. I was so happy to meet a real person. After she left, the woman selling cards next to me, met my eyes and gave me a look and turned to watch the woman leave. She shook her head and looked back at me as if to say "trainwreck". Why?

It makes me sad. Why do people do these things? I stood there thinking about what a wonderful program GS is and how I just came from meeting so many powerful women at GS training and how, even as corny as it sounds, there is sisterhood and acceptance of everyone.

Maybe that's why the differences were so glaring. It's sad because I think of this great program to empower girls and to motivate them to excel and just open the world to them and then I see how the parents make the school their world and limit them to those walls where they can be special and important by the size of their house or how popular their parents are.

It's just sad. My goal this year is to rock their world. To break down those walls and give my girls in my troop as much of the world that I can. I am going to empower them and give them the knowledge to know the difference.

Wow! Has It Really Been That Long?

These days between blogging sure went by fast!

Well, the first week of school flew by fast. Funny enough the headline in the paper two days after my last post was that the bus agency was going to hire a security guard...go figure. Today when I left to drop the kids off at school the neighborhood kids were still standing out there, when I got back parents were taking them off to school. The bus company out here is the only one and it is independently opened. It sucks.

This morning Hubs got a call 5 minutes after school started. I wasn't quite home yet because we live about 7 minutes away. It was the boy's teacher. The boy said we weren't feeding him. He wanted to go to the cafeteria. I can think of some choice words to post here because of my anger. Hubs was even more pissed since he sits with them and watches them eat, trying to teach them to eat like civilized people and not like animals. Literally. If only you knew. Those with RAD kids know the grossness I am talking about.

At any rate, I started this post 4 hours ago. I thought I'd pop into my website account with The Oldest's School (where I am a troop leader) and add some Girl Scout Information, that was hours ago and I finally got a rough outline going of what I want. sheesh!

Back to school night is (now)tonight. I will be meeting parents as a GS leader for the first time. *blankly staring around the room* I hope I don't do that tonight. lol

I'll have to update about the house another time. Also, about Poufy's doctor appointment today. She may have Grave's Disease or Hashimoto's something or other. I'm not going to stress until her bloodtests come back.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Someone should've thought've this beforehand... UPDATED

Someone please explain to me how you (being they) have the whole summer to get your ducks in a row yet we (meaning me) get a phone call at 6 am telling us the first day of school will be delayed 2 hours because the buses are having issues. (this after I just found out they moved the school time to start at 9 am and end at 4 pm.)

All summer to fix the buses yet the morning of the first day of school. "Oopsies, bus isn't running so let's just start school later! See ya!"

Really what kind of message does that send our kids? Or more importantly what does that do to the hundreds of parents (me) who have planned this day ohsocarefully for three months?

My kids don't even ride the bus.

I guess other then the stress of trying to get ahold of the Realtor to reschedule the writing of the offer (which must be written today!) I've been spoiled by the Oldest's school. See, they are having a two hour delay in September. They've already let me know...last week. Plus, because they know what kind of hardship it can be for some parents they are offering free before school care for everyone.

That's what I call cool.



********Ok, so yet another year has gone by where the buses have been vandalized damaged. You would think they would put a guard or some kind of security out no? That's why school is late. But on the other hand it worked out better to meet the realtor because he wanted to touch base with the selling realtor before meeting with us.

On another note, this house thing is driving me up the wall. I don't remember stressing over the purchase of this house or the sale of Hubs house to move out here. I remember relief and happiness. lol Of course, his house sold literally the minute it went on the market. It sold the night before it was to be listed to the first person who saw it. I hope that happens again. lol

Anyway, that's where we are at. It also looks like Hubs and I might be able to go out for some brunch or something before the meeting. *sigh*

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to school they go!

Whoo Hoo! First day of school, FINALLY! *doing the happy dance* We survived!

After all the kiddos have been pushed out to the curb dropped off at school, Hubs and I drive onward to the realtors to draw up our offer for THE house. No, not putting much pressure on this particular house but oh would it be a miracle if they accept our offer.

I've pretty much talked myself out of it so much that I've already started looking for other houses. I can't find one with enough bedrooms. Every kid definitely needs their own room out of necessity, not want. I'm convinced it will cut down at least 50% of the BS going on around here.

At any rate, my nerves are racing to the point of aggravation because it's taking me forever to get anything done around the house since I want to keep running back here to my laptop to "just" check out this article or to reword my search for a new home for the gazillionth time. I have to keep putting myself in check and reminding myself there will be no other home if I don't get this home ready and sold. I have about a week to get it show ready. I think.

By the way, it is so frickin cold here I don't know whether to be happy or sad. First it was too hot, then it was beautiful and perfect and now? Should I dare say it, it's cold. But wait, if I got off my butt and quit googling and did some of the work I needed to around here I probably wouldn't be so darn cold.

Oh, and I am livid about my stupid budget. The healthy, not in need of any extra care or understanding of others needs have decided they are shifting people to another care option and until they figure out how to write a letter (from what I could gather) all initial care budgets are on hold. So we've been put on hold. They tell us until Tuesday and then we can play the waiting game while they sift through all the paper that has been sitting on their desk for three months waiting for this letter. Really, three.months.today. I've been laid off for three months. These people are unbelievable because think about it... If it weren't Hubs I was taking care of, what person could really wait three months for a budget?

Even I shouldn't have waited three months. If they don't have an answer by Tuesday I am going to have to go out and get a job where I leave my house and work certain evening or grave yard hours. I know most people do this (work outside the home) and I did for almost half of my life.

But it's stressful because if Hubs has issues (which he does everyday, it's a rare day when he's "good") I'm not here to correct it right away. Which it all needs to be corrected right away or he could die from a stroke brought on by autonomic dysreflexia. Plus, when I leave for a couple of hours to run errands (groceries, prescriptions, bank, etc...) the kids go haywire and the schedule just does not work. Hubs can't keep them under control. I come home and the next thing I know everyone's been grounded until they are 18. lol

So yes, very stressful. Not to mention, when would I sleep?

I'm afraid to start my consulting business up so soon because it will be like "Hey! I'm here for you when ever you want"... One month later, "uh, I gotta move, can't help you with that. Sowwy! " Not good for business.

Plus, what if there isn't any work in consulting any more?

ARGH! I feel my hair losing color as I type!

Have a good week everyone!

The Engineer's Guide to Cats

Enjoy!

Sometimes She Surprises Me

I was separating the kids new school supplies according to lists and such. When The Oldest came out and started reading all the supplies they needed. She was astounded by it all and my personal stash of school supplies that I pull out this time of the year.

I guess she didn't realize how much I was doing for her as well until she saw me in action. Typically, they are in bed already when I do this and they just take their supply filled backpacks to school where the teachers empty them out for them.

She surprised me because she asked me "How can you do all this? How can you buy them all this stuff and just be around them with the way they act and the way they treat you?" I was thrown off guard because my mind was immersed in spiral notebooks and blue pens NOT black so I asked her to clarify.

She said " I don't understand how you can keep going, being stuck with them all the time and how bad and mean they are. I'm not with them all the time and I can't stand them. I feel bad when I see them being bad and treating you bad."

Definitely news to me because up until school started for her she was hatin' on me too. I didn't know what to say so I just shrugged my shoulders and told her to pass me a glue stick.