Family- What it's not...

(FYI-I say bad words in this one...)

The topic of family is a definite trigger for me. Uncontrollable tears, tightness in my chest, burning in my cheeks.  Those are some of the physical manifestations. Inside I have to work on identifying what it all means because I feel like my mind is blowing things way out of proportion...maybe...

I really don't have family. In name sure, but true blue family...no. I glean most of what I know about families in the blogs I read.  I'm trying to make a family for my children. The oldest and I have several interesting conversations and epiphanies about family.

I've found myself saying more and more "maybe that's what families do" and then we both sit in contemplative silence.

This is my experience with family. Currently, my mother is mooching off of me. She is living it up and even though I have told her to leave, she won't.  Lovely, eh?  I made a huge mistake and I know if she were to read this she would be hurt and angry but, frankly, I am tired of protecting HER feelings.  I am tired of being the parent.

My grandmother, probably the closest thing to true family I have. She has dementia...she has good days far and in-between. Her children are assholes.  I'm thinking of getting a lawyer involved. My grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 50 years. She found her way to me and made me her power of attorney for everything before she went downhill (and let me add, she is not totally mentally gone). Her husband robbed her accounts blind to support his gambling addiction. Her children called adult protective services (APS) and accused my mother of kidnapping my grandmother and of stealing her money. APS came and investigated and found a victim of domestic violence and wrote my grandmother a letter asking her to take out a restraining order against her husband and her eldest son. Her medical doctor told her to get a divorce. I didn't  move on it because they seemed to be leaving her alone and the stress exacerbates my grandmother's dementia. She starts to feel unsafe and says she sees men in my windows or at my doors.  I don't want her to be scared.

One of her daughters is being an asswipe. Her father keeps calling her and telling her he needs money. She wants my grandmother to go back home and give her father her money so he will leave her alone. That's all I can get from it. She doesn't want to reach into her pocket and give him money. She has called and threatened the youngest child, a boy who is 45 and has lived in my grandparents home caring for my grandmother for all his life. He is finally living and just married and has a family and this daughter, his sister is giving him guilt trips.

She's overlooking all the abuse and urging my grandmother to go back. My grandmother has flat out said no, but she doesn't stop. My mom asked her three times to stop because my grandmother has had nightmares and episodes. At first we didn't know what it was but my grandmother checks out when she speaks to this daughter or she immediately starts seeing strange men. I get the feeling she thinks my grandfather is going to show up. The other thing that happens is she'll start imagining a man who treats her right and loves her and takes her dancing, etc... all the things she didn't have.

Anyhow, there are three children who are fine and speak to my grandmother and are cautious about her condition and truly want the best for HER. Then there are three children who quiet frankly are abusive: one has already stolen money from her, the other only cares truly about himself as does the last one.

In my own life those three have mentally abused me as a child as well. They are really good at it.

I don't want to keep them away from their mother. But SHE is more important to me then they are and SHE chose ME, she came to ME. They don't know this.  They keep trying to get my mom in trouble thinking that is going to make a difference. I'm sick of the damn hinting around that her money is being used inappropriately. It's like that is all their mother is to them, a fucking bank account.

I'm thinking I need a lawyer or doctor or both involved who sets the boundaries of what they can talk about.  It's so ridiculous that they can't see beyond themselves and see what they are doing to their mother.

I always thought I would marry into family. You know, once I got married, I would finally have a family. I thought that was going to be good.  My husband's family seemed like a tight knit family and did lots of things together. It just turned out to be at my husband's expense.

But somewhere along the line, I got blamed for my husband's emancipation. Being totally disabled, he couldn't rock the boat because he had no where else to go. When I came along, I saw that he never stood up for himself. I encouraged it in him. Even against me.  He wasn't strong enough and I allowed him to use my strength in the beginning to stand up for himself. By this, I mean, his sister's confronted him and even though I thought I had no business being there, he asked me to stay for support and I did. So now I am everything that is evil. I took their brother from them. I control him and don't let them see or speak to him, etc...

I'm proud of my husband. He did some hard work and he let go of toxic people. He does it easier then I do. Where I waver, he is stronger and makes up his mind. He let go of friends that weren't really friends. People who had used him. One of those people contacted him last week. When I opened the letter for my husband there was handwriting on the opposite of a typed note. I saw my name.  The handwritten note was meant for me and it pissed me off.

The writer is not what pissed me off but the implications. He had spoken to the family and I guess they had shit to say. Primarily...I turned my husband....are you ready for this.... CATHOLIC. Holy hell, huh?  Forget drugs, forget brainwashing....really....Catholic, huh?

Those who have followed my blog for some time....are you chuckling? Because I have never pushed my religion on anyone and I have had so many run ins with the catholic church and God only knows how often I question everything and I have lost my faith these last couple of years. I have been the one to waver, while my husband,who had already been raised Catholic, made that decision totally on his own. My struggles with religion are all over this blog. But I guess they wouldn't know that since it's better to have someone to point the finger to.

I never did anything to these people. I saw an e-mail from his sister before imploring me to read something to him...what he can't read? Or starting an e-mail that says, we don't even know if you are still alive...the fuck? Really?

My husband is 45. He has full access to a phone and e-mail. Truth be told. I was the one asking if he had heard from his family, or if he had called his father.  I just recently, like last week when that letter came, decided that my husband is a big boy and I am going to stop trying to make things better between them. He obviously knows them better than I do and I should trust his judgement.

But really... I am the cause and the end all? W.T.F?

I sit and I think if I were just me all this bullshit aside, what problems do I have? Health? This life exacerbates it....but what about this life? I don't have any shit. Truly.   Hubbin's family...so not my problem, my grandmother's children...not my problem... My mother's bs...not my problem.  I'm good to go if all these people take their fucking drama and shove it?

I have been holding on to this anger and this bullshit for so long. That's part of why I am sick. These things can take a good day and bring me to my knees in seconds.

This is not family. Which brings me back to my original point. I keep telling my kids, this is not family. But I lack the skills to show them more. What true families are. So I tell them about the families I read about and I tell them to learn that this is not the way. I tell them to want something more.  I don't know if it will work. I've always wanted something more...

Sometimes I worry that showing them what other families do or how they are that they will feel helpless and cheated and might just give up. I feel like that when I am around my so called family.  I can't explain to them how they are already better. Yes, they have RAD and that makes the whole family thing really hard at times because of the vulnerability required but I try to emphasize the safety and the lack of judgement. This whole thing with CDQ has made it really hard to forge forward.

I thought the kids were worried about being removed from my home, but the oldest told me that it wasn't home they were worried about it was about being separated from me.  Wow.

She couldn't look at me when she said it and I had to look away.  This has been the longest they have ever been in one place. This is home.  That is incredible. When I think about it, no matter what all those other people project, us 6,  as broken as we all are we are family...the right kind of family.

Thank you for reading my vent. I really need to get all that crap out and that's only the half of it. Maybe I should do this more often. lol!

Bottom line, My husband and I and our children...we are the best family we know how to be. We might not get to those levels that other families are at but I'm hoping the things we have tried to instill in our children will stick and get the ball rolling in the right direction for future generations.

Sexuality

My kids are getting older and puberty has definitely set up shop in my home.

One of my kids is on the fence.

The fence, you say?

One of my kids is incredibly confused because that child likes girls and boys. Is that a surprise to me...no. I have an idea about a couple of my kids but do I know for sure what that outcome will be...no.

Apparently, that led a couple of the siblings to fight dirty using sexuality to bully and belittle said child.

All my children already suffer from self esteem and self image issues.

*sigh*

This was tough.  We addressed the bullying.  We also addressed the sexuality issue. I will not stand for any bashing or any discrimination of any kind. I don't understand what there is to "tolerate".  We are all God's children and he made us in His image. We are to celebrate our differences and as long as we aren't hurting others we are good to go. The. End.

I know that is not how "others" think. I know that some people are confused and think they are God and they sit in judgement and think THEY can offer salvation...really...

The hard part was putting my finger on what exactly was going on.  I didn't want to come out and say if so and so likes the same sex then that's all right.

Why I didn't want to do that? If it wasn't true I didn't want to box said child in, especially if the child is confused or being told those things to try and humiliate said child.

At a loss, I sort of put the child on the spot. I asked if the child thought physical things about the same sex (attraction)  or maybe if they just thought the other person looked nice or liked something about that person that maybe they wanted to emulate.

I also explained to the child that I wasn't intending to put anyone on the spot and I explained how I just needed to know a little more information before I said what I had to say because I didn't want to be a jackass and go off on an assumption and be totally off the mark.

Said child told me there is an attraction to both sexes. I said that was fine and then I went on to say what I had to say.  We talked about why people feel the way they do about certain topics and if they thought it was ok to treat people badly because of their own insecurities (because God KNOWS we get that here in RADville).  We had a long discussion about fear and hate.  I think we left the table with a better understanding of others and I don't think we will have to revisit the topic. I also sense there was a release for said child because there was a change in the face and the child's hunched posture. I do believe this child and myself have many conversations in store for us in the future. But I will have to be patient and let the child go through whatever it is that is happening while still keeping a close eye.

I just worry I'll mess it up. I've heard so many horror stories of gay children who have come out and who have been beaten and disowned.  Others have run away rather than come out and ended up in situations none of us want our children in.  My children have nothing to fear but I don't know how to make sure they know that without a shadow of a doubt. I am their biggest supporter. Since things were so hidden and secretive I worry this child will hold it inside for fear of being rejected. It's par for the course in RAD children.

If any of my children are gay, I have no problem with that. It makes no difference to me. I just want them to be in healthy, loving relationships; Not the "relationship" they witnessed in their parents. I won't say that I'm not worried. I know how cruel the world is and I can only begin to imagine the hatred and the fear my child/ren is/are going to encounter.  I also know who I am and how sorry whoever F$%^# with my kids will be. RA or not...

Yep, I'm THAT mom and I'm equal opportunity. LOL

If only we could keep them in our own little worlds, right?

Tears of a Clown

Monday was the second team meeting for CDQ's treatment plan.

Here I was getting excited. Not because anything big had happened but that damn thing called HOPE had come back into the picture.

These people are set-UP! They got it together, they have support systems, they have the therapist, they have it all... I felt like we were all on the same page.

Where the hell were they 5 years ago? :-(

I had a voice today and oddly enough, even though I fell apart...no flare (yet? maybe) It was starting to feel good. CDQ was running through her typical motions but I felt even though these people had to go through it all too, it was going to be a good thing. We agree on treatment centers being less than helpful as far as structure and appropriateness. We agree on dress code.

They are doing all the things I already tried. They are experiencing the things that we have already....it's like deja vu, but it's happening to them instead of us. I'm not worried because they have a support system, EVERYONE is behind them.

Jealous... yeah, a little.

There is extreme concern at this time about her disassociating. The concern is that she will split personalities. She hasn't done that yet. But the frequency and ease of her checking out is startling to her therapist, more so then her antisocial diagnosis (well not a diagnosis because that can't be done officially until the age of 15 at the earliest) so I guess symptoms? Tendencies?

But the bomb dropped at the end of the session, by the way this is all via phone,  the foster father wanted me to know that CDQ already was set in her mind that she was never coming home.  Never.  The foster mother confirmed it. The case worker said that CDQ had been surprised to see my signature on the forms and to know that I was still involved. The foster father felt it was important I know this because he said they cared about me and they could hear things in my voice.   The foster parents, the case worker and the therapist all agreed, there was something I needed to do and that revealing this would be what I needed.

They told me I had to do the work first, I don't understand and I was crying and couldn't speak to ask what the work was but the idea is that I need to get help so I can help my family during and after the dissolution.

Dissolution.

I've said it, I've written about it but I've never truly been committed to it.

Three weeks ago, the case worker said she didn't think we were there yet. She thought there might be something they could do. That's when hope snuck in.

I hear what's being said. My family and I need help, we need counseling. CDQ is an abuser. In the eyes of my other children she is just like their parents and the others who have hurt them.  They are living in fear that CDQ will tell lies and they will be taken from us. They are still living in fear even though she is gone.

It has to end because if it doesn't they will never feel safe.

They (her treatment team) agree CDQ is never coming home.

All those people, I couldn't deny it.

We said our goodbyes and about 15 minutes later I lost it. I told Hubbins it felt like she has died.  She's not the same child I remember. Yes, she had problems but she had happy times. She wasn't so lost. I can still see her smile, I can see her in her little t-ball uniform. I can see her singing in her school assembly.  I have moments I've committed to memory of all my children.  A lot of firsts, a lot of actual family moments.  I remember even if she doesn't.

It's mourning in such a twisted way.  But when I think of what I am doing to my family by continuing to live in denial I can't decide which is more twisted.  

Always Missed

Every year I write this post in memory of my friend Karlton Taylor. He died on this day in 1999 in a car crash. I'm not sure anyone understands why I do this. I don't know that I understand it completely. I promised I would tell the world that he was a man of integrity and a man who kept his word.  But it's more than that.

I learned so many things about myself through Karlton's persistence.  I'm the person I am today because of him.  I don't know where I would be if I had never met him. Still behind a wall of my own making. I fight with myself over that wall.

Every now and then I start to rebuild the wall.  I start to push people away because it's too much to bear. Sometimes I remember it's because of Karlton's help with knocking that wall down that I was able to know him and to know my Hubbins and let him in.  I don't think people can handle my life and I can't be phony about it either.

My life sucks. I'm floating and carrying it all and trying to live the whole "fake it until I make it". I know things are better now, I know they can be worse. But I am so tired and people expect sooo much from me. They think I am invincible. They tell me I'm awesome and I'm a survivor and they think I am Superwoman. But I'm not, I'm falling apart inside and the little I do let pass my lips seems to fall on deaf ears. Even though I am doing much better, I. AM. STILL. SICK.  I always will be. It is what it is.  I know I shouldn't be pushing myself, I know that all my problems, health wise, are of my own making...I'm too proud to say that it's too much right now. Maybe it's the fear that this healing will reverse itself and I feel I need to push myself now before it's too late.  I don't know.

I need my friend.

I need my friend who heard me, truly heard me and let me be myself. Who didn't let my troubles make him feel uncomfortable around me. Who understood it was a process and no words were truly needed.

There are so many things I want to ask him. I can only imagine how his family feels having lost him, his children...do they feel the same way I do? Do they wonder what their father would say or do or think?

Some people might think I've transformed him into this perfect person. Believe me, I haven't.

He was a genuinely honest and trustworthy person who truly cared about others. He was a family man who was totally devoted to his wife and children. He was also devoted to God and always strived to do the right thing.  He spent his time building others up and helping others in any way he could. He always wanted the best for everyone whether he knew them or not.  He was a happy person who loved to serve God.

I know he's in Heaven. I know he deserves to be there.  He met his obligations, I just wish he hadn't been in such a hurry to do it.  I hope his family is well and that they've never needed for anything. I pray for this day to be a day of remembrance for them and not a day of pain. I want the happiness for them that Karlton wanted for them.  I hope they know how important their Dad was that God needed his help earlier than most and I hope they are able to cope with it better than I have. I hope their lives are filled with people like their father who are guiding them and supporting them and loving them as much as their father did.

RIP- Karlton you will always be missed...

Life as I know it...

has been rough.  If I'm brutally honest...beyond rough.

I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown today on the way home from my midterm. I know something is wrong. People keep telling me to let things go, to not worry about things I can't change.  I understand that and I also understand I have PTSD which renders me pretty much useless and powerless.

I got lost on the way home. The magnitude of this is that there  are only three streets involved on my way home from school. One the road the school is on, two the long stretch of road that leads to three the road my house is off of.  I. GOT. LOST.  and I was too proud and too busy losing it to call home and ask, that and I didn't know where the hell I was to even ask.

I got home and I didn't say a word to anyone at first, but then I heard my Mom telling my grandmother I had a hard day at school, except it wasn't a hard day at school. It was a hard day at life.  School is a lot but it's not hard.  Truly, it's not. My other degree was much harder. But I'm still messing up. Why?

I'll tell you, but first you must know this is not an excuse.

Stuff has been going on with CDQs placement.  Insurance has decided she's ready to be moved, the center does not believe she should come home, ever.  I've resolved myself to the latter. To quote her therapist, "CDQ is CDQ and she will be that way forever." I called him Friday and I got the sense that he has moved on and didn't want to even spend the time to talk to me.  In my selfish modes, I mourn the loss of a very hurt and disturbed child. She doesn't know what she's doing etc...In my reality modes,  my kids don't feel safe and don't want her back.  Life would be unbearable  and unsafe for them if she comes back. I understand it, but I don't know how it's so easy for them to let go. I talk so much crap to myself about CDQ to try to make myself mad enough about all this to separate, but it doesn't work.  I've failed her. In my fantasy mode, CDQ gets what she wants from another family, life with us was too unbearable for her, too many reminders of the past and through strangers she is ready to move on.  She succeeds, she makes it out.

PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia are a bunch of bitches and they are out to get me.

School is not going well because every time I get back on my feet and I convince myself everything is going to be ok. I get a call and a call leads to a flare and a flare leads to more aggressive acupuncture treatments, which start me on a PTSD episode of remembering my traumas that led me to all this and the worst of my flares. I'm to the point that as soon as I hear there was a call, my stomach drops and my mind goes blank and I can't keep a thought in my head. I can't form a sentence. I can't remember what someone said to me or if I am about to answer them- what I was going to say. I can't think. It's like I've checked out and have become catatonic. It takes weeks for me to recover. My Doctor says I am doing better because I am bouncing back quicker but I can't take the ups and downs. It's a total mind$%^&.  It truly is.

In terms of school, here I am in what may be the easiest classes since Music Appreciation.  Classes that rely on memorization. No math, no true independent thought needed, just regurgitation and I can't remember my name. It's not test anxiety, I'm not stressed because of school. I actually do know my stuff, I just can't pull it out when I'm in this state.

It's not just school, it's life. I can't remember chunks of time and I'm flashing back to 10-13 years ago when I realized my own abuses and I'm thinking I had these moments where I left myself. I'm thinking that day in the doctor's office when I read that pamphlet on sexual abuse and realized I was a victim, that day I went numb and the Doctor made up stuff to have me sent to ER by ambulance...I'm thinking that is what this is.

I'm thinking all those years in my childhood I can't account for, what's happening now...it's how I coped then. The only difference is both those times I had no one.  This time I have a concerned Husband, Doctor and children who are reminding and bringing to my attention that I am missing chunks and that I can't communicate. Before, as a child, I was called shy. As a young woman, I was called stuck up because I didn't have words.

I lose my words.

Yesterday I found out that CDQ is going to be moved into treatment foster care.  We may be charged with a felony- child abandonment. This stresses me out. I have never been in trouble before for anything. We will be starting the dissolution process. It sounds like we will be investigated. I'm trying to hand it to God but my mind won't let me.

More importantly, CDQ has started to show her true colors at the treatment center she is in now.  The woman I talked ( possibly CDQ's last ally) to can't believe the behaviors she's seeing now and said she has no idea where CDQ gets her stamina from.  CDQ is screaming at them that she did this to me and she's going to do it there too.  It seems they are finally getting somewhere and the insurance is going to ruin that.

Ok, I'm sure things are hard to understand here. I've been trying really hard to be clear but....well it is what it is. This is the reality.

 

Sweet Relief

As I sat there with needles in me and my pain subsided...all I could think is: "This feels like quiet".  Everything that was raging in me was calm.

I knew before he came back things were bad. I knew something had switched in me. New symptoms.  I wasn't surprised when I got a new herb formula.  Which made my thoughts about having shared the name of my current herb formula on here worthless.

The reason why some herbs work for some and others don't is because of our body constitution. Although we may have the same manifestation of symptoms, there are different causes for them and those are what need to be treated.

Today I start a different herb. I also thought the last herb was working so well and I started to feel if I just had the herb I could get by. But I now know it's not true. The unity of herbs and acupuncture is definitely a necessity. You can't have one without the other and believe it will still work. It won't. I found out the painful way.

What I'm currently working on?

Putting me first.

If last week wasn't a huge glaring example of how important it is or what value I need to place on myself...then I don't know what I'm going to need to make me realize that putting myself first isn't a want but a need.

RA Reality

I'm watching the hot air balloons from my bed.  It's Balloon Fiesta time.  I'm flaring. I've been flaring since thursday night.  Fingers, wrists, arms, and my left knee. I woke up friday at about 1:30 am and I immediately wanted to die.  I laid still for four hours in agony before I had the courage to move a muscle.

I had a dream last night. Someone asked me what was on my knee. I looked and said what do you mean? Because it was just my knee.."right there"...the person said.  I looked again puzzled until the person reached over and touched my knee. Um, THAT IS my knee.  Then I woke up.  Not a big deal to others but to me... I looked down and saw my knee for the first time the way other people might see my knee. If they were to see it because honestly, this summer has been all about the layers for me. My thermals never even got put away this year, neither did my sweats.

I don't need to question why this happened. It's been coming on. I just didn't take care of myself. I didn't make myself a priority. I ran from appointment to appointment for other people. I let the news of CDQ bring me to the ground, I lied to myself about the little signs my body was giving me that I was backpedaling and I held it all inside.  I took a day off from school telling everyone I just needed the time to study but the truth was my body couldn't do it. My mind couldn't hold anything.

I took two 800mg ibuprofen and I dragged myself to school yesterday.  8 am- 6:30 pm. Usually, the ibuprofen takes care of my RA pain but I could still feel my wrists and knee. My fibro pain is always there when I'm like this. I sat through 3 tests with fibro fog and I did two labs with arms that shook and stiff fingers. I forced myself to prepare slides and to pinch droppers and gently lay coverslips. I turned small microscope knobs that required more precise hands then my own. I laid out bones that kept falling from my hands. I fought the fatigue I was already feeling before I even took the ibuprofen (which just compounded my need for rest).

At first, I couldn't get a grip (both literally and figuratively). I have Anatomy lab first thing in the morning.  That's where I was laying out the bones. I did the spinal column while my group gossiped about fake nails and I was working the ribs when they stopped and stared at me. I wasn't talking. I had divided up all the ribs and was getting ready to put it together. I don't know if they had said something to me or what happened. I looked at them and I told them I was sick.  There was mention of contagion and I told them I had RA. They still kept going on and on, so I clarified, Rheumatoid Arthritis is NOT contagious but they gathered up all my separated bones. I say my bones because they hadn't touched them to take them out, sort them or do anything... They packed them up and they packed their stuff and they left. Faster then I could turn the page in my book.   I didn't much feel like lifting the totes and taking it all out again, so I packed up my stuff and left too. I held back the tears as I got on the fucking elevator because I can't take the two flights of stairs. Really, in the big scheme of things...this is nothing...it's nothing....but it still hurts. I know even in my drugged up fibro fog state I still had more brain cells working then all three of those girls put together but still... I moved on to the next campus, next class... thinking about the state of things and just how fucked we all are if these are our "nurses of tomorrow"...

Needless to say I didn't do very well on any of my tests yesterday. One was a make up test from the previously missed class. It was me and another girl taking the test. The teacher offered to grade our scantrons on the spot. We were both apprehensive when he ran them through...lots of noise isn't good. lol

We got them back and they were all marked up. The girl asked if we needed to give them back so he could record the score but he said we both got the same score so it didn't matter. I have no idea why but I was so happy I had got any right and that we got the SAME score (how stupid could I be then???). I lifted my claw hand and said "HEY! High five!" and the girl did, gently!!! LOL!  I don't think our teacher was amused. LOL!

Ah, wrote all that this morning, probably had more to say but my hands are worse now. So glad I have an 8 am acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sweet immediate relief. I know as soon as those needles go in it will be all good.

I'm also going to get over myself. I am going to take up my acupuncturist's offer of coming in and getting needles and basically taking them with me.  I was worried about attention from having needles in me as I went through part of my day but at this moment, in this flare, I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.

Tomorrow will be better. I just know.