Have you seen her?

Missing coolest sisa ever! 

This is my big sisa Scrawnie.  Isn't she super cool?

This is me- Lil Miss Purries.  I'm looking for Scrawnie.  I thought she might be here behind the snuggle because it smells so good. I know she doesn't mean to, but a lot of the times she just disappears on me.  I try very hard to keep track of her and watch her every move but she's so stealthy I find that she's gone in the blink of an eye. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.

Our Great-Nana thought that I was Scrawnie's daughter. I thought that was soooo awesome and as you can see from Scrawn's pic below, she thought it was soooo awesome too. In fact, she even was at a loss for meows over it.

She thinks what? 

Our little sisa Smudge (below) says that she can't quite put her paw on it, but she thinks there's something definitely wrong with Scrawnie. Secretly, I think Smudge is just jealous.

She's the one who told me to look for Scrawn in the 'puter.  She always has her eye on everyone.  Sometimes she'll tell me where Scrawn is and other times she'll just give me her stink eye when Mom's not looking.

I'm gonna keep lookin' for her. If you see her around would you let her know her identical twin is looking for her. She'll know who your talking about. 

Toodles! 

LMP

Underroos

I have so many things to talk about.

My visit to the yoga center that helped eliminate my worst pain that I've had for over a year, in under an hour.  No.shit. (sorry about the language but it's THAT incredible.)

The Free Bryan Post seminar- one word...awesome!

But instead I am going to talk about my near mini break down in the boys underwear  aisle in a certain store thats open 24 hours.

Tonight was the start of our tax free holiday weekend. For the first time ever, I decided to go in the middle of the night because it is a zoo during the day.  So at midnight my mom and I headed over.

This is when I stock up on school supplies and buy the kids their new clothes. Socks, undies, bras, jeans, shoes. You name it.

So. I'm in the boys sock and underwear aisle and I'm looking through all the spidey, sponge bob, nemo, toy story, transformers underwear when I realize I can't find a size 10. The boy has been wearing an 8 and I wanted to buy the next size up. So I flip a package over and freeze.

It says they only go up to size 8.

Now, I'm hoping flo is coming for a visit or something because I got sentimental. Yep. Over the boys undies. He was 4 when he was placed with us and for some reason that I hadn't realized before, I was very careful about the underwear I chose for him.  It was like something special because I was able to combine something he needed with something he liked and I had suspicions that the underwear were a BIG deal to him.

Ok, quick story...I know the underwear were a big deal to him because he had bragged about them and how the other kids were going to think they were cool and we had a conversation about under clothes being, well you know, under.  He had wanted to take them for show and tell to preschool. Unfortunately, I can't remember if I let him or not. lol!

Anyway, as I stood there devastated, I started to think about how much he's grown and how stupid his egg donor is for not caring enough to make sure he was safe and taken care of and all the stuff she's missed/missing out on and I started to get teary eyed.


Yeesh. I know.

Weird-O! right?

I grabbed a package of size 8 Transformers underwear for old times sake and then I grabbed a package of the medium plain white underwear.

Yet another milestone in our home. No more little ones...  a bittersweet day it is...

Free Bryan Post Seminar AUGUST 5th

Just found out about this like 10 minutes ago and wanted to pass it on. 


FREE SEMINAR


https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/937083354


Understanding the Stress Model 101: How this simple theortical model is transforming how we approach problem behaviors


The seminar is for the 5th at night. 


Good Luck! 

Toothfairy fail!

Apparently in all my introspection, I totally forgot the boy lost a tooth yesterday.  UGH!

Truth be told, I totally suck at the toothfairy position.  In fairness to me, I had just retrieved a tooth the night before last, that time being Poufy who lost a tooth.  I guess I was patting myself on the back for remembering just a little too soon.

When the kids first came, we did the whole under your pillow thing.  But do you know how hard it is to be the toothfairy to hypervigilant kids? They are always and I mean ALWAYS at the ready. Eyes popping open at the slightest sound and nothing like a shadow of an adult hovering over the bed to send them into regression.  *shaking head*

Oh and God knows what you're the toothfairy is sticking her hands into trying to retrieve the tooth.

And I haven't even mentioned how dense I was when it came to door alarms. They were all inside the doors. Eventually I read someone's blog that said they were installed on the outside of the door. *doh!*

So we decided it would be easier for the toothfairy to have access to all lost teeth right at the front door. That way she wasn't trying to figure out who is who and in what room, etc... and the kids wouldn't be scared out of their mind if they *happened* to see her delivering the goods, because at the front door they couldn't see her.

So up the toothfairy pillow went around the doorknob. It all seemed so foolproof...after all the toothfairy couldn't help but see the pillow hanging there, right? Especially when she checked to see if all the doors were locked at night.

So fast forward to this morning.  The boy comes in and asks me if he can check the toothfairy pillow. Suddenly, I heard the sound of the front door being locked last night, except it wasn't me who locked it. It was my mother.  I played dumb (which isn't hard for me to do) and started asking if the oldest had fed the dogs, pretending that he had asked me if he could give the dogs water.  On and on I went ending, with "No, the dogs need more time to eat before you can give them water. Just wait in your room."

Almost always he would have just gone. But this week we've been focusing on asking for what it is you need or want instead of lying or being silent about it.

Figures.

So he looks at me like I must've gone stupid in the past 5 minutes and says: "But I asked if I could check the toothfairy pillow."

ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt!

So I quickly said "No, I told you to wait in your room."

Slick huh? lol

So he goes off- quite obviously confused.  Poor kid, when he goes back to therapy he'll have to add that to the list.  I can see it now.

"I dunno, *palms in the air, shoulders shrugging* she just told me to go to my room. But she told me to ask for what I wanted...and then BAM!  *in a small voice* she said no."

I'm an awful mother aren't I?

As soon as he was in his room, I dashed to the front door and did the switch under the watchful gaze of my mother who just shook her head at me.

And now to figure out how to say he can check the pillow without being too obvious to the older kids.

My work is never done. :-)

Getting Back to Good...

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself. Who I was and who I have become now are two different people. I'm not happy with who I have become. I've never been so insecure and complaisant.  I've never been a quitter but in a sense, I have quit.

I have several posts in drafts that never seem to make it on here. I don't really like my writing anymore. It's rushed and jumbled just like all the other thoughts in my head.  My mind has raced for as long as I can remember, but the parts where I can't remember things or form a sentence are new.

Last week, while I was out grocery shopping, my mom had a free reading of her aura done.  She insisted I give it a try. I sat down and said nothing as the woman went through my reading. She showed me where the colors insisted I had strong ideas of how the world and things are supposed to be (check). She told me that I loved to love people (hmmm....).  She told me I had a good heart and was a person who liked to laugh but hadn't been able to in a long time.  She showed me all the black and told me it represented people who were against me and suppressing my joy and happiness.  She told me I was under a huge amount of stress and asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. At the time, nothing was wrong.

I decided to confide some of my stress because in the background my mother and grandmother were arguing behind me in spanish loudly. For some reason my grandmother decided it was ok to spit anywhere now. UGH.

So my mom was disgusted (of course). I was embarrassed, but c'est la vie. I mean what can I do but clean up and apologize?  Anyhow, I got that look and I realized that is part of my problem.  I will never be just a mom like everyone else.  Or even just a person.  Even though I have aged so much in the last 4 years, I still look younger than I am. I am that poor girl with the jacked up family. I get pity stares because of my life. The woman asked if she could give me a hug and she whispered in my ear that she thinks she can help me.

I didn't feel this bad about my life when everything started.  I didn't realize it was person after person who made me feel bad about my life.  Made me feel like I've wasted my life.  I had so much potential and this was what I was doing with it. As if this was a bad word.  

It was me...past tense.

I fell into it and I fell apart.  I wanted more but I gave less.

I fell into the pity party because every time I tried to pick myself up, I got kicked back down again and it started to take me longer and longer to get back up.  RA was the last straw because I felt even God was kicking me when I was down.

Last night and all day yesterday I had a major flare up.  It was my fault. I've been in denial about the RA and wasn't taking my pills.  I screwed myself.  As I laid in my recliner trying to breathe, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to take from all of this.  What was my lesson?  

I forced myself to do things,  my mom drove me so I could go grocery shopping. On the way there, the window had been down and my hair had blown across my face with one strand teasing across my forehead causing it to itch almost unbearably. I tried to make a joke of it because I was afraid to move because of the pain. My mom reached over and pushed my hair off my face. Tears sprung in my eyes. That voice told me this is what I had been reduced to and for what purpose? How was I supposed to help when I couldn't even do for myself?   

I was always the type to keep pushing through all the crap. I had to be the best. I had to prove that I wasn't like the family I came from.  All I had was my faith. I did things blindly and without question because I thought it was what God wanted of me.

Now, I am just lost. Trying to find all the pieces so I can put me back together again.  That in the midst of raising 5 troubled kids,  taking care of my husband, my mother and grandmother.

I'm not looking for pity.  Maybe I'm not even trying to understand why anymore.

But I know something has to change, and I know that I have to make it happen.

Things we take for granted...

The oldest and I spent some time together this weekend. Saturday we ran over to Old Navy and took advantage of their $2 cami sale.

I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.

I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK!  Seriously.

I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM  (<--  My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.

Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it.  I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.

All was good in the world.

lol.

We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone.  She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand.  The oldest is 14 years old.  I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it.  So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.

It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative.  I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing.  Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child.  I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.

It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.

Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating.  But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).

I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things  that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related.  I mentioned homecomings and Proms.  I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.

I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...

I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her.  I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.

As a parent of special needs kids,  I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?

But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.

She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble.  She said "You would do that for me?"

That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you!  That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.

She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know?  She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.

I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.

I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.

To me those are little things, insignificant.  $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life.  But to her it means something.

I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?

And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them.  The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn.  Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.

But I'm game for it. :-)

Saturdays with Scrawnie or, um Sunday

Here I am, Meow to everyone! 

I was very busy this Caturday. Mom was gone alllllllll day. So I got to do a lot of this: 

and this:

on Mom's bed.

Hehe. 

Mom went to the pet store today and she didn't take the dogs with her. Ugh!  Instead she came back smelling like.... are you ready for this? 

KITTEN! 

Double UGH!  

I thought I lost a life when Mom told Dad she signed up to be a Foster Mama for baby kittens. But she told Dad she was kidding... I'm worried she's not. Hmmm...

Can you imagine all those little brats running around- Meow this and Meow that, I'd never get any mom time. They'd probably eat all my food, use my box and break allllll my toys. It's bad enough my sister Purries follows me everywhere and watches me do everything.  Mom says she looks up to me, but I think she's spying on me. I don't even want to talk about my sister Smudge. She's always trying to attack me for NO reason whatsoever. 

Mom, if you read this, NO MORE KITTEHS! 

That is all.  Meow you later!