An anniversary celebration...

My kids were acting out a teeny tiny bit the past two days. I've been able to pull them back before it went too far and I was already suspecting this might come to be. Nobody's voiced it yet, but they never do. This year I thought I'd beat them to the punch.

Today is the day Bela was murdered. There has been increased talk about what happened to her and this time even the oldest wanted to hear what happened instead of plugging her ears and yelling for them to shut up. I've decided to make today a celebration of her life and we will talk about the things she loved (chocolate and dancing) and who she was becoming. I'm thinking I will ask them if they want to write about their favorite times with her.

My kids are deathly afraid of forgetting her. Forgetting what she was like, her b-day, what she looked like, etc... I think I am going to help them make a memory book of her compiled of their memories and times together with her. I don't know if it's the wrong thing to do but I just feel from them that they are ready and it's not necessarily moving on but I guess it's that place where they aren't so mad about it anymore and they can share happy times and laugh about it.

If they want to feel sad today, I will let them feel that. I'm not going to try to steer them away from their feelings but I am going to try to make this a positive day, instead of the day Mike killed Bela, I want to encourage them not to give Mike that power anymore and instead make this the day we celebrate Bela's life.

Why I've been quiet... or that post that may be renamed to "How I jinxed it all..."

My kids... are you ready... my kids are behaving. Or as my youngest would say "we are being have." lol

No fighting, tantrums, stealing, lies are minimal, manners are being put back into place.

They are smiling. They are getting along and learning how to talk to each other nicely. Sure it hasn't even been a week, but it's almost like when they were first placed in our house.
I want to spend time with them...my house, my house has been quiet and I have been able to accomplish things.

We went out in public. Just me and the four Radishes. We went to the gas station, library, and McDonald's. No one got their panties in a wad and they were lil angels in the library. The librarians were beaming at them as they lined up with their books under their arms. No shoving, yelling, nothing. CDQ even found a wallet on the floor and came and got me to let me know, it turned out it was the wallet of a man who was sitting nearby helping his son. He thanked me for telling him and I let him know it was CDQ who had alerted me and he thanked her. She was beaming.

I am proud of them. I noticed that around 10 am is when they start to act up or I guess the proper term is deregulate ( I think, still learning) so I call the two 7 year olds out just before then and they do their strong sitting and go back to their rooms while CDQ and SS do their strong sitting. I don't know if I will continue with that the way they want me to because it doesn't help as much as the tapping does.

They all stand apart and we do tapping together. As they are tapping, they just seem to get happy and all that stuff that was building up melts away as they start to giggle and tap. I can see that tapping changes their attitude. It makes them happy. Especially SS. I don't know what it is about it. I should record a session because you can see how they are standing around and their facial expressions are sort of bored, angry, expectant (depends on the kid) and then they just like hop to attention when it starts and they start to beam and giggle. They are happy when it's done and they tend to stay that way.

They need help with the rubbing, I've noticed they don't really know what is making them feel the way they do.

For example, and this was an eye opener for me. CDQ keeps trying to hang from the back of Hub's wheelchair. This causes Hubs to have spasms which aren't good as it is because it is painful for him and even worse now because he has pressure sores that are healing. The spasms can tear them more.

I've told them a hundred times at least not to touch his chair because it is a part of his body so touching him there is like touching his butt. I thought that would work.

Anyhow, she was pulling on his chair and I was across the room from her, to me I said "CDQ, stop hanging on Hub's chair already."

She left and then I thought I heard crying on the intercom. I thought something had happened. So, I called out what's going on (I was in the process of moving furniture and had blocked myself in...I know, bright.) That's when Poufy piped up that CDQ was crying. I asked why and Poufy said that CDQ had said "If she doesn't like me, why doesn't she just say it?"

This...was news to me. Not like her? Where did she get that from? Seriously, I was stunned. I wasn't even mad at her or even exasperated when I said it for the gazillionth time. It was like a routine reminder from my point of view.

Apparently, all this time, the kids think I am yelling at them. I have hearing loss and because of that the volume on my voice has gotten, well... louder. I don't think I'm yelling. But how the hell do I know, I can't hear. lol It's really bad when there is background noise. I keep telling them to speak up because I can't hear. I guess I'll have to have a hearing test done again. I know I had one like 5 or 6 years ago and they told me they couldn't do anything about it then because it was minimal but that it would progress. Maybe I need a hearing aid now.

So, I called all of them out and we talked about my hearing loss and fear rubbing. I used CDQ's situation as an example and I told her that she must have felt afraid from me telling her what not to do that maybe I didn't like her and I asked if she thought she felt that..she didn't really respond so I said well if you felt that then instead of crying and starting to feel bad you might do the rubbing and say "Even though I am afraid my Mom/Aunt doesn't like me, I am a terrific kid and both my parents love me and accept me as I am." She liked that...a lot. I think she realizes that we do feel that way about her. Which makes me sad.

There is a lot of talking going on too. Again, CDQ--she said she didn't think she would ever get married because she doesn't trust people. I sadly couldn't help her. I think it's good she doesn't trust people. Maybe not at the level she is where she doesn't trust but I don't know...trusting people is something *I* am still working on. I have to think more about what to say to them about trusting people. I guess at some point, I trusted. I married Hubs but we had our problems where he shattered my trust and it's taken a long time to get to the point where I am now and even then it's not completely solid and I know it's alllll me.

Another development, the beginning of a support system. My Brownie co leader(L) is awesome, (so is my Daisy co leader (M) for that matter.) her kids and my kids can't get enough of each other. After the meeting Wednesday L and I were talking. She doesn't know anything about RAD but she listens and she understands there are things to learn about my kids and their disorders and she's willing to learn about them. She actually brought up the subject of family and a support system. I told her it was just us. She said she was more than willing to be a support to us if needed. She told me even if I just needed a nap! Her house is where all the kids get together and play and there's always kids there. She said what ever we needed and what ever she needed to know, she's willing and I know she is sincere.

I think this will work, even our husbands get along-- they are both geeks with endless trivia knowledge and completely hit it off after the GS ceremony. Does any one know how I should go about educating L so that the kids don't play her? I thought about giving her a copy of Nancy Thomas' Letter to the teacher for starters just because so much of the behaviors are mentioned there. I also don't want to overwhelm her. For those of you who may have a respite worker or some other support, how do you get those people up to speed so that they could be a help?

Calling it like I see it...

I wrote this post on January 6, 2009 and I have seen it get a ton of traffic and wondered why. I just found out today, the original title, an idiom I had used has been used for racist remarks. I had no idea.  In my world the word is a garden tool. *sigh*  So, I'm renaming this post to be what I intended just in case the traffic was coming through because of the political climate of today. After all when I went to search the terms meaning, that's all the crap that came up.  This post was all about me and nothing or nobody else.

Thanks.
~S

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Before the kids came and before Life Goes On..., my blog was called Diary of a Freak Magnet because that's how I felt.

I could be walking down an aisle at Walgreens looking for Vitamin C and have a lady come out of the restroom and tell me that she almost "shit herself" because they took so long to open the door and well um, she even bled. *wide-eyed stare*

Or being locked in my office by a co-worker (who I thought respected me and considered a friend ) who was trying to convince me that he could teach me how to party and that I should have children because of the "quality of person" that I am.

I've had a stalker who used to call my house and play some song with lyrics about "between the sheets" and sit outside my house at night leaving crushed cans of beer out on my curb. I've even had what I believe was the maintenance man come in my apartment, eat my food, move my magnets, and use my toilet with out flushing.

Those are just a few incidences. I've never fit in where ever I have gone. I can't say that I ever tried really hard either and I'm not too shy to call a spade a spade if you know what I mean? Because of my family situation, I tended to stay away from people when I was younger. In Jr High and High school I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere or to talk on the phone. My stepfather was really possessive of me. I stopped trying to make too deep of friendships because I couldn't explain why I wasn't allowed to use the phone or go to their house. Besides by the time I was 16 I was spending a good chunk of my time raising my step sister's kids and taking care of my sisters. Consequently, I knew a lot of people but wasn't really close to anyone.

As an adult now, knowing that I need to setup a support system with my roles as caregiver to my kids and husband, I've tried to reach out but again because of the circumstances that I am in it makes it tough. Other than internet friends, I literally have no one. No family. Nada.

I feel like I am in this limbo. I know I am married and have kids, but I don't feel it. I've wondered if the kids weren't relatives if I would feel like I had kids. Even though my sister is a rotten whore, she's still their mother. It's not a place I am trying to take. I always said I would never have kids and my mother would ask why I said that and I didn't know why, I just would answer "well, none of my own anyway."

Where this leads to is audacity I guess, the audacity of other people. The other day, the home health nurses were out to check hubs sores. They always ask about the kids and if any are biological. I always say we didn't get a chance to have kids. Most often the other person will say "well now you don't need to, you're set and you didn't even have to go through labor" and they will chuckle.

They just assume we don't want to have children of our own or need to. We have plenty. But I do want children of my own and granted I know that I am able to have children but we don't know if Hubs can. I still feel like that has been taken from me. I've always known that if it came to Hubs not being able to have children, I could live with that. But this way, with these circumstances, it's just cruel.

Those who don't know our situation with the kids or even my husband always assume that my husband and I never stop going at it or if they know my husband's condition than I guess they think I never climb off him or something, if you know what I mean? Especially during the span of November- March. In November we have two children of the same age (right now that is 7.) In January, one of the 7 year olds turns 8 and then we have two 8 year olds until February. Then in February when one of the 8 year olds turns 9, we have two 9 year olds until March. It always comes up and I don't know why having 5 children makes so much more of a difference than the typical 4 that I see out there.

I don't know how anyone else would take it, but I find it offensive and I tend to think those people are assholes. Even if it's in jest. But that's my opinion. I just get tired of it. Sometimes it makes me angry because I just want to be normal and I just seem to basically want what other people want. I don't want to be picked out of a crowd, I'm not trying to draw attention to myself or my family circumstances. I'm not special. I'm just trying to be.

This moment...

is perfect.

The day not so perfect but the moment I want to capture it and keep it.

Hubs is playing a game on his computer, the oldest is doing her homework, the boy is in his room, CDQ and SS are at the table doing their math. Yes, homeschool started back up today too. lol Poufy...oh that little Poufy, let's just say she's in her room.

It is a nice silence compared to the screaming and raging of Poufy earlier.

I have to say I feel like I'm this clueless person who should have known better or had an idea or something... I can't even articulate what I am feeling because...well, I don't know how.

Last night I was in Facebook trying to become familiar with it and I did a search on RAD. There were some groups and causes. Which led me some how into YouTube...when in youtube, I decided to search RAD there as well and who did I come across? Christine and a video of her children practicing strong sitting.

Ok, this is where I interrupt myself and say "Self, why couldn't you think of searching for this stuff? It's so obvious. Duh." *kicking self*

(side note: I also did some research on pressure sores because Hubs has a couple from the cushion change...who knew all that info was out there?)

(side side note: Did you all know that I have been in the computer field since elementary school?)

So fast forward to this morning... I see Lisa's post of J doing her tapping. I think "I should try these with the kids. When am I going to have time?"

Then about 2 hours later... I think... hey, I am the teacher, I decide what to teach in "school". I'm teaching Cool Down tips, tapping and strong sitting today.

Yes... when it comes to the kids, I feel very slow...mentally and physically. Somehow I formed this mental block that believes that I am a caregiver with rules to follow and I can't step outside the lines. I know it comes from the way we were treated by social workers and everytime I think I've moved past it, I realize it's still there and it drives me crazy. It also stems from the fact that I am Hubs caregiver and I have rules to follow there based on my employment. It's all very gray.

Anyway, I called the kids out, minus Poufy because she preferred to rage and be disrespectful. I sat them down in front of the laptop and I showed them Christine's kids. I explained to them that some of the kids had RAD like they do and that they use this to help them feel better.

They loved seeing Christine's kids. I think it was a connection, they asked if they were adopted too and I told them they were. My kids were sooo excited. I should have taken a picture of their faces. Their smiles were so big. They quickly spread out and started copying the kids on the screen. The boy was nervous as he always is because he is afraid of making mistakes. He'd rather not do something than be wrong. But SS and CDQ where into it.

Next, I had written down the sequence of tapping on the white board and I pulled up J's video of tapping. I told them J was also adopted and had RAD. I think if they didn't know better they would have waved to her. lol I just can't express how much they loved seeing the other kids.

We practiced tapping with J's video and then we did the whole thing on our own. I could tell that the boy was still confused but really wanted to learn it. CDQ was relaxed and SS-- she was so HAPPY. She was jumping around. I asked them how they felt and SS quickly piped up that she loved it and she felt better.

After that we went over the list of cool down ideas over at RADkid.org. We discussed the different tips and talked about starting Journals either this week or next week...because *I* am the teacher. lol We also talked about respect/disrespect and what it means. I was surprised to find out that they didn't know, or that they didn't know that they knew because they didn't make the connections. ( Some of you will probably be shaking your heads because as I am finally sloooowwwly realizing these things, they are just common sense to you. LOL)

I was so proud watching them strong sitting and tapping. I could feel the tension in the house just disappear, even with Poufy yelling and carrying on in the background. It was almost like she wasn't here and it was just the four of us.

The feeling has carried on and the house is in a state of tranquilty right now. Instead of bickering, there is studying and laughter. I'm making Hubs favorite meatball soup and the delicious smell is in the air, the house is warm and cozy and it just feels right (even with Poufy choosing her path!).

Thank you Christine and Lisa! It means a lot for you to share these things with us.


We will definitely be practicing tapping and strong sitting every day.

Watch this...

I tried to embed this but it wouldn't work...damn!

Catching up...

Ok, so the next few days I will spend catching up here on my blog.

First, I will start with the GS ceremony stuff. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that I need to recruit a camera and video camera volunteer for ceremonies. I put the video camera on the wrong side and got nothing but butts, mine and the parents. lol

I didn't get pictures of anything. :-( But I will be writing the parents to see if they got any good shots for our scrapbooking patch.

So, I will show you what the girls made for their parents instead. lol

My Daisies and Brownies made what I call fingerprint calendars. These are a sampling from different calendars to give you an idea of their hardwork.

The poem above is The Hands of a Child. Each girls picture was included underneath in their calendar.

Aren't they adorable? Each girls was different and I love that!

My Juniors made keepsake boxes. On the outside top they say "I can be anything because you..." and on the sides they wrote what their parents do for them that allows them to be anything. They decorated with ribbons and stickers.


On the inside top there is a picture of each girl and on the inside bottom is their signature, age and year. This idea came to me while in the dollar store. lol

Although we were missing some girls in the Junior and Brownie level, I was so happy to get these done. I could tell how proud and happy my girls were and that they couldn't wait to give them to their parents. I just hope their parents appreciated them. I didn't get to see because I was passing out rewards for our last sale when they were opening gifts. Darn!

I can't even express how proud I am of these girls and I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to have this chance to know them and work with them. They have given me so much in such a short amount of time and I know it's just going to make me a better person and a better mother/aunt to my kids.

2008, Leaving it all behind...

As I prepared for the New Year, I made a lot of my Grandmother's dishes with the memories of how my mother used to do it. I was alone in the middle of the night, prepping and cooking. Every year I do this. I make the beef and green chili chimichangas and the bean and cheese ones too, like my mother did. I remember asking my Grandmother for the Cheese ball recipe and how she basically just told me "a little bit of this and a little bit of that".

I hate New Year's although no one would really know it. Many think I'm just indifferent. I hate another year of nothing to show for. Although, in all honesty, I can look back and see many accomplishments just nothing that *I* ever think is extraordinary. I don't make resolutions and I'm not the drinking type. This year I was ahead of the game; I had plenty of time to think.

Instead of reflecting on my failures of the year, memories of parties at my grandparents home from when I was 3-5 years old drifted through my mind. Little nuggets- the bar with the flashing colored lights, the oil lamp of the lady bathing in the garden (for real, it was the late 70s but even then my grandparents house was like a time warp, lol) and the music. Real music, music with real words about love. The coffee table pushed to the side of the living room. My Grandparents swaying together. Finally, not fighting and looking happy and in love. They always started mellow.

But then there was the drinking, everyone was drinking (except my Grandmother). Friends, family, etc... My Daddy (Grandfather) would change the music and it would be music in Spanish, loud and fast. He would lift me in his arms and press his face against the side of mine holding one arm out hands intwined as he twirled me around faster and faster. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and I could hear the words. My legs would swing out and the room would spin and someone would swoop me out of his arms; for fear we would fall or something I guess. I would be set down on an end table or sofa and he would serenade me off key "ay chaparrita de oro...." (Roughly translated- little girl of gold).

Apparently that last year I silenced the room with my singing of Bridge Over Troubled Waters. LOL! I don't know the song now, but a lot of people remarked about my voice being so big for such a little girl. (That may have led to all the ballet folklorico lessons and performances as well as making me watch EVERY LITTLE KID who sang and performed on TV and being asked "Don't you want to do that? ""Doesn't she look pretty?", "You can do that, you are better than her"!) I was the only kid there at the parties. When I was 5, I looked like I was 2 or 3 because of my height. I would sit and watch in amazement. Until things turned after too much drinking...but I won't go there. I'll stay in the spot where I felt the most normal, the most like a family and the most loved and cared about ever by a family.

I realized that's the last New Year's when I was 4 or 5 that I ever felt. Then I went into defensive mode. "Who needs all that anyway?" "I'm ok without them." etc... I started to think about my kids. I've never had a mother. I was an accessory for my grandmother and a mother to my own mother. Why does this matter? Because I am an Aunt, not a mother. I often think if I had adopted a strangers child it would have been easier to fill the mother's role. But I questioned myself - could or should I be more than an Aunt to my nieces and nephew? When they grow up will they be like my sisters who tell me that I am their Mother figure or will they resent me for taking that place or even worse resent me for not trying to fill that void? I keep saying "I turned out ok." But I don't even know if that's true anymore. I also tell myself it doesn't really matter.

Then yesterday Lisa's daughter J made me cry with her post. It does matter. What I do now does mean something. With my memories I should know that. When the kids first came, I was all about changing things up and giving them the memories they deserved - good memories to cover up (because face it, that's all they can do, the old memories will always be there) but it didn't matter what I did, they wanted "ghetto". Then it was like they hated me. Granted the oldest ensured they behaved that way by telling them to act as bad as they could but even when the cat was out of the bag...they still persisted and it made it harder to believe they had RAD and that they weren't just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.

I'll admit it. Until J's post, I didn't much believe in RAD. I was in denial, I swayed back and forth. Kids with trauma were placed in my home, no doubt. But I didn't buy the whole year and a half honeymoon period. I felt the therapist gave them ideas and in some ways I still do. I feel like she read them the RAD checklist by asking them if they did certain behaviors that they normally would be disgusted by and as time progressed seemed ok with. They never did any of those things with the previous therapist but he never put things in their heads either. He wanted them to do the talking.

But I realize, even so, I need to educate myself on these things and start to care again. I need to not give up and just be a place for them to stay until they are 18. I asked myself what made me different?, Who changed me?, How did I know there was something else? and I realized my whole life--strangers made the difference. I gravitated towards families unlike mine. Families with a mom and a dad, families that were tv show like compared to my world and I saw they were real. I started to believe in something more. I started to believe I could get out and make a difference.

I've been so depressed because I couldn't see that I have my chance to make a difference right here and now. All I could see is that I'm stuck just like the rest of them. Saddled down, married (although that's farther then they got) with a gazillion kids and I hated it. When you have kids, your life is over. I worked so hard to make sure this didn't happen to me so I could make a difference but it did. Then it hit me.

This is my difference. This is me showing my family that the cycle doesn't continue. They didn't put me in my place. I will make a difference and I will do it with a disabled husband AND 5 kids special needs or not.

2009 is going to be the beginning. WE will not be hopeless and helpless. My kids will have a real family. They will have real memories, good ones. With my sisters, I never intended to be their mother figure, but I guess it's ok and if that happens with my nieces and nephew, that's ok too.

This is not a resolution, this is me, and this will be change. My kids aren't going to know what hit them and the best part... I expect nothing from them in return. This time next year, there will be accomplishments big and small and they will be all about family. I can promise that. ;-)