The toothfairy saga continues...

Apparently, after Hubs left from telling me about the tooth situation, he went back and told the boy that he forgot about the toothfairy pillow and that we should really put it in there because that's where the toothfairy knows to go to.

BUT, we can't find the pillow because I'm still unpacking all that we packed so it's on hold until 1.) I find it or 2.) I go back to build-a-bear and buy a new one.

It's been unusually quiet in the house this morning. The four youngest were terrible yesterday. I don't even want to go into the nastiness that took place between them. I'll just say today there will be a lot of steam cleaning. However, I have kept to my word and have thought everyday about what our kids are living with. I think my lack of reaction is what has caused my house to be silent this morning. They are trying to figure out how to attack next. lol

I'm hoping to get a lot accomplished with them today. But then again, I hope that everyday. Hit or miss... The oldest is home from school today, I'm hoping we will finally be able to decorate the tree. If my kids can't get it together, some of us will have to decorate without them.

The oldest told me she doesn't want to live here anymore. She doesn't want to live with "them". They gross her out and they are awful. She's disgusted by them. She told me that I didn't have to worry though because she wouldn't leave me with them. I felt bad and I also thought it was comedy. I mean really where the hell does she think she can go? LOL!

Sorry, it probably doesn't seem funny to anyone but me. I think I am the only one who realizes the true meaning of "this is it." I think somewhere in their little hearts they think my other sister, or some other family member exists that would take them in and that I have just lied to them to keep them here. In all honesty I think if I called their mother today and told her to come get them she would crap a brick. She wouldn't show. Just like she didn't call or visit them. I would never do that to them. I just need to figure out a way to keep those that are moving forward moving so that they don't stay stuck and lost with the others that aren't.

At any rate, I bought a new camera at the black friday sales and I've been dying to use it. My old one kept dying and it would take pictures like 30 seconds later and I was getting nothing I wanted. Don't you hate that? You try and capture a moment and all you get is what happens afterwards because that's when the camera finally decided to take the picture. Sort of makes me want to go back to the old camera and film deal...sort of. I like being able to see that I missed the shot right away. :-)

Four

Today you would have been four years old. You were just over a year when you were murdered and there is still no justice for you (or your siblings for that matter).

We are all stuck in a time warp and can't seem to get past your death, while the guilty forgot you before you were even cold.

We are all changed...bitter, angry, sad, even broken and all for selfish reasons. We know you are better off but it's just too hard, even almost 3 years later. Much harder because we feel like we have been sentenced for your death. Yet, I don't even know that justice could fix this.

Don't get me wrong. It's your birthday and we will celebrate but I just feel the need to explain why it's not working. Why we aren't moving forward, why we just can't seem to............

You didn't die for nothing, this will be better and it will work some how. I hope you aren't looking down here and feeling sad and crying. Some how we will get back to good. I won't let them fail. I will try my hardest to patch what I can the best I can.

You are still loved and missed so much. The pain is there e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. There is nothing but time that can heal this.

It'll be ok, my lil squishy, it will be ok. I won't let you down.

Happy Fourth Birthday~!

Great Parenting Moments...

So tonight I'm sitting in our bedroom learning about Facebook and Hubs comes in and stops at the foot of the bed.

Hubs: I think I did some thing really really wrong.
Me: *raised eyebrow* whhhat?
Hubs: I told the boy he could put his tooth under his pillow.
Me: Grrrrrrreat! and just tell me how in the hell is the toothfairy supposed to get in there with the door alarm.
Hubs: Uh, I don't know. That's why I think I did something wrong. *turns and leaves the room*
Me: *rolling my eyes*

lol

I mean really, how does the "toothfairy" get in there with motion sensors in the hallway and door alarms?

To top it all off, the kids don't even put their lost teeth under their pillows, they put them in the toothfairy pillow and hang it on the front door knob. You know...so the toothfairy doesn't get lost or have to go too far into the house and stuff. Not to mention the toothfairy is getting old and tends to forget things. Ya know?

FREE- Send a card to the troops!

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second.Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.Thanks for taking the time to support our military!

She earned an A!

Yesterday when the oldest got in the car she was really excited about something and couldn't wait to show me. I thought it was because she had remembered to check the Girl Scout folder because it looked like she was holding the stuff from the folder behind her backpack. But as soon as she sat down and got her seat belt out she pulled out a paper...

A MATH TEST!

This is huge, she got an A. She detests math. It's torture. I can't blame her either. I hate math too. It's the only reason I am not an engineer today.

At any rate I looked in my rear view mirror and this is basically what I saw.

Then I made her cry, because before I knew it.... I went into "the ugly cry". I was bawling and trying to tell her I was proud of her and that it's a good job and she should keep it up, etc... then her eyes started to tear up and she said "Wow, no one has ever cared before. I used to win awards and no one would come. So, I thought what's the point?"

I told her that she should win the awards for HERSELF. I told her that Grandma (my mother) didn't come to mine either. She came like once. But that it didn't stop me from being and doing my best. I explained that she shouldn't take it personal. I told her that I once had a chance to be president of the honor society at my school and that Grandma basically snorted and said "Oh, so you're going to be president of the nerds." I wanted to make sure she knew that she wasn't singled out and that it was across the board.

I told her that if I had known, I would have been there. To me these things are a big deal because I know how hard they are to get. I was there for her cousins award ceremonies, mother/daughter teas, etc... and that I don't know why the family responds the way it does to that kind of thing.

I shared with her that it was more important to do your best for yourself instead of for others. It's nice to have recognition, but in the end...who knows their accomplishments the best, if it's not yourself? I told her that she shouldn't let anyone get in her way or make her feel bad and miss out on an opportunity because then she will have a lot of regrets. I should know, I let Grandma stop me from doing a lot.

Then we realized people were looking at us as we drove home and at first, we were a little ticked...privacy please...sheesh. Then we remembered we were driving the reindeer van and we could hardly stop laughing.

Trying to be a better parent

I came across this poem the other day. I recognized it from a poster my mom had hanging up in her room when I was a kid. I wondered if it had any meaning to her.

If a child lives with cricism, he learns to condemn…
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight…
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive…
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself…
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy…
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt…
But…
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient…
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident…
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative…
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love…
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is…
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice…
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him…
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live.
With what is your child living?

It got me to thinking about what my kids are living with.

I've talked a lot about my kids behaviors and changes but I know that I as a person and now parent have changed too.



In a sense, I feel like I've had to close off my heart so that I wouldn't let it interfere with the tough love the kids need in order to progress. Both Hubs and I were sabotaging ourselves by undermining the things we were setting into place.



We'd start to feel sorry for the kids and we would let things slide. If it wasn't us sabotaging things, it was social workers or therapists that weren't trained in attachment.



The other part of closing off my heart is that it's the easiest thing for me to do to protect myself from them as well.



The big thing and the hardest thing is that I often feel like I am an adult with RAD. My whole life I have been in this alone, I didn't lash out the way the kids do but I tried to have patience and faith until I was finally on my own. I never let anyone get too close to me and I take off when they do. So what happens when you put an adult with children and they all have attachment and bonding issues?



uh oh.



It's too easy for us to ignore each other, to hurt each other and to keep our distance from each other.



After all, people come and go and the ones worth loving and keeping around God usually takes away from us. The rest are just here to cause pain. Whether with words or inappropriate touching or hitting, etc...



Yep, I actually feel that way. I think my kids feel that way too.



So what kind of message am I unconsciously conveying to them? What beliefs am I perpetuating? Perhaps worse of all, what "sins" am I committing that my own "parents" (mother, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa<--people who took care of me, step-father)did to me?



Am I passing on the harshness of my Aunt? The put downs from my mother? The objectivity from my Uncle? The pessimism and helplessness of my Grandmother? The ignorance of my Grandfather and the unspoken hate from my step-father?



Are these the things that I have to offer? Is this the true and hidden culmination of what I have become? Is this the legacy that I pass on? Have I not broken the cycle that I worked so hard to be rid of?



Sometimes I hear myself and it's not me speaking, it's them...it's their words coming out of me and I hate it. It's not the kind of person I want to be and it's definitely not something I want to pass on to anyone.



Every day, I plan on asking myself "what are your children living with?" So I can remind myself exactly what I want for my children and then try to live up to that.



They deserve better.

Thanksgiving 2008

I know Thanksgiving was last week...but here's a pic of the kids making their annual "Thankful turkeys".

We've made these since our first Thanksgiving together. The last Thanksgiving my nephews were here, they made them too. I even had my Brownie troop make them for their Thanksgiving project. They are fun and easy. I happen to keep them and plan on giving them back to them for memories.

Here's our table with everything on it, set to go. It's kind of drab because I couldn't find all my stuff in storage in time. Like my linens. Still wondering where they are. I was happy to at least find all my trays and serving dishes. As well as my dish sets. lol

I collect salt and pepper shakers. Some day I'm going to have do a post of all of them. But there are my turkey salt and pepper shakers.

Here's my turkey butter, ain't she pretty? I have a confession, I kissed her before I put her on the table, I did it in front of everyone. I just think she's adorable!

and my turkey...oooh boy! It came out perfect. We brine our turkey every year. Let me just say there is nothing left.

In our family, everyone (well, 'cept the bettas and Kreacher) gets a plate for Thanksgiving and Christmas.