The Agony and the Ecstasy- Part 2

* this picks up where the previous post left off*

So, in an attempt yet again to figure someway to move forward.

We put up a sheet dividing CDQ and Poufy's room. Just putting that sheet up and telling them to think of it as a wall was a huge improvement because they were no longer able to blame each other for the bad things that they did. After all man, it's a wall and you are the only one on your side of the wall dude?

Then I started to break things down. Say they lost book privileges because they were ripping out the pages and writing about how much they hate us in the books (true story) . Instead of a) telling them they will never read a book again b) giving books to children who will take care of them. We decided to bring them up to speed hour by hour.

If you give me an hour of goodness (following the rules), we will decide whether you do a chore, earn the money for something that you've destroyed, or get to do something fun. Computer time, Wii time, outside time, baking cookies time (and these activities include one on one adult time with Hubs or myself)

I figured if I broke them down into hour segments I would have time for each kid because other kids would be working on some portion of their hour since they are all staggered out depending on their activity. Of course some of the activities we have to make sure they can do on their own (watering trees, feeding cats, computer time-no internet access, etc...) or that they can do with another sibling in case we are already detained with a one on one activity with another child. Make sense?

Being good means sitting in your room and thinking about the rules and how you can best follow them or whatever else is on your mind. Because if you are sitting there thinking how much trouble can you get in right? I plan to decrease the time or create more independent activities as the kids become accustomed to following the rules. At least that's my hope.

It went great until today. This part might not make sense so I will start by saying a lot of the kids issues involve control. They want to control things and be the boss. It has to stop because as you can see from my previous post it escalates. In addition to the control, we as parents have to take an assertive role with the kids because their need for control also has to do with lack of trust. We need them to grow to trust us and trust that we are making the best choices for them and they can do as we say without fear or worry.

Today, CDQ and Poufy were supposed to be doing their hour. I thought CDQ was doing great and I was going to pull her out of her room early until I saw that her and Poufy took it upon themselves to empty their drawers and refold all the clothes. In a normal situation that would have been great, even cool because they were being clean and trying to be neat. But they had been given specific direction and they chose to ignore it and do what they wanted to do. So, I had to reset their hour.

I know it seems ridiculous to micro manage but we have to. I hate it.

They began to cry and tantrum. I started with the constant excuse at the ready CDQ.

What did I tell you to do?
CDQ: My hour.
Why did you not do what you were told to do?
CDQ:Silence
Who's fault is it that you are in trouble? You are the only one in your "room".
CDQ: *mumbling* my fault because I made the choice to do the wrong thing instead of what I was supposed to do.

Lord in Heaven! Did you see that? Cause I could not believe it. I stood stunned. This child has never admitted to anything--ANYTHING. Even when you see her with your own two eyes.

After I recovered, I turned to Poufy and asked her the same questions she responded with screaming and crying and tantruming.

I left the room.

Poufy was still crying when I came back to tell CDQ that I was very proud of her for accepting responsibility today and for being able to control her emotions and not throwing a tantrum. I then told her because of that I was going to go ahead and let her still come out and work on the surprise I had planned for them that morning.

She was so happy. Talking and giggling. A different kid.

The surprise was a play kitchen we were putting together outside for them. They were using old tile from the living room to tile their kitchen "floor" so they could take their Disney Princess kitchen outside.

Poufy screamed louder and harder. She went on and on for about three hours before she came out and told me she was sorry for throwing a tantrum. (this child tries to tell you what she thinks you want to hear.) I told her I accepted her apology and that I want to see her mean it tomorrow when she thinks she might throw another tantrum.

You might be wondering why the different treatment. Two very different kids. Can't do the same things. I went down the other road with Poufy thinking she really wanted to change only to find out she was spoon feeding me.

The boy still needs work. His biggest thing is not following directions. For 6 years old, he should be more advanced. It's a power struggle with him. He stumbles and needs to restart his hour frequently but when he makes it, it's like he's won the lotto everytime.

SS she's still in her own world. She seems happy though. She likes the hour thing. I think she feels like she accomplishes something. It seems to give her purpose. She likes to know that after her hour she will be doing something and then she will be doing another hour to earn something else.

As for the oldest, it's amazing how much supervision she needs. Hubs was working with her and I told him he really needed to buckle down with her. Apparently he thought he was. I put her in my line of sight constantly and it's amazing how much work she gets done. I guess I should say that it seems she is behind in her school work although they passed her on. She will be going to Catholic School and I am really worried for her. She's working in a fourth grade book despite the fact that she's going into the 6th grade. I was worried she was behind. But I think it's truly a matter of laziness and being unable to apply herself. She's been doing terrific now that she's basically under my thumb. I thought she would resent it but she's pretty proud of how far she's come in the short amount of time that we have started this.

I hope this system works.

I really do because if it doesn't. We might have to split up the family. We all can't go down.