I am breathing...dang it!

So you know when you can feel yourself escalating and you don't know why?

No, um ok...

Well, anyway, I feel myself escalating over nothing. To see me, you would see a person who is calmly typing or walking through the house doing a little of this and that...but inside...oooh boy!

I thought about saying "screw it all" and taking off to the movies...but honestly, I'm so wound up, I'm not even sure I could watch a movie. It would be a waste of money, at least for the movie portion...now movie snacks on the other hand....hmmmmm.

You know what though? I miss them all when I'm gone. For real!

Some people might think I'm strange considering the way I go on and on, but I miss them when I am gone almost every time. I would liken it to the mother whose kid is in daycare saying first words and learning how to walk while she's at work.  My kids are different little people and I learn new things about them every day. Some great, some not so great.  With their new found feelings of security, they have been able to shine through all the fear and I have some awesome little kids.

Yes, I know they are all pushing 10 or just over 10 mostly, but that's not what I see. For the most part, I see chubby little toddlers finding their way.  Not literally...of course. But you know...

The breathing technique in Beyond Consequences was working for me,  but not today.  (Note to God...haha, you are soooooo funny.  Just make me go through every thing my kids do, huh?)  I'm not trying to make this blog all about me, and it's not even that it matters, but holy hell, is this what PTSD is like? I think all that time that I had "meltdowns" with my kids in the past is now coming on as a full blown loss of mind.  All that time when everything was crumbling around me and I was trying to be a rock and make the right decisions, it's catching up to me now in the "calm of the storm".

I feel at this very moment that I have nothing to be stressing about. But it won't shut off. UGH!

I write this because I know somewhere someone will read this and agree with me.  Someone else is feeling like this right now about something.

I read the Reiki principles at the top of my blog, I so want to feel that. I keep telling myself: One.Minute.At.A.Time.   Yet somehow my minute has extended to days, maybe even weeks. I never was and still am not good at telling time.

So, I guess it's time to ask myself, "What the hell are you scared of?"

Good Question...

So tired...

I gotta tell you this sucks.

My neck is good now and the inflammation in my knuckles and some of my fingers has gone down, but my eyes are all droopy and tired like.

But hey, did you know about the cortisol studies for mom's like us? Did you also know about something called Adrenal Fatigue?  Guess who has the symptoms? Guess what Adrenal Fatigue can bring on...if you guessed arthritis...here's 10 points for you.  I've been wanting to do a post with links on this. (*Note to self...post with links. )

I'm afraid I'm gonna forget things.

This week was hell, I found myself speeding home just to get away from CDQ. I locked myself in the bathroom as soon as we got home and cried my heart out.  Rest assured it's not even CDQ that is the issue. It's the therapist.  I've been starting to feel an irrational resentment towards CDQ.  I fully know it's irrational and I know it has more to do with my growing dislike for her therapist.   Every time I see CDQ, I am able to push aside any dumb feelings that start to surface to be there for her, but God knows I want to quit every few days or so.

I. need. a. break.

Seriously.

What's getting to me the most is that, things aren't so bad around here.  I mean really. No more rages, no more stealing, no more pissing on the floors and crapping on the walls. I've survived what I thought was the worst.

But I think the worst is yet to come.  My kids are comfortable now. They are sharing in detail their abuses. When I can, I sit with them and it becomes a torture marathon.  As one kid comes in right after another, I listen to the abuses they've been through or those that they've witnessed.  I feel like some kind of twisted Santa Claus, they sit on my lap in my recliner and I rock them if I can as they tell me these gruesome things. I reassure them that it was never their fault but they still don't believe.  I carry this all inside just like they do. It didn't happen to me and I'm not so confused about the rage I feel.  Do your kids share with you?

My eyes are so dry they sting and burn, another symptom. Bear with me, I will try to update when I can. I'm thinking of keeping a notebook so I can remember it all.  If I could find a way to vlog private from the kids I will do it.  I might have to move my computer into the closet.  I don't think that's really possible since my desk is 6 ft long, I'd have to move dressers and clothes out of there. The other thing is Hubbins has been bedridden and my computer is in the room. I don't know how well a vlog would go with him butting in every minute. lol!

I'll see what I can do, in the meantime, I hope everyone is well.

Still around...

as usual a TON to post about but my neck has been locked up since Wednesday afternoon and sitting up still hurts some.

Add two wisdom teeth which are insisting my bottom jaw make room for them and I just want to scream....ARGHHHH!

Trying to remember everything I want to share.

Hope all is well with everyone.

The next morning...

This actually started here and then I continued here and now this is the rest below...

So the next morning I rounded up the herd in the kitchen and I asked them if they thought when I disciplined them it was because they were crying. I asked them to raise their hands. CDQ did and so did the boy.  The oldest was confused by the topic and SS said that she didn't think that. Poufy said that "they got disciplineded" because they did things they weren't supposed to be doing. SS agreed with Poufy. 

BTW, Poufy likes to ask me if she is being hayved (behaving) isn't that cute?

CDQ said that she felt that they got in trouble because they were crying for things they needed.  A huge bell went off in my head when she said that.  I asked the boy why he thought that it was because he cried.  He wasn't sure. So I told him to think about something I had been talking to him about for weeks. Honestly, I can't remember right now. But it fit the situation for my example. Let's just say it was a toy, that's not what it was but I just can't seem to remember.  I asked the kids if they could tell me how many times I've said something about it... there was consensus that it had been "a lot" then I asked them how long have I been saying it...apparently over a week.  Then I said so when you lose it as a consequence, do you think you lost it because you were crying or because you didn't put it away.  Then he understood that pretty much everything ENDS with him crying because of the consequence and not caused by his crying because he didn't start crying until he found out his consequence.  

Then I got another idea. I said I think that when they first moved here that they didn't realize that our house was different so they kept living the same way.  I said that Hubbins and I didn't realize what they had been through because nobody had said anything about it. Then when people started saying really bad things had happened to them, Hubbins and I didn't know what real bad things meant because in our world we couldn't imagine what really bad things were, or at least nothing like what really happened to them. So we were trying to raise them like kids who always had what they needed and were just doing bad things. Then they started telling us themselves what had happened and we started to understand some. 

Then CDQ said. Yeah, with (the bios) we got in trouble because we cried because we didn't have food or anything to drink and we got in trouble. 

I told her that we didn't know that and when we said you had a choice to stop the bad behavior and have dinner with the family (most rages used to occur as dinner was being made or just before)  or have a peanut butter sandwich and go to bed, we thought it was a choice for you.  Then I asked them if normally you give someone the choice to either have dinner with the family or to have a peanut butter sandwich, which one would they think the person would choose?

Of course, now that most of my kids are mostly regulated and not living so much in fear, they can see that choice but I know before they couldn't. Still my point hit home and I was learning so much from them. 

Then a great thing happened yesterday, at least for CDQs peace of mind. The boy got in "trouble". It's in quotes because I didn't think of him as being in trouble. I was thinking he didn't sleep well and needed a break or a nap or something.  Anyhow, The Boy had been on the computer doing his homeschool for most of the morning and normally he loves it and shouts out his scores or what he's doing next but that morning he was just not into it. He was not paying attention to his computer and looking at everyone else's computers. Just plain not there. I had told him several times prior to CDQ starting her work that he needed to pay attention to his own work. Finally it was like the 20th time (yeah, I haven't learned that I probably should have redirected him to a break rather than keep telling him to pay attention a lot sooner.)   when I told him he had to take a break. I told him to just go to his room and relax, take a nap if he needed to but he was done for now.  That brought out tears as he went to his room. I told him he wasn't in trouble it was just a break. 

I decided I would take that opportunity to discuss a real live (since it was happening at that moment) example with CDQ. I asked her if she had noticed how many times I had told him to pay attention to his work. She said at least 4 (she had been out working for about 30 minutes at that point) and yes, she had noticed this time because of what we talked about. She noticed how he was still crying even though I had told him he wasn't in trouble and how she sees that I wasn't like M or J at all and that I am "actually trying to help him." She said she had thought about it last night and she knows the difference between discipline and being mean. 

SCORE!!!! 

Next time, hallucinations and hearing voices...She's not just living in a fantasyland. 

Also, how I found a cool way to compromise on the music issue on my own. 

Oh and I guess I should also mention how we resolved the boy's issue and it ended on a good note.

Unless I blog about how my first therapy session goes, it's today. In which case, the above are notes to myself to remember to post about those things. 

So then...

You'll want to read this post first for this stuff to make some sense...

So, CDQ had a therapy session, and then we ran errands and then I had the last of 6 eye doctor appointments spanning the whole week (Everyone wears glasses but me). This time it was everyone going to the appointment because Hubbins was getting his eyes checked too.  I had decided we were going to have dinner out because, unless you count ambulance rides to the hospital, Hubbins hadn't been out of the house since I think, hell, it had been months. I think the time before that was a rehab doctor appointment before Thanksgiving. Can't really remember.

I was getting really worried it was becoming too much for CDQ.  She seemed to be on the edge but I didn't know exactly what to do, the rest of the entire family were so happy and excited to be out and I was on pins and needles with CDQ. I had her sit next to me and I kept reminding her to breath and telling her she was ok.  It wasn't working. I wish I would have read sooner on someone else's blog that they walk their children around outside of the restaurant when they see it's too much.

Also, bear with me. I can't remember who's blog and I'm almost positive someone else might have mentioned it but I have to tell you, I am so overworked right now that I truly can't remember things that I have said myself even if I may have just said them. It's kind of scaring me. It makes me feel a little like what the Octomom sounded like on this clip I saw of her on youtube when she was on The View, No I don't laugh like that, but I do get sidetracked easily, anyhow I digress. (ut oh, did I just do what I said I do?)

Anyhow, this is going somewhere...we made it all in one piece home. That was Friday, Saturday morning was going to be a free day at the landfill to bring in stuff that they don't pick up. I had several ripped to shreds mattresses and broken dressers/drawers, broken toys, etc... that I wanted to get rid of so I had CDQ come inside and the others start gathering these things by the van for me to load.

I heard CDQ yelling something from her room through the intercom. I thought she said they were messing with her outside her window so I went outside. No one was near her window. We live on a half acre, they were at the far end of the property as far away from the house you can be. Literally.

So, I came back in and went to her room. *deep breath*

I told her that they aren't near her bedroom. She said that's not what she was yelling, she was yelling because Poufy had picked up a stick while she was walking out to the end of the property, threw it for the dog and the dog chased it and brought it back and she threw it again.

If you are saying "Uh, yeah?" so was I.

I asked her what was wrong with that? She said that I had said they could play outside when we got home. I told her that I said if there was time, but we had stopped at Krispy Kreme next door to the restaurant so they could get hot donuts and we lost time.  I told her they were outside moving stuff to the van (and quite honestly they probably were screwing around out there as they did it.) and that I had her come inside because I could tell she had a really stressful day.

She started telling me how she was lonely and she wanted to play with them. I said "really?" Not sarcastic or anything.  I told her I thought she wanted to be alone and not be with them.  I told her she said she wanted to have a new family.  I want to be really clear that I was not saying this loud or mean. I made sure I kept my voice low because I didn't want her to accuse me of anything and I really did want to know if it was a change of heart. Then she started screaming that everything was their (the other kids) fault.  They made her mad, she just wants to smack them, etc...

I probably should've kept my yap shut and just let her vent. But you know hindsight and all that.  My big mouth started saying...Noooo, they have nothing to do with it...so then she promptly turned her anger on me.

Yay, go me! (but wait, I get even more dense!)

All of a sudden, I don't make her feel safe here, I've hit her thousands of times and I spank all the other kids and make them listen to the others screaming and crying while I do it. She wants a phone now because she's going to call the police on me...blah, blah, blah (<--- that's not there to make fun of what she's saying, I was so stunned I don't remember)...

then the clincher.... you're just like M and J (bio parents).

Then I said "Oh, really?" (yeah, rolling my own eyes now. God I can't believe I did that, I mean--I can't and then I can...one word...DUH! Why haven't I learned?)  So then I called the other kids in and told  her to go ahead and ask them or tell them or whatever she wanted to do. So she started saying that they get spanked all the time and how I've hit her a thousand times and of course the other kids are bewildered and start telling her it's not true to which CDQ gets even madder... and then I realize how F'in stupid I am and how *I* personally disrupted everyone out of my own damn fear over CDQs lies.  So I ushered everyone out and shut the door behind us.

Anyone ever seen Bridget Jones' Diary? Remember when it said "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucck......" on the screen.  That was my moment.

So I tried to think of something quickly. There I go with the mini tramp dragging it in there and telling her I think we should try it out.  She's a puddle. I'm a s$%^.  I help her on to the mini tramp and she's just blabbering and all I see is my kid hurting, I can't even hear her words.  I had already screwed up so badly I figured so what if she pushes me away or accuses me of touching her. I pulled her to me while she was still standing on the tramp and just hugged her as tight as I could. She actually melted into me.  I carried her off the tramp despite my screaming arms and I just told her how I felt about her. I told her that I didn't know all that had happened to her but that I knew that none of us in this house had purposefully hurt her and that I was sorry people had hurt her. I told her that I could see she was hurting, how I loved her and I didn't want to see her hurting and how she had no idea just how much I love her and we all love her. How she is my daughter to me, even if she doesn't want to be. I had to put her down because I would've dropped her my muscles were screaming so loud. So we sat down. We practiced breathing. Yep, BOTH of us.

I was cradling her like a baby in my arms.  She told me she wanted to tell me something inappropriate she said to the therapist. Here I'm thinking it's going to be cuss words. She tells me she wants to die. She wants to start asking people if they will kill her and she told the therapist this.

This is what is making me angry. I will ask the therapist first...but I believe my child did tell her this and she talked to me first about the Jonas Bros? WTF?  Then about cussing? When was she going to tell me my kid was suicidal? At the funeral?  I told her I wasn't upset and I didn't think it was inappropriate, I thought it was sad and we would all miss her.  She started telling me how she was just tired of hurting and it had been too long already and she just wanted it to stop.  I know how she feels. This whole experience thus far has made me feel this way too.

I told her that all this was temporary and that death was permanent and I asked her why she would let all those people who hurt her win and have that power over her. I told her the best thing she can do is show them that they didn't break her and that she's going to be just fine. I told her that her grandfather had hurt me too and that the last thing I would ever do is give him my life. I would never give him that power.

I told her that there was nothing she did that could have given anyone the idea that it was ok to touch her or do anything to her. I told her that if they told her she was ugly or dumb or anything like that to make her feel like she was nothing she should never believe them because they say those things to make you feel bad about yourself.  She said they said things like that and that they also said they were sorry. I said, "Oh, you got those kind. The kind that say they didn't mean it, they're sorry and they promise they will never do it again." She broke what was left of my heart. She said they never said they wouldn't do it again. I held her until she got up.

I decided she should go on the mini tramp anyway.  So she did, after she got off, she told me there was something else she wanted to tell me. She walked near her desk and lifted a sweater from the floor under it was scissors. She told me she was keeping them to attack anyone who came to get her but I don't think that was true. I think she could've hurt herself badly. I took them from her.

I came and sat in my room and I just thought about the whole day.  Just all of it.  Then something clicked.  When we were sitting in the parking lot that morning waiting for our appointment, I asked CDQ if she felt safe in the van, she said yes, I asked if she felt safe in the parking lot, sometimes, in the waiting room, no. Then I changed tracks, I asked her about our house, she said no. I asked her if it just started recently or when she first came here, she said when she first came here. Then,  I asked her if it was the house or the people in it. She said the people specifically her siblings. So I asked her if before when they lived with their bios if she felt this way and she said her whole life basically. When I asked her why, she said because it was always noisy and when you were scared because you thought someone was outside your window and you told them to shut up they wouldn't.

So that was said, then she had told me when we were sitting on the bed, that sometimes they just needed to cry and I need to let them ( I knew this was therapist talk because it sounded just like the cussing explanation the therapist tried to give me). I told her that I wasn't keeping her from crying, just from doing hurtful things to herself or others.

Then I thought about the comparing me to the bios.

It hit me like a ton of bricks....she's remembering her bios spanking them and being mean because they were crying and they wanted them to shut up. She's terrified because her little sister was murdered by her Dad just because she wouldn't stop crying. She thinks the same thing is going to happen here.

Doesn't it all seem so logical once we ( read: I) have a clue?

So much to post...

My hand hurts so bad but I'm going to try to get it all out. I had thought briefly about video blogging because there is so much to say but then CDQ has become a 24/7 fixture next to me and there's no way I could vlog like that.  

She's still next to me right now, lying down on the floor staring at a digital picture frame I have that flips through pictures randomly.

Ok, starting with last week's session for CDQ. I am trying not to be angry the best I can because I can't really say whether it true or not but I'm inclined to believe my kid right now. I'm still going to wait to speak to the therapist first though before I officially let myself be angry about it. After CDQ's session I had my 10 minutes with the therapist.  She said she had a few things to discuss with me. I thought there was some serious stuff but she starts off asking me if CDQ is allowed to listen to music whenever she wants. The answer is no, and the answer is no to what ever music she wants to listen to also.

This is since the day she lost her S%^& in Target. She saw a pj top with the j*onas B*ros (JB) on it and she flipped. She screeched, punched herself in the chest and head and pulled her hair and then slapped herself repeatedly while still screeching and screaming. It was as bad as it sounds and then some. I froze. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't even sure what the hell started it. We were looking through clothes and then that.  I realized when she finally screeched JB.

So, yeah, no more music. Well, not completely.  I've made some cds for them and I had downloaded songs for them to listen to on my computer so I could monitor that. They have a bedtime cd that has peaceful songs from some of their favorite movies, etc... Plus, we do family Wii nights, usually on holidays where they play Rock Band, Sing It!, and Dance, Dance, Revolution. So, there is music, just monitored.

Anyhow, she kept going on after I had already said what my rules were. Then she said "how about one JB song?"  That's where I lost some of my patience. I told her directly no and then she asked me why and I told her why.  CDQ had a LUMP on her head after that incident. Plus, she's already over-sexualized, I don't need to let Disney in my door that way so they can do more damage.

This has upset me. I'm not inflexible or overly controlling, but also I am the parent.  I understand Heather Forbes way is that every behavior comes from a place of love or fear. But I don't go so far as to believe that all children's manipulations are all fear based. This therapist does. "Normal" children use manipulation to get what they want, so do mine...fear or not. I still have not finished my Beyond Consequences stuff but I'm not sure if Heather Forbes takes it as far as this therapist does.  

Plus, she still hasn't gotten the full background on CDQ from me. She ran out of time and I guess that's all she wrote.

Anyhow, then she starts talking to me about how kids cuss. She said I shouldn't have a rule that kids can't cuss. She told me about her daughter in the 8th grade who cusses and how it doesn't bother her. I told her I was lucky I didn't have that problem and that CDQ and none of my other kids cuss. I've never had to say it, it was just understood that they shouldn't. I told her I am the cusser and that I have told my kids to never start and how I wish I hadn't and how bad it makes me feel and how dumb it makes me sound, etc... She still went on about it and I failed to see the point.

After session, I took CDQ with me to run some errands on the way home. A convo started like this.

CDQ: "The therapist said that if I wanted to listen to music, all I have to do is ask you."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we talked about that and the therapist was confused. She knows our rules now and she understands. But you can still ask. "
CDQ: "Can I listen to music sometime?"
Me: " It depends on whether I think you can handle it or not."
CDQ: "ok"

Um...triangulation much?  "The therapist said"...grrr
I am THE parent. *sigh*  I believe the therapist did "say" that to her. Maybe not with that intent but still.

Then you'll love this...later that night...I have a cussing child. (I tell you I so want to type sonofabeep right here!)

I don't care if it doesn't bother the therapist if her teen daughter cusses but my kid is 10 and she wasn't cussing before.  I told CDQ that I didn't know what the therapist said to her but that our rule was she didn't cuss (hey, I have a rule now!) and I'd like it to stay that way (Also, c'mon...it's still Heather Forbes-ish...right?). I gave her alternative words to say.

And lest I sound too hypocritical, I've also made a point of correcting my language in front of the kids. The words might slip but I change them to alternative words. So I am trying. I'm giving up my only outlet. I can still semi cuss on here without offending anyone, right? lol

I'm really struggling with the whole parenting thing.  Really.  I have no confidence when it comes to this and I wish I knew my rights. I am still so terrified that they can take my kids from me.  I'm terrified for my kids because I've made them so many promises about their safety here.  Maybe that's why I am so scared because even though we've adopted them I still feel like I have no rights. I don't want to be another person who lied to them and let them down.

My situation is crazy. I know that. I think I am holding up damn well. Hubbin's home health nurse almost made me cry. Hubbins sore has gotten worse. I didn't know if it was because I couldn't change his sore for a few days (really bad flare up and I couldn't lift him). She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her all of it because she used to do treatment foster care for RAD kids and schizo kids. She said she had to get out, she just couldn't do it anymore.  She thought we only had three kids. I told her there were 5. That's when she said she wanted to cry and tears came to her eyes. She didn't know how I was doing when she thought we had 3 and she couldn't imagine 5. I wanted to cry because I could only imagine how the kids she cared for must've hurt her for her to feel like crying. She gets it and she knows.  She knows both sides; mine and the kids pain.  She's the only person I know IRL who knows what it's like here. She's the only one I'll tell about my pain from the RA and the reason why I was so bad then too was because I had a wisdom tooth trying to come out and it was shifting my entire jaw. I can still feel that my jaw isn't right but at least the tooth has changed it's mind about coming out for now.

This is only part of it...now on to the really crazy beautiful stuff which will further explain my true anger with the therapist if I find out what CDQ said to me is true.

Don't call them Radishes!

I came across this article while looking for more information...what do you guys think?

A Final Word: Don't Call Them Radishes!

Therapist Gregory Keck, who works with many children with RAD and who wrote the book Helping the Hurt Child, makes an interesting statement about the acronym "R-A-D". He points out that many parents of children with RAD and organizations for children with RAD refer to the children as "Rad Kids" or even "Radishes". Keck wonders what would happen if, at a conference for parents of children with cancer, a mother stood up and said, "I'm a Cancer mom with three Cancer kids! These Cancer kids are really hard to live with! Cancer kids sometimes even cause their parents to get divorced!" Obviously, such words would not be appropriate. But in the case of RAD, this language is often accepted. Keck says that calling a child a "Rad Kid" or "Radish" degrades the child, putting more emphasis on the child and less on the disorder. It refers to the child as if he was the disorder, and as if the disorder was as permanent as hair color or ethnic background.

Keck suggests that we always use the words "Reactive Attachment Disorder" or say the acronym "RAD", instead of saying "Rad", "Rad kid" or "Radish". This puts our focus back on what RAD really is. It is Reactive because the child is reacting to trauma. Attachment is what the child is unable to do as a result. And Disorder suggests that it is something that can be treated. As a person who has worked with children with special needs for years, I think this idea goes along well with the "people first" language. Children with RAD are, after all, children first. 

Link to full article is here.


I've never been comfortable with the term and have used it only twice because I didn't want to give my children's names specifically and never in front of my children, just because I wasn't sure how to explain it.  But I'm not sure I buy into the explanation this author gives... after all when I am talking about RAD, I am talking about my child's RAD behaviors, not my child. My children are totally different when they are regulated and not having RAD behaviors. Personally, I use regulated and dysregulated around them and just found out I should be teaching them those terms. Instead, I've chosen to use stressed out for dysregulated so they can maybe start to identify with words when they are feeling out of sorts. 


BTW, the title of this post isn't my point of view or opinion, I just took it from the section of the article I pasted.