I will be back...

I know I haven't been here in ages. But I will be back.

I wasn't feeling all so great in the wee hours of last night and this morning and I was thinking I was going to be sick. I still feel off. But I feel compelled.

Compelled to clean my house and start off 2009 with a bang. My mom had this friend who would pack her suitcase for new years because she believed that she would get to travel a lot if she did.

Well, I want my house clean. I mean...well clean. Ordered chaos would be nice. With the kids moving in (yeah, I know almost three years ago) I was never able to catch up and get proper again. Then with the almost move everything really got screwed up. So, we are sorta living out of boxes, kinda. I hate it. I've unpacked a ton too!

Unfortunately, it all belonged in the kitchen. lol

I don't usually do resolutions but I've thought of some. 2008 has been (hopefully) the culmination of all that has been shitty for the past 3.5 years. I want 2009 to be better.

I know the beginning is going to be rocky financially because we are still squaring away all the house mess. (I *still* don't know if the other house is keeping our money or what...I e-mailed the realtor and nothing. I fear she's trying to hold off until after the holidays.) One post I wanted to write but haven't yet is about how this house (even in boxes) is still *home*. I don't feel like I lost much even though the other house was beautiful. I guess I just feel like I lost a lot of money. lol BUT, I see now that holy cow! we have money! and I need to figure out where it is going. I mean...we lost a lot and it came from somewhere... *looking around suspiciously*

If the kids didn't have their disorders, if the house wasn't in such a .... neighborhood. Everything would be perfect. So to me, that means home is perfect. I don't know...maybe we will see about making this house bigger or doing some other improvements in 2009. We do have a half acre to play with. Maybe we can just plant trees and shut the neighborhood out? lol Who knows?

But I do know things need to change and they need to get better.

So, I'll be back with pictures (tons of pictures...lol) I know, I keep saying I will add them but I mean it. I just need to crop them and name them and fix the glare or the red eye...lol I'm still getting used to the new camera. I am so happy that it doesn't just shut off like the old one did.

I will be in denial about being sick and I will press on.

Things are going to get better.

The sweet sound of silence

It is midnight and everyone is asleep. I will probably pay for this tomorrow morning but I needed this. Total silence. Time to catch up on my blog reading, see how you all are doing. The chocolatey smell of brownies baking is in the air. Mmmm...

I wish I had a good book and a fireplace. Or at least a fireplace since I have so many posts to catch up on. lol


The ceremony went ok. I'm trying not to think too much about it. I didn't get any pictures and unfortunately the video I did get wasn't very good. I had to cut out a huge chunk of the ceremony because the one girl I added it for did not show up. Her parent RSVP'd and didn't bother to let me know she wasn't coming. This is the same parent who wrote me what seemed like an angry e-mail telling me she "didn't know what was going on with this troop". How 'bout checking the website? Or reading your e-mails? Or maybe that hardcopy newsletter I sent out through the school (which by the way is also available on the website, that same one we check our kids grades on?)

We had a late setup because the room had been overbooked by half an hour and I left to get the cake not realizing there weren't enough chairs and that they were locked in the classrooms. Then girls showed up late and I had waited for them.

I love these girls but quite frankly some of the parents are total assholes.

I've got good parents too. Really good parents.

Speaking of assholes... the woman who was the co-leader had the audacity to start talking about me with my family there in the room while I was out. I knew she would show up early to criticize. The oldest heard her telling another parent something about "not friend material" she doesn't know if she was talking about me. I told her not to worry about it. I never tried to be her friend if she was talking about me. After all that street goes both ways. I don't know who talks like that other than snotty bitches. But if it had occurred to me before to put it in those words, I would have said the same thing about her. If anything, it was a great teaching moment to talk to my kids about assholes and how they don't matter. lol I'm laughing because I am so trying to think of a better way to write the above but the words just fit so perfectly for the people I am talking about.

This woman's daughter almost made me cry. I'm getting teary in my old age. lol

We made handprint calendars ( I will post pics) which I intended to be keepsakes for the parents. Both my co-assistants for Brownies and Daisies loved them. My Brownie assistant was telling the girls how their parents are going to keep these calendars forever. When one of my girl's piped up "Not so and so's mom, she throws it away." I was mortified but the little girl, who turned out to be the asshole's daughter, was very matter of fact about how her mother throw's her stuff away and how it just sits on the refrigerator until it goes to the trash. I was at a loss. My refrigerator is COVERED with handmade magnets, pictures, tests or coloring pages my kids are proud of, etc... Luckily, my assistant said "sometimes we have to make room for new things." she winked at me. The poor girl started to say none of her stuff was up and I changed the subject. I've been to her house and it doesn't look like there are any children in that house at all.

Later we were practicing the Brownie Smile Song and I told them to show their big beautiful smiles so their parents could see them at the ceremony. This same little girl piped up that her's was ugly. I told her I didn't think so and she pointed at a tooth that was growing out of her gums at the top. I told her that was nothing and I mentioned CDQ had two of those and they came down. CDQ was standing next to her and was adamantly shaking her head that yes indeed they were up there and showing her how they had come down. I told all my girls that they had beautiful smiles and to never let anyone tell them otherwise. I just wanted to cry for her. She also has a lazy eye. I'm going to look through the badges and see what I can find dealing with self image or something girly where the girls can primp each other and tell each other how pretty they are. Something like that... You know how it is, one girl likes another girls straight hair, or eye color, or curly hair or something. I'm thinking something like that would be great followed up with one of those share something nice about each person. By that I mean, everyone writes something they like about a certain person and then all those notes go to that person in an envelope and are read aloud, then they can keep the envelope so they can read the nice comments when ever they want.

I've already worked hard with my shy girl. I was sooooo proud of her when she sang at the ceremony!

I feel like I am attached to these girls. I keep thinking I am not going to do this next year. It's too much stress with Hub's health and the kids not behaving and the parents who don't do their part. But then I think of these girls.... I was making their calendars and each calendar has a picture of the girl on the inside cover and I was smiling thinking about how great they are and how different and beautiful. I can tell these girls are going to change the world as long as they know that they can. Unfortunately, a lot of them do not have mother's who support that. They want to teach them that money=status. But I'm going to do what I can to change that or at least put the idea that money isn't everything and doesn't change who you are.

It makes me kind of sad because I don't feel that way about my own children anymore. I can't see the things in them that I used to and when I try to remember I can't. But I am glad to be aware of that and to try and look for the things in my kids. I think our kids are on such a quest to push us away, they aren't letting us see them and who they are and we are so busy in the trenches trying to figure out behaviors that they are successful in hiding who they are.

Need some advice.

About a month ago, I guess, I was having issues with the four youngest using the restroom in their bedrooms despite the bathroom being less than 5 feet away from each of their rooms. I believe it was Torina who suggested the buckets which have worked. In fact, they worked so well, the kids decided they wanted to use them for the most part. I wasn't too happy with that but at least it wasn't the carpet, the mattresses or the walls. We thought if we made them responsible for emptying and cleaning their buckets it would get old. So far, not so.

Then tonight, I hear CDQ asking to empty her bucket. I'm peeved about it because why in the hell do they just not go to the toilet? That room is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the bathroom. So, I go to ask yet again, why they can't just go in the toilet. But I find CDQ huddled in the corner behind a dresser with the bucket and Poufy sitting with her cover on watching.

I didn't know that CDQ had the bucket. I thought maybe she had stolen something and was hiding/hoarding it.

I asked her what it was. She said nothing, then Poufy said CDQ put water in the bucket to drink it.

I couldn't speak.

CDQ started accusing Poufy of "making" her do it. But I don't think Poufy was into doing that from the look on her face when I entered the room. In fact I can safely say that tonight it was NOT Poufy's plan to do that.

When I was finally able to regain my speech, I told CDQ I knew she was lying so she just confirmed it with the fake crying and starting to go into meltdown mode. She told me the boy and SS were doing it too. I basically raced across to the other room and asked them where they denied it with the appropriate amount of disgust.

Thank God.

They told me that CDQ had done it yesterday.

I'm surprised she's not sick. I'm at a loss. We tried giving them water bottles in their rooms so they could have water whenever they needed or wanted, but that backfired. They used it as a means to use the restroom everywhere in their rooms and to be out stealing. So then we let them have it only during the day in their rooms, taking them away an hour before bedtime. But I caught one of the kids squirting the water from the water bottle up into her private and the others seem to think it was there so they can have water fights or to soak the carpet, pillow, mattress, etc... So we took water bottles away from them and keep them on the table allowing them to get a drink every hour or when ever they ask. We just supervise them to make sure they aren't stealing. Which is the same thing with the bathroom, but they say they don't have to go because they've been using the buckets.

I don't know what to do. I've been busy preparing for the Girl Scout ceremony, not feeling so great and my husband has been having health issues so we slipped up some this week. I guess it wouldn't have happened if I had been there quicker. I can only think that the bucket did not need to be emptied and that's how she was able to fill it and return it so quickly. Hubs told her she could empty it, I was turning off the iron and I was already half way down the hall when I heard her calling through the intercom if she could come hug hubs goodnight. That must have been a cover up and I thought it was odd and remarked about it as I passed Hubs on the way to their room.

I've thought about telling them I want them to use the buckets and see if the ODD will kick in and they won't want to use it anymore. I'm afraid of what I am going to find in their room tomorrow.

The other thing, Poufy was doing great. So great, I mentioned to Hubs not Poufy that I thought maybe we should put her in Girl Scouts again. I think this triggered her to regress. I don't understand it because she WANTS this. So, I'm trying to figure out do I just put her in it and see how it goes or by her doing this does it mean she's not ready to go back to Girl Scouts?

I just don't know what to do or what I did wrong or anything anymore I guess.

I did explain to all of them like they were 2 and maybe didn't know that it was not an appropriate thing to do. Using the bucket or drinking from it. I told them it was for strict emergencies (maybe that was my mistake?). I told them they could get really sick and die from drinking that stuff. Which I've explained to them when they contaminated the dogs water like two weeks ago. I told them it was the same thing. NO one should drink or eat that.

Help... please. Advice? I'm trying to understand but finding it VERY hard.

MIA

Ok, I know I haven't been here to post so just a quick post to let you all know that I am preparing for a huge multilevel (Daisy, Brownie, Junior) Girl Scout ceremony this Friday. It's my first one that I'm doing. I have a Junior meeting tomorrow (snow permitting), a Brownie Meeting Wednesday and I'm picking up everything Thursday for Friday night. The bridge, the cake, etc... I'm also finishing up the girls parent presents, some ceremony presents for the girls and ironing on patches. *phew*

So that is where I will be this week. I'm still trying to drop in and keep up with everyone and their blogging and facebook.

What we did anyway.

So I've posted about the good and the bad and now I am going to show you what we did anyway.

About an hour and a half (wasted) into the meltdown, I realized that she was manipulating me. I was trying to get everyone safe and occupied and make sure we weren't egging her on with attention. I realized, why should I cancel our plans because of her?

We were supposed to make sugar cookies while snacking on rice krispy treats and hot chocolate. The others were looking forward to it and here I was about to end it all because of CDQ.

I have to get over it. I had mentioned that we would be doing things without people who didn't feel up to participating but in my "good post" pictures, you can see I still waited until it was a good moment for all of them to decorate. I need to realize that LIFE GOES ON...lol I need to stop modifying things because I am messing with the structure and their expectations.

So, I quickly got the chocolate going in the cocomotion machine, which by the way if you don't have one,they are awesome. I looked at them when they were $20 and thought really, who needs this? But I bought one on clearance for $5 (I guess I wasn't the only one who thought that) and I quickly realized this machine is great. It mixes up the chocolate really well and it gives a foam on top that hubs and the kids love. Anyway... I mixed up the dough and got out the cookie cutters and called them out.

I was so happy we did. It was real family time. Their excitement... it has been awhile and I was so glad I did this. They behaved like the children who were first placed with me, not what this mess has become. Hubs and I helped them with their cookies and made some of our own. I hadn't seen genuine smiles like that in a long time. I had forgotten what they looked like. They were so polite and sharing. The team work! I wish times like these could last. Then I wondered...if I took out the kid with the trouble at whatever moment that happened, could we still have happy times like these without that child? What would it mean for that child? Should I worry so much about that ONE child? What does it do for their attachment issues if they are left out? Lots to think about.

Is it so simple? I even got a couple of Good Night Moms from them. *sigh*

The Bad...

I could never catch them when it was happening. They both accuse each other of hurting each other. I suspected strongly that it was CDQ because she is violent. But I couldn't prove or disprove either case...until tonight.

I went to tell them to stop rough housing because it sounded like they were getting a little out of control with their playing. I had no idea she was hurting him. That is until I opened the door and saw her bending back his fingers with her face up in his.

She jumped up immediately and started crying that he was hurting her. The boy just sat there holding his hand, he had tears running down his face. I caught her. She was busted. So she started screaming at me. I told her she better watch who she is screaming at. Then I realized I need to stop and think for a second. I tried to talk to her. Sometimes, I can talk her down before she loses it. But this time, she was busted so she was going to pull out all the stops.

I said " I am not going talk to you right now, good night." and I shut the door. Of course about 10 minutes into it, I realized I had left the boy in there with her. Oops.

She was too busy slamming herself against the wall and trying to punch a hole in the walls to do anything to him. I called him out and that's when I saw it.

She had used her nails and did this to him through his sock.

I wish I could get better pictures. His neck has her finger and hand marks on it. There are tiny red blotches almost rashlike. She was choking him.

If the marks come out stronger tomorrow, I am going to take more pictures. I just couldn't get the new camera to capture it.

She was beyond pissed that we could see what she had done to him so she was screeching and screaming "don't hurt me!", "Somebody please help me, please!", "Ow! you're hurting me!" , etc... and she was in the room all by herself. Sometimes, I try to stand by a window when she is doing that so people can see me because truly we never know when someone will believe them, right?

I decided to videotape from the bathroom which is on the other side of the wall. I didn't want to record her directly, but I need to know. I don't feel like any therapist or anyone else I've talked to gets the magnitude of what I am trying to tell them. This was after an hour, the very worst had past for the time being until she worked up some more steam. I wanted to ask all of you if this is what your kids meltdowns are like, is this what you mean when you say they are raging?

She went on and on but I stopped recording and simply went in and told her to sit in the middle of the room so she would be away from all walls. She had already kicked me a few times when I was trying to get her away from the walls earlier, so if someone was wondering why I was letting her do that, well, I can't get hurt.

They have already physically hurt me and hurt or not I still have to get my husband in his wheelchair everyday. I don't have any health insurance or anything if one of them were to hurt me badly and I can't leave any of them as I have no help whatsoever. But even if that weren't an issue, I don't think there is anything I could do to help her when she is like this other than to let her get it out.

I just need to know, is this what you guys are dealing with or is this when I start forcing people to give her residential treatment?

The good...

They are actually all there in this picture. Can you spot them all? lol