Getting Back to Good...

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself. Who I was and who I have become now are two different people. I'm not happy with who I have become. I've never been so insecure and complaisant.  I've never been a quitter but in a sense, I have quit.

I have several posts in drafts that never seem to make it on here. I don't really like my writing anymore. It's rushed and jumbled just like all the other thoughts in my head.  My mind has raced for as long as I can remember, but the parts where I can't remember things or form a sentence are new.

Last week, while I was out grocery shopping, my mom had a free reading of her aura done.  She insisted I give it a try. I sat down and said nothing as the woman went through my reading. She showed me where the colors insisted I had strong ideas of how the world and things are supposed to be (check). She told me that I loved to love people (hmmm....).  She told me I had a good heart and was a person who liked to laugh but hadn't been able to in a long time.  She showed me all the black and told me it represented people who were against me and suppressing my joy and happiness.  She told me I was under a huge amount of stress and asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. At the time, nothing was wrong.

I decided to confide some of my stress because in the background my mother and grandmother were arguing behind me in spanish loudly. For some reason my grandmother decided it was ok to spit anywhere now. UGH.

So my mom was disgusted (of course). I was embarrassed, but c'est la vie. I mean what can I do but clean up and apologize?  Anyhow, I got that look and I realized that is part of my problem.  I will never be just a mom like everyone else.  Or even just a person.  Even though I have aged so much in the last 4 years, I still look younger than I am. I am that poor girl with the jacked up family. I get pity stares because of my life. The woman asked if she could give me a hug and she whispered in my ear that she thinks she can help me.

I didn't feel this bad about my life when everything started.  I didn't realize it was person after person who made me feel bad about my life.  Made me feel like I've wasted my life.  I had so much potential and this was what I was doing with it. As if this was a bad word.  

It was me...past tense.

I fell into it and I fell apart.  I wanted more but I gave less.

I fell into the pity party because every time I tried to pick myself up, I got kicked back down again and it started to take me longer and longer to get back up.  RA was the last straw because I felt even God was kicking me when I was down.

Last night and all day yesterday I had a major flare up.  It was my fault. I've been in denial about the RA and wasn't taking my pills.  I screwed myself.  As I laid in my recliner trying to breathe, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to take from all of this.  What was my lesson?  

I forced myself to do things,  my mom drove me so I could go grocery shopping. On the way there, the window had been down and my hair had blown across my face with one strand teasing across my forehead causing it to itch almost unbearably. I tried to make a joke of it because I was afraid to move because of the pain. My mom reached over and pushed my hair off my face. Tears sprung in my eyes. That voice told me this is what I had been reduced to and for what purpose? How was I supposed to help when I couldn't even do for myself?   

I was always the type to keep pushing through all the crap. I had to be the best. I had to prove that I wasn't like the family I came from.  All I had was my faith. I did things blindly and without question because I thought it was what God wanted of me.

Now, I am just lost. Trying to find all the pieces so I can put me back together again.  That in the midst of raising 5 troubled kids,  taking care of my husband, my mother and grandmother.

I'm not looking for pity.  Maybe I'm not even trying to understand why anymore.

But I know something has to change, and I know that I have to make it happen.

Things we take for granted...

The oldest and I spent some time together this weekend. Saturday we ran over to Old Navy and took advantage of their $2 cami sale.

I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.

I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK!  Seriously.

I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM  (<--  My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.

Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it.  I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.

All was good in the world.

lol.

We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone.  She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand.  The oldest is 14 years old.  I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it.  So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.

It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative.  I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing.  Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child.  I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.

It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.

Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating.  But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).

I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things  that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related.  I mentioned homecomings and Proms.  I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.

I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...

I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her.  I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.

As a parent of special needs kids,  I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?

But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.

She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble.  She said "You would do that for me?"

That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you!  That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.

She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know?  She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.

I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.

I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.

To me those are little things, insignificant.  $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life.  But to her it means something.

I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?

And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them.  The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn.  Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.

But I'm game for it. :-)

Saturdays with Scrawnie or, um Sunday

Here I am, Meow to everyone! 

I was very busy this Caturday. Mom was gone alllllllll day. So I got to do a lot of this: 

and this:

on Mom's bed.

Hehe. 

Mom went to the pet store today and she didn't take the dogs with her. Ugh!  Instead she came back smelling like.... are you ready for this? 

KITTEN! 

Double UGH!  

I thought I lost a life when Mom told Dad she signed up to be a Foster Mama for baby kittens. But she told Dad she was kidding... I'm worried she's not. Hmmm...

Can you imagine all those little brats running around- Meow this and Meow that, I'd never get any mom time. They'd probably eat all my food, use my box and break allllll my toys. It's bad enough my sister Purries follows me everywhere and watches me do everything.  Mom says she looks up to me, but I think she's spying on me. I don't even want to talk about my sister Smudge. She's always trying to attack me for NO reason whatsoever. 

Mom, if you read this, NO MORE KITTEHS! 

That is all.  Meow you later!

My mom made me do it! That or it was the cricket's fault!

Ok, I wrote this looooong post and went to add pictures and my browser froze and even though I had saved my post before I clicked to add pictures when I brought it all back up it was gone. $$%^^&!

I thought I would share my pee story with you instead. Aren't I great?  I just hope it isn't one of those you had to be here for it to be funny moments.  *blush*  Most of us talk about our kids peeing issues but I'm going to put mine out there.

So, this is what happened. I *hate* crickets. I mean really really do not like them. But I feel like they sense this or something and purposely come to where ever I am at to bug me.

It started out innocently enough, I heard a cricket in my bathroom and I was telling my mom how I loathe them and how they are out to get me and she rolled her eyes at me basically dismissing me, but not 15 minutes later, I could have SWORN the cricket was behind my recliner.

I got up and went to find my mom to prove my point. When she came to my room, she went near my recliner and she thought she heard it behind my recliner too. So she gets on my recliner, knees first and leans forward on the back part of the recliner. She's leaning saying something to me when the recliner tips forward and quite literally her FACE is plastered to the wall.  I mean she is kissing the wall, her legs are flailing all around because the recliner has opened and the part for your feet is now up near my waist. Her face coming in contact with the wall is what stopped her from tipping completely over.

I am standing there basically just taking it all in dumbfounded when that little voice in my head tells me to push down on the foot part of the recliner ( I don't know why I was operating in slow motion. lol!). I push it down and her face comes away from the wall.  The first thing she says is, "I think I broke my glasses!"

Between the feet flailing and the way she said that, I lost it. I started laughing uncontrollably and that's when it happened. Less than 10 ft away from the bathroom. I did a mad dash, but I was too late. *blush*

1.) I didn't even have to pee.
2.) I now call my mom "The Pee Whisperer"

I'm telling you.  She has made my sisters pee several times. Even her friends. Her friend L, who she used to hang out with all the time peed herself so many times.  She peed on a dance floor in a club, a cab in Mexico, on a cruise... my mom does some stupid things. I don't think all the people she knows have weak bladders.

I hadn't peed myself in decades until then. UGH! Last time she almost got me, we were in a Target. She was smelling lotions and soaps.  She opened a bottle of shampoo (I think it was) and she couldn't smell it, so she squeezed it a little except it shot up onto the front of her shirt. If that wasn't bad enough. She was standing there trying to rub it off her shirt when she created a LATHER right there on the chest part of her shirt. Holy cow! I was laughing so hard I was crying and then I decided I better walk away from her before she did something else!

Oh gosh, I almost forgot like a week later when we were emptying the storage of her stuff she almost made me wet myself completely again. We were trying to load her table into my van and it's the kind that  spreads apart to add more wood slats to make it bigger. Well I was picking it up from the bottom and she decided to pick it up from the legs. Except when she grabbed the legs and lifted she caught her shirt and some of her belly skin in the space between the two ends.

What was funny was she was yelling at me to put it down when I didn't even have it yet and it was her who was squeezing the two ends of the table together by the legs and pinching her belly skin. So, imagine this...the top flat side of the table is up against her and she has one hand on each of the legs, when she picks it up she squeezes the legs together pushing the two halves tightly together on her belly pinching herself.

I yelled at her to put it down and she did then she rips her shirt up under her chin to see her belly, exposing herself in the process. She was wearing a bra of course, but still. She's pointing out the red streak going down her belly and all this in front of a security camera that was pretty much facing our storage unit. They must've got an eye-full from us that day. lol!

I IM'd Hubbins what happened and he wanted me to ask for the footage. *rolling eyes* He wanted to send it to the funny video show.

So there it is....I'm worried I might become the next "Whisperer" because not too long ago, I did something that made the oldest pee her pants. I wish I could remember what it was... I think a cricket might have been involved.

My Wish Book

I've had this book for a month or so and I've spent a minute here and there looking through it.  

I still haven't gone through the whole book, but right off the top I know I want to make this Mickey cake for my 35th birthday.  I had a huge Mickey cake for my first birthday made in the same way with the star tip and I figure what the heck. It's another milestone, isn't it? 

I saw these cute little cakes and thought my girls would love them. I'm thinking I might turn it into a homeschool cooking assignment. I can teach them how to bake a cake (math), color (art) and roll fondant (geometry?), etc.... Plus, I can totally see how I can change this up for the boy. He can make Lightning McQueen from Cars out of one of these too! 

Lastly, I saw this wedding cake. Hubbins and I didn't have one.  But I just loved this cake. 

When Hubbins and I got together, I had my calico and he had his german shepherd. This one is so simple and cute. Maybe it's time Hubbins and I did a little family reception (we have plenty of people in our house. lol) or something. The whole wedding thing probably should have been postponed (for like the 5th time) but I had enough of it and set a date at the beginning of the year.  Turns out all my kids were being baptized the weekend before the date I had chosen and I had to make all their dresses, so my stuff was put on the back burner. We were having hard times financially back then because of promises that were made when the children were placed and then reneged on after they told us to move forward and spend our money because it would all be paid back in time for things like our mortgage and food. 

Of course, I don't regret marrying Hubbins but there are some things I do regret.  I chose our witnesses.  Had I known our situation with the kids and such was going to be too much for them to handle, I would have chose otherwise.  The day of our wedding is the last day I saw them.  At the time, I had wanted to give them a gift and some money for the gas they spent coming up.  My gifts are handmade and I didn't get them done in time because I was really on the edge of everything and wasn't sure if the wedding date was still going to be.  I didn't have the money then either. I requested an address several times and no response. This year, I spent the money I had aside because I gave up on the friendship. At this point, it seems so one-sided anyway. I used to chalk it up to the way they were.  But I was that way too and I made an exception...sooo. 

I think it's time to start making some good memories and stop focusing on all that we have lost.  I need to let go of the guilt.  I believe it's my fault Hubbins didn't get a traditional wedding and that everything sucked for him too. My family, my friends.... sometimes I feel like because of me his life has been taken too. 

Wow, where did all that come from...and to think, this book is fun for me. LOL! 

Anyhow, don't know if I am allowed to publish these pics but they all came from the Wilton Yearbook 2011 that I have pictured at the top. If you're someone from Wilton and this is a problem, just let me know and I'll take them down.  :-) 

Saturdays with Scrawnie

I love reading William's blog.  He has a brother named Russell who reminds me of my brain dead bro Rusty. Rusty's gone. Mom said I must've gave him the wrong directions to home so he would never come back. Um, I have no comment on that. Well, actually...take a look at this face, would I do something like that? Really??

Mom calls it my "Emo cat calendar pic"because I look like everything is just so tragic.  Mom's always telling me I could be a  model. You know the kind that model for cat calendars and cat food? I don't know about that.  I don't really think I need to work or anything.  I find the whole topic of work to be the funniest thing ever.

This is me when mom told me to get a job. 

For Mother's day Mom got a Nikon D5000. She practices taking pictures of me every now and then around 3 or 4 in the morning when everyone is sleeping and she can't fall asleep. I think that's why most of my pics come out like this.

I was trying to smile but my eyes were soooo tired. Aren't there like cat labor laws for this stuff?

So tired. 

Just get it over with. 

Sometimes I try really hard. These are my Betty Davis eyes...can't you see the resemblance?

This is me. 

This is Betty.

Almost can't tell who is who, right?


Anyhow, at Williams blog, Russell has a whole day to himself on Tuesdays. I decided I wanted to share my beauty blog too. But... I'm not as reliable.  I mean, I'm 11 years old and set in my ways.  Ya know?

So maybe I'll see you next Saturday and maybe I won't...

I'm off to take a nap, I never know how late mom will have me up 'til. *yawn*

Hurting for a friend...

I think most of my readers read the same blogs as I do but if you haven't read Lisa's story, now is the time to click on over there and send a few prayers her way.

She and J (her oldest daughter)  have been a godsend to so many of us who are parenting children with RAD. Her willingness to share what she has learned has helped my children so much.  When I was at a crossroads it was Lisa's other blog and the information that was there for FREE that helped me to set my children towards a healing path.  Her support was truly the only direct support I had.  It was at a time when I thought I would have to dissolve our adoption to get my children the help they needed.

Now, it's Lisa who needs all the support she can get. Now she may be at that same crossroads because of a system that has failed and the need to get her child the help she needs.

It shouldn't be this way.