Why beyond consequences therapy did not work for us.

So, those of you who have been reading here for awhile have read about the therapy maze we have weaved through.

Initially, I loved our very first therapist. I got his point. I totally understood where he was going BUT my kids didn't get him. He was more for the older child. I was really bummed to let him go. I still wish things could've worked out with him because he really was a great therapist, just not trained in what we needed. In fact, with the exception of CDQ's issues, he would be an awesome family therapist for the rest of us where we are now.

Then I had the therapist from hell. At first, I thought she was exactly what we needed but then things started getting weird. She asked me a lot of questions and met with me for longer periods than she met with my children. She would get so exasperated by my kids because they wouldn't comply with her ideas of how they should react. She said she knew about RAD and she taught me the hold.  But in the end, she had only read Nancy Thomas' book and really didn't know any more than I did.  I will always regret listening to her because before her, I had never spanked a child in my life.  The spanking crap didn't last long because of several reasons: 1.) I told her it had never worked on their mother and 2.) I was already developing RA and the veins in my fingers were busting already for no reason at all. 3) I HATED it.

I have apologized many times to my children for that mistake and the no spanking rule has been in effect since before I terminated that therapist.  Of course, on our way out, she threatened me that she would report me but couldn't tell me why.  Nice huh?

Then at the beginning of this year we found an actual attachment therapist. I was so excited. I thought we had found the answer.  But at the first meeting, I should have listened to my gut.  I have it documented in this very blog that she said she didn't really work with the kids, she taught the parents how to deal with their children.  But after her first meeting with CDQ, I was given forms to sign...video consents..not just to record her, but to show her videos at conferences and training sessions. I gave them permission because I thought it could help other people and more importantly she told me she would be showing them to another therapist who was a visiting expert.

As I've noted, from day 1 I wasn't allowed in the room. I should've said no and brought her home instead, but I let her go and she said she was ok. The whole thing was a disaster. I took the training for Heather Forbes and Dr. Post but it was not the right therapy for CDQ.

The whole premise is that you let your child vent and when they are regulated you can speak with them and they will hear you. But what happens when you have a child who never regulates? or when you have a child who quickly becomes disregulated when you try to say anything they don't agree with or perceive to be parenting?

I'll tell you what happens...you become the child's doormat/punching bag.  Then you have a therapist who tells you to agree with the child no matter what disgusting lies they are telling about you and others so that the child will feel supported because it is what the child believes....

*sigh*

So the child believes everything they are saying and you have effectively confirmed their lies to be true because you nodded like a dumbshit and and kept telling yourself "it's not really about you, it's not really about you." like a good little puppet. Even when the kid tells you it seems like "you're kissing her butt."

One might ask why I put up with all this?

I was desperate.

I was also terrified. Despite what my state wants to say I misunderstood, I was told that they would take the kids away from me if I couldn't care for them. This is when I was asking for therapy recommendations.

That rocked me to my core. I believed they had the power.  I still believe they have the power. But as of today, I am not afraid. I have not done anything wrong.  If the spanking was wrong...well then they better start collecting everyone else's kids too.  I've been absolutely terrified that my kids would be taken from me.   I promised them and I am not like everyone else.   Even our last name is linked to that promise.  I don't take promises lightly and I don't make very many.

But today, I understood. It is better for me to stand up to CDQ ,who is a child but who is also an abuser in our home, and finally be that role model that shows them there are nonviolent ways to stick up for yourself and that abuse is not the norm. Also, walking on eggshells probably just solidifies any previous lifestyle they had become to believe was the norm. If you're being abused just look the other way, don't rock the boat, etc....

I have come to realize that even if they were to take my children, it would all be unfounded and they would come back to me and they would know the real reasons why... I know there's no point in worrying about this when it may never come to pass but I'm still working on that and I still need to feel like I have rights and I can protect my children.

My therapist has been telling me to express to CDQ how she makes me feel, but I didn't want to rock the boat. CDQ's new therapist told me that I'm allowed to say whatever I want and I don't have to cater to her every need. It's not going to be like that in the real world. At the new place, they are helping CDQ deal with the real world and not getting her way.  They told her I might not have time for her, they told her I might not want to talk to her and they told her she might not like what I have to say. But she was going to have to deal with it and that went for anyone, anywhere in the world.

In my eyes, this new therapy is going to prepare her for the real world. It's all about communication and respect with a little empathy thrown in there. I can't see anything wrong with that and at this point, what do I have left?