ICU Trip Number 2, Part 1

The next morning, I was getting things ready to take Hubbins a bath when he started complaining about his blood pressure. My mom had gone to the drugstore to get his prescriptions and I was trying to figure out what was wrong.

Basically, his blood pressure bottomed out and we couldn't get a reading. The numbers just kept falling on the blood pressure machine. Nothing I did would cause spasms to get his blood pressure back up. I called his wound care nurse and she asked me a bunch of questions. Hubbins was sweaty and cold by then and she advised me to get him to the hospital ASAP.

I called my mom to tell her to come home quick. She told me the insurance was questioning the prescription for a phosphate replenisher type drink. We have yet to find out what happened with that, but thank God, Hubbins doesn't need it.

I called an ambulance for Hubbins and I had asked the wound care nurse which hospital she thought he should go to. I requested he be taken there.

Now, here's where I need to back up a little. When I got home that night, CDQ was in bad shape. She had been throwing up the night before and had a fever. I took her temp and it was 101.1. She complained of pain on her lower left side and her tongue was white. I realized quickly she was dehydrated and constipated so it was milk of magnesia and pedialyte for her.

Next, one of my bettas died and another had popeye and cloudy eye. Luckily, I had the meds for that and quickly dosed him. As of this minute, he needs a water change but his sickness is almost gone.

Thirdly, I had thought that Lil Miss Purries had gone feral on me again for leaving her. The last time Hubbins was in ICU, we had no one and I wouldn't leave his side. Poor Purrs was only with us for a week when that happened and when we finally came home, she had gone feral on me.

I tried to pick her up and comfort her but she was screaming at me and swatting me with her paws. When she put her teeth gently on my hand I lost it. I put her down and I went to my bathroom and cried. Something told me to go back and check her. Her nose was dry, her ears were warm and her gums were white and not the healthy pink they usually are. Quickly, I realized she was sick too.

My mom had gone out that night and did a run for the milk of magnesia, Pedialyte and dinner for us adults. When she got home, I carried Purrs to her and told her that Purrs was sick. At that exact moment, something shot out of Purrs backside. It smelled awful and I thought she had gone potty. Unfortunately for my Mom, it shot on to her bare leg.

Turns out Lil Purrs had an abscess on her hind hip and it popped at that moment. I had to get diluted betadine, neosporin, q-tips and saline. I wrapped her tightly propped her and proceeded to empty her abscess, irrigate it with saline, and then clean it with betadine and applied neosporin. She was not happy to say the least. But the most insulting thing is probably the cone thing I made for her head out of a manila file folder to keep her from licking it. She's doing better now but still has the cone on.

All that took place the night before Hubbins went back to ICU. The next day after the ambulance left, I realized Purrs had a second abscess under the first and had to drain and dress it before I left to be with Hubbins.

When I got to the hospital, something was going on with Hubbins. They had an ultrasound machine on him looking for a good vein. They had used all his veins the previous week and they had removed the PICC line they put in at the other hospital. Because Hubbins was dehydrated and his blood pressure was low, his veins were constricted and they could not draw any blood. They couldn't even get a central line in him.

The doctor actually walked out saying she didn't know what to do for him. His nurse was pissed. I asked what was going on and it turned out Hubbins was on a list for a PICC line. He was number 8 on the list and they were all emergencies.

I told Hubbins nurse that I knew he probably couldn't tell me anything but I asked him if this was his family member what would he do? Would he transfer him to another hospital where he could get the PICC in faster. He explained to me that there was only one hospital left, and that they had just had a guy who went there with a bad headache, waited for 12 hours in the ER and was given an anti nausea medication and sent home. He came to this hospital the next morning and they found out he had bleeding on the brain. We had already had a bad experience with that hospital and vowed never to go there again before he had told me this story anyway.

He told me that in the condition that Hubbins was in, he should not be transported anywhere. He said he is frustrated as well and felt like his hands were tied. He said the decision to take out the PICC line at the other hospital was a bad one and he promised me that as soon as Hubbins got the PICC line in things would go quickly.

Three hours....three hours of hearing Hubbins beg not to die. Three hours of pain because they wouldn't give him anything, no pain meds, no spasm meds because they didn't know his situation. Three hours of up and down blood pressure. I started praying for Hubbins. I was having my tantrum with God but I really needed help. If he ever heard me, I prayed for him to help Hubbins, to give the pain to me. I would take it without complaint.

I stood there next to his bed praying with my arms around his head trying to comfort him, my mind racing and sometimes the words escaping me and having to start the prayer over. There was so much clarity while I prayed. So much of the little shit I had fought so hard over and got so angry with God over. The people that I let sway me at the catholic school and the knights of columbus. I prayed the Hail Mary and the Our Father over and over again and I spoke to God like I used to before I got so jaded.

There were times when Hubbins was lucid enough to say Amen. But he mainly begged God not to let him die. I was scared for him too. But something huge had happened the night before. After everything had died down, I had went into our room where I found Hubbins in tears. He said Squishy (Bela, our niece who was murdered by her father) had come in the room and she had her arms outstretched to give him a hug but he told her he couldn't. He was crying because he was worried he had hurt her or that she wouldn't understand. He was crying that it was so unfair that she had to be gone. I told him she would understand, when my friend Karlton died, I had a dream that we were sitting on a bench outside where we used to work and we were talking and laughing just like old times but then it hit me, he was dead. I just couldn't do it because the reality hurt so bad I woke up. I felt so bad for doing that and no matter how hard I tried I could never dream like that again. So real and lifelike.

I told him, she was just coming by to give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be ok because he was there for her and comforted her when she was 2 weeks old and was in such bad shape. I told him that was probably the first time she felt unconditional love and he gave that to her. That second stay in ICU, I kept that in my heart and mind constantly. It's not the first time Hubbins has seen dead people. His Grandmother sent him back to me years ago when we first moved here and he ended up in the ICU.

I kept telling him he wasn't going to die and he was going to be ok. Just when I thought we would break, the doors slid open and they whisked him out the door and off we went to get the PICC line in....