So the Friday before last, I was not in a good place at all. Not even close. I was having what I thought was a bad RA flare up...but it only got worse and didn't leave until Thursday night. I f'in hate it.
I am in pain. Toes, ankles, hips, wrists, fingers, elbows and shoulders in total pain and just like that- Bam! It's gone. Like a freakin' switch was flipped off or something.
I don't have insurance. Why? Because when I tried to sign up at work they told me I didn't make enough money and referred me to the state and when I contacted the state I make $60 over so I don't qualify...so where does that leave me?
My middle fingers on both hands have started to turn and at one point during the week my finger between my pinky and my middle finger was nearly pointed inward towards my middle finger...this on both hands. I don't know how it works but that part is less noticeable right now.
I'm always tired and I feel sick. I have what I imagine hot flashes feel like. I feel like my head is on fire at times or like right now as I type...my hands are on fire.
It's a total mindf&%*...for lack of a better word that truly encompasses what I feel right now. All the things I have to do that require my hands, all the things I want to do and all the things I love to do. All require my hands.
I keep thinking about how excited I was to be getting away from my dead end job in a dead end town and how finally my life was mine and the world was opened to me. I can't quite see where I lost it all but it definitely feels like it was yanked away in the blink of an eye.
I've always been a fighter, but this time...I just don't want to fight anymore.
I don't see anything worth fighting for. It's all gone. There is nothing left.
8 comments:
Im so sorry that you are having pain with your hands....I'll say a prayer for you..Please dont give up!!
So sorry that you are dealing with (and carrying) so much pain. I don't have anything to make you feel better but wanted you to know I was thinking about you and sending you all the good energy I can to try to lighten your heavy load. Please try to do something that will bring you great joy if only for a few hours/minutes to brighten your day.
Big hugs,
Dia
Oh, that sounds awful.
I know that fighting spirit will be back later. You don't have to go looking for it. It will find you. Until then, take it easy.
and I LOVE the new blog layout!! love it!
Hi...I am a long time lurker, but I have come to love your blog and your family.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this horrible pain. A lousy $60 over and you don't qualify?? What in the name of all that is holy is that about? I really am looking forward to listening to Pres. Obama speak to congress today when I get home from work. I truly pray for a good healthcare option for Americans. I am Canadian, and can honestly say I have taken my healthcare for granted my entire life. I have never not had it and never ever had to worry about it.
It is what I want for you too...all of you.
Thinking of you.
Laurei
I hope you'll feel better soon. Pain sucks.
I can't imagine that kind of pain. It must be absolutely terrible. My aunt has RA, so I know a little about what it can do, and I know it's a dreadful and scary disease....but even though I know you are going through so much, it makes me sad to think that you are so down...
But I get like that too.
Have you looked into the possibility of a research study, maybe? Sometimes you can get seen by a doc and paid, too, for trying out some new drug or something....usually, in our aread, the drugs are already "safe" and they just test for how well they work and what dose, etc....I've done a few for my allergies. Just an idea....I wish I could help you.
I hope you feel better soon. I know the RA won't go away, but when you are down like this, the RA is winning!
And your web friends worry about you.
Hugs
Thanks so much for taking time from your own "crap" to post that thoughtful comment on my blog, it really made me feel better to know that someone really does know exactly how I feel....I guess, with the bipolar, and the smoking, and the fact that DH is morbidly obese, it's pretty clear that some day I will be a widow, and I would sure love to have a family when that happens...
We couldn't afford IVF at all, thanks to bipolar--it's all I can do just to pay the bills....and I'm too old really....they say that once you're over 40, well, things are so iffy at best....I hope you are able to find a way for your dreams to come true :-) And thanks again for lifting my spirits--not because you're having problems too, but because you understand.
Thanks for leaving a comment at my blog. My hopes is that Guts and Butts class will make them both disappear but so far it is not working. I'm sorry for your pain and insurance problems. Does your doctor have an ideas as to what you could do? Our oldest daughter has a job with no insurance was able to purchas some for $60 a month but that is in KS. I'll pray you find answers.
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