Conversations with a 13 year old...

Tonight Hubbins and I were talking about the show In Living Color. If you've never seen it you can go to youtube and search for it, they are hilarious.

The oldest was finishing in the kitchen and she was wondering what we were talking about so we were telling her some of the skits we remembered.

She thought we were talking about a certain comedian. The things she was saying made me think she was talking about Dave Chapelle. I just found out about him this year one night when I was flipping through the channels...so not cool. This time, I wasn't surprised that she knew about Dave Chapelle...still a little angry considering she was 10 when she moved here and she most certainly hasn't seen him on my TV, yet she knew about him...argh.

Anyhow... I didn't want to say the name so I asked:

"Is he vulgar?"

Her: "No, he's African American."

Me: puzzled look...then I burst into a fit of laughter as I grabbed Hubbins wrist and asked him if he heard what she said.

Hubbins: (without missing a beat) "No, he's not Vulgarian."

By this point, I am nearly rolling on the floor. The oldest is confused...laughing nervously but confused.

Her: "Well! I don't know what vulgar is!"

obviously... LOL!

A few days ago, the oldest came in my room and we were talking about celebrities and crushes. She asked me if I had a crush on John Mayer. I'm a bit embarrassed. I don't know who John Mayer is. I told her that and she looked at me suspiciously. She said he was a singer. I asked her if I had any of his songs (yeah, I don't even know the names of the people I listen to. *blush*) She told me I didn't. So I was really confused. I still don't know where she was going with that but she got an earful from me about stalkers, weirdoes and celebrity crushes.

She asked me if people made fun of Prince like they did with Michael Jackson.

See the oldest is a huge MJ fan. I mean HUGE! I was beside myself when I had to tell her he passed.

When she was younger I took her to the San Diego zoo. When we got to the gorilla exhibit, they were gone due to renovations. She burst into tears. I finally coaxed out of her what the problem was. She fully believed she was going to meet Michael Jackson by the gorillas at the zoo. Since they weren't there, he wasn't there. I did eventually calm her and took pictures of her by the gorilla statues that were there. At the same time I wanted to laugh because it was cute, but I felt so bad for her.

We talked about that day and her reaction. MJ was something that was a constant in her life. She had his cds and could listen to them when ever she needed to. He was always there to pick her up when no one else was. I don't even think she thinks of it this way...but hearing her talk about him. She projected and made him her safety. I know what that's like... when I was little I projected everything on the IBM building downtown, back then it was the tallest building and I could see it from my Grandmother's house where I lived. If I could just be smart enough and good enough to work there...I would make it out.

Anyhow, the reason I know she did this is because out of nowhere she said "It's so weird, I remember you and what you used to look like, at the zoo and that summer you tutored me and just all my life I can remember what you look like. You're always in the back of my head. Sometimes Grandma, not my mom or anything. Just you, clearly... like you were always there."

It took everything for me not to breakdown and cry. For almost a decade I fought and tried to protect them and I felt like I failed them all... especially her. My mind knows that I did everything I could legally do to help her but my heart hurts because I feel like I should have done more. But just knowing that she feels that way and remembers that... I could just cry. She's knows I never gave up. That means everything to me.