I know we've circulated posts about what type of Mom we thought we would be growing up. I still have ideas on what type of Mom I might be.
Some of you may be going..."Huh? Aren't you a Mom already?" The short answer...no.
I do all the Mom things but no, I am not a Mom. I am an Aunt. I've always did the Mom things but have been the Aunt. It's all so confusing to me and if it's confusing to me I can't imagine what the kids are thinking. I'm not trying to fill my sister's place, hell, I'm not even sure she had a place.
But I know I am not their Mom and even though on good days the boy likes to call us Mom and Dad, I don't think he or any of the others really think of us that way.
Which brings me to the whole ideas of what type of Mom I might be. I keep thinking if I have bio kids, I am going to do this and I am going to do that. But I worry about what the other kids might think and feel. Will they think that I am favoring our bio kids because they are biologically ours or will they realize or be able to understand that this is the way it is in some families?
I have things that I want for them, keepsakes- scrapbooks and homemade items that I want to make sure they have because if I did have bio kids, they would have those things already.
Many people will probably think I'm wrong, but they don't know the dynamics in my home. I want to start bringing out these things and working on them in front of them and explaining to them what I am doing.
"I am making this blanket for you because if you were born to me, I would have done this for you as a baby."
I don't know if it's wrong, but I want them to know, in case we do have bio children that our children aren't being treated better or like they are special but like they should be treated and all children should be treated.
I also walk the fine line with their disorders because they can't be treated entirely "normal" yet. I don't know if we ever will have that with them. But I know they are going to grow up and most likely have families of their own and I want to model for them what a family should be like, what a Mom should be like.
I know I am failing now. I am so frustrated and confused and unsure of how to approach these issues and how to treat them and I am screwing up. I am approaching this whole situation with too much logic and problem solving and not enough human, if that makes sense?
I'm always trying to fix it and never meeting them on their level of who they really are and not a disorder or not what I need to make sure doesn't happen again.
The other day, I got into it with the oldest over dinner. I'm trying to teach her to cook (something I never learned). I was trying to teach her how to brown ground beef. I left her with exact instructions on what to do while I quickly took care of something for someone (less than 5 minutes) and when I came back she had lowered the temp and done who knows what so she could go back to her room. I called her back out...
I tried to explain to her why what she had done was wrong and what could have happened but she told me "Whatever". To which I set her straight. I believe in nipping that kind of thing in the bud.
She went off to cry and I rationalized to myself that I wasn't there to be her best friend. I only have 5 more years. I've tried to explain that to her. She wants to move out, have kids, etc...
I've tried to explain to her that I am under a tight schedule to teach her what she needs to know. She wants to have kids, how is she going to feed them if she doesn't know how to do the basics? How is she going to be independent if she doesn't learn these things? I tried to explain to her that she needs to have respect and that I am leveling with her because I want her to understand the monumental task that we have ahead of us. I told her it wasn't her fault her mother didn't teach her like she should have but I have my 5 years and I am going to do what I can...
But later, I cried about it. I don't want to hurt her. But I feel like I have to be hard. I have to try and make them understand. I can't let them go on and repeat the cycle. I can't let anymore babies suffer...
3 comments:
Good for you. You have a big heart.
Mother is just a word. I'm sure than when your kids get older and they look back on their childhoods they're think of you as a source of security and as the one who had the most concern for their best interests.
That's what a mother does; it's just the title that's different in your case.
Of course if you do have bio kids it will be different. You'll feel an intense connection to them from the very first moment that your pregnancy is confirmed. You'll have nine months of experiences that you share with them before they're even born and from the moment they're born they'll depend on you for everything.
That can be overwhelming and exhausting, especially if you're a perfectionist and you fear that if you don't do everything exactly right you'll scar the kid for life. Sometimes having some distance is easier on your nerves.
I can SOOOO relate, Sasha! That is exactly how I felt with my daughter! I still feel it sometimes because of her attachment and defiance issues. It is hard. I worry all the time about if I am messing her up more than just letting her be in that little world that she wants to stay in. But, and this is a big BUT...I am seeing progress. You will, too. You just keep on fighting. You are stopping the cycle of abuse and neglect, Sasha. Cold. Even if they move out and do it themselves in a few years, you are stopping it for the ones you have during the here and now...and that is all you can do...is try. Keep it up, momma auntie.
If you poop out a baby, of course you are going to treat that kid differently. Because they won't be carrying the scars of the past that will require healing. BUT your other kids will see what it is like when a kid is loved and cared for from the beginning and they will learn SO much from that!
I think you are doing a great job. and you are right, as hard as it may be these kids need these life skills. They are important. Though don't feel too bad if they don't pick up everything, some people aren't that great at things like cooking. I myself am not the greatest at housecleaning.
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