Job Schmob

I still don't have a job. The budget isn't going to come through for another month, so I am looking at August.



We aren't rich but we are going to be OK. I'm looking at it as a vacation of sorts. I mean I'm still doing the work of course but I'm not getting paid. I don't have to worry about time sheets and unannounced visits and them springing training on me.



From the very start I haven't been sweating it, Hubs has and I suspect I am driving him crazy with my nonchalance. As the month has waned on and the account has depleted I started to think maybe I should be worried but I'm trying to put it all in God's hands.



Last time Hubs was in the ER, I felt numb, like I couldn't deal anymore. I gave it to God and basically said "Look, I told you it's too much, I can't handle it, it's back on you." I was calm, I had no fear, just sadness. But I kept believing God would come through. Before I got to be so screwed up and confused and lost. God had never failed me in my eyes. I never saw that it was in his own time because I never used to worry about it. Something always came through.



But then I got burned really bad and I was jaded and bitter.



I told God if you are going to make this impossible then so be it but know that I can't deal with it.



Everything worked out, Josephine came along and sat with the kids, the neighbors watched them overnight, Hubs wasn't admitted to the hospital. We went home and everything cleared up after a time. Yeah, he had bronchitis,then two came down with strep throat and then two with colds. But you know what? I have no health insurance and I had to be around all of them and I didn't get sick. Don't mistake this for bragging because I am not. I know at any moment I can get sick or hurt and I still don't have health insurance. I've been getting hurt daily but nothing massive thankfully. What I am saying is that it all worked out.



So when the budget ended and I found out I was out of a job for a time--not laid off or fired mind you, just in limbo. I didn't worry too much about it. I mean I have stuff to do and all.



So Friday was the evaluation to determine the hours I would receive and the new budget. We found out some interesting things. Like I've been bent over for several years taking it if you know what I mean?



Turns out because I work for a certain kind of agency they take a big cut and they lied to us about what types of training I need and how I would need to do my own taxes, etc. There is a program where my client and myself decide what training I need and I get reimbursed for it. I will get paid a decent wage, more money then I am now, and I don't have people popping into my house whenever they feel like it. The new agency I will work for will take care of my taxes. Oh and I get real Life Insurance, vision and dental after 6 months. My current agency just started that. I've been with them almost 4 years. Oh! and I can earn time and a half on 6 holidays. (Kether you are probably wincing because you know what I used to have and now you see how excited I am about this. lol )



I told Hubs I was glad the program didn't tell us the changes with the deadline because if they had we would have continued to be screwed by the other places.



I feel such a weight has been lifted. Since Friday I have been able to get so much more done just because I know I can take my time and do it properly. Before I would start a filing system or start going through stuff to try and organize and give away stuff only to find myself shoving things in my room or a closet because a social worker had come or some one from my agency showed up and lord forbid if my house was a normal house with chores in progress. You know? I was so worried that they were going to want to take the kids or think I was doing a bad job. I felt like such a failure.



I can organize the tool box and laundry room closet without thinking I am wasting my time because they don't see those things. Before I knew it was necessary because I was always spending my time looking for tools.



I felt resentful because it was my house and my life and why can't I do what I need to do dammit! You know? I felt like everyone else could go on and work on their home and have some debris for the jobs they are doing and not be judged by it. Houses with children tend to look lived in you know?



It's so hard to explain the strain and ridiculousness of it all. I don't know that I ever will be able to put it all into words.



But for now, the things not involving the children are looking pretty good. For the first time in a very long time I don't feel my shoulders are tensed and like there's a knot at the base of my neck. I don't feel numbness in my arms or a pain in my chest. I can breath and it feels good.