When is a threat, a threat?

So much I could say but I'd like to put this out there because I want to know what you all think about this situation...

CDQ ran tonight, she ran from her treatment foster care home,  literally for nothing. Spoiled brat didn't get her way. There's trauma and then there's a brat. Which is what she has become in foster care.  Does she have trauma. OF COURSE! But I can't stress how much shit she gets away with in foster care. To say that I have rights to her is in name only, she does what ever the hell she wants.

Anyhow,  CDQ can not come home, she has molested her siblings and a cousin.  It was suggested she needed a higher level of care, but the agency felt they still had more to offer CDQ and moved her to a larger city where she could get 24/7 help.  Fine. In the meantime, the insurance said that she hasn't made any progress so she needs to go home.

Yep. No progress= home.

So sorry to tell all you mom's whose kids play the game until it's time to go home that even if they weren't playing the game the answer is still home.

Since she had just threatened to kill her therapist, it was decided to just bump her down from a level one to a level two, less supervision... because yet again,

no progress, threatening homicide= home.

So, I ask the caseworker tonight what the steps would be to get CDQ a higher level of care which was the plan a month and a half ago, I asked if that meant residential treatment so she couldn't run away and you know what she said....

wait for it....

"CDQ could come home with me and I could follow her and call the police and everything they already are doing..."

Wha? Literally don't know what the hell else was said because my mind was all "does not compute..."

".....BUT it doesn't look like that plan is for CDQ to come home."

WHA?

A year ago, I would have shriveled into a hot mess. Tonight, unh uh. I've already made a decision on what we are going to do when the time comes and I've come to terms with it.

How many shades of passive aggressive is that?  Does anybody else feel that was meant to be a threat? Because for all that is holy in the world I don't see how :

higher level of care + residential treatment center = back home.

(PS- can you guess where we are in homeschool---math anyone? lol)

Am I over reacting?  Well, I not so much over reacting but am I reading into it too much. I just can't make the connection.

The other thing I'm confused about is these same people were looking for a girls home for CDQ to live in until she turns 18....but three weeks ago I found CDQ an actual family with a woman who has done adoption and RAD 8 times. She's willing to take on guardianship to see if CDQ can work it out with us and if not possibly end in adopting CDQ! This is huge and it seems only myself and the woman who is willing to do this is excited.

I'm perplexed because I've really felt this last agency/placement/whatever it's called has helped so much but when it came to this they shut down. Why?

Wow!

Thanks for the comments and e-mails. I had no idea that anyone would even come back and read this blog.

I hate that I can't post happier news on here. I try to think of positives but every time I say anything I jinx it all.

It does get better but everyday is still a struggle.

I know some people were happy for me when they heard I was finally getting some help. I chuckle at my own desperate stupidity. So the update on that is this... Instead of help, I now have the financial responsiblity of my mother and grandmother and the threat of my mother moving the rest of her children to the state I live in.   My grandmother's alzheimer's has progressed and my mother seems to think she's on a permanent vacation. When I made the deal with my mother and she asked if my grandmother could come and "visit", I told her that I couldn't physically help with my grandmother's care. My mom doesn't seem to grasp what RA or fibro is. She thinks I'm a wuss and that her pain is greater and let me tell you, when she asks what's bothering me and I start to tell her, she always says "that's nothing, my blah, blah, blah...". My mom just likes to complain. If she would get up off my couch and move around, then maybe she wouldn't hurt so much.

She doesn't help with the kids, in fact, the kids hate her.  I don't know how I never saw it before, but my mother is a big kid with RAD and selfish as they come.  There were other reasons for her coming to help me. None had to do with actually helping me and all of it had to do with running away from financial problems she was having.

I'm still angry about all this. I was paying my mom to help me. But she was just basically coming to me on payday and taking my money and then going shopping leaving me to take care of my grandmother and the kids and everything. I have to yell at her to clean up.  I even found out I was paying my youngest sister's rent on her apartment! All that time my mom went on and on and how she had to help the kid's bio mom because she had all those kids, etc... and now I have those SAME kids and she's taking from us!

So I stopped paying my mom completely, room and board should be good enough for her to pretend to be a grandmother. My sister AND her boyfriend are homeless now but you know what she's f'n going to be 30 in a couple of years! I have come to terms that when my mom talks about her "kids" she is not talking about me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mom wants to see me fail and I also have come to terms with the fact that my mom has never been my mother.

The good in this is I have been able to show my kids what they will become if they don't work things out now. They have seen her lying, stealing and manipulation and they have also felt it.

The kids hate her because she plays dumb and she acts like she didn't know the abuse that was happening.  She didn't know it all and not even the worst of it but she knew enough and did nothing.

What hurts them, I imagine is that even after they told her outright that their mother is part of the sexual abuse and that other family members were as well, she still talks to and defends those people. You can see how hard it is for my kids and how inconceivable their experiences have been and my mother is in denial. I know how this feels because that's what she did when I told her about my step-father. She told me it was the father of her kids and she would always have to talk to him.  Mind you the youngest of these "kids" was well in her 20s at the time. I guess she would "always" have to talk to him meaning whenever HE bothers with HER.

She says that those are her kids and their mother is her daughter. She told me I can't make her choose when I was trying to explain that she was choosing her daughter over her grandkids. So a choice was being made. I also told her not to worry, she didn't have to make a choice because as far as I was concerned when my grandmother passes we are done and she could go on her way and I would never bother her again. I told her it was just done. I was making the choice and I am choosing MY kids.

So that's what with all that mess. In a way, I'm glad it's turned out this way.  My kids always thought they could threaten me with their grandma- "I'm going to go live with grandma!" etc... but now they seem to appreciate me more and like I said, I am able to parallel their behavior exactly with their grandmother's at times and I can see the wheels turning when I point it out and they get it. So it's helping tremendously with being able to show them their behaviors and why it's not ok. I can see at times she means well and she's doing the best she knows but it's still self-destructing and hurtful to those around her and that's what I want my kids to see and learn from.

Aftermath

I've debated on whether to update this blog. It's been such a source of negativity for me and I've been trying to find the light.

So much has happened. So many truths and abuses have been revealed and it's so not right and so heinous.

But I feel like I left things hanging. I know when I searched for people in my situation, the blogs always died out when the child was removed. What ever happened? Were they able to pick up the pieces? Did they really dissolve the adoption? I had only found one. Gala's blog.

So, I figure it's only right to let you know how it went.  We did not get a dissolution. We had a lying thieving lawyer who I had to go after to get my money back and thankfully, I did. All of it.  He made false promises.

So where are we at? CDQ is still in TFC.  I was threatened again by California's post adoption social worker. She lightened up...but still.  It lingers, you know?

My other kids are all in therapy. In the course of that it came out that CDQ had sexually abused some of them in my home...before the cameras and the intercoms. I just thought she had tried to kill them.

I read that last sentence and I think: "How can I say those words so flippantly now?" I guess because I feel like I'm recounting some kind of horror story I just read or something... or maybe I'm just numb to it all still.

SS had all her repressed memories come back to her and it manifested in her attacking her clothes and her stuff with a knife and then cutting her hair with it. She had a 10 day stay in the hospital CDQ stayed in.  It was scary stuff, but she's doing better now that she knows her bio parents were wrong and full of shit and that none of it was her fault nor changes who she is to the world.  I envy her a little. She's tough...

My childhood memories are still mostly repressed. They've been coming in my dreams every night for a month or so now. I don't know which is better the nightly edition or a full blown revelation as a one shot deal.  Probably it's better for me one night at time, considering SS's reactions to her mind finally allowing her full disclosure.

I've always said if my mind doesn't want me to remember it must've been to big for me to handle.

Anyhow, with the news coming out of why the other children don't want CDQ back home, I am at a loss of what is going to happen. Seems they are still trying for reunification.  But Poufy's therapist said something to me that shook me to my core.  The gist was how could they make a victim live with the perpetrator? All I could think of was how I wouldn't want to live if I were forced to live with my step-father again. It already happened when I was 10 and then when I was 16 and this time around, I just couldn't do it. I believe that very notion is what has brought my dreams to where they are now.  How can they do that to my children?

All that is still up in the air.

So, in the mean time, I've had more allegations set against me by CDQ because of the kid's accusations towards her.  Basically, CDQ has blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING.  Her parents abuse against her, her siblings not wanting anything to do with her.  It's all my fault because I'm the only one who is there for her.

The question is how much longer can we as a family take her bullshit.  Call me heartless, but I've been at a point where other people need to matter. I know she is hurting and I know that she is a child. But I think we are all sending her the wrong message. She can't treat people like shit and think they are going to be around. Yes, she went through some tough shit but who in this family hasn't?

At what point, do we start to matter and we can say this is too toxic...she can fester but the rest need and more importantly WANT to be saved? People can't be changed, they have to want to change themselves- even children.

I just feel like we are magnets that people keep trying to push together. For some reason the family is a trigger for CDQ and she is a trigger for the family for more obvious reasons. It doesn't feel like anybody but the system's best interests are in mind at this point. I feel like it's going to boil down to having a scapegoat at the end of the line and CDQ is trying to make sure that the scapegoat is myself.

That's where we stand.

I don't know if I will continue to blog here. I have another address parked where I might do a family blog something along the lines of what I had started blogging 8 years ago, something a little more open yet still anonymous and unconnected or related to this blog. Something along the lines of..."normal".

Triggers...I haz them...

Lately I've been trying to be more in tune with myself.  Ok, since last week when I found out I needed glasses and lost 10 more decibel levels of hearing... I've just been thinking and listening and paying more attention to myself then I ever have in my life this past year.

A few weeks ago I had finally voiced that I was sick of everything being about me, was I stiff?...Do I have pain? Can I do this? I'm the last person I think about typically and I'm really good at pushing pain away and not thinking about things...

But as I went through my weekly tasks...I realized I am living in a world of triggers.  For example, the school I attend. I pass by CDQ's treatment center- she's not there anymore but when she was boy did I tense up worse than I do now...so with that in mind...the actual building where I go to school, it's in the same area as CDQ's last "attachment therapist" in fact parking is right behind that building and I realize that I am praying I don't run into either one of them when I am hiking across it. When I am sitting in class I get to stare at the window of the therapist's office for three hours if I so choose...Not just CDQ's therapist but my own which was right next to her therapist's office on the second floor. This is weekly and it will be for the next three years.

Once a month, I pray that I don't run into the evil therapist they had before the last. The one who threatened me with BS. Because I have so much left unsaid to her and I'm still undecided about whether it's best left unsaid or if it would be a nice release for me. lol! Hubbin's current primary doctor works out of the same building a couple of doors down from her.  I have to pick up his prescriptions from that office at least once a month and it's amazing how fast that month seems to go when I am heading that way yet again.

So let's get into other triggers, like the fact I pass the hospital Hubbin's almost died in anytime I go anywhere practically. On my way to school, if I want to go grocery shopping at anywhere besides the big superstore... I realized that those memories come back a lot if I'm sitting at the red light or parking at the grocery store across the street or going to the Subway.

I hadn't noticed these things and I'm sure there are many more, but they take a toll on me.

Lastly, this here blog. This blog has it all...from the url down to every thing I post.

This blog makes me feel bad. It reminds me of a person who is so far lost. It reminds me of a person (myself) and other people who died. It reminds me of my failures. It reminds me of all the bad.  I know there's good stuff and I know I could write about the good stuff but it seems so wrong to carry on here. I don't know how to explain it.

I am so sick of RAD and mental illness.

I want to move on. I want to share the good things about my children,  photos of my children, etc...but in order to do that I am going to have to create a total lie. I'm going to have to make sure I am totally anonymous and I'm going to have to change the facts some.  I'm not a good liar but that is how Life will truly be able to Go On... I know my anonymity had been compromised and I didn't mind, but I want to share in the good things of my children in a way that their bios won't be able to track it. I really want to document the traditions and the memories and all those things that I can't say to them in a new place that isn't tarnished by the past. It's not erasing the past, it's just making a fresh start.

That was their request from the start. They loved being on the internet but were scared or angry that their bio parents or the people who hurt them could find them.

Years ago we tried to instill a sense of movement in the kids. We planted three of the same kind of trees several feet from each other.  We thought that they could represent time and we had no idea just how much they would represent reality.

We named them: Past, Present and Future.

"Past" was pulled out of the ground and killed by some jackasses from down the street. I tried to revive the tree because it was also planted in memory of their baby sister who was murdered and all children who were abused. We had tied a blue ribbon in memory. But it died. It never really rooted.

"Present" is a stick in the ground. Although it rooted and is alive, it never produces leaves.  I feed it.    But it seems to have something, a bug or something that is keeping the leaves from growing.

"Future" has become a tree I marvel over. Future was a stick in the ground as well.  But sometime around March future split out and grew a separate branch and this branch flourished into this luscious leaf filled bush... I say bush instead of tree because it sprung from the original trunk but at the base of it. It took over and grew to about 3 feet tall and spread at least two feet wide and it had the shiniest green mid sized leaves. I wish I would have taken a picture.  But most times I just sat there staring at it in awe. I say sat because the other curious thing is Present can be seen from my bedroom window and it is the perfect height, so even if I'm stuck in bed I can see it from here.

Hubbins said I have to cut the dead part of the main branch off if I want the new one to overtake it's place and grow tall. Everything I researched says the same thing. But I'm so scared to kill it and I know I did this to my rose bushes a couple of years ago and it worked then. My roses are now almost 6 feet tall! But it's just so hard to take that leap. When I see the beauty of the new branch and wonder if severing the very thing that caused it will kill it.

But I see I have to take that leap, not just with the tree but in life.  So... here I am, saying good bye to this chapter and severing this main branch.

I thank you for taking the time to read and comment and I wish you all the best but my days here at Monkey Trouble are over.  Maybe I will sprout anew somewhere out here in the internets and we will run into each other again.

Family- What it's not...

(FYI-I say bad words in this one...)

The topic of family is a definite trigger for me. Uncontrollable tears, tightness in my chest, burning in my cheeks.  Those are some of the physical manifestations. Inside I have to work on identifying what it all means because I feel like my mind is blowing things way out of proportion...maybe...

I really don't have family. In name sure, but true blue family...no. I glean most of what I know about families in the blogs I read.  I'm trying to make a family for my children. The oldest and I have several interesting conversations and epiphanies about family.

I've found myself saying more and more "maybe that's what families do" and then we both sit in contemplative silence.

This is my experience with family. Currently, my mother is mooching off of me. She is living it up and even though I have told her to leave, she won't.  Lovely, eh?  I made a huge mistake and I know if she were to read this she would be hurt and angry but, frankly, I am tired of protecting HER feelings.  I am tired of being the parent.

My grandmother, probably the closest thing to true family I have. She has dementia...she has good days far and in-between. Her children are assholes.  I'm thinking of getting a lawyer involved. My grandmother was in an abusive relationship for over 50 years. She found her way to me and made me her power of attorney for everything before she went downhill (and let me add, she is not totally mentally gone). Her husband robbed her accounts blind to support his gambling addiction. Her children called adult protective services (APS) and accused my mother of kidnapping my grandmother and of stealing her money. APS came and investigated and found a victim of domestic violence and wrote my grandmother a letter asking her to take out a restraining order against her husband and her eldest son. Her medical doctor told her to get a divorce. I didn't  move on it because they seemed to be leaving her alone and the stress exacerbates my grandmother's dementia. She starts to feel unsafe and says she sees men in my windows or at my doors.  I don't want her to be scared.

One of her daughters is being an asswipe. Her father keeps calling her and telling her he needs money. She wants my grandmother to go back home and give her father her money so he will leave her alone. That's all I can get from it. She doesn't want to reach into her pocket and give him money. She has called and threatened the youngest child, a boy who is 45 and has lived in my grandparents home caring for my grandmother for all his life. He is finally living and just married and has a family and this daughter, his sister is giving him guilt trips.

She's overlooking all the abuse and urging my grandmother to go back. My grandmother has flat out said no, but she doesn't stop. My mom asked her three times to stop because my grandmother has had nightmares and episodes. At first we didn't know what it was but my grandmother checks out when she speaks to this daughter or she immediately starts seeing strange men. I get the feeling she thinks my grandfather is going to show up. The other thing that happens is she'll start imagining a man who treats her right and loves her and takes her dancing, etc... all the things she didn't have.

Anyhow, there are three children who are fine and speak to my grandmother and are cautious about her condition and truly want the best for HER. Then there are three children who quiet frankly are abusive: one has already stolen money from her, the other only cares truly about himself as does the last one.

In my own life those three have mentally abused me as a child as well. They are really good at it.

I don't want to keep them away from their mother. But SHE is more important to me then they are and SHE chose ME, she came to ME. They don't know this.  They keep trying to get my mom in trouble thinking that is going to make a difference. I'm sick of the damn hinting around that her money is being used inappropriately. It's like that is all their mother is to them, a fucking bank account.

I'm thinking I need a lawyer or doctor or both involved who sets the boundaries of what they can talk about.  It's so ridiculous that they can't see beyond themselves and see what they are doing to their mother.

I always thought I would marry into family. You know, once I got married, I would finally have a family. I thought that was going to be good.  My husband's family seemed like a tight knit family and did lots of things together. It just turned out to be at my husband's expense.

But somewhere along the line, I got blamed for my husband's emancipation. Being totally disabled, he couldn't rock the boat because he had no where else to go. When I came along, I saw that he never stood up for himself. I encouraged it in him. Even against me.  He wasn't strong enough and I allowed him to use my strength in the beginning to stand up for himself. By this, I mean, his sister's confronted him and even though I thought I had no business being there, he asked me to stay for support and I did. So now I am everything that is evil. I took their brother from them. I control him and don't let them see or speak to him, etc...

I'm proud of my husband. He did some hard work and he let go of toxic people. He does it easier then I do. Where I waver, he is stronger and makes up his mind. He let go of friends that weren't really friends. People who had used him. One of those people contacted him last week. When I opened the letter for my husband there was handwriting on the opposite of a typed note. I saw my name.  The handwritten note was meant for me and it pissed me off.

The writer is not what pissed me off but the implications. He had spoken to the family and I guess they had shit to say. Primarily...I turned my husband....are you ready for this.... CATHOLIC. Holy hell, huh?  Forget drugs, forget brainwashing....really....Catholic, huh?

Those who have followed my blog for some time....are you chuckling? Because I have never pushed my religion on anyone and I have had so many run ins with the catholic church and God only knows how often I question everything and I have lost my faith these last couple of years. I have been the one to waver, while my husband,who had already been raised Catholic, made that decision totally on his own. My struggles with religion are all over this blog. But I guess they wouldn't know that since it's better to have someone to point the finger to.

I never did anything to these people. I saw an e-mail from his sister before imploring me to read something to him...what he can't read? Or starting an e-mail that says, we don't even know if you are still alive...the fuck? Really?

My husband is 45. He has full access to a phone and e-mail. Truth be told. I was the one asking if he had heard from his family, or if he had called his father.  I just recently, like last week when that letter came, decided that my husband is a big boy and I am going to stop trying to make things better between them. He obviously knows them better than I do and I should trust his judgement.

But really... I am the cause and the end all? W.T.F?

I sit and I think if I were just me all this bullshit aside, what problems do I have? Health? This life exacerbates it....but what about this life? I don't have any shit. Truly.   Hubbin's family...so not my problem, my grandmother's children...not my problem... My mother's bs...not my problem.  I'm good to go if all these people take their fucking drama and shove it?

I have been holding on to this anger and this bullshit for so long. That's part of why I am sick. These things can take a good day and bring me to my knees in seconds.

This is not family. Which brings me back to my original point. I keep telling my kids, this is not family. But I lack the skills to show them more. What true families are. So I tell them about the families I read about and I tell them to learn that this is not the way. I tell them to want something more.  I don't know if it will work. I've always wanted something more...

Sometimes I worry that showing them what other families do or how they are that they will feel helpless and cheated and might just give up. I feel like that when I am around my so called family.  I can't explain to them how they are already better. Yes, they have RAD and that makes the whole family thing really hard at times because of the vulnerability required but I try to emphasize the safety and the lack of judgement. This whole thing with CDQ has made it really hard to forge forward.

I thought the kids were worried about being removed from my home, but the oldest told me that it wasn't home they were worried about it was about being separated from me.  Wow.

She couldn't look at me when she said it and I had to look away.  This has been the longest they have ever been in one place. This is home.  That is incredible. When I think about it, no matter what all those other people project, us 6,  as broken as we all are we are family...the right kind of family.

Thank you for reading my vent. I really need to get all that crap out and that's only the half of it. Maybe I should do this more often. lol!

Bottom line, My husband and I and our children...we are the best family we know how to be. We might not get to those levels that other families are at but I'm hoping the things we have tried to instill in our children will stick and get the ball rolling in the right direction for future generations.

Sexuality

My kids are getting older and puberty has definitely set up shop in my home.

One of my kids is on the fence.

The fence, you say?

One of my kids is incredibly confused because that child likes girls and boys. Is that a surprise to me...no. I have an idea about a couple of my kids but do I know for sure what that outcome will be...no.

Apparently, that led a couple of the siblings to fight dirty using sexuality to bully and belittle said child.

All my children already suffer from self esteem and self image issues.

*sigh*

This was tough.  We addressed the bullying.  We also addressed the sexuality issue. I will not stand for any bashing or any discrimination of any kind. I don't understand what there is to "tolerate".  We are all God's children and he made us in His image. We are to celebrate our differences and as long as we aren't hurting others we are good to go. The. End.

I know that is not how "others" think. I know that some people are confused and think they are God and they sit in judgement and think THEY can offer salvation...really...

The hard part was putting my finger on what exactly was going on.  I didn't want to come out and say if so and so likes the same sex then that's all right.

Why I didn't want to do that? If it wasn't true I didn't want to box said child in, especially if the child is confused or being told those things to try and humiliate said child.

At a loss, I sort of put the child on the spot. I asked if the child thought physical things about the same sex (attraction)  or maybe if they just thought the other person looked nice or liked something about that person that maybe they wanted to emulate.

I also explained to the child that I wasn't intending to put anyone on the spot and I explained how I just needed to know a little more information before I said what I had to say because I didn't want to be a jackass and go off on an assumption and be totally off the mark.

Said child told me there is an attraction to both sexes. I said that was fine and then I went on to say what I had to say.  We talked about why people feel the way they do about certain topics and if they thought it was ok to treat people badly because of their own insecurities (because God KNOWS we get that here in RADville).  We had a long discussion about fear and hate.  I think we left the table with a better understanding of others and I don't think we will have to revisit the topic. I also sense there was a release for said child because there was a change in the face and the child's hunched posture. I do believe this child and myself have many conversations in store for us in the future. But I will have to be patient and let the child go through whatever it is that is happening while still keeping a close eye.

I just worry I'll mess it up. I've heard so many horror stories of gay children who have come out and who have been beaten and disowned.  Others have run away rather than come out and ended up in situations none of us want our children in.  My children have nothing to fear but I don't know how to make sure they know that without a shadow of a doubt. I am their biggest supporter. Since things were so hidden and secretive I worry this child will hold it inside for fear of being rejected. It's par for the course in RAD children.

If any of my children are gay, I have no problem with that. It makes no difference to me. I just want them to be in healthy, loving relationships; Not the "relationship" they witnessed in their parents. I won't say that I'm not worried. I know how cruel the world is and I can only begin to imagine the hatred and the fear my child/ren is/are going to encounter.  I also know who I am and how sorry whoever F$%^# with my kids will be. RA or not...

Yep, I'm THAT mom and I'm equal opportunity. LOL

If only we could keep them in our own little worlds, right?

Tears of a Clown

Monday was the second team meeting for CDQ's treatment plan.

Here I was getting excited. Not because anything big had happened but that damn thing called HOPE had come back into the picture.

These people are set-UP! They got it together, they have support systems, they have the therapist, they have it all... I felt like we were all on the same page.

Where the hell were they 5 years ago? :-(

I had a voice today and oddly enough, even though I fell apart...no flare (yet? maybe) It was starting to feel good. CDQ was running through her typical motions but I felt even though these people had to go through it all too, it was going to be a good thing. We agree on treatment centers being less than helpful as far as structure and appropriateness. We agree on dress code.

They are doing all the things I already tried. They are experiencing the things that we have already....it's like deja vu, but it's happening to them instead of us. I'm not worried because they have a support system, EVERYONE is behind them.

Jealous... yeah, a little.

There is extreme concern at this time about her disassociating. The concern is that she will split personalities. She hasn't done that yet. But the frequency and ease of her checking out is startling to her therapist, more so then her antisocial diagnosis (well not a diagnosis because that can't be done officially until the age of 15 at the earliest) so I guess symptoms? Tendencies?

But the bomb dropped at the end of the session, by the way this is all via phone,  the foster father wanted me to know that CDQ already was set in her mind that she was never coming home.  Never.  The foster mother confirmed it. The case worker said that CDQ had been surprised to see my signature on the forms and to know that I was still involved. The foster father felt it was important I know this because he said they cared about me and they could hear things in my voice.   The foster parents, the case worker and the therapist all agreed, there was something I needed to do and that revealing this would be what I needed.

They told me I had to do the work first, I don't understand and I was crying and couldn't speak to ask what the work was but the idea is that I need to get help so I can help my family during and after the dissolution.

Dissolution.

I've said it, I've written about it but I've never truly been committed to it.

Three weeks ago, the case worker said she didn't think we were there yet. She thought there might be something they could do. That's when hope snuck in.

I hear what's being said. My family and I need help, we need counseling. CDQ is an abuser. In the eyes of my other children she is just like their parents and the others who have hurt them.  They are living in fear that CDQ will tell lies and they will be taken from us. They are still living in fear even though she is gone.

It has to end because if it doesn't they will never feel safe.

They (her treatment team) agree CDQ is never coming home.

All those people, I couldn't deny it.

We said our goodbyes and about 15 minutes later I lost it. I told Hubbins it felt like she has died.  She's not the same child I remember. Yes, she had problems but she had happy times. She wasn't so lost. I can still see her smile, I can see her in her little t-ball uniform. I can see her singing in her school assembly.  I have moments I've committed to memory of all my children.  A lot of firsts, a lot of actual family moments.  I remember even if she doesn't.

It's mourning in such a twisted way.  But when I think of what I am doing to my family by continuing to live in denial I can't decide which is more twisted.