Thanks for the comments and e-mails. I had no idea that anyone would even come back and read this blog.
I hate that I can't post happier news on here. I try to think of positives but every time I say anything I jinx it all.
It does get better but everyday is still a struggle.
I know some people were happy for me when they heard I was finally getting some help. I chuckle at my own desperate stupidity. So the update on that is this... Instead of help, I now have the financial responsiblity of my mother and grandmother and the threat of my mother moving the rest of her children to the state I live in. My grandmother's alzheimer's has progressed and my mother seems to think she's on a permanent vacation. When I made the deal with my mother and she asked if my grandmother could come and "visit", I told her that I couldn't physically help with my grandmother's care. My mom doesn't seem to grasp what RA or fibro is. She thinks I'm a wuss and that her pain is greater and let me tell you, when she asks what's bothering me and I start to tell her, she always says "that's nothing, my blah, blah, blah...". My mom just likes to complain. If she would get up off my couch and move around, then maybe she wouldn't hurt so much.
She doesn't help with the kids, in fact, the kids hate her. I don't know how I never saw it before, but my mother is a big kid with RAD and selfish as they come. There were other reasons for her coming to help me. None had to do with actually helping me and all of it had to do with running away from financial problems she was having.
I'm still angry about all this. I was paying my mom to help me. But she was just basically coming to me on payday and taking my money and then going shopping leaving me to take care of my grandmother and the kids and everything. I have to yell at her to clean up. I even found out I was paying my youngest sister's rent on her apartment! All that time my mom went on and on and how she had to help the kid's bio mom because she had all those kids, etc... and now I have those SAME kids and she's taking from us!
So I stopped paying my mom completely, room and board should be good enough for her to pretend to be a grandmother. My sister AND her boyfriend are homeless now but you know what she's f'n going to be 30 in a couple of years! I have come to terms that when my mom talks about her "kids" she is not talking about me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mom wants to see me fail and I also have come to terms with the fact that my mom has never been my mother.
The good in this is I have been able to show my kids what they will become if they don't work things out now. They have seen her lying, stealing and manipulation and they have also felt it.
The kids hate her because she plays dumb and she acts like she didn't know the abuse that was happening. She didn't know it all and not even the worst of it but she knew enough and did nothing.
What hurts them, I imagine is that even after they told her outright that their mother is part of the sexual abuse and that other family members were as well, she still talks to and defends those people. You can see how hard it is for my kids and how inconceivable their experiences have been and my mother is in denial. I know how this feels because that's what she did when I told her about my step-father. She told me it was the father of her kids and she would always have to talk to him. Mind you the youngest of these "kids" was well in her 20s at the time. I guess she would "always" have to talk to him meaning whenever HE bothers with HER.
She says that those are her kids and their mother is her daughter. She told me I can't make her choose when I was trying to explain that she was choosing her daughter over her grandkids. So a choice was being made. I also told her not to worry, she didn't have to make a choice because as far as I was concerned when my grandmother passes we are done and she could go on her way and I would never bother her again. I told her it was just done. I was making the choice and I am choosing MY kids.
So that's what with all that mess. In a way, I'm glad it's turned out this way. My kids always thought they could threaten me with their grandma- "I'm going to go live with grandma!" etc... but now they seem to appreciate me more and like I said, I am able to parallel their behavior exactly with their grandmother's at times and I can see the wheels turning when I point it out and they get it. So it's helping tremendously with being able to show them their behaviors and why it's not ok. I can see at times she means well and she's doing the best she knows but it's still self-destructing and hurtful to those around her and that's what I want my kids to see and learn from.
I hate that I can't post happier news on here. I try to think of positives but every time I say anything I jinx it all.
It does get better but everyday is still a struggle.
I know some people were happy for me when they heard I was finally getting some help. I chuckle at my own desperate stupidity. So the update on that is this... Instead of help, I now have the financial responsiblity of my mother and grandmother and the threat of my mother moving the rest of her children to the state I live in. My grandmother's alzheimer's has progressed and my mother seems to think she's on a permanent vacation. When I made the deal with my mother and she asked if my grandmother could come and "visit", I told her that I couldn't physically help with my grandmother's care. My mom doesn't seem to grasp what RA or fibro is. She thinks I'm a wuss and that her pain is greater and let me tell you, when she asks what's bothering me and I start to tell her, she always says "that's nothing, my blah, blah, blah...". My mom just likes to complain. If she would get up off my couch and move around, then maybe she wouldn't hurt so much.
She doesn't help with the kids, in fact, the kids hate her. I don't know how I never saw it before, but my mother is a big kid with RAD and selfish as they come. There were other reasons for her coming to help me. None had to do with actually helping me and all of it had to do with running away from financial problems she was having.
I'm still angry about all this. I was paying my mom to help me. But she was just basically coming to me on payday and taking my money and then going shopping leaving me to take care of my grandmother and the kids and everything. I have to yell at her to clean up. I even found out I was paying my youngest sister's rent on her apartment! All that time my mom went on and on and how she had to help the kid's bio mom because she had all those kids, etc... and now I have those SAME kids and she's taking from us!
So I stopped paying my mom completely, room and board should be good enough for her to pretend to be a grandmother. My sister AND her boyfriend are homeless now but you know what she's f'n going to be 30 in a couple of years! I have come to terms that when my mom talks about her "kids" she is not talking about me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mom wants to see me fail and I also have come to terms with the fact that my mom has never been my mother.
The good in this is I have been able to show my kids what they will become if they don't work things out now. They have seen her lying, stealing and manipulation and they have also felt it.
The kids hate her because she plays dumb and she acts like she didn't know the abuse that was happening. She didn't know it all and not even the worst of it but she knew enough and did nothing.
What hurts them, I imagine is that even after they told her outright that their mother is part of the sexual abuse and that other family members were as well, she still talks to and defends those people. You can see how hard it is for my kids and how inconceivable their experiences have been and my mother is in denial. I know how this feels because that's what she did when I told her about my step-father. She told me it was the father of her kids and she would always have to talk to him. Mind you the youngest of these "kids" was well in her 20s at the time. I guess she would "always" have to talk to him meaning whenever HE bothers with HER.
She says that those are her kids and their mother is her daughter. She told me I can't make her choose when I was trying to explain that she was choosing her daughter over her grandkids. So a choice was being made. I also told her not to worry, she didn't have to make a choice because as far as I was concerned when my grandmother passes we are done and she could go on her way and I would never bother her again. I told her it was just done. I was making the choice and I am choosing MY kids.
So that's what with all that mess. In a way, I'm glad it's turned out this way. My kids always thought they could threaten me with their grandma- "I'm going to go live with grandma!" etc... but now they seem to appreciate me more and like I said, I am able to parallel their behavior exactly with their grandmother's at times and I can see the wheels turning when I point it out and they get it. So it's helping tremendously with being able to show them their behaviors and why it's not ok. I can see at times she means well and she's doing the best she knows but it's still self-destructing and hurtful to those around her and that's what I want my kids to see and learn from.
2 comments:
ah girl big hug
Ya know it may be that you not need to wait to toss her out. find a place for granny that can give the care she needs.
ya can not change her, denile runs so deep
love seeing the gain though through the struggle. Your heart sounds strong.
hit a pillow and breath deep
I have used some aroma therapy for pain it is helping me. perhaps you might try it. ten bucks a bottle at a health food store and added with some almond oil really does help
frankincense is a good one
Sasha,
You may not remember me, but I followed your blog for a long time when I was blogging at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. After I lost Ruby, I couldn't seem to blog anymore, and I let the blog go. I regretted it because I wanted to get those posts back...a friend showed me how to find old archived posts on the web (nothing you put out there is ever truly gone...scary thought), and one of the things I found was my old blogroll. I'd always wanted to find out how you and the kids were doing.
Its now 4:30 in the morning and I've spent about 18 hours just reading and catching up on you since I quit blogging in 2009. I started blogging again somewhere else in 2010, but not frequently. Its just too hard because I ended up focusing so much of my blog on Ruby...and when she was gone...so was I in a way. I'm sure you understand.
I would love to keep up with you if you're still blogging at another "anonymous" site. Please email me or let me know somehow. Like you, I struggle with daily pain...I finally got some medical diagnoses of my own...not what I wanted but hey, it happens. My cancer keeps coming back, but the biggest thing (believe it or not) is my fibro...it sucks ass, that's the only way I can explain it.
Anyway...stay strong...you are so strong and I admire you for it immensely.
*hugs*
P.S. I lost my beloved grandmother to Alzheimer's in 2007. She lived with it for 20 years before it began to progress noticeably, and when it started progressing, it went so fast it was scary. I went into the hospital in 2006 with my first bout of liver cancer and she was lucid and living with my mom. I came out 7 1/2 weeks later and she was in a nursing home and had no idea who I was (and I was her favorite...not saying that from vanity, its just the facts. I stayed in touch even when I was in the military, I took her places, I spent the night with her even after marrying and having children, just to spend time with her. My mom wasn't the greated, but Mamaw was always there for me). Your journey with your grandmother has been breaking my heart. If you ever want to commiserate, email me.
~Kandy
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