Always Missed

Every year I write this post in memory of my friend Karlton Taylor. He died on this day in 1999 in a car crash. I'm not sure anyone understands why I do this. I don't know that I understand it completely. I promised I would tell the world that he was a man of integrity and a man who kept his word.  But it's more than that.

I learned so many things about myself through Karlton's persistence.  I'm the person I am today because of him.  I don't know where I would be if I had never met him. Still behind a wall of my own making. I fight with myself over that wall.

Every now and then I start to rebuild the wall.  I start to push people away because it's too much to bear. Sometimes I remember it's because of Karlton's help with knocking that wall down that I was able to know him and to know my Hubbins and let him in.  I don't think people can handle my life and I can't be phony about it either.

My life sucks. I'm floating and carrying it all and trying to live the whole "fake it until I make it". I know things are better now, I know they can be worse. But I am so tired and people expect sooo much from me. They think I am invincible. They tell me I'm awesome and I'm a survivor and they think I am Superwoman. But I'm not, I'm falling apart inside and the little I do let pass my lips seems to fall on deaf ears. Even though I am doing much better, I. AM. STILL. SICK.  I always will be. It is what it is.  I know I shouldn't be pushing myself, I know that all my problems, health wise, are of my own making...I'm too proud to say that it's too much right now. Maybe it's the fear that this healing will reverse itself and I feel I need to push myself now before it's too late.  I don't know.

I need my friend.

I need my friend who heard me, truly heard me and let me be myself. Who didn't let my troubles make him feel uncomfortable around me. Who understood it was a process and no words were truly needed.

There are so many things I want to ask him. I can only imagine how his family feels having lost him, his children...do they feel the same way I do? Do they wonder what their father would say or do or think?

Some people might think I've transformed him into this perfect person. Believe me, I haven't.

He was a genuinely honest and trustworthy person who truly cared about others. He was a family man who was totally devoted to his wife and children. He was also devoted to God and always strived to do the right thing.  He spent his time building others up and helping others in any way he could. He always wanted the best for everyone whether he knew them or not.  He was a happy person who loved to serve God.

I know he's in Heaven. I know he deserves to be there.  He met his obligations, I just wish he hadn't been in such a hurry to do it.  I hope his family is well and that they've never needed for anything. I pray for this day to be a day of remembrance for them and not a day of pain. I want the happiness for them that Karlton wanted for them.  I hope they know how important their Dad was that God needed his help earlier than most and I hope they are able to cope with it better than I have. I hope their lives are filled with people like their father who are guiding them and supporting them and loving them as much as their father did.

RIP- Karlton you will always be missed...

Life as I know it...

has been rough.  If I'm brutally honest...beyond rough.

I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown today on the way home from my midterm. I know something is wrong. People keep telling me to let things go, to not worry about things I can't change.  I understand that and I also understand I have PTSD which renders me pretty much useless and powerless.

I got lost on the way home. The magnitude of this is that there  are only three streets involved on my way home from school. One the road the school is on, two the long stretch of road that leads to three the road my house is off of.  I. GOT. LOST.  and I was too proud and too busy losing it to call home and ask, that and I didn't know where the hell I was to even ask.

I got home and I didn't say a word to anyone at first, but then I heard my Mom telling my grandmother I had a hard day at school, except it wasn't a hard day at school. It was a hard day at life.  School is a lot but it's not hard.  Truly, it's not. My other degree was much harder. But I'm still messing up. Why?

I'll tell you, but first you must know this is not an excuse.

Stuff has been going on with CDQs placement.  Insurance has decided she's ready to be moved, the center does not believe she should come home, ever.  I've resolved myself to the latter. To quote her therapist, "CDQ is CDQ and she will be that way forever." I called him Friday and I got the sense that he has moved on and didn't want to even spend the time to talk to me.  In my selfish modes, I mourn the loss of a very hurt and disturbed child. She doesn't know what she's doing etc...In my reality modes,  my kids don't feel safe and don't want her back.  Life would be unbearable  and unsafe for them if she comes back. I understand it, but I don't know how it's so easy for them to let go. I talk so much crap to myself about CDQ to try to make myself mad enough about all this to separate, but it doesn't work.  I've failed her. In my fantasy mode, CDQ gets what she wants from another family, life with us was too unbearable for her, too many reminders of the past and through strangers she is ready to move on.  She succeeds, she makes it out.

PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia are a bunch of bitches and they are out to get me.

School is not going well because every time I get back on my feet and I convince myself everything is going to be ok. I get a call and a call leads to a flare and a flare leads to more aggressive acupuncture treatments, which start me on a PTSD episode of remembering my traumas that led me to all this and the worst of my flares. I'm to the point that as soon as I hear there was a call, my stomach drops and my mind goes blank and I can't keep a thought in my head. I can't form a sentence. I can't remember what someone said to me or if I am about to answer them- what I was going to say. I can't think. It's like I've checked out and have become catatonic. It takes weeks for me to recover. My Doctor says I am doing better because I am bouncing back quicker but I can't take the ups and downs. It's a total mind$%^&.  It truly is.

In terms of school, here I am in what may be the easiest classes since Music Appreciation.  Classes that rely on memorization. No math, no true independent thought needed, just regurgitation and I can't remember my name. It's not test anxiety, I'm not stressed because of school. I actually do know my stuff, I just can't pull it out when I'm in this state.

It's not just school, it's life. I can't remember chunks of time and I'm flashing back to 10-13 years ago when I realized my own abuses and I'm thinking I had these moments where I left myself. I'm thinking that day in the doctor's office when I read that pamphlet on sexual abuse and realized I was a victim, that day I went numb and the Doctor made up stuff to have me sent to ER by ambulance...I'm thinking that is what this is.

I'm thinking all those years in my childhood I can't account for, what's happening now...it's how I coped then. The only difference is both those times I had no one.  This time I have a concerned Husband, Doctor and children who are reminding and bringing to my attention that I am missing chunks and that I can't communicate. Before, as a child, I was called shy. As a young woman, I was called stuck up because I didn't have words.

I lose my words.

Yesterday I found out that CDQ is going to be moved into treatment foster care.  We may be charged with a felony- child abandonment. This stresses me out. I have never been in trouble before for anything. We will be starting the dissolution process. It sounds like we will be investigated. I'm trying to hand it to God but my mind won't let me.

More importantly, CDQ has started to show her true colors at the treatment center she is in now.  The woman I talked ( possibly CDQ's last ally) to can't believe the behaviors she's seeing now and said she has no idea where CDQ gets her stamina from.  CDQ is screaming at them that she did this to me and she's going to do it there too.  It seems they are finally getting somewhere and the insurance is going to ruin that.

Ok, I'm sure things are hard to understand here. I've been trying really hard to be clear but....well it is what it is. This is the reality.

 

Sweet Relief

As I sat there with needles in me and my pain subsided...all I could think is: "This feels like quiet".  Everything that was raging in me was calm.

I knew before he came back things were bad. I knew something had switched in me. New symptoms.  I wasn't surprised when I got a new herb formula.  Which made my thoughts about having shared the name of my current herb formula on here worthless.

The reason why some herbs work for some and others don't is because of our body constitution. Although we may have the same manifestation of symptoms, there are different causes for them and those are what need to be treated.

Today I start a different herb. I also thought the last herb was working so well and I started to feel if I just had the herb I could get by. But I now know it's not true. The unity of herbs and acupuncture is definitely a necessity. You can't have one without the other and believe it will still work. It won't. I found out the painful way.

What I'm currently working on?

Putting me first.

If last week wasn't a huge glaring example of how important it is or what value I need to place on myself...then I don't know what I'm going to need to make me realize that putting myself first isn't a want but a need.

RA Reality

I'm watching the hot air balloons from my bed.  It's Balloon Fiesta time.  I'm flaring. I've been flaring since thursday night.  Fingers, wrists, arms, and my left knee. I woke up friday at about 1:30 am and I immediately wanted to die.  I laid still for four hours in agony before I had the courage to move a muscle.

I had a dream last night. Someone asked me what was on my knee. I looked and said what do you mean? Because it was just my knee.."right there"...the person said.  I looked again puzzled until the person reached over and touched my knee. Um, THAT IS my knee.  Then I woke up.  Not a big deal to others but to me... I looked down and saw my knee for the first time the way other people might see my knee. If they were to see it because honestly, this summer has been all about the layers for me. My thermals never even got put away this year, neither did my sweats.

I don't need to question why this happened. It's been coming on. I just didn't take care of myself. I didn't make myself a priority. I ran from appointment to appointment for other people. I let the news of CDQ bring me to the ground, I lied to myself about the little signs my body was giving me that I was backpedaling and I held it all inside.  I took a day off from school telling everyone I just needed the time to study but the truth was my body couldn't do it. My mind couldn't hold anything.

I took two 800mg ibuprofen and I dragged myself to school yesterday.  8 am- 6:30 pm. Usually, the ibuprofen takes care of my RA pain but I could still feel my wrists and knee. My fibro pain is always there when I'm like this. I sat through 3 tests with fibro fog and I did two labs with arms that shook and stiff fingers. I forced myself to prepare slides and to pinch droppers and gently lay coverslips. I turned small microscope knobs that required more precise hands then my own. I laid out bones that kept falling from my hands. I fought the fatigue I was already feeling before I even took the ibuprofen (which just compounded my need for rest).

At first, I couldn't get a grip (both literally and figuratively). I have Anatomy lab first thing in the morning.  That's where I was laying out the bones. I did the spinal column while my group gossiped about fake nails and I was working the ribs when they stopped and stared at me. I wasn't talking. I had divided up all the ribs and was getting ready to put it together. I don't know if they had said something to me or what happened. I looked at them and I told them I was sick.  There was mention of contagion and I told them I had RA. They still kept going on and on, so I clarified, Rheumatoid Arthritis is NOT contagious but they gathered up all my separated bones. I say my bones because they hadn't touched them to take them out, sort them or do anything... They packed them up and they packed their stuff and they left. Faster then I could turn the page in my book.   I didn't much feel like lifting the totes and taking it all out again, so I packed up my stuff and left too. I held back the tears as I got on the fucking elevator because I can't take the two flights of stairs. Really, in the big scheme of things...this is nothing...it's nothing....but it still hurts. I know even in my drugged up fibro fog state I still had more brain cells working then all three of those girls put together but still... I moved on to the next campus, next class... thinking about the state of things and just how fucked we all are if these are our "nurses of tomorrow"...

Needless to say I didn't do very well on any of my tests yesterday. One was a make up test from the previously missed class. It was me and another girl taking the test. The teacher offered to grade our scantrons on the spot. We were both apprehensive when he ran them through...lots of noise isn't good. lol

We got them back and they were all marked up. The girl asked if we needed to give them back so he could record the score but he said we both got the same score so it didn't matter. I have no idea why but I was so happy I had got any right and that we got the SAME score (how stupid could I be then???). I lifted my claw hand and said "HEY! High five!" and the girl did, gently!!! LOL!  I don't think our teacher was amused. LOL!

Ah, wrote all that this morning, probably had more to say but my hands are worse now. So glad I have an 8 am acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sweet immediate relief. I know as soon as those needles go in it will be all good.

I'm also going to get over myself. I am going to take up my acupuncturist's offer of coming in and getting needles and basically taking them with me.  I was worried about attention from having needles in me as I went through part of my day but at this moment, in this flare, I couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.

Tomorrow will be better. I just know.

Staring at a clean slate...

These last two weeks have been... hard.

I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...

hard.

CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota.  They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.

Imagine this fun convo...

Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...

I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her.  Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."

*sigh*

I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.

My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).

Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard.  Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?

I've had three patients in clinic so far.  I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.

A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.

This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

It seems like every time...

I come here it's to say I am still here, still blogging, still breathing.

Ok, sorry about that. Typed the one line and Purries decided it was her turn with mom for some kitty love. Poor girl. It's 3:30 am and she comes to bitch at her mama for not being around.

Anyhow, things are hectic for me. I'm in my third week at the community college and my second week in med school. I'm having some troubles with an instructor. Well, I'll just outright say it. He's an asshole. It's an online class so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but I've revised that. Definitely an asshole. I'm doing fine in the class but I could do without his smart ass remarks because I am trying to get some clarity from him on his ambiguous expectations and I guess I'm expecting too much because I expect him to like, answer questions and um, TEACH. I don't like his condescending attitude. He comes across like he's talking to a 2 year old. I have three degrees, one of which I completed online. This isn't my first go around the block, if you know what I mean?

I'm still working, still homeschooling, still...

My RA and fibro are in check (or they were as I type this but you know the internets and all that jazz.)

The kids are straggling a little in homeschool this week. Rather I should say the girls are straggling a little. Which I expected since they don't have anyone to crack the whip. lol! Actually, Hubbins is supposed to take over homeschooling for me. He's been working with them. Here I pause to chuckle because Hubbins has no clue. Hubbins if you are reading this, you truly don't.  The material yes, but how the curriculum works, uh uh. It's ok though. You'll get it. I was still trying to get it when my own school started and I can't really say I have a firm grasp on it now.

We are using Sonlight and it can be very... confusing. I know it will get easier as we become accustomed to the schedules but there's a lot to shuffle before you find the path. Lots of goodies to integrate. That could be said for any curriculum though.  The boy, however, is soaring in math. He's floating on cloud 9 around the house because I already had to place an order for his next set of math books that will be the identical workbooks Poufy is working in.  By the end of this week he will have completed the two workbooks required for 1st grade and will be sliding right in beside his sister. To say he is excited and pleased is an understatement. Poufy on the other hand not so much. It's the kick in the pants she needs to get going and it's the boost the boy needs to give him self-confidence because he still has none. Win-win.

Other than requesting a necessity allowance and allergy meds for CDQ, I've heard nothing. This month I switched the kids insurance to a different provider that will take effect November 1 and I'm terrified it is going to mess things up for CDQ. I don't know how switching works but this particular insurance is directly from the hospital and providers in the area.   The other one was from the competing hospital but they've gone downhill and they are paying out to the insurance I just switched to, which makes me think that is why they (insurance) are trying to cut CDQ's services short. It's not like the big names (BC/BS, etc...) that can go anywhere. However, this particular association has more services that benefit all my children, Poufy's endocrinologist and CDQ's facility being just two of the main reasons and the new hospital that is 20 minutes from my house. I'm hoping the switch will restart CDQ's eligibility but I'm scared to call the center and let them know too soon in case it doesn't work out that way.

My heart is heavy and still hurts when I think of CDQ. I drive by the center where she's at on my way to school and my school is actually the building right next to where our former therapists work.  It's a constant reminder of all that has happened and all that I am working toward. Not that any of it has faded away.

As usual, I have so much to say and so little time to say it. I have some posts in drafts that I am working on. I want to remember my first steps on my journey towards my medical career (I was shocked the first time one of my instructors said that...what medical career? lol). I had to order a laptop so that I could work when I'm away from home.  Maybe I can squeeze in some of this stuff.

I will leave you with this memory that I have been holding onto tightly. My kids are sitting around the kitchen table. We've just finished our spelling segment and we are moving into music. The kids had to learn the Ocean and Continents song and Stars and Stripes Forever. I told them if they passed they could play instruments as they sang along to it, one final time. I have the instruments laid out on the table, they all passed and are eyeing each wooden instrument weighing their decisions. I decided to play each song twice and let them switch through the instruments.  Each child has carefully chosen and every time the music starts up.....they suddenly start tapping the bongo, shaking the tambourine, etc... to no particular beat at all. None of them have rhythm and they were all doing their own thing. LOL! I tried to teach them to count and clap out beats. Holy-moly.  It was the funniest thing ever. I wish I would have recorded it but I literally didn't want to leave to get the camera. I didn't want to miss a second of it. It was loud but they loved it. Their laughter was the true music on that day. 

Ding Dong Mom

This post will be nothing like what you might be imagining. lol

When I was a kid, I used to want to take a lunch box to school instead of eating hot lunch. I actually went to an elementary school where the hot lunch was delicious almost always.  The kitchen was ran by Hispanic women who made things like they would at home, they also served things like they would at home. lol

Anyhow, the reason why I am bringing this up is because I start school tomorrow (one of them anyway) and I've been wondering what kind of Mom I am going to morph into next. By that, I mean, I have been working 45+ hour weeks since the kids were placed here but I've been working from home.  In their eyes I AM a stay home mom.

I worry since I will be taking a full load at two schools and still continue to work at home that my Mama Points TM  will go further down. I worry about maintaining my health and limiting my fatigue.  I already know that I am the tough one. I'm the one that rides them and pushes them to do their best and most of the time I'm the one whose all business, while Hubbins is the movies and games parent especially since I got sick. Most of my energy goes into making sure everything runs around here.

I try to do things in my own way. Things that aren't too mushy or obvious because let's face it, I still fear regression and meltdowns and even though that doesn't happen as often, my kids are still their own worst enemy when it comes to sabotaging themselves.

So back to the lunch from home. When I was younger, I used to see the majority of the kids who brought home lunch had this familiar foil wrapped hockey puck like object in their lunch boxes. It was a little chocolate cake with filling inside and it was called  a ding dong. I had actually never had one, but what touched me was the fact that I believed their mother's made and wrapped these little cakes for them. I wanted a mother who would do that for me. So I begged and begged for lunch from home. When I finally was sent to school with my lunch, I was disappointed to see that I did not have that little foil wrapped gift in my box. I figured it was because it was my grandmother and not my mother who took care of me. I knew the lunch was packed with my grandmother's love but it wasn't the same.

It stuck with me. It stuck with me until the day I bought my own box of ding dongs and opened them to find they were already wrapped in foil and no one's mom was doing them any favors. lol!

But that feeling I had, that those kids mother's cared so much for them. That's how I want my kids to feel. I don't want them to feel anything less because I'm not their "mom" and I'm their Aunt.  I want to find the foil wrapped little cake that makes them feel they are loved by a mother.  That they are no less then anyone else.

I've been trying to find that but I guess I will never know until later when they come back as adults and share their stories.  I don't want my life to interfere with theirs. I want it to be something they can be proud of and be part of.  I am going back to school for all of us.  To try to make a better life for us all. To keep my health so that I can accomplish it all. But I hope it's not at their expense and I will do everything that I can to keep things running as smoothly as I can.

A mother's self-imposed guilt is a strong thing, isn't it?