Staring at a clean slate...

These last two weeks have been... hard.

I've laughed, I've cried, I've flared, I've avoided a cold...

hard.

CDQ was supposed to be placed in a treatment foster home yesterday but the foster mother met her and decided to not even take her for a four hour pass. Smart woman. I had some concerns anyway. But now it looks like no one (meaning agency) has a placement for her. I don't know what that means since the insurance has determined as long as she doesn't want to kill herself or others she is good to go home and the TFC is supposed to be the transition that builds the gap and prepares her to return home. Except the center doesn't want her to come home. She hasn't changed an iota.  They are starting to see some new behaviors, which ones, I don't know.

Imagine this fun convo...

Agency man: So can you tell me a little about how CDQ divided the staff at treatment center?
Me: wide eyed silence...stuttering...um.... I'm ....not, sure...do you mean...x, y , or z?
Agency man: the Director at treatment center told me CDQ divided her staff.
Me: Well... they didn't tell me that...

I talked to the director and CDQ had half the staff feeling sorry for her and the other staff knowing better. The one's feeling sorry for her were yelling at the others to stop "picking" on her.  Triangulation 101 people...hello! Seems she turned on the staff that was supporting her and now they got a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Seems they are "understanding the family's position better."

*sigh*

I flared because of all this and because I wasn't going to acupuncture like I should have been. My PTSD reared it's ugly head and I almost made a scene in Anatomy class which I wouldn't even be able to explain other than sheer paranoia.

My other kids have had some bumps but are kicking homeschool @$$. Please don't think I haven't whined and yelled about this though. The same with cleaning their rooms so I can take pictures for the internetz and show them what good work they do. Believe me when I say this is not complaining... C'mon...we are n.o.r.m.a.l. now. How could I even think of complaining (for real).

Oh and school... school has been challenging and fun and hard.  Lots of 100/200 question quizzes and exams. In fact, this coming week I have a quiz or exam in every single class. I shouldn't even be taking this time, but I should...you know?

I've had three patients in clinic so far.  I love it. I was worried about the whole people part of becoming a doctor (LOL!) but I think I've handled it just fine. I had a challenging patient who had RA and Fibro amongst other things and I was so happy that I could make a connection with her. She really needed to know that she wasn't alone and I guess I needed to as well. I've never met anyone in person who has these same diseases since I've been diagnosed. I saw the tell tale fingers, her scarred body from joint replacements. I saw her fear and I reassured her she did not need to justify herself to me or anyone else for that matter. I knew what she was doing because I do it myself.

A couple of weeks ago in Bio lab I paired up with this girl. I was having trouble remembering my metric system math and she whizzed right through it. She offered to stay and help but there was no way I was going to take her Saturday afternoon from her so I told her she should just go and I'll figure it out. I told her she was really good at it. What she said left me standing there staring at her as she packed her stuff and left the room. My vision grew blurry... she said, "oh darlin', I'm no better than you." and she walked away.

This hit me so hard because I've always felt people are better than me and I'm stuck with losers (in my childhood). I've made sure to surround myself with people who I perceive are better than me. People to aspire to. I realized day in and day out I tell my kids the same exact thing, nobody is better than you... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent... But deep down, I feel just like they do. Now that I am aware of it I need to figure out how to change this and teach them how to change it for themselves. I thought I had already fixed this about me but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

It seems like every time...

I come here it's to say I am still here, still blogging, still breathing.

Ok, sorry about that. Typed the one line and Purries decided it was her turn with mom for some kitty love. Poor girl. It's 3:30 am and she comes to bitch at her mama for not being around.

Anyhow, things are hectic for me. I'm in my third week at the community college and my second week in med school. I'm having some troubles with an instructor. Well, I'll just outright say it. He's an asshole. It's an online class so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but I've revised that. Definitely an asshole. I'm doing fine in the class but I could do without his smart ass remarks because I am trying to get some clarity from him on his ambiguous expectations and I guess I'm expecting too much because I expect him to like, answer questions and um, TEACH. I don't like his condescending attitude. He comes across like he's talking to a 2 year old. I have three degrees, one of which I completed online. This isn't my first go around the block, if you know what I mean?

I'm still working, still homeschooling, still...

My RA and fibro are in check (or they were as I type this but you know the internets and all that jazz.)

The kids are straggling a little in homeschool this week. Rather I should say the girls are straggling a little. Which I expected since they don't have anyone to crack the whip. lol! Actually, Hubbins is supposed to take over homeschooling for me. He's been working with them. Here I pause to chuckle because Hubbins has no clue. Hubbins if you are reading this, you truly don't.  The material yes, but how the curriculum works, uh uh. It's ok though. You'll get it. I was still trying to get it when my own school started and I can't really say I have a firm grasp on it now.

We are using Sonlight and it can be very... confusing. I know it will get easier as we become accustomed to the schedules but there's a lot to shuffle before you find the path. Lots of goodies to integrate. That could be said for any curriculum though.  The boy, however, is soaring in math. He's floating on cloud 9 around the house because I already had to place an order for his next set of math books that will be the identical workbooks Poufy is working in.  By the end of this week he will have completed the two workbooks required for 1st grade and will be sliding right in beside his sister. To say he is excited and pleased is an understatement. Poufy on the other hand not so much. It's the kick in the pants she needs to get going and it's the boost the boy needs to give him self-confidence because he still has none. Win-win.

Other than requesting a necessity allowance and allergy meds for CDQ, I've heard nothing. This month I switched the kids insurance to a different provider that will take effect November 1 and I'm terrified it is going to mess things up for CDQ. I don't know how switching works but this particular insurance is directly from the hospital and providers in the area.   The other one was from the competing hospital but they've gone downhill and they are paying out to the insurance I just switched to, which makes me think that is why they (insurance) are trying to cut CDQ's services short. It's not like the big names (BC/BS, etc...) that can go anywhere. However, this particular association has more services that benefit all my children, Poufy's endocrinologist and CDQ's facility being just two of the main reasons and the new hospital that is 20 minutes from my house. I'm hoping the switch will restart CDQ's eligibility but I'm scared to call the center and let them know too soon in case it doesn't work out that way.

My heart is heavy and still hurts when I think of CDQ. I drive by the center where she's at on my way to school and my school is actually the building right next to where our former therapists work.  It's a constant reminder of all that has happened and all that I am working toward. Not that any of it has faded away.

As usual, I have so much to say and so little time to say it. I have some posts in drafts that I am working on. I want to remember my first steps on my journey towards my medical career (I was shocked the first time one of my instructors said that...what medical career? lol). I had to order a laptop so that I could work when I'm away from home.  Maybe I can squeeze in some of this stuff.

I will leave you with this memory that I have been holding onto tightly. My kids are sitting around the kitchen table. We've just finished our spelling segment and we are moving into music. The kids had to learn the Ocean and Continents song and Stars and Stripes Forever. I told them if they passed they could play instruments as they sang along to it, one final time. I have the instruments laid out on the table, they all passed and are eyeing each wooden instrument weighing their decisions. I decided to play each song twice and let them switch through the instruments.  Each child has carefully chosen and every time the music starts up.....they suddenly start tapping the bongo, shaking the tambourine, etc... to no particular beat at all. None of them have rhythm and they were all doing their own thing. LOL! I tried to teach them to count and clap out beats. Holy-moly.  It was the funniest thing ever. I wish I would have recorded it but I literally didn't want to leave to get the camera. I didn't want to miss a second of it. It was loud but they loved it. Their laughter was the true music on that day. 

Ding Dong Mom

This post will be nothing like what you might be imagining. lol

When I was a kid, I used to want to take a lunch box to school instead of eating hot lunch. I actually went to an elementary school where the hot lunch was delicious almost always.  The kitchen was ran by Hispanic women who made things like they would at home, they also served things like they would at home. lol

Anyhow, the reason why I am bringing this up is because I start school tomorrow (one of them anyway) and I've been wondering what kind of Mom I am going to morph into next. By that, I mean, I have been working 45+ hour weeks since the kids were placed here but I've been working from home.  In their eyes I AM a stay home mom.

I worry since I will be taking a full load at two schools and still continue to work at home that my Mama Points TM  will go further down. I worry about maintaining my health and limiting my fatigue.  I already know that I am the tough one. I'm the one that rides them and pushes them to do their best and most of the time I'm the one whose all business, while Hubbins is the movies and games parent especially since I got sick. Most of my energy goes into making sure everything runs around here.

I try to do things in my own way. Things that aren't too mushy or obvious because let's face it, I still fear regression and meltdowns and even though that doesn't happen as often, my kids are still their own worst enemy when it comes to sabotaging themselves.

So back to the lunch from home. When I was younger, I used to see the majority of the kids who brought home lunch had this familiar foil wrapped hockey puck like object in their lunch boxes. It was a little chocolate cake with filling inside and it was called  a ding dong. I had actually never had one, but what touched me was the fact that I believed their mother's made and wrapped these little cakes for them. I wanted a mother who would do that for me. So I begged and begged for lunch from home. When I finally was sent to school with my lunch, I was disappointed to see that I did not have that little foil wrapped gift in my box. I figured it was because it was my grandmother and not my mother who took care of me. I knew the lunch was packed with my grandmother's love but it wasn't the same.

It stuck with me. It stuck with me until the day I bought my own box of ding dongs and opened them to find they were already wrapped in foil and no one's mom was doing them any favors. lol!

But that feeling I had, that those kids mother's cared so much for them. That's how I want my kids to feel. I don't want them to feel anything less because I'm not their "mom" and I'm their Aunt.  I want to find the foil wrapped little cake that makes them feel they are loved by a mother.  That they are no less then anyone else.

I've been trying to find that but I guess I will never know until later when they come back as adults and share their stories.  I don't want my life to interfere with theirs. I want it to be something they can be proud of and be part of.  I am going back to school for all of us.  To try to make a better life for us all. To keep my health so that I can accomplish it all. But I hope it's not at their expense and I will do everything that I can to keep things running as smoothly as I can.

A mother's self-imposed guilt is a strong thing, isn't it? 

Forgive me...

I keep forgetting to take pics of the girl's room when they are awake!

Actually in all fairness, if they are awake, they are either doing chores or homeschool at this point in the game. Which means that I am there with them telling them/showing them how to do something or another.

I need to pull out my camera too. Have it handy so I'll remember. So many things I could be taking pictures of... like, out here in NM it is green chili season. When you walk outside or go anywhere the smell of green chili's roasting is in the air. It smells so good. We bought two 30 pound bags of medium hot this year (mild was already sold out) and my mom bought one bag of medium hot and one of hot. Peeling the chili is a lot of work but we separate it out into bags and freeze it, that way we have chili year round. It is so yummy. The chili this year is HOT HOT HOT!

I still have no word from the treatment center about CDQ, so I will just leave it at that.

I'm gearing up for some big changes next week. I'm starting to feel a little intimidated and that little voice inside of me keeps saying "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I just push it out of my mind. The old me wouldn't even think twice about what I am about to do- the voice would still be there... but the new me is worried about pain and flare ups and fibro fog and just plain fatigue.

You see, I applied to acupuncture school to become a Doctor of Oriental Medicine and I was accepted!

It's a three year accelerated program. I start the day after labor day and it will be intense.  Because it's an accelerated program my schedule will consist of around 24 credits/units a semester, plus clinic every week. to add to the matter, they've made an exception for me and are allowing me to take some classes at the community college concurrently. So I will be taking 11 units at the community college a few nights a week and on Saturdays- Anatomy and Physiology and lab, Biology for Health Science and lab, and Medical Terminology. After the three years are done, I will do another three years as a resident.

I will still continue to homeschool the kids and take care of Hubbins. I wish I could say my mother has been a big help, but I can't. I've really tried not to blog about all that but the reality is I didn't make things any better by moving her here to "help".

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I will be able to put my money where my mouth is. Only the oldest has seen me at work while I was earning my undergraduate degrees. My other kids only hear me tell them about what it will be like for them in college. Now I can SHOW them what it will be like and if I can do it with all these obstacles they most certainly can do it too.

I know when I was raising my step-sister's kids, we all sat around the kitchen table and did our homework together. I really thought they would make it to college. I thought I had instilled in them enough to make them want more, but I didn't have a long enough span of time with them to make it happen. They succumbed to toxic family cycles. :-(  They were much younger than my children. I really have to step it up so my kids will know that anything is possible.

I find they get discouraged because they are behind. They have a lot of holes that need filling and it is NOT their fault. But I don't feel like I am helping them if I were to let them skim over like they would in public/private school. The truth of the matter is my kids are super smart. They are still young enough to pick up on things rather quickly. My problem is they want to speed through it and end up making little mistakes that drive me crazy.   And that is what is slowing them down some, but we do have RAD surfacing, a lot of mute stares, head shaking because of course they know it ALL and just a lot of fear of vulnerability and looking stupid.  I don't know if I've just become accustomed to it, but I really think that stuff is starting to slip away. Don't get me wrong, I totally yank my hair out...but the tears (their's not me. lol) are getting less and I am able to slip in some encouragement (when they have turned to leave and are halfway out the door) and not have the raging backlashes.

Things can only get better, that's what I keep telling myself.

Road Trip

WHOA~! I can't believe I forgot to come back and finish this! I thought I had posted it. So here it goes.
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I did it. I got on a plane to Seattle and drove the shuttle bus back all by myself. I got in early on the third morning gone, second day driving.  I flew from here to Arizona and then from Arizona to Seattle, Washington then I drove through Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Colorado and back home. It was scary and awesome at the same time.

I had never been away from Hubbins that far or that long and the kiddos, they had respite in the past but I hadn't been that far either. So again, awesome and scary at the same time.

I stopped a lot along the way but I wish I would have taken more pictures. Washington and Oregon were beautiful. I liked Utah until I got to the 15. I hated it so bad I pulled over and found myself at an Ikea. Having never been to Ikea, I thought I'd pop in for a break and then take off after my nerves were settled.

Three hours later, I was cranky and I hurt and I hated Ikea. It was like a lying maze that I couldn't find my way out of even though I was taking the "short cut" to the exit. The pics of my swollen ankles were taken before Ikea, I actually had a flap of skin hanging over the side of my ankle and shoe after Ikea.

All things considered, it was a great trip. I wish I would have taken more pictures. I decided not to post pics of the shuttle because it's a pretty unique one. But just picture a hotel shuttle bus and you will know what a massive vehicle I was driving. I'm telling you. I went from driving a Mustang, to a mini-van to a 12 passenger van to a shuttle bus!

Life is crazy like that. lol 

So many changes...

NEWS, NeWs, news!

I have news for you all but I have been out of my mind busy.

I recently realized I never posted the post about my SOLO ROAD TRIP last month. I had problems uploading pictures and then totally forgot. Oopsies!

I have the girls bedroom update- PEOPLE- I put together THREE loft beds and 4 rolling chairs. May not seem like a big deal but remember my Rheumatoid Arthritis?  To hell with you RA! (*fist shaking in air* because yes, I can make a fist again! whoo hoo!)

Which I need to post about my pain-free fingers now....SQUEE!!!  All I have left are weak wrists and ankles...

Big news on what will consume me for the next several years!

AND homeschooling stuff to share...we are easing into it...but lots of cool stuff.

Lastly, taking control of my home again, it is so nice to look around and see my house turning back into a home and not some place that looks like things were dumped and ransacked through. Which reminds me, I was streaming Hoarders on Netflix last week (yes, while I was cleaning- such a motivator. lol!) and there was an episode with a single adoptive father who was raising a child with RAD.  I looked at his house and I just felt so sad for him and the sibling who were living amongst it. There truly wasn't any understanding from the people around him- family/friends, etc... I was shocked that they were shocked about the pee. LOL! At first I wasn't certain that he was a hoarder and that it had more to do with the child's condition...I'm still left a little uncertain but it was such a clear reminder of our past. It definitely hit home.

Many things are changing around here... It seems for the better. Am I sad that CDQ couldn't be a part of it? Yes. Do I understand that these changes are possible because she's not here. yes. Unlike their bio mother who had no problem forgetting the child that was murdered, I still say I have 5 children and I guess I always will.

I expect to hear something from the treatment center regarding CDQ's situation next week.

So, I will be popping in here and there and trying to get as much as I can in. Our lives will change in just two short weeks. It's exciting and it's scary and it's the change we so desperately need.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy Sunday!

The words that made me feel better...

The same day I met with the people at the treatment center, I was delivered a punch to the gut when I walked through the door and Hubbins told me that a law office had called for me asking for my step-father.

Huh?

I have had no contact with him whatsoever since the late 90's and how the hell would he get my phone number? It was court ordered that under no circumstances was my phone number to be released to anybody in that family.

Now sit down for this one...

I called the law office back and I asked them how my name was associated with his. They pulled up their records and this mf'er listed me as a relative. 


I was so shocked, I told the woman on the phone that I was not a relative but the step-daughter he molested. I heard a gasp. The woman told me she needed to speak to the attorney and would be right back. When she came back on the line she apologized over and over again and told me they had never encountered such a thing or even heard of such a thing.  I told her I was shocked that he would have the audacity to do that and I had no idea how he had my phone number. She advised me to change my number and told me I was handling the whole thing a lot better that she would.

I told her I was surprised but kind of not considering he's a drug addict and she said "You know, once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit."

People have offered up sympathy which always makes me feel bad. I don't know why, maybe it's the pity part... but her words, they actually touched me. I felt a warmth and just a feeling of validation. I felt this odd sense of peace and I exhaled. The anxiety I felt during the call melted away.

She helped me more than she will ever even know.