Still hanging in here

and adjusting...

My kids at home are doing awesome...CDQ- no change.

Just yesterday, I came to terms that I just can't do it all anymore when it comes to making the house run smoothly. I feel so guilty. I knew in the long run I wanted my kids to be self-sufficient and my youngest is going to be 10 this year so they aren't little but I wanted to be able to give them a real mom and a little more early childhood for a little longer. If that makes sense?

I hate standing around telling them what to do and how to do it because I feel lazy and guilty even though I know I can't do it all and it's nothing like their bio mom who didn't want to do it.  Yet, yesterday when I was teaching my kids how to do their laundry I realized that maybe I have babied them too much. Sure right now they are eager to learn but more importantly they are very capable of learning and doing these tasks. They have moved from that place where they were afraid to say or do anything. (Don't get me wrong, they still have some days like that but now they are showing signs of confidence.)

I'm afraid I'm the one who hasn't focused on their accomplishments.  I do reflect on the past and see how far and how hard they've worked to get where they are but there's still that part of me that wants to protect them as if they were still the children who needed to be taught how to sit at the table or how to do simple age appropriate every day things.

So I'm going to work on taking things for what they are and still marvel over the "little" things my kids accomplish but not limit them to what I believe their capabilities are. Instead of feeling guilt, I'm going to focus on how self-sufficient my kids will be, how smart they are and how much more they will know.
I will focus on the fact that in delegating I am actually able to spend more time with each child individually.
I will focus on the fact that my children have healed and love me enough to care and help make things easier for me. How many parents of non-RAD kids could even say that?

I am a very lucky (and grateful) person. :-)

I don't know about you

but there's hardly nothing more I love than going to the movies by myself and if the theater is empty even better!

Last Friday, I needed to get away from everything and everyone (including myself) so I decided flare and all I am going to the movies dammit!

I won't say it was pain free or didn't involve a lot of new thoughts about my illness but it was just what I needed. I saw Bridesmaids. Oh MY goodness...crude but oh so funny.  I love the Megan character. lol!

The moral of the story wasn't lost on me either. It was like a slap across the face. A much needed (cheesy) slap. I haven't exactly given in to all this pain. I still fight through it but my positive attitude has all but vanished and I've definitely been bitter and jaded over ALL of it.  I know there are MANY people who have it (life) way worse than I do. I won't ever lose sight of that and even though at times I may sound ungrateful I am beyond grateful for many of the things in my life.

So there was this song by this trio called Wilson Phillips. I listened to the words and they made sense. It might not be what the song is supposed to be about, but I could totally apply it to what I am going through now. Here is the song and lyrics



and just in cased you haven't seen it, here's a trailer for the Bridesmaid movie.

I can't help but smile

when I watch this dog dance.  She is so happy and loves it. It melts my stress away. lol




Isn't she amazing?

UPDATED TO ADD: Apparently I'm late with this, Carrie (the dog) is very popular and has her own website  and you can LIKE her on facebook. lol 

Unlearning to Not Speak

Unlearning to Not Speak

by Marge Piercy

Blizzards of paper
in slow motion
sift through her.
In nightmares she suddenly recalls
a class she signed up for
but forgot to attend.
Now it is too late.
Now it is time for finals:
losers will be shot.
Phrases of men who lectured her
drift and rustle in piles:
Why don't you speak up?
Why are you shouting?
You have the wrong answer,
wrong line, wrong face.
They tell her she is womb-man,
babymachine, mirror image, toy,
earth mother and penis-poor,
a dish of synthetic strawberry ice cream
She grunts to a halt.
She must learn again to speak
starting with I
starting with We
starting as the infant does
with her own true hunger
and pleasure
and rage.


==================


These words mean so much to me. I just wanted to share them. 

YAY!

Blogger is back up and running. Thank you blogger. I lost two posts in the process (my fault, not bloggers) so I'm just going to be short in this post because my fingers are STIFF.

I have RA and Fibromyalgia. Go me!

I still haven't bothered to google the fibro thing enough to understand it.

I'm tired. I think I'm going to go out tonight and catch a movie by myself. Even if I can't bend my fingers and I might fall asleep.

I feel a little suffocated in my own body right now.

When being positive isn't good

RA Factor: 200
ANA Positive
ANA >=1:640
ANA Pattern: Speckled

I have to go back and have my blood redrawn for my ESR but I'm sure those reading this who know what these numbers mean know that the ESR will be just as bad as these numbers.

:-( 

Tomorrow will come...

I decided to do it.

I'm tired of living in limbo or denial...

I am in pain, I do have inflammation and there are deformities in my hands.

I don't know what I am going to do with the answer.

I'm supposed to know by tomorrow.

Saturday I had my blood drawn.

Arthritis Panel, Thyroid Panel and CMP.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

Worried something flags abnormal...worried every thing is normal. Worried there will still be no definitive answer...worried there will be an answer I can't afford.

I just desperately want and need an answer.  I want to be me again.

Sometimes I think I should just be grateful that I am walking again and that I can get up and move, but other times I just can't keep a positive focus.

Days like today, when all I wanted in the world was to have a Happy Mother's Day with the children who love me and my family around me.

But I was dealing with Flo pain and my teeth are still shifting which has led to jaw pain and a clicking in my jaw sometimes. When I swallow it feels like I am swallowing a small rubber ball.  Plus, that damn flare up... All I could do was lie in bed until I took ibuprofen which made me sleepy.

I hate the days that I can't do routine. My fingers are swollen so I can't put on shoes, a bra, pants or shirts with buttons.  Today was a day I couldn't even lift my shirt over my head. I couldn't pull my pants down to go to the bathroom.  So then I have to be careful about what I eat or drink to limit the trips to the bathroom It's such a mind$#%^.

But I'm trying to keep the faith. Hoping for some kind of deficiency or something that has an easy enough fix. (Isn't that what we all hope for?)

So until tomorrow...