Let the big clean of 2010 commence!

Alright, I actually started the day I mentioned it in my previous post. But yesterday I had a huge flare up. I don't mean to sound like I am coming up with excuses, I'm just letting you know how stupid I am. ;-)

Why I didn't post it earlier? I left the camera usb plugged in to my computer yesterday not realizing until this morning when I sat down and the camera flashed to me battery low and died. My camera is the rechargeable battery kind, not the kind where you can just put in new ones. So off to the charger it went.

Oh, and looky here...I did it again. I just looked down and there's my camera plugged into the computer and turned on. Sheesh! and I complain about my kids. lol Ah crap...I just ejected it (I'm on a mac) but then I realized I hadn't transferred any pictures. Doh!

I'm alright, really...I am. Pictures are transferred now.

Before I show you my mess (can you say procrastinate much?). I wanted to show you some pics I took of a flare up. It's not the one I had yesterday because I couldn't even barely move. It hurt that bad.

Please excuse my ashy legs. They are also all scarred because I fell out of a moving car when I was younger. As you can see the leg on the left is swollen compared to the leg on the right. In that picture, both legs are actually swollen.

When they swell, they get a dent on the front. Like the one below.

As time goes by that dent gets bigger. It kind of feels like some one has all my veins and they are twisting them tighter and tighter and tighter. I should've put the remote up to the other pic but I think you can tell it's gotten bigger.

Then my wrists, they are another story, sometimes they swell like this one- evenly...

Or sometimes they swell and are bumpy like the one below.

Sucks. I took those pictures one right after the other. One hand was one way and the other was well the other way they were just at the same time.

Anyway, just wanted to share what it does to me.

On to the mess...

This was when you first walked in. It's almost all the Christmas stuff packed up.

This is the next wall. I don't know what this is, it was here when I came home.

This is the opposite corner. Look at my desk and that whole corner. ICK!
This is the rest of my desk and the other corner. This pile started Christmas Eve. Yep, I don't know what's in there either.

Here's some in the middle pics. That corner, after I removed all of the crap and rearranged a bookcase and the kids cottage. Keep in mind, I am not done yet. lol!

Here's my couch...can you spot what almost caused me not to post it. LOL! I tried to convince myself you couldn't and a fellow blogger also wrote about this very thing last week.

Here's that corner of crap that I had no idea what it was. I still don't...really. I do know that the box with the purple in it is a new giveaway box I've started and the baskets are clean clothes.

Oh and I cooked this yummy ham for dinner. Along with mashed potatoes and green beans.

I've done some more cleaning. I'll add those pics later. I'm hoping it will be the "Hey! Look it's done!" pics because I am seriously needing to move on to the kitchen, the pantry, the laundry room, my bedroom, etc...

Plus, I'm getting a little excited because I've had many projects in mind but with the dirty house I haven't been able to even start them.

This year I have plans for:

The Kitchen

The Living Room

The Laundry Room

The Master Bathroom

The Kids Bathroom

and a deck addition outside.

We will see what actually gets done. What about you, are you or have you recently done a Big Clean of your own? Do you have any big plans for your house this year? Tell me I'm not alone. :-)

PS. I forgot to mention ALL my laundry is done. Yup. All of it. Hate me. My ovens are self cleaning as I type these words too. I will do this. :-)

Cleaning and Clearance shopping!

Since our two week stay in ICU and the Holidays, my house has been a disaster area.

Really.

You would be disgusted if you could see it. I am. My kids on the other hand seem to feel right at home in all the mess and chaos.

It's so bad. I don't know where to start.

I am frustrated because right before Hubbins finally was too sick, I started this program with a woman called the Flylady. I had almost completed my control journal, my sink was shiny, my living room was spotless and the classroom was getting a rehaul.

I was feeling like I was accomplishing something.

Then it all fell apart. Sure my mom was here, but I didn't want her to touch anything. For example, my washer and dryer. Luckily, they were able to repair that without issue but had it been broken permanently I would have died a lot.

So my house was a disaster zone for the holidays. My plan was to have it all together by the end of the year. I came home to a ton of Fly Lady missions in my inbox and I know that I could've just jumped in anywhere and yet, I didn't. It's actually the whole premise of the Fly Lady. You can join in at any time and just get going. We just have to leave our perfectionistic tendencies behind.

But I've got that whole perfectionist, fear of failure and fear of success thing going on. So, I started making piles of crap. But the piles of crap made things worse. I am sitting amidst piles of crap right now. Which pile should I start with?

So naturally, I blog. lol!

I decided to show you the ugly for accountability sake. I'm figuring if I totally humiliate myself to you guys maybe I'll get over my hangups and be like Nike and JUST DO IT (already!).

But...before then...I'd like to share with you some awesome clearance finds. I was all about Christmas decorations this year. All. about. it. I didn't do so awesome with the decorating this year. Hubbins keeps insisting we did fine this year...but I know better.

I actually got these at 60% off weeks before Christmas. I love Mary Englebreit. I have some of her fabrics that I am going back and forth on what to make with and I also purchased some ornaments that I didn't take pictures of. Teapot sets and chairs, none over $1.99.

Santa!

Snowman!

They are a pretty good size and I LOVE THEM!

Sorry about my pictures, I was playing with the camera and they looked great on the screen but when I transferred them they looked like this.

I love these large wood snowmen, at $4.99 they were a steal. Especially since they have a secret!

They are multipurpose! When you flip them around they are now decorations for Fall and Halloween.

I know exactly where they are going next year too!

I already knew last year that I was going to need a new Christmas Tree topper. I have a Precious Moments Angel tree topper that's over ten years old. I love it. The head is made of wood and it's a struggle every year to try and center it on the big live tree so I was on the hunt for a new topper. I don't really like those stars with lights, etc...

When I saw this Angel, I loved her dress. It's made of a velvet and satin that's flowy (why, yes...that is a word.) and light. She's rather large, which I like because we have vaulted ceilings in the living room and our tree in there is the 7- 8ft ones. Best of all, she was $9.99. I've found another tree topper (we put up more than one tree) in mind but I'm still thinking about it. Sadly, it's a collector's item and not on clearance. :(

I love these Christmas Tree napkin rings. I was eyeing them before and even though they are a heavy metal, I didn't think they were worth the $7.99. I know I am cheap. But it paid off. Both of these boxes cost me $4.

I love nutcrackers too. A couple of years ago I bypassed the opportunity to buy two nutcrackers that were taller than me and I've regretted it ever since. Until this year, I had stayed away from nutcrackers because I was reminded of my missed opportunity. ( I know cue the violins.)

But these guys were a steal at a dollar and besides, someone is bound to be selling those nutcrackers (it was Costco I had seen them at) one of these years and then they won't have any friends. Riiiiight.

This one wasn't on sale but I love, love, love Richard Scarry books. I have some that are falling apart and this was a reprint of a 1950s book. I just had to snatch it up.

I love how the animals wear clothes! Love it. There's just so much to see in all his books too! I am happy that I can share them with my kids.

Lastly, I found this. Nope it's not for Christmas, nor was it on sale. It's a wreath for Valentine's day. For some reason, I am anxious to fill my house with pink and red hearts this Valentine's day. That is weird for me, since I've never really did much in the past for it.

Ok, so that's it for now. I bought a ton of other things but I've probably bored everyone enough already. I'm off to tackle my first wreck. Bummer!

My baby sister

She's 25, but she's still 6 to me. Always...

We used to share a room. I'm the oldest, she's the youngest. We are almost 9 years apart. If I were to say that I had no influence on her, I would be lying. But she struggles with what is right and wrong and she is VERY stubborn. She is the smartest of all my sisters. She could really be something if she didn't struggle with her self-esteem.

I think I'm the only who doesn't back down to her stubbornness though. She always has to be right and she will disagree with this until she turns red and has an asthma attack but oh well!

She's also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I won't pretend I know anything about bipolar, but I also will say that I don't believe she is bipolar. Not after two days ago when my mom called me because my sister was "freaking out".

Without getting into too much, my sister has gone through the unthinkable. Think of our children who have been victims and how we know that they seem to have that invisible sign that predators can see from anywhere. Know what I am saying? She's very naive but thinks she's tough and is always right. That's a hard combination and one that we all deal with on a daily basis with our kids. Right?

She's been through too much for someone her age and she really hasn't worked it out. But she's either in denial or really doesn't know that her journey hasn't even started.

My mom called because my sister was losing it. My mom wanted me to look up meds for bipolar... but when my sister took the phone...it was like talking to CDQ. I wished she was in front of me because I could tell she was panicked, scared to death and dysregulated like no tomorrow.

She's tried a ton of meds and none of them work. I will be the first to say that I don't know the first thing about bipolar disorder but I don't think she has it. I think she's like our kids. She's so scared and there's no safe place for her. I know this because before this last ICU trip with Hubbins, I was right next to her and the kids in the same boat.

I could feel what she was feeling. I could articulate it to her. As she started crying and agreeing with me, I felt so bad because she is just a scared child. I tried to explain hypervigilance to her. My mom will never really make her feel completely safe. She is so scared of losing my mom she's losing her mind. She can't sleep. She has to keep checking on my mother to see if she's ok. She has a fear that someone is going to hurt her. She feels it's all irrational and I can tell her until I am blue in the face that she has every right to feel the way she does and there is nothing irrational about it. But she won't listen. She keeps thinking there is something mentally wrong with her.

She is sooo scared she can't think straight, her mind can't stop racing. I tried to help her but she won't listen. I felt like I was talking to one of my kids in the beginning when I first realized just how far gone their fear was. I tried to explain that to her. But she's so worried about being crazy she's not hearing it.

I pushed her, I called her out on the mat and I pushed her to the brink. I was scared it might be the wrong thing to do but she needed that release. She yelled and screamed at me and cried that I didn't know what I was talking about and still I pushed until she let it all out. I could hear her winding down.

She was sniffling and she told me somehow she felt so much better now. I worry about her the most. When my mom calls, in the back of my mind, I always have this fear that it's going to be to tell me that my baby sister is gone.

I worry that she's putting too much trust in the professionals that are supposed to be helping her. She alluded that they have diagnosed her bipolar but she also said that her psychotherapist keeps going back and forth about it. I wish I knew more.

It's like this...if she's bipolar for the reasons they are telling her, then I am bipolar and my children are bipolar as well. I think not.

They were also telling her that she is ADHD and that my mother is too and should get meds for it. In my world, it's called multi-tasking. In their world ADHD. What troubles me the most is that they seem to think meds are the answer for all of it. If she just finds the magic pill. Talking to my mother and my sister about her care is frustrating. It makes me feel like my sister would have a better shot attending a pharm party then going to a professional. She listed at least 4 drugs that were recent. One for bipolar, one for anxiety and one for ADHD. They have been giving them to her at the same time and pulling her off them at the same time. How can they possibly know what's working and what isn't?

For all intents and purposes, she is an adult. But she has no clue and she trusts authority. It's such a scary, scary thing.

To resolve or not to resolve...

AKA- A note to my 34 year old self from my 33 year old self...

I haven't made any resolutions in at least a decade, longer I am sure.

This year I am contemplating writing up some resolutions, just so I have them written down to remind me. I LOVE lists. I'm an excellent list writer, it's finding the time to do the stuff on the lists that's killer. :-p

I'm not even sure if these are really resolutions as much as they are reminders. My birthday is looming ahead of me this month and when I think of it, I envision a dark black cloud, heck go ahead and throw in a lightening bolt in that vision. The last official birthday I celebrated was my Sweet 16. I already knew it was the beginning of the end. lol Before that, I hadn't had a party since I was 10.

I've been trying to change my attitude about birthdays. I've even been thinking of celebrating this one. After all, if I have such a bleak outlook, I'm sure my kids have noticed it and they already have their own birthday issues.

We have birthdays this month, next month and the month after. I won't kid myself, it will be a rocky road...but maybe I can help to model something different.

At any rate, Birthdays...that's the first thing I'd like to change up this year.

Second, letting go. I need to start letting go. I've been so afraid of losing myself. That it didn't occur to me that the person I've been trying so desperately to hold on to, isn't so much lost as "she's" not the same person anymore.

I've seen so many women in my family lose themselves. I wanted to make damn well sure that it didn't happen to me. But, oopsies... after all that fighting, I realized. I'm not lost...it's just not me anymore. I'm not that single person who was on top of everything and had a spotless house because "dammitthereisaplaceforeverythingandeverythinginitsplace!andifyourearrangemymagazinesonemore timeI'mgoingtobreakyourhands!!!!"

I'm married to a person who requires a lot of care and I have 5 children who require a lot of care and I'm not going to remember everything anymore. I'm also not going to get things done like I used to either.

AND it's ok,all is not lost, the world has not ended. (<---alright, so I'm still working on this part, which is why I think I need this list to remind me.)

With the above in mind, nothing will ever be perfect- nor does it have to be. In the past, if you thought you did something perfect, it wasn't. YOU just thought it was. Really.

Third, I can't remember this one to save my life... so I will say...third, put something shiny on this post, print it out or something... because HELLO! Not only have you already forgotten part 2 above...(i.e. see previous post which is a sort of reminder of something you had apparently already forgotten!) but you reminded yourself and it STILL didn't ring a bell.

I think I will keep this little post as a "living" post if you will. One that I will need to refer to and update or something. I have a lot of things to say to myself...but I honestly, just can't remember. So I will tag this one living post. hehehe

Boy am I messed up. It's amazing that I have made it this far. :-)

ACK...third was about friendships/relationships! I sort of remember now! Will have to think it through some more before I add it. Make sure I remember it right!

Well, that didn't work out so well...

I still have my post in drafts. The one I referred to in the previous post. Honestly, I have been trying to remember what that third thing was and I just can't. The irony of it all is that it is something I felt was so important, I needed to write it down so I would remember.

I should make the third thing this very problem right here. Stop holding on to things instead of completing them because they won't be perfect or like you envisioned.

I have a buttload, yes a buttload, of unfinished posts that I won't post because they are unfinished and I can't remember...Then when I do remember, or I should say if I do remember, I figure it's too late to post. (i.e. holiday pictures of Thanksgiving, projects, etc...)

I can't stand that I have this idea of what my blog should be and I can't even make it that, so my blog just sits. I don't know why I feel it should be a certain way. I guess that goes back to my unfinished post that I should just post already anyway.

Speaking of butts...aren't I a pain in the butt? LOL! Believe me, I drive MYSELF crazy sometimes. Ok, well, a lot of the time.

Don't you just hate it?

Don't you hate it when you are in the middle of a post you saved...could've been numbered or bulleted or something and you come back to keep going...'cept, you can't remember what thirdly was going to be...

No.clue.

I can't even remember typing "third".

Does it make it even worse that it's a post about getting older and what you should be remembering?

Guess I'll just hit the save button on that one for the bajillionth time.

The First...

Yesterday was the first day in the longest time where I got to just be.

I will be the first to admit that *I* have been living in a hypervigilant state for quite a long time. I'm always afraid that something is going to happen to Hubbins, so instead of living, I've been waiting for that other foot to fall. Trying to figure out what I would do with the kids if Hubbins ended up in the hospital. How I would deal with his family if something were to happen to him. It's such a stressful thing.

But after this last time, I've learned to let go. I'm learning that what ever happens, will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm also learning that it's not my responsibility to worry about Hubbins family. He has his own issues with them that have nothing to do with me and if they would realize that, I don't even think Hubbins would have an issue with them. But I'm not really sure because I don't exactly know what the situation is. I just used to stress over having to talk to them because, at this point, it seems to me if I were to be talking to them it would be to tell them Hubbins has passed. That's what stressed me out in a way Hubbins just can't understand.

Last week, I had a glimpse of being care free for about two hours. I sat on my bed reflecting just how peaceful it felt when my phone rang. It was crazy to me just how quickly it all changed. I mean, my sister being in the ER wasn't as scary to me at first, but when I heard her tell me that I was to take her boys if something happened to her, it was chilling. I felt myself boomerang back into that state of shock and hypervigilance and I hated it and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

I was scared for my sister and I won't lie, I was scared I would be adding two more children to the mix. I've had that little fear in the back of my mind for awhile now. My sister is 28 but she doesn't take care of herself. I knew already that she could have a heart attack at any time because she is overweight and she has high blood pressure. I knew she was having complications that the doctors can't pinpoint since the car accident she was in. This is still fact as I type this. They still don't know what is wrong with her but they have thrown antibiotics her way and it seems to be keeping whatever it was at bay for now.

I'm trying not to go back to that hypervigilant state. I'm trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about any of it and it's out of my hands. I've noticed that since I have realized my anxiety, I am actually better able to detect it in my kids. I can tell by their faces where they are at in their level of panic. I've been able to squash a lot of it with reassurance and support. Believe me, it sounds prettier than it looks. lol!

So, yesterday, Hubbins was finally able to get up in his chair for a few and none of my kids were in trouble or on restriction (shhh, I KNOW!) We had a blast on the Wii for hours. Literally, Hubbins was the first to notice it was after Midnight and pulled the plug. I felt at ease. Not 100% because those stupid little thoughts kept creeping in about how it's not always gonna be like this and wondering if this is something we will all be together to do next New Year's. But I was able to enjoy most of the time we spent together. I kept reflecting on everything I had to be so grateful for.

Because I wasn't stuck in "fear mode". I was able to see my family as "who" they are, not what their problems were. It was nice for that change. Don't think everything was unicorns and rainbows. My kids can't stand to be in the same room as each other and they are smart asses who think they know it all and everyone else is dumb. But we are family and in the end that's all that really matters.