To resolve or not to resolve...

AKA- A note to my 34 year old self from my 33 year old self...

I haven't made any resolutions in at least a decade, longer I am sure.

This year I am contemplating writing up some resolutions, just so I have them written down to remind me. I LOVE lists. I'm an excellent list writer, it's finding the time to do the stuff on the lists that's killer. :-p

I'm not even sure if these are really resolutions as much as they are reminders. My birthday is looming ahead of me this month and when I think of it, I envision a dark black cloud, heck go ahead and throw in a lightening bolt in that vision. The last official birthday I celebrated was my Sweet 16. I already knew it was the beginning of the end. lol Before that, I hadn't had a party since I was 10.

I've been trying to change my attitude about birthdays. I've even been thinking of celebrating this one. After all, if I have such a bleak outlook, I'm sure my kids have noticed it and they already have their own birthday issues.

We have birthdays this month, next month and the month after. I won't kid myself, it will be a rocky road...but maybe I can help to model something different.

At any rate, Birthdays...that's the first thing I'd like to change up this year.

Second, letting go. I need to start letting go. I've been so afraid of losing myself. That it didn't occur to me that the person I've been trying so desperately to hold on to, isn't so much lost as "she's" not the same person anymore.

I've seen so many women in my family lose themselves. I wanted to make damn well sure that it didn't happen to me. But, oopsies... after all that fighting, I realized. I'm not lost...it's just not me anymore. I'm not that single person who was on top of everything and had a spotless house because "dammitthereisaplaceforeverythingandeverythinginitsplace!andifyourearrangemymagazinesonemore timeI'mgoingtobreakyourhands!!!!"

I'm married to a person who requires a lot of care and I have 5 children who require a lot of care and I'm not going to remember everything anymore. I'm also not going to get things done like I used to either.

AND it's ok,all is not lost, the world has not ended. (<---alright, so I'm still working on this part, which is why I think I need this list to remind me.)

With the above in mind, nothing will ever be perfect- nor does it have to be. In the past, if you thought you did something perfect, it wasn't. YOU just thought it was. Really.

Third, I can't remember this one to save my life... so I will say...third, put something shiny on this post, print it out or something... because HELLO! Not only have you already forgotten part 2 above...(i.e. see previous post which is a sort of reminder of something you had apparently already forgotten!) but you reminded yourself and it STILL didn't ring a bell.

I think I will keep this little post as a "living" post if you will. One that I will need to refer to and update or something. I have a lot of things to say to myself...but I honestly, just can't remember. So I will tag this one living post. hehehe

Boy am I messed up. It's amazing that I have made it this far. :-)

ACK...third was about friendships/relationships! I sort of remember now! Will have to think it through some more before I add it. Make sure I remember it right!

Well, that didn't work out so well...

I still have my post in drafts. The one I referred to in the previous post. Honestly, I have been trying to remember what that third thing was and I just can't. The irony of it all is that it is something I felt was so important, I needed to write it down so I would remember.

I should make the third thing this very problem right here. Stop holding on to things instead of completing them because they won't be perfect or like you envisioned.

I have a buttload, yes a buttload, of unfinished posts that I won't post because they are unfinished and I can't remember...Then when I do remember, or I should say if I do remember, I figure it's too late to post. (i.e. holiday pictures of Thanksgiving, projects, etc...)

I can't stand that I have this idea of what my blog should be and I can't even make it that, so my blog just sits. I don't know why I feel it should be a certain way. I guess that goes back to my unfinished post that I should just post already anyway.

Speaking of butts...aren't I a pain in the butt? LOL! Believe me, I drive MYSELF crazy sometimes. Ok, well, a lot of the time.