We used to share a room. I'm the oldest, she's the youngest. We are almost 9 years apart. If I were to say that I had no influence on her, I would be lying. But she struggles with what is right and wrong and she is VERY stubborn. She is the smartest of all my sisters. She could really be something if she didn't struggle with her self-esteem.
I think I'm the only who doesn't back down to her stubbornness though. She always has to be right and she will disagree with this until she turns red and has an asthma attack but oh well!
She's also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I won't pretend I know anything about bipolar, but I also will say that I don't believe she is bipolar. Not after two days ago when my mom called me because my sister was "freaking out".
Without getting into too much, my sister has gone through the unthinkable. Think of our children who have been victims and how we know that they seem to have that invisible sign that predators can see from anywhere. Know what I am saying? She's very naive but thinks she's tough and is always right. That's a hard combination and one that we all deal with on a daily basis with our kids. Right?
She's been through too much for someone her age and she really hasn't worked it out. But she's either in denial or really doesn't know that her journey hasn't even started.
My mom called because my sister was losing it. My mom wanted me to look up meds for bipolar... but when my sister took the phone...it was like talking to CDQ. I wished she was in front of me because I could tell she was panicked, scared to death and dysregulated like no tomorrow.
She's tried a ton of meds and none of them work. I will be the first to say that I don't know the first thing about bipolar disorder but I don't think she has it. I think she's like our kids. She's so scared and there's no safe place for her. I know this because before this last ICU trip with Hubbins, I was right next to her and the kids in the same boat.
I could feel what she was feeling. I could articulate it to her. As she started crying and agreeing with me, I felt so bad because she is just a scared child. I tried to explain hypervigilance to her. My mom will never really make her feel completely safe. She is so scared of losing my mom she's losing her mind. She can't sleep. She has to keep checking on my mother to see if she's ok. She has a fear that someone is going to hurt her. She feels it's all irrational and I can tell her until I am blue in the face that she has every right to feel the way she does and there is nothing irrational about it. But she won't listen. She keeps thinking there is something mentally wrong with her.
She is sooo scared she can't think straight, her mind can't stop racing. I tried to help her but she won't listen. I felt like I was talking to one of my kids in the beginning when I first realized just how far gone their fear was. I tried to explain that to her. But she's so worried about being crazy she's not hearing it.
I pushed her, I called her out on the mat and I pushed her to the brink. I was scared it might be the wrong thing to do but she needed that release. She yelled and screamed at me and cried that I didn't know what I was talking about and still I pushed until she let it all out. I could hear her winding down.
She was sniffling and she told me somehow she felt so much better now. I worry about her the most. When my mom calls, in the back of my mind, I always have this fear that it's going to be to tell me that my baby sister is gone.
I worry that she's putting too much trust in the professionals that are supposed to be helping her. She alluded that they have diagnosed her bipolar but she also said that her psychotherapist keeps going back and forth about it. I wish I knew more.
It's like this...if she's bipolar for the reasons they are telling her, then I am bipolar and my children are bipolar as well. I think not.
They were also telling her that she is ADHD and that my mother is too and should get meds for it. In my world, it's called multi-tasking. In their world ADHD. What troubles me the most is that they seem to think meds are the answer for all of it. If she just finds the magic pill. Talking to my mother and my sister about her care is frustrating. It makes me feel like my sister would have a better shot attending a pharm party then going to a professional. She listed at least 4 drugs that were recent. One for bipolar, one for anxiety and one for ADHD. They have been giving them to her at the same time and pulling her off them at the same time. How can they possibly know what's working and what isn't?
For all intents and purposes, she is an adult. But she has no clue and she trusts authority. It's such a scary, scary thing.
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